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I know, I should double slap myself in the face for asking a question that even hos not named Al Pacino clearly knows the answer to. But RiRi tried. RiRi said at the Grammys last week that she recently decided to follow the "If Elvira Hancock wouldn't wear it, neither am I" rules of glamour and she made that shit perfectly clear at Stella McCartney's shown London last night. Look at RiRi sexy posing hard like she's in the line-up at a Bangkok whore house and she's one beej away from meeting her quota for the month.

While I appreciate that RiRi is giving me "if Tina Turner was in Scarface" vibes, I just can't with her trying to recreate the trophy piece perfection of Michelle Pfeiffer. I mean, I'd like to see RiRi try to bust out "sedated chicken airing out its pits" moves in that dress:

RiRi needs to leave dressing like a 1980s expensive Miami coke whore to the professionals.

Damn Maya Rudolph for not bringing out her Nippy impersonation last night. That was one of the only reasons why I kept my eyelids propped up and didn't allow myself to fall into a red wine/fried pancakes induced coma at the foot of my bed last night. Maybe Maya thought it was sort of kind of disrespectful to do Whitney on the same day as the funeral, but she could've at least let out a "hussy" or two as Cousin Dionne. Oh well, but Maya did do Beyonce on SNL last night and Justin Timberlake (who should really quit movies for good and join the SNL cast full-time) did his best Bon Iver. Strangely enough, Justin's Bon Iver impression is also a spot-on impression of my old high school world history teacher who decorated the back seat of his Tercel with stuffed animals and ate toothpaste instead of chewing gum because it's cheaper.

In other SNL news, in two weeks, a freckled train full of drunk fuckery will crash into 30 Rock when Lindsay Lohan hosts on March 3rd. Don't ask me what LiLo is even promoting. The sea jasper industry? A new super strain of herp? Collagen? Bitch's performances in the court room aside, LiLo hasn't acted in like years and now she's doing live TV for 90 minutes? It's either going to be a mess or a MEGA mess. But you know, LiLo was kind of funny the last time she did SNL, so maybe she can do it again? Or maybe this is a cross over episode between SNL and Intervention and it's Lorne Michaels way of luring her ass into the arms of Candy Finnigan. Let's hope.

Dame Judi Dench tells The Mirror that she's been diagnosed with macular degeneration, a condition that can cause blindness, and is trying to keep her sight. Before she was diagnosed, Judi's eyesight was already starting to go and she needed help reading scripts. It's gotten much worse. Judi's daughter has to read her scripts and she can barely see faces right in front of her. This might be okay if most of the faces in front of her belonged to a Kardashian, but that's not the case for Judi and so day-to-day life has gotten a little harder. Dame Judi explained it like this to The Mirror during an interview:

“I’ve got what my ma had, macular degeneration, which you get when you get old. I had wet in one eye and dry in the other and they had to do these injections and I think it’s arrested it. I hope so.

I can’t see your face at all now, but I can see your outline. I can see over there [she indicates the far side of the room, some 15ft away]. The most distressing thing is in a restaurant in the evening I can’t see the person I’m having dinner with. Actually, what I miss are people corpsing on stage.

I know there might be something going on but sometimes I can’t see it and that infuriates me as I think I’m really missing out on something.”

You get used to it. I’ve got lenses and glasses and things and very bright light helps. I can do a crossword if it’s bright sunshine but if a cloud comes out the next minute I can’t see anything.”

Judi misses reading books, but she's going to buy a digital book reader to make the words bigger. Judi also waves away any talk of her retiring and she plans to keep acting for as long as possible.

NOT DAME JUDI! You know, but with or without her eyesight, Dame Judi can still out act most of the young hos out there. Can't somebody donate their eyeballs to Dame Judi? That sentence was mostly directed at White Oprah, because it's not like she ever uses hers to look in the mirror or to see how much she's fucked up her daughters. WELL, it's Dame Judi we're talking about. She's an international treasure.

Thammy Gretchen, model, singer, lesbian porn star and the daughter of Brazilian superstar Queen Bottom Gretchen.

Any trick who gives you an instant lisp when you say her first name is automatically miles ahead from all of us in the Hot Slut game. But Thammy took her hotness a whole new level in 2006 when she freed the butch bitch inside of her by chopping all of her hair off, retiring her heels for good and declaring that she's a labia-loving lesbian. The SamRo of Brazil was born! Since then, Thammy has been scissoring her way through hot piece after hot piece on and off camera. Thammy made her then girlfriend Janaina Cinci the luckiest ho in every universe when she married her in the Brazilian wedding of the century in 2010. I don't know if Thammy and Janiana are still together, but Janiana would be a supreme dumb bitch if she ever stopped wrapping her legs around Thammy's neck.

Seriously, Thammy looks like she can eat you until your coochie started queefing in tongues and lady jizz started squirting out of your nipples holes. When she's done she'll leave you stumbling around looking for your head since it will feel like you orgasmed it off into another dimension. Thammy can also do this:

If one of Rojo Caliente's ovaries was fertilized with the saliva of Sporty Spice in the Jersey Shore hot tub right before somebody electrocuted the water by throwing in a computer with Hot Chicks with Douchags on its monitor, out would come Thammy Gretchen. I'm forever in love.

David Gandy (32)
Victoria Justice (19)
Jayde Nicole (26)
Haylie Duff (27)
Arielle Kebbel (27)
Beth Ditto (31)
Gideon Yago (34)
Sunset Thomas (40)
Benicio Del Toro (45)
Justine Bateman (46)
Seal (49)
Jessica Tuck (49)
Helen Fielding (54)
Ray Winstone (55)
Jeff Daniels (57)
Michael Nader (67)
Smokey Robinson (72)