Since Dlisted has turned into Beylisted today, here's a final one to tip you over and pour you out. Releasing a new song featuring Blue Ivy's wailing debut (Side note: The song has already gone quadruple platinum and is a frontrunner for the Nobel Peace Prize) wasn't enough for Beyonce and Jay-Z, so they have thrown themselves on top of the media again and released a statement. Beyonce wants to put a shush on the rumor that she had a scheduled C-section and says in the statement that a chocha did burst open for the reincarnation of Jesus.
"We are happy to announce the arrival of our beautiful daughter, Blue Ivy Carter, born on Saturday, January 7, 2012. Her birth was emotional and extremely peaceful – we are in heaven. She was delivered naturally at a healthy 7 lbs. It was the best experience of both of our lives. We are thankful to everyone for all your prayers, well wishes, love and support."
Meanwhile, Lenox Hill gave birth to their own statement that answered to the rumor that Beyonce and Jay-Z paid them $1.3 million to redecorate and shut down an entire wing.
"The suggestion that the couple paid $1.3 million to rent an entire maternity floor is simply not true. The family is housed in an executive suite at the hospital and is being billed the standard rate for those accommodations.
The family does have its own security detail on site. However, the hospital has been and continues to be in control of managing all security at the facility. We have made every effort to ensure minimal disruption to other families experiencing the births of their own children over the past three days."
And the rep went on, "And the $1.3 million the Carters DID NOT give us DID NOT go toward naming a wing on the sixth floor after their child. That "The Blue Ivy Wing" sign made out of diamonds and platinum the workers are currently putting up on the sixth floor has nothing to do with Blue Ivy Carter. The Goddess of Childbirth's real name is Blue Ivy, or some shit. So don't even ask!"
Meanwhile, as the Three Kings deliver trunks full of jewels to Blue Ivy, Basement Baby used her last dollar to buy a Baby Ruth from the waiting room vending machine and it got stuck. Basement Baby is still in the basement even when she's on the sixth floor. #solangeshrug
Warning to all music hos who can't travel on a tour bus without a jar of the good shit at your side, do not roll through Sierra Blanca, TX, because they will stop you, snatch your stuff and cut your buzz short by arresting your ass. They did it to Willie Nelson and they did it to Snoop Dogg over the weekend. FREE SNOOOOOP (or just free his stash and let all of us split it up amongst ourselves)!!!!
TMZ says that border patrol stopped Snoop's bus and ran a standard inspection with the help of a drug-sniffing dog. Of course, those dogs don't know any better, so they narced a bitch out and pointed police toward a trash can at the back of the bus. They found two joints (with about a half an ounce in them) stuffed into a prescription meds bottle. A DUH echoed through the state when Snoop admitted to the cops that the joints belonged to him. Snoop presented the cops with his medical marijuana license, but that shit is only valid in California and the cops shooed it away. They slapped Snoop with a citation for misdemeanor marijuana possession and released him. Snoop can either pay a $537 fine or challenge it in court.
Okay, I'm fucked with shock over the fact that he was caught with only half an ounce. A drop of Snoop's saliva has more than half an ounce of weed in it. Either one of Snoop's assistants will be butt queefing out weed buds for days to come or he was traveling light that day. And on another subject, where can I get one of those weed-sniffing pooches? I'm sick of going to my friend's house and getting a blank face after I ask if he's got anything. A weed-sniffing pooch would solve that! Besides, I've always wanted to say, "The dog's nose says it's in your ass."
BREAKING: Prince William holds his own umbrella at the London premiere of War Horse (the movie directed by Steven Spielberg and not the documentary about how Camilla finally got Prince Charles to marry her ass) - Lainey Gossip
Speaking War Horse, the nightmares that poor baby had that night... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Katy Perry tells her Jew-hating Christian preacher father to shut his lips - The Superficial
Elin Nordegren's brand new Chateau de Suck It Tiger is going to look exactly like the mansion she tore down - Celebitchy
A-Rod would like to put Kelly Kelly behind the cash wrap while he shops around a bit - Hollywood Tuna
Can Emma Stone please tell Andrew Garfield to stop dressing like a first grader on his first day back from winter break? - The Berry
John Travolta, set your Tivo! - Towleroad
The ShamWow Guy took a break from scrappin' with hookers in Florida to shoot a new commercial - Towleroad
TOM SELLECK!!! (oh and Maria Menudoswhatever is there too) - Popoholic
All hail Queen Betty White on her 90th birthday extravaganzaaaaaa - Just Jared
Cameron Diaz is a lovely shade of Butterfinger shit - Popsugar
By "regrets" she means "dignity", right? - ICYDK
That skid mark on your subway seat you thought was just chocolate sauce.... Well.... - OMG Blog
Mel Gibson just found his next bride - Videogum
Please tell me Christina Milian's dress is by Body Glove - Hollywood Rag
The sweet nectar's got RiRi doing the two hand jobs and a blow pose - Cityrag
Lisa Loeb's got a case of the BABIES!!! again - I'm Not Obsessed
The good news is that Craig David (Google him, you dumb fuck!) still exists.
The better news is that Craig David tried to give us some good fap material in Miami the other day when he took off his top and flexed all of his hard veins while doing of Tommy Girl's favorite sexercise. (But Tommy is the one holding the pink rope as a naked, lubed-up Puerto Rican hustler tries to run away from him. Tommy pulls that Puerto Rican hustler right onto his Scientolopeen every time. How else did you think he got those guns?!)
The awful news is that all of these pictures are unfap-worthy because of Craig's nasty, gross, vomit-inducing foot condoms made from the devil's intestines. Mark all of these with a giant red X, pull up your pants and change your status from "away" to "available" on IM. (Tip of the day: Make sure you always set your IM status to "away" before you get into some good Internet porn, because nothing is worse than getting an IM from your mom while you're fapping away).
While Michelle Williams hears nothing but the sound of a tumbleweave blowing down the lonely road when she asks "Whose butt do I have to much to get my song played?!", Blue Ivy Carter just has to be born to get some airplay. Just two days after Blue Ivy caused chaos at Lenox Hill, Jay-Z has released a new single called "Glory (Ft. B.I.C.)" where he confesses that Beyonce had a miscarriage before. Here's all the lyrics courtesy of Jezebel:
The most amazing feeling I feel
Words can't describe what I'm feeling, for real
Baby paint the sky blue
My greatest creation was you
False alarms and false starts
All made better by the sound of your heart
All the pain of the last time
I prayed so hard it was the last time
Your mama said that you danced for her
Did you wiggle your ass for her?
Bad-ass lil Hov
two years old, shopping on Saville Row
Wicked-ass lil B
Hard not to spoil you rotten, looking like lil me
The most beautifullest thing in this world
Is daddy's little girl
You don't yet know what swag is
But you was made in Paris
And mama woke up the next day
And shouted out the package (?!)
Last time the miscarriage was so tragic
We was afraid you'd disappear
But naw, baby, you magic
"Did you wiggle your ass for her?" I'm not a mother to a newborn messiah, but I'm pretty sure she's wiggling her ass, because she wants the nanny (Basement Baby) to change her House of Derriere diaper. And the crying at the end?! The Grammy committee is probably holding an emergency meeting as a fart this out to come up with a way to give Blue Ivy Carter some kind of special award.
The one thing this song tells me is that we're never ever ever going to stop hearing about this baby. Hell, I can't even take a hit from my bong without looking at my BIC lighter and seeing Blue Ivy Carter instead of the BIC Man. Well, damn.
Nomi & Cristal, Tanya & Amber, Brandy & Monica, Nell Carter & Dinah Manoff, Alexis & Krystle, Shakespeare's Sister, Lady Macbeth & a puddle of blood and Bartles & Jaymes are just some of the most iconic pairings of glamour in history, and you can now put Courtney Stodden & Chicken Cutlets on the top of that list.
Time stopped, the sun held its breath and the entire city of L.A. went numb last Friday when the iguana goddess and the Hot Babe of the Century joined glamorous forces to melt the rubber off of every pap's camera with the hot shards of magic that jumped off of their bodies with every pose. You will lose all feeling in your eyeballs from staring at PP's "Fraggle Rock refugee" ensemble, but you'll get that feeling back after Courtney Stodden knocks you out with with her Barbizon: Stripper Division poses.
And now it's time for a math problem!
When a slutty train leaves glamour for elegance at noon while a ginger train leaves elegance for glamour, what does it look like when they crash into each other?
Answer: THIS MASTERPIECE OF A VIDEO!
BONUS VIDEO: Here's Chicken Cutlets talking about how she's been named Woman of the Year by
Foster Farms the Leukemia Something Society:
Willow "Coloring Outside of the Lines" Smith, Jaden Smith and their gang of Latch Key Kids left the Louis Vuitton store in L.A. the other night and I have two very good reasons for being mad at her. The first being that the gay poodle's ass on her head has given me a craving for cinnamon candy popcorn and that's not okay since my shit is on a diet after swallowing all the good things Italy has to offer for a week. The second being that I wish that when I was 3 (or however old she is) I could walk around looking like the acid-tipped Bride of Minajestein without the fear of an abuelita slapping the WTF off of my head with a chancleta.
Beyonce and Jay-Z bought an entire wing of the sixth floor of Lenox Hill Hospital for $1.3 million, because self-entitlement runs through their veins, and because they didn't want anybody
seeing their South American surrogate being shuttled in getting a picture of their precious Baby Blue Ivy. Their headset-wearing bodyguards trolled the entire floor and stopped any ordinary peon from entering the golden wing of eternal light including a father who just wanted to see his premature twin girls. Neil Coulon tells The New York Daily News that he tried to see his sick girls in the neonatal intensive care unit on the sixth floor, but Jay-Z's goons blocked his way and banished him from the entire floor.
“Three times they stopped me from entering or exiting the NICU (Neo-natal Intensive Care Unit) and it happened once on Friday — just because they wanted to use the hallway. They should have been more strategic about it Tches are children with problems in intensive care and you're just going to take over the hospital like you own it? All I want is an apology.
I know they spent $1.3 million and I'm just a contractor from Bed-Stuy, but the treatment we received was not okay. My wife is just terribly upset. She had a C-section. She gave birth to twins. She is sore. Nobody needs this. This is the NICU. Nobody cares if you’re a celebrity. Nobody is star-gazing. They just want to see their children.
To have that circus roll into town and ruin our parade was unpleasant."
A rep for Lenox Hill said that she's trying to hear Mr. Coulon's complaint, but it's hard to hear him over the sound of a machine counting all the cash that Jay-Z and Beyonce gave them. I'm sure Mr. Coulon will soon receive a postcard from Lenox Hill that reads: Jay-Z and Beyonce gave us money-loving whores $1.3 million, your argument is invalid.
Mr. Coulon had it kind of easy, though. I heard that on Saturday night, every world leader ordered a cease labor on all contracting coochies, because Beyonce refused for her special golden child to be born at the same time as a bunch of regulars!
Click play before proceeding, because this kind of foolery needs a theme song and this is just the theme song for it:
When Beyonce's gold-plated House of Dereoyster slipped out the second coming on a bed of blessed weaves Saturday night, I just knew it was only a matter of time before the Illuminati theories started dropping on the Internet and the Internet hasn't let me down. Beyonce and Jay-Z's daughter's name Blue Ivy (which still sounds like the name of a European porn star or a Los Angeles-area new American bistro with a C rating on its door) probably represents their weird obsession with the number 4. Ivy after IV and Blue after Jay-Z's The Blueprint Project, which he's done 3 of, so Blue Ivy would be his fourth. Yeah, the way they hump on the number 4 is weird, but they're beyond rich and sometimes that kind of money turns a ho into a bona fide crazy.
But the best theory as to why Beyonce and Jay-Z named the golden child Blue Ivy came from Twitter, of course. On Sunday morning, the topic #illuminatisveryoungest started trending after some disciples of fuckery claimed that Eulb Yvi (Blue Ivy backwards) is the name of Lucifer's daughter. Gather brings us this gift wrapped in a ribbon of HAHAHAHAHAs:
It seems that people believe the name "Ivy" stands for "Illuminati's Very Youngest." Why people think this, it's not clear. Maybe because daddy Jay-Z is rumored to be a part of the Illuminati. It's highly unlikely, however, that the ultra-secretive group would allow a newborn to join their ranks. Especially since the Illuminati is said to be a men's only club.
A Twitter user said the following : Rai Mitha (@Rai968): IVY =Illuminati's Very Youngest. Eulb Yvi (her name backwards) is Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin
So basically, if you take Blue Ivy and turn it backwards you get Eulb Yvi, which just so happens to be Lucifer's daughter's name in Latin. Now, that's a weird combination. So, Beyoncé's daughter is not only the Illuminati's Very Youngest, she's also the daughter of Satan? Does that make Jay-Z the devil incarnated?
Eulb Yvi?! That sounds like the name of the illness I'm currently suffering from that's making my b-hole hack up phlegm. I would say that some bitches need less Twitter in their lives, but I don't mean that, because we need more hot-blooded puddles of mess like this. So they're basically trying to say that Beyonce's Baby is the new Rosemary's Baby. I swear, Beyonce is so damn shameless. She's stealing from move plots now! But I still need to see the scene where Beyonce's wig spooks right off of her head when she stares into her House of Dereon stroller and sees a demon child (who has a face like this).
But seriously, after doing some research, I found out that in Latin the name Eulb Yvi actually means JACKSHIT NOTHING! It means nothing. Besides, the real name of Lucifer's daughter is Sirk Rennej.
And while doing research, I also learned that the latin phrase K Leahcim means dim slore in English.
Lady CaCa is hiding out in a giant empty pickle jar full of Valtrex powder, OxyClean and Debby Downer this morning to keep the terrifying Chilean rape monster that is Snooki from forcibly smooshing pickle sludge into her. That South Park episode wasn't just leaded fuel for your night terrors, it was a piece from the real-life future! The waxed Chilean wombat jumped on her Twatter yesterday and spit this fear-inducing nugget out:
The charred pieces of brain meat in Snooki's head are powered by dirty jacuzzi water, rotten fake tan grease and boiled pickle juice, so of course she's going to say shit like this, but that doesn't mean it was necessary or right. The visuals alone! If the visuals in my head were scratch 'n sniff, they would smell like a whole lot of NO (which strangely enough, smells like her own brand of skank water).
On a positive note, it still amazes me to see how far science has come. I mean, scientists actually taught a brain-deficient chimp to Tweet on its own. Don't let anybody tell you that pickles don't work as positive reinforcements.
And here's one of Lady CaCa's greatest fears getting The Big Doucher constellation tattooed on her shoulder in Hollywood the other night.