Archives

He’s a big movie star. She’s had one really major role, and is already booked for half a dozen new projects. You probably already know that they are dating. What you may not know are the facts behind the pairing. It’s a public relations set up. She is bisexual. He is gay. In fact, his ex-wife left him because she found him in bed with another guy! But for now, together, these two attractive actors make for crazed paparazzi and great photo ops. Well, that is, at least until their contract expires in a couple of months. (Blind Gossip)

Bradley Cooper & Zoe Saldana? That question mark has a slight squint on it, because Zoe Saldana has had more than one really major role. The bitch gave a breakthrough COGS-worthy (Critics Choice, Oscar, Golden Globes, SAG Awards) performance in the art house masterpiece Crossroads. We shouldn't disrespect her like that.

And you know, we should have contracts for all kinds of relationships not just the beardy ones. It would be so much easier if I knew the exact date I was going to get dumped instead of it creeping up on me. The worst is when you've just had your ass crack waxed thinking you're going to get some and the bitch dumps you that day. You're left with a broken heart and a sexy time-ready ass crack that's not going to get sexy anytime soon.

Which popular singing duo has decided to no longer appear on their gay pal’s talk show in order to appease their religious fans? The entertainers were flooded with hate mail from their goody-two-shoes followers who clearly don’t approve of the TV personality’s sexual preference. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Ellen DeGeneres and Sugarland?

Which male star from The Hills has a new boyfriend who pays him a very nice monthly allowance. (CDAN)

Stephanie Pratt.

She was really big back in the 1980′s and then her career dropped off in the 90′s. She has a steady, cult fan base who she keeps in contact with on a regular basis. Her fans keep her spirits up, even though she’s obsessed with her own fame and image. This is probably why she meets at least one fan a week for a ‘hook-up.’ (BuzzFoto)

I really wish this was born again Christian Vanity, because I am definitely a fan and I'd definitely hook-up with her. And by hook-up I mean roll around in her collection of silk negligees while she told me stories about how fucked up Prince is.

My real guess is Debbie Gibson?

Either Becks is stuffed or he's got nuts bigger than Posh's lollipop head - Towleroad

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel are probably totally completely maybe engaged - Lainey Gossip

Demi Moore put the skills she learned during all her bikini bathroom iPhone shoots to good use for Harper's Bazaar - The Berry

Isn't wheelchair porn the main reason why most marriages end? - The Superficial

Crispy Ronaldo's tweezer holder sexes up a staircase in Esquire - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

That dude hired to guard JWoww of all hos must be wondering when it all went wrong - Hollywood Tuna

Why did I think this was an old picture of Chrissy Crocker? - Popsugar

Blind item solved! Mario Lopez is marrying the Grinch's face double - Just Jared

How nice of Selena Gomez to pick Justin Bieber up a Happy Meal - Popoholic

Taylor Momsen's raccoon eyes and Brit Brit's old weave somehow made their way onto Reese Witherspoon - Celebitchy

I hear that Barbara Walters does this exact move when Elisabeth Hasselcrack tries to cut her off - The Daily What

We're living in a world where a mutated herp sore in a weave has made over $1 billion in 6 years - ICYDK

Official announcement that Fergie has been fired from the Black Eyed Peas and replaced by this lady in 3..2.... - Videogum

Pugapalooza! - Cityrag

Victoria Silvstedt looking as naturally gorgeous as ever - Celebslam

Someone named Max and someone named Michelle went sailing - Hollywood Rag

James Franco is a novelist now - I'm Not Obsessed

And here I was thinking that nothing could leave me in a state of disgusted confusion like this NSWFish picture of Charlie Sheen working as a cheese cleaner to earn that 8 ball, but this dreadful musical theater news has beat that shit.

Tom Hooper, the director of The King's Speech, is doing a Les Miserables movie and so far his casting decisions haven't made my ears cringe themselves shut. Tom cast Russell Crowe as Javert, Hugh Jackman as Valjean, Anne Hathaway as Fantine, Eddie Raymane as Marius and he's talking to Sacha Baron Cohen and Helena Bonham Carter about taking the roles of Thenardier and Mme Thenardier. Not that bad. But "not that bad" has turned into "OMGMYEARSWHYTORTURE!", because Tom has offered Taylor Swift the role of Eponine. Eponine is that dumb urchin bitch who is in love with Marius, but still leads him to his true love Cosette and eventually gets herself shot up in the end. I know all of this, because I was gay in high school. Musical theater was the only way to deal.

Broadway World has it on good authority that after months of auditions, Taylor Swift beat out ScarJo, Lea Michele and Evan Rachel Wood. Universal has also offered the role of Cosette to Amanda Seyfried. Rehearsals start at the end of the month, so the entire cast should be announced soon.

I'm sure a warm feeling would fill most of our dead hearts while watching Taylor Swift die a slow painful death, but Tom Hooper said himself that all of the actors will have to sing live. LIVE. Taylor Swift + singing live = eardrum genocide! Can't they dub her with a goat getting strangled? It would be more on key.

The only reason I can come up with as to why Tom would cast this yodeling broomstick is that he really wants the audience to feel the pain of the characters. You know, when Taylor gets a bullet to the body, he really wants all of us to pull out a gun and shoot ourselves in the ears to escape the torturous sound of her last singing notes.

Sadly, the gift that keeps on giving Michele Bachmann ended her presidential dreams today after coming in sixth place in last night's Iowa Cock Ass. But Michele didn't leave through the exit door without dropping another gem into our hungry palms. During a speech last night, Michele told her supporters that her husband, Marcus Bachmann (government name: The Fabulous Marcus Bachmann), spent the day buying doggie sunglasses on Main Street in Des Moines. The look on his face had "Oops, how did that dick get in there?" written all over it. It was perfect.

FYI: If you ever ask me where I'm going and I tell you I'm off to buy doggie sunglasses, just know that I really mean I'm off to suck dick in a Des Moines glory hole.

via Mattchew

The Brangie/Aniston fan fiction written in tabloids has officially swirled into a hyperbole of hot-blooded fuckery and sluts just don't give a fuck anymore. They will splatter anything on their pages.

Remember that story about how Sue Mengers advised Jennifer Aniston to get Brad Pitt's sperm when he dropped her for Angie Jolie? I just knew that one of the tabloids would spin it into something truly fucktastic and they didn't let me down. Star stepped up and spun out this tragic tale of how Angie temporarily left Brad after finding out that he once made a baby with Jennifer Aniston. It all started when Angie asked Brad about the Sue Mengers story and he tried to deny it, but later he admitted that Jen got pregnant for a second in 2004 and quickly miscarried. Angie had a skeleton fit, because she wants to be the only one with ovaries touched by Brad's sperm. Basically, Angie has a greedy uterus. The source (aka an intern with a creative writing degree who was drunk on fermented fruitcake at the time) said this:

“He had never told Angie this before. She had assumed all along that she was the only woman Brad had ever impregnated. Now Angie is questioning everything, including whether she can ever trust Brad again.

Brad doesn’t tell Angie everything, especially when it comes to Jen. The mention of Jen makes Angie completely irrational. But he never imagined this would infuriate Angie to the extent that it has. Now it could spell the end of them forever.”

If this story was translated into Spanish and you sprinkled a few "lárgates" on it, you'd have the script for the best novella ever. But it gets better. The National Enquirer says that you're about to see the image of a knocked up saintly skeleton, because Angie has a 3-month-old fetus in her ethereal womb.

In a startling development, the screen sexpot and papa Brad Pitt are getting the best New Year’s present of all – a surprise pregnancy.

Sources reveal the thrilled Oscar winner is three months along and now she can’t hide her telltale belly bump.

“Brad and Angie are ecstatic,” an insider told The ENQUIRER.

“They’ve been trying to conceive for most of the year. It was always their goal to have another biological baby, and they want to adopt at least one more down the line. But at 36, Angie’s biological clock has been ticking.”

“With all of Angie’s medical woes lately, she and Brad consider it a blessing and a miracle that she was able to conceive,” revealed the insider. “Angie had a very rough first trimester and strug­gled to keep weight on,” noted a close source.

“But she’s put on weight over the holidays, stuffing herself with meats and fruits. She’s com­pletely committed to staying healthy for the sake of her family, but she needs to gain more weight to keep her baby healthy.”

You can't make this shit up! Oh wait, they just did. No, no, both of these stories are about as factual as factual as factual as factual can be. I believe every word of them. I also believe that what I wrote in my Sue Mengers post is as factual as factual can be. Jennifer Aniston took one of her own ovaries, fertilized it with Brad's donated sperm and somehow got it into Angie's greedy uterus. Angie is carrying Jennifer and Brad's love child! And my 2012 will officially be made when the nurse hands Angie the child and a stream of liquid revenge bursts out of her bulging forehead vein as the new baby says to her, "Uncooooooo."

Because selling whipped cream vodka with that dead slut baby voice of hers isn't enough to pay her barber bill, Amber Rose has pulled out the names of Kim Kuntrashian and Kanye West from the past and dropped them into a probably paid interview she did with Star Magazine (via Radar). The brand new information Amber Rose spilled out about Kim will force you into a state of frozen shock and the only way you'll be able to snap out of it is with a splash of cold piss to the face. So keep a medical team and a full urostomy bag on hand before you go any further.

The Susan Powter of video hos says that Kim is a homewrecking whore slut skank trollop who had a lot to do with her split from Kanye. After reading that sentence, you probably blacked out and woke up a few seconds later with sore muscles, the scent of bladder juice on your face and a medical professional blinding you in the eyes with a flashlight while telling you you're going to be okay. It's that shocking! And brace yourself for some more:

Amber on Kim: “Kim is one of the main reasons why me and Kanye are not together. She’s a home wrecker!”

Amber on how Gay Fish cheated on her with Kim and Kim cheated on Reggie Bush with Gay Fish: “They were both cheating, They were both cheating on me and Reggie with each other.”

Amber on how Kim lured Gay Fish in with the siren song coming out of her asshole: “She was sending pictures, and I was like, ‘Kim, just stop. Don’t be that person. I thought at least she’d be woman enough to respond to me. She never responded. It’s very important that us women stick together and we don’t fuck each other over like that.”

Amber on how Kim's dick stealing ways led her to true love: “I want to thank her. Because if she was never a homewrecker, then I never would have met Wiz, and I wouldn’t be as happy as I am now.”

So let's see, according to Amber, Kanye is a selfish, douche hole of used litter and Kim is a selfish, shameless whore bag. There are literally millions of pieces of proof that is Kanye is a douche and Kim is a greedy slut, but I never truly believed it until it came out of Amber Rose's mouth. So thank you, Amber. You can stop fucking that chicken named OBVIOUS and saddle off.

Sinead O'Connor's marriage to Barry Herridge quickly fell into a coma on her honeymoon night when she dragged his ass to a Las Vegas crackhouse looking for the good shit. Shit was a little awkward since Barry is a drug counselor (Note to self: Ask your new husband if he's a drug counselor before you drag him to a crackhouse on your honeymoon night) and so they went their separate ways. But just like the feeling in my no-no when I sprinkle a little salt on it, Barry has come back to Sinead and she Tweeted about their reunion last night. WARNING: Reading Sinead's Tweets could cause your brain to wall slide against your skull, because this reads like it was written by a horny, handless caveman with a concussion on his head (or by Courtney Love):

Spent beautiful evening of love making with nine other than husband! Who turned up angelically we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend

guess whohad a mad love making affair with her own husband last night?

Yay!!! we decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend again an stay married but we did rush so we gonna return to b friend g friend

an be sickenly happy an go counsellin an move in in like a yr like regular people.. but stay married an we all in love an fuck every other

motherufcker who dont like it.. so me all happy!! me love me hubby.. he love me... fuck who no like it.. God is good!

so sinead got laid!!!

an all well.

yay!!! me husband is a big hairy cave man an came to claim me with his club : ) and now im in cave-land.. yay!! we both go panto!

In Sinead's defense, Barry most likely easied her difficult brown last night and the spasms from her culo veins shot up to her fingers leaving them numb. And she was stoned into another dimension. Both of those things are the signs of true true love.

Apparently, there's such a thing as a mild case of kidney failure and Nick Cannon's got it. I guess Nick's kidney hasn't completely went the way of his music career (aka died a fast death), but it's just lying there, paralyzed and has temporarily forgotten how to form emotions. Sort of like Mimi's twins when they glance at this portrait hanging over her Hello Kitty bathtub.

Nick had a kidney situation while the two were spreading their cheese in Aspen (see the foolery below) and is now laid up in a hospital bed. And in true Mimi fashion, she jumped into the hospital bed and forced some tortured nurse to take a picture for her Twitter followers. That nurse now knows how to take a picture while trying hard to control her eyeballs from instinctively rolling out of their sockets. Mimi posted this long ass message with the precious portrait:

Please pray for Nick as he's fighting to recover from a mild kidney failure.

This is us in the hospital - role reversal; Last year it was me attached to the machines (after having dembabies) and Nick was there with me through it, and now here we are.

We're trying to be as festive as possible under the circumstances but please keep Nick in your thoughts because this is very painful. They tried to kick me out of the hospital but here I am pon de bed with Mr. C.

We're doing OK but we're "straaaaaanded in Aspen". #DramaticDivaPlace (I know, we could be in a lot worse places) but the truth is as long as we're together, we're OK. I'm not trying to make light out of the situation because it's a serious moment that's very tough on all of us so please keep us and our family in your prayers. LYM.

Nick must have the sicks in a serious way, because his facial expression is brought to us by the letters FML. Or maybe Nick's feeling the pain inside something extra, because his kidney has more than mildly failed after Mimi put that assholian hat on his head for this picture. It'll be okay. That bitch Kero Kero Keroppi owes Mimi, so I'm sure he's good for a kidney.

An Illinois man threw a lawsuit at PepsiCo back in 2009, because he says that he found a dead mouse in a can of Mountain Dew. If you're wondering how can a mouse get into a can of Mountain Dew, just remind your ass that somehow Xtina squeezes into a bandage dress that is six sizes too small. Anything can happen. The mouse-finder claims he sent the can and the dead mouse to Pepsi, but after testing it they destroyed it. But Pepsi's defense is that there's no way the dude could find a whole dead mouse in the can, because Mountain Dew is so toxically disgusting that it can melt an entire mouse including its bones. Well, the good news is that Parasite Hilton finally found something to melt the warts on her pussy that have grown furry faces and have started to bark. The Atlantic Wire puts it like this:

Most shudder-worthy, however, is that Pepsi's lawyers also found experts to testify, based on the state of the remains sent to them, that "the mouse would have dissolved in the soda had it been in the can from the time of its bottling until the day the plaintiff drank it," according to the Record. (It would have become a "jelly-like substance," according to Pepsi, adds LegalNewsline.)

I'd be surprised if there wasn't bits of mouse jelly in every can of Mountain Dew. That is a marketing point for their asses. Mountain Dew: Now with more protein! Mountain Dew is also the perfect butt douche to turn to when that stubborn gerbil refuses to fall out of your ass.

But seriously, only trash drinks Mountain Dew (cut to you sipping a Sanka with a splash of Dew). Any refined soda-ie only sips from a vintage Cactus Cooler can.

Damn, Ambur Portwood is looking GOOD! - snuffy

Runners-up:

This was left under Courtney and Goopy's table at Abu- Dhabi. - parissucksliterally

Beyonce is sending her fake placenta to the "farm" to live in peace with her fake baby belly. - joanieindixie

Well no wonder Gary Busey's dentist charges so much. Someone has to haul away his extracted teeth. - Eileenie McMeanie

via PIU