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TMZ says that Demi Moore did have a seizure on Monday night, but it wasn't from downing a cocktail of coke, benzos and most of her liquor cabinet like most of us figured. They say that Demi and an Arizona junior high schooler who just got into Blur have a lot in common, because she was inhaling nitrous from a can when she slipped into a semi-coma. Yes, bitch was doing whip-its. I wish I meant that she was sucking fumes out of a Whippet's ass, but no. If Demi ever ran out of nitrous, she'd be walking on sunshine over to OfficeMax to get some computer duster like Allison's ass.

The source says that Demi was clouding her pain by inhaling whip-its and she ended up having a sort of seizure on the floor before she fell into a half coma. Even Lindsay Lohan is looking at Demi and thinking, "Broke trash!" You know, everybody's always screaming about how Demi is trying to hold on to youth by marrying a toddler, partying with her daughters and taking MySpace-like bikini pictures in her bathroom, but I shrugged all that off until now. Partying with your daughters is one thing, but drugging like a 14-year-old suburban kid is another. Grow up, Demi, and do coke off toilet seats like the rest of us adults do!

Hopefully, Demi gets the help that she needs, because going to the hospital for a whip-it overdose is not the way a 49-year-old should go through life. I can just picture Demi with Vicks under her nose and Limp Bizkit blasting out of her speakers. How dreadful. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to get the sound of Devo out my head by sucking on a whip-it for old time's sake.

RiRi's new "thug life" tattoo looks like a mixture of dry skin, torn off scabs and keloids. Tupac's about to drop a bottle of moisturizer and a DIY tattoo removal kit from heaven - ICYDK

Sam Taylor-Wood and Aaron Johnson named their kid after a Mira Sorvino character and an Enrique Iglesias song - Lainey Gossip

Brandi Glanville: The Butler did it! - The Superficial

Gabriel Aubry is really trying to use the "she tripped' excuse - Celebitchy

Not even pink frosting can de-annoy Lea Michele - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

It's nice to know that Katharine McPhee only participates in protected armpit licking - Hollywood Tuna

Mario Lopez would look a lot hotter if those boxer briefs were stuffed into his talk hole - Towleroad

The Carlton Dance, 35 different ways - The Berry

Katherine Heigl needs to give Mrs. Cunningham her hairstyle back - Popoholic

For once, the Health Department gives Brit Brit's weave a solid C - Popsugar

PRUUUUUUUNE - Just Jared

When Chelsea Handler isn't talking about Joan Rivers being a bitch, she's talking about 50 Cent being a boring lay - Crunk + Disorderly

I bet eating tartar sauce all day makes this crazy's coochie smell like the sink at a Long John Silver's - OMG Blog

Two TV remakes of Beauty and the Beast that nobody was asking for - The Daily What Gossip

Still better than Justin Bieber - Videogum

Drew Barrymore's roots have roots - Hollywood Rag

I'm falling in love with Katherine Heigl's publicist all over again - I'm Not Obsessed

20 heave-inducers - Cityrag

The Howard Stern show hosted the latest bitch battle royale between Chelsea Handler and Joan Rivers when he had both of them on his show (on different days) this week. Chelsea slapped a trick first on Monday when she said that Joan Rivers was a bitch to her at some event. Howard brought up Chelsea's slight stab when Joan was on his show yesterday morning, and several pounds of Botox melted off of her face as she flamed out her response:

“Number one, the girl made it on her back fucking the president, we all know that, of the network. Number two, she’s fine, she’s ordinary. She’s not a genius. She’s an ordinary girl that was fucking somebody high up in the industry and they gave her a break and she’s doing okay

Whatever she is, she’s a drunk. I don’t wish her good luck, I don’t wish her bad luck. I don’t think she’s particularly funny. But don’t you come after me, you whore!”

I'm conflicted. Chelsea Handler is made of 95% vodka and 5% dehydrated foreskins and I like vodka and I like foreskins. If I was ever stranded on an island, I'd want Chelsea with me, because you know that whore can piss out a martini before you can finish yelling SQUAT! But then there's Joan. After watching her documentary, I have respect for Joan (and I don't even have respect for myself) and she can make me laugh just by calling a drunk whore a drunk whore. So I cannot choose a side at this time. Actually, I'm on Team GTFOMelissa. Melissa is not a drunk, she's not a whore (dating the president of a porn company doesn't count), she doesn't make me laugh when she calls a drunk whore a drunk whore and she didn't even fuck her way to the top. Melissa slid out of the right vagina to the top middle.

via Jezebel

If you're 29 years old or younger, then I'm not sure how you'll feel knowing that through your entire life Tim Gunn never made it work all over a pair of greasy man nalgas. Not once. Tim Gunn closed up his downtown fuck shop (both locations) 29 years ago, swallowed the key and isn't planning a grand reopening anytime soon. Tim said on his show The Revolution (via UsWeekly) yesterday that he went celibate after a boyfriend screwed him up emotionally by putting him down while impatiently waiting for his dick to rise (at least I think that's what Tim is trying to say).

"I haven't had sex in 29 years. Do I feel like less of a person for it? No. Not even remotely.

It's very personal. I was in a very intense relationship for a long time. And my partner ended it, saying that, quite frankly, he was impatient with my sexual performance.

I'm a perfectly fulfilled person, but it's very physiological. I have feelings. It's not as though I'm some barren forest. I don't want to imply to anyone that I have a mandate that says no sex. I don't. I don't know what's around the corner."

I know this might be hard for some of you 24-hour slut whore tramp skanks to understand, but sex it not the be-all and end-all for some people. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "end-all." I did too. But for some, happiness is not a hard dick or a warm cooch. Mind boggling, I know. And yes, I know what your slut mind just imagined when you read "mind boggling." I did too. We really have to stop watching clips on Brazzers at the same time.

Tim seems happy, even though he hasn't had any of his parts around a peen for THREE DECADES, and that's the only thing that matters. But I bet Tim finds ways to get his. I bet that every now and again he slips on a harness made of Brooks Brothers suspenders and makes a trick (wearing a mask of his ex-partner's face) lick the bottom of his oxford loafer like his bitch.

FROM DOLLS TO DINOSAURS????? Shit just got tyrannoserious. Because we all know that playing with dinosaurs is a gateway to watching old Barney episodes on a loop and what parent wants to suffer through that shit all day?

via ONTD

It's been said (it's never been said) that celebrity relationships die in threes, which means there's a vacant grave in the middle of Vanessa & Johnny (maybe) and Heidi & Seal's graves. And Star Magazine (via HL) says that a tombstone for Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale's marriage is being made right now. Star's source says that their marriage is in death row right now and headed for the gas chamber, because Gwen is having a hard time dealing with all the secrets that are coming out about Gavin's past. Makes sense. There's only so many times that a bitch can make this face:

over her husband's latest SHOCKING revelation before she just can't take it anymore.

Star says that the first SHOCKING revelation came two years into their marriage when Gavin found out that he had a secret love child named Daisy Lowe. The second SHOCKING revelation came when Marilyn said that he had bumped b-holes with Gavin back in the old days. The third SHOCKING revelation came when Courtney Love told Howard Stern that she screwed on Gavin for 8 months while he was still dating Gwen. The source says that Gwen doesn't know how she can trust Gavin anymore and the two are in therapy:

“Gwen often wonders what other secrets Gavin is hiding. It’s getting harder and harder for her to go through the motions with a man she sometimes feels like she doesn’t even know."

When you've been married to the father of your two children for almost 10 years, you should look past his past and present and do whatever it takes to make it work. You owe it to yourself and your children to keep your marriage alive. But when you find out that Courtney Love once shoved an Adderall up your husband's anus and fished it out with her tongue (that's Court's favorite game), that's a deal breaker. That's more than a deal breaker. That's some "call the priest and annul this mess" kind of shit.

TMZ took a break from posting the 32-page divorce documents filed by an extra who was on an episode of Entourage once (I'll post those next) and gave us what our eyes really crave: pictures of delicious dick cake! Unfortunately, this delicious dick has Miley Cyrus' face attached to it. But a BOO for us is always a YAY for Billy Ray (that rhymed and I'm not proud of it).

TMZ posted priceless picture after priceless picture of Miley Cyrus licking the taint under a herpes-ridden chocolate dick cake at the birthday party of her boyfriend Liam Hemsworth in L.A. on Saturday night. Either nothing makes Liam's mouth slobber like a giant black dick topped with an open herp sore or Liam got the cake to keep Miley occupied all night.

Yes, this makes me like Miley just a little, tiny bit, but I still can't believe how stupid everybody at this party was for bringing a big black dick cake out. You do not bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A. That's like feeding a mogwai after midnight. That's like giving my cousin alcohol at a party when you know very well she's going to ruin all the fun by drunk crying in the corner about how her life has become a tragic puddle of Emo-ness.

Do you know what happens when you bring a black peen cake to a party in L.A.? As soon as you're done nibbling the pube beads (or whatever that is) off of it, you will hear the soul-killing sound of the Four Whoresmen galloping toward the door. Khloe Kardashian will bust in with an E! camera crew and NOM NOM NOM every crumb of red velvet out of those chocolate nuts. Kim Kardashian will bust in and destroy that chocolate peen by hugging it with her fat ass flaps of doom. Kourtney Kardashian will bust in and kill the entire mood of the party by whining about how her sisters didn't leave anything for her. Finally, Pimp Mama Kris will bust in and force everybody at the party to sign contracts releasing their rights to any future profits of the cake smashing video they just shot. The only thing left would be a drool pool left by Khloe and a whole lot of empty stomachs hungry for delicious black peen cake.

Before we get into this, can I just say that relatives don't let relatives do the ayúdame lunge at a fucking Disney star. That little boy needs to adjust his side-eye a little to the right to focus on that woman with the Coach purse who is trying to reach out to Demi Lovato like she's a demigod who can heal all ailments or some shit. Okay, now that we've gotten that PSA out of the way...

Blind Gossip, the site that wrote the blind item about how some girl star is back to her snorting ways, has confirmed that their own blind item is about Demi Lovato. They heard from a friend of Demi's that she is going for another round of rehab and has checked into Passages in Malibu to get help for her addictions to booze and coke. Blind Gossip says that Demi's friends passed their blind item to her management team and it was the push in the asshole everyone needed to get her into treatment again. The moral of the story is: BLIND ITEMS SAVE LIVES! Blind items are the Candy Finnigan of the gossip world. But wait...

Demi's rep, one of the people who supposedly helped to get her into rehab, tells Gossip Cop that Blind Gossip's story is "a crock of shit."

Now, there's evidence FOR and AGAINST the rumor that Demi is clearing her blood veins of the bad shit next to the other Demi in rehab.

FOR: Demi recently put her Twitter page on pause and a thirsty ho like her would only do that if she was forced to hand over her communication device while checking into rehab.

AGAINST: Demi recently jumped off of Wilmer Valderrama's dick for a final time, which means that the inside of her head has finally reached a moment of clarity and she finally realized that Fez is a hit it, quit it, cleanse your coochie of it kind of douche.

But the evidence that is truly making me believe that this "DemiLo in rehab" rumor is false is the professional statement from DemiLo's rep. Only a professional, honorable and ethical individual would use the words "crock of shit" when discussing their client's personal life to the media. Or maybe Gossip Cop just happened to call Demi's rep as he discovered that his dog did god's work by taking a shit on his favorite pair of CROCs. That's probably what happened.

Demi Moore is getting it together in rehab right now after she allegedly downed so much of her drug of choice that it messed her up in a Call 911 kind of way. TMZ said last night that Demi was taken to the hospital because of a "substance abuse" issue, but Radar is saying this morning that it was more like a "not eating " issue. They heard from a source that Demi had an epileptic seizure in her house on Monday night and that's why the paramedics (or as my little cousin calls them, "the police doctors") were called. Radar also confirms that Judd Nelson and Ally Sheedy were the ones who called 911 right after Andrew McCarthy climbed up Demi's fire escape and torched through the bars on her window. Radar's source put Demi's meltdown like this:

"She collapsed after having an epileptic seizure. Demi is in getting treated for anorexia, as well as other issues that caused her seizure. She has not taken care of her health at all lately and has lost a ton of weight."

Meanwhile, People has a story this morning about how Demi partied hard with her daughter Rumer at a club in L.A. a couple of weeks ago. Demi went crazy, did shots off of Tater Head's chin, rubbed her 49-year-old body all over some 20-something who used to be on 90210 and shut the place down. So it sounds like only eating vodka and benzo soup with a cocaine crisp every day put her in the hospital. But I'm going to choose to believe the bullshit excuse her publicist gave that Demi is simply suffering from THE TIREDS.

Exhaustion is a real thing that affects four out of five celebrities at least once in their careers and we should really take it seriously. Jerry Lewis needs to put together a telethon and the celebrities who have overcome the sleepies need to speak out. #itgetsawakier

This might come as a shock to you, but the finest rose in England wasn't totally sculpted by the hand of Mother Nature out of organic materials. The scalpel of a surgeon and a Hoover Dam's worth of silicone was used to elevate Jodie Marsh's beauty to goddess-like levels. But if Jodie could do it all over again, she'd keep her natural beauty intact and would never allow her chichis to be touched by a back alley plastic surgeon who obviously got off from overflowing water balloons as a child.

Jodie told the prestigious British medical journal Heat Magazine (via The Sun) that a week after she got two bowling ball bags full of cooking gel fuel stuffed into her chest, her world became a horror show as her new implants tried to free themselves of her body. Jodie is sharing her story four years later, because she needs a check she wants all women out there to know that if you fill your body with implants that are bigger than your head, you could end up with a scar that looks like the face of Mickey Rourke.

"When I woke up, they were so swollen. The first dressing was taken off after a week or so - that's when I saw that I wasn't healing. As the stitches started popping out of my skin, there was no skin to hold the incision together. My boobs looked like they were exploding. It was so painful. There was green pus coming out of my boobs and they constantly bled.

I had to change the dressings every day and was in such discomfort I couldn't work - I basically sat at home depressed for a year. I wish I'd never had them done. People should realise that every boob job has the potential to become a horror story."

Jodie doesn't think her gigantic plastic boob domes look good with her new He-Man muscle body, but she's not going to go under the knife again out of fear that she'll have to suffer through a sequel to Nightmare on My Titties.

You can't spell Jodie Marsh without p-e-r-f-e-c-t. No, really, try it. Type out p-e-r-f-e-c-t without the spaces and your system (or whatever) will autocorrect it to "Jodie Marsh." So Jodie doesn't need to change anything about herself, she's Jodie Marsh (DAMN autocorrect) just the way she is. Besides, nobody really notices Jodie's huge tits, because we're all transfixed by the Museum of Modern Clip Art running down her arm.