They're really slow clapping in Hell for Chris Brown tonight. Just when you think that Chris Brown is as worthless as a piece of dried dog shit stuck in the crevices on the bottom of your sneaker and can't get any shittier, he finds a way to get even shittier! Fist Brown and his pack of dick bags thought it would be really hilarious to dress up as stereotypical Arab terrorists for Halloween. Don't even bother asking WHY? Only tampon-brained toilet turds who are only capable of making crap decisions would pull some shit like this and that's exactly what Chris Brown is.
Since Chris Brown is trying to be some hard terrorist, I just have to ask: Where are SEAL Team Six when we really, really need them?
It seems like it was five seconds ago when Evan Rachel Wood was making all of our body pores barf out liquid ewww by trying to becoming Dita Von Teese 2.0 while boning Marilyn Manson, and it was really only ten seconds ago when Jamie Bell was twirling and jete-ing as Billy Elliot. Now they're both all grown up and marrying each other! "Hello, OLD AGE, yeah, it's me, Michael K. So Billy Elliot just got married. Yeah, that means I'm coming to visit you any minute now. The key's under the mat? Great."
Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell apparently got engaged to each other last December and her rep tells UsWeekly that she became Mrs. Billy Elliot in California yesterday. Evan wore a dress by Carolina Herrera and Billy Elliot wore a leotard tuxedo with ballet slippers. They promised to love, cherish and not viciously murder look-alikes of each other in a music video. Evan and Billy Elliot started bumping nipples in 2006 after shooting a Green Day video together. Then they broke up in 2007 and got back together last year.
Only celebrities and bitches who want to save money on their wedding reception venue get married on a weekday. These bitches got married on a damn Tuesday. The easiest way to piss off one of my relatives is to get married or throw a party on a day that isn't a Friday or a Saturday. They'll have a stank look on their face the entire night and won't congratulate your inconsiderate ass. They'll be too busy being mad at the fact that they can't get to the final level of drunk on free beer, because they have to work in the morning.
Kate Moss talks to Vanity Fair about crying tears over Johnny Depp and getting "Mossed." No, getting "Mossed" isn't the act of smoking swamp moss. - Lainey Gossip
Ricky Martin tweets a truly versatile picture of himself. You can either Photoshop yourself bending over in front of him or you can Photoshop yourself working him from behind. Any way you want it! - Towleroad
Happy Slutoween from Wayne Gretzky's daughter - Hollywood Tuna
Rosie Huntington-Whateverly's dress looks like taco lettuce - Drunken Stepfather
Doug Hutchison is smiling because he knows what he's going to do with that unicorn horn later. And Courtney Stodden's costume is the reason why I stopped taking Ecstasy. - The Superficial
Panty Creamer of the Day: Johan Akan - The Berry
Every time Taylor Swift says "dark and twisty," a black licorice Red Vine kills itself - Celebitchy
Cee Lo might've used his tiny arms to molest a woman - Celebitchy
"We have the same personalities" - Nicole ScherMINGEr to that umbrella handle - Popoholic
Nicole Richie and Benji Madden seem really into it - Popsugar
That last zing from Governor Chris Christie probably made Gretchen Carlson's hard drive malfunction - IDLYITW
And right after Brad Pitt handed over that $100,00, he whispered, "But don't try to get gay marriage legal in ALL the states just yet, because then I have to marry Angie like tomorrow!" - Just Jared
Tragedy in a pair of leg warmers - SOW
Happy Catoween! - Cityrag
Expect a Guns 'N Roses album in 20 years - Hollywood Rag
Tommy Girl wants more Mission Impossible - I'm Not Obsessed
Even a natural disaster isn't going to stop Evelyn Lozada from being an idiot - Crunk + Disorderly
How do I hire Little Abby as my official voice on all things political (shit, on all things in general), because she is reading my mind..... and we have the same fashion sense.
Just like I did once in 1988 (and 1998... and 1999... and 2000), Ellen DeGeneres dressed in drag for Shallowqueen and she did while getting a bonus check from Cover Girl. Ellen dropped a wig on her head and strapped on a peek-a-boo ass that looked more real than Kim Kardashian's to come out on stage as her fellow Cover Girl Sofia Vergara. I can already here one of my hating aunties saying that Ellen's accent sounds more authentic than Sofia's. My hating aunt is always saying shit like, "Sofia Vergara's accent is so fake! She is such a stereotype! She's so embarrassing! Now hold my plate of rice con frijoles so I can go dance barefoot in front of that mariachi band. Ayeyayyayayaya!"
And I'm not going to talk about those sneaker shoes. I'll talk about them when Brit Brit eventually wears them to go to Del Taco.
The chunk just keeps melting off of Jessica Simpson (and no, I'm not going to say that Papa Joe is using her melted chunk for butt lube. I'm not going to....) and she showed off her new multi-million dollar Weight Watchers body by dressing up as a Scottish wench for Halloween. This is the hottest Chestica has looked in centuries and I'm not only saying that because her chichi balls are bigger than that baby's body. I'm only saying that, because she looks like a replica of Drag Race Willam in the face.
Jessica dressed her daughter up as a rooster (or maybe she's a shower puff) and her fiance, who her family refers to as "Oh, You're Still Here," dressed up as Braveheart Mel Gibson. Since he's Mel Gibson for Halloween, I'm guessing he's going to take it all the way by screaming at Jessica to blow him before Jacuzzi. They'll eventually compromise by slathering strawberry Fluff on his peen. Peen and Fluff is only 2 Weight Watchers points. I checked.
And when Whatshisname is done with that wig, he needs to give it to Papa Joe. Anything is better than the bleached mid-life crisis that's on Papa Joe's head right now.
Most of us haven't been able to fully enjoy a double glazed donut after reading story after story about how John Travolta's slobbery dough hole tried to gobble up any and ever man finger that came near it. And now here's something that might keep you off of Chick-O-Sticks for a while.
Papa Joe Simpson hasn't officially "come out" (and he doesn't need to when he's walking around in outfits like this), but The National Enquirer is still pouring all of his (alleged) secrets out on the internet. Bryce Chandler Hill apparently wasn't the only pretty-faced twink that Papa Joe was rolling around naked with. A high-priced escort named Joey Anderson (Side note: Click here for his Daddy Reviews page and yes, I just spent 20 minutes of my time looking for a review that read, "And he even complimented me on the highlights in my pubes!") ran off to the Enquirer to tell them about the night in May when Papa Joe paid him $600 for a little quality time at the Mandarin Oriental in NYC. Because a getting a cashiers check from The National Enquirer is more important than not breaking the ho code, Joey Anderson told all:
"Over the course of two hours or so, we rolled around, kissed and gave each other oral. We'd take breathers and then start up all over again. He seemed to have an insatiable appetite for sex and never really appeared tired. I didn’t let on that I knew his real identity, and he never mentioned anything about Jessica or his family. I’ve been with a lot of men in my life, and by Joe’s actions that night, he’s gay.
Whatever the case, I'm probably not the only one. After being a family man, and a religious one to boot, for all these years, I'm sure he's out sowing his wild oats with a bunch of boys. Joe has lived a lifetime of deceit regarding his sexuality. Before the dust settles, I wouldn't be surprised to hear about a lot more guys coming forward."
In other Sugar Daddy Joe news, Radar says that Tina Simpson found out that her husband was gargling on twink peen when she found modeling pictures of Bryce in her house and later pried a confession out of Joe in the lobby of his NYC hotel. Tina also knew that something in the milk was twink cream when she noticed that hundreds of thousands of dollars went missing from her checking account. The source says Papa Joe pulled that money out to make it rain fancy gifts on Bryce.
Papa Joe really does have a type. If your body is empty of hair, you smell like strawberry lip gloss and you've got a premium flippin' mane, then Papa Joe wants you. Some of you have already been through enough this week, so instead of picturing Joey's luscious unicorn mane falling all over Pastor Joe's gut as they get into some beej time fun, just picture them reading scriptures to each other in that hotel room. Actually, don't, because the latter image is more terrifying.
Gene Hackman is 82-years-old and he's proving that you're never too old to whoop a homeless trick down for calling your wife a cunt. TMZ says that a bitchified hobo named Bruce Becker came at Pepaw Gene and his wife Betsy Arakawa as the two left a restaurant in Santa Fe, New Mexico on Tuesday. TMZ doesn't say exactly how the hobo came at Gene, but the hobo learned that when you come at a pepaw for whatever reason, you will end up with a face full of his slappin' hand.
After Bruce started shit with Gene, they both yelled at each other and the hobo took it to a new level by throwing the cunt word at Betsy. As soon as that word leaped off of Bruce's tongue, the band stopped playing, the sun hid behind the clouds, tumbleweeds got out of the way, children ran inside, birds shut their mouths and the dust hitched a ride out of there on a sliver of wind. Nobody wanted to be around when shit got serious. Gene slapped Bruce right in the face. Bruce called the cops, but nobody got put into cuffs, because the police officer said Gene slapped Bruce out of self-defense.
I don't even know Betsy Arakawa, but I'd still get all Peter Cetera on a bitch for screwing with her wrong. A woman whose floss thin brows match the arch of her hairline deserves to be defended at all costs.
Heidi Klum should've canceled her annual Halloween party the day she traded in Seal's peen for the help's peen, but she still made plans to go on with it and had her team of full-time costume elves make her an elaborate as all hell Cleopatra costume. But Heidi will probably never wear that Cleopatra costume at one of her Halloween parties, because she has pressed the pause button that on shit. Since it's kind of hard to have a party in NYC without electricity, a dance floor that's not underwater and people who could give a shit, Heidi announced that her Halloween party is canceled and she might do a haunted Christmas thing in December instead. Well, at least this gives Heidi more time to fornicate with the help (Seal's words not mine). Heidi tweeted the news and also gave it to ET:
"I hope you & your loved ones are safe after this devastating storm in the New York City area. For obvious reasons, I am canceling my Halloween party scheduled for tomorrow night. I hope to postpone for the near future... maybe a very Haunted Christmas? I hope everyone understands and stays safe."
Can't we just cancel Halloween altogether? I know I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles again... I say "almost," because I've only completed two out of three initiation rituals. I've bought naranjas by the freeway and I've gotten into my first road rage situation by flipping off and screaming at a dumb bitch in a white Fiat for taking my parking space at Trader Joe's. But I've yet to complain about how cold it is when it's 75 degrees outside, so I'm not official. But anyway, even though I'm almost an official ho of Los Angeles, I still can't get into Halloween when I know that the NYC subways aren't open. One of my favorite things to do during Slutoween times is to ride the subway at the end of the night and watch drunk messes in smeared make-up eat a taco while trying to keep their slutty costume from exposing their nips to everyone. That's Halloween to me. So see you next year, Halloween!
When the piece who you were married to for five whole seconds shows up at the same Lakers game as you, let him know all the wonderful goodness his CDC enemy #1 dick is missing out on by miming a hot, sloppy hand job (or maybe she's a miming a hot, sloppy beej, which explains why her mouth isn't opened that wide). Katy Perry should've really made this totally realistic by wearing the same safety goggles she wore every time she got down to get Russell off. A trick has to protect her eyes from falling crabs.
Katy and her really hot dad, who is always serving up some Uncle Fester as a biker bartender realness, went to the Lakers vs. Mavericks game at the Staples Center in L.A. and sat near her ex-husband Russell Brand who was there with two boys. Katy proved to Russell that she's happy by acting really, really, really happy. Bitch put on a real "SEE! I'm happier without you because I'm laughing REALLY hard" show. If John Mayer was there with her, all the black people would have to get up and leave, because she would've really shown Russell that she's moved on by canoodling with John's David Duke Dick out in the open. I wish John Mayer was there. A piece of human tampon lint (who's always dressed like the douche bag character in an Archie comic) getting into a slap fight with a human Fem-V pantyliner (who's always dressed like a Thunderdome go-go dancer) would've made for the perfect Halloween time show.