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Giving locked up wise guys in prison a reason to buy government-made lube at the commissary, Renee Graziano of Mob Wives showed off her bikini body for the paps during a vacation in Hollywood, FL with her son. This is the same bikini body that almost put two giant black Xes over Renee's eyes. Bitch almost died for that succulent uncooked ham body.

During the first or second episode of the new season, Renee got her ass lifted and while she was in the recovery room, she sat straight up really fast, splitting the stitches in her back. This ho's back split open and she was in the hospital for weeks. I know, for being built like a cement truck, Renee is so delicate. Big Ang splits her fat slug lips daily when she eats a pygmy goat whole and she just fixes her shit up with Gorilla Glue and a nail gun.

I'm going to keep my thoughts about this Tasmanian Devil's Renee's bikini body to myself, because this bitch could easily shove me down a garbage disposal or knock my teefs into my froat just by flinching at me. Believe it or not, shitting my own teeth out does not sound like a good time to me.

File this under: WWJZS? (What Would Jay-Z Say?)

STUNT QUEEN trolls Chris Brown and RiRi farted out not one, but two remixes they did together. Above is the Birthday Cake (Remix) and Chris goes on about how he misses fucking on RiRi. Excuse me while I try to cleanse my skin with my own barf. If RiRi wants to fuck on that twathole again, then fine, but why is she dragging us into it? More importantly, why is she dragging delicious cake into it? It's like someone put a delicious Cookie Puss in front of me and then RiRi and Chris Brown came along to shit right on top of it. Fuck these two stupid bitches. THEY RUINED CAKE!!!!

Click here if you can't hear the shit above. But if you can't hear the shit above, take it as a sign.

Next week's Star Magazine headline: Selena Kay Letourneau leaves a heartbroken Justin Bieber for a younger man! - Lainey Gossip

"Finally, someone has perfectly captured my natural elegance and the way that my blond hair looked like a Harpo Marx wig from the penny store." - Marilyn Monroe up in heaven - The Superficial

And on last night's Celebrity Apprentice, George Takei had a wet dream vision of running his tongue all over The Hulk's bountiful chest mountains - Towleroad

Butt cleavage: Bar Refaeli has it - Hollywood Tuna

Love never dies, but a piece of my soul did when I actually blew up that picture to get a better look at Miley Cyrus' new Emo tattoo - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I'm no body language expert, but this picture clearly shows that Danny DeVito would rather be closer to Zac Efron's nipples than Taylor Swift's. Danny knows what's good. - The Berry

Bitch Got The Beat Down: The Monaco Royalty Edition - Celebitchy

This picture of a topless Chace Crawford looks straight out of a Cool Water ad from the early 90s - Just Jared

Viola Davis suffocates her chichis at the NAACP Awards - ICYDK

Ceiling Eyes becomes Side Eyes for a quick second - Popoholic

Gis and her Tommy are at the beach - Popsugar

Asian nalgas alert! - (NSFWish) OMG Blog

Where is Mickey Mouse with a taser gun when you really need him? - The Daily What

...THE HELL? Is Johnny Depp's daughter getting fashion tips from Miley Cyrus? - Hollywood Rag

...And then it broke - Cityrag

Before Nicki Minaj let the team at Mattel give her a new face - Crunk + Disorderly

There's nothing like front flipping right into a dog's humping crotch - Videogum

By the looks of Minnie Driver's son, I'm pretty sure his daddy is Andy Richter - I'm Not Obsessed

(Image via Fame)

Here's Latina legend in her own ass, JLo, having a "Don't cry for me Rio de Janeiro" moment with her imaginary subjects at the Carnival parade in Brazil last night. If the camera pulled back, you'd see thousands of people RUNNING FOR THEIR LIVES from that balcony, because they know that nothing is strong enough to hold up JLo's 6,000 ton ego. That balcony is now going down in history as a man made wonder, because it actually didn't collapse from the weight of JLo's love for JLo. It's a good thing that didn't happen, because that would've ruined Casper's first Carnival and JLo wouldn't have any good pictures to put in his baby book.

You know, I don't know what this says about me (don't answer that), but every time I see a new picture of Casper, I notice a new gift from his sugar mamita. I see that fancy gold watch, Casper. Casper is seriously collecting a toy chest full of treasures that he'll eventually have to pawn off when JLo dumps him for a younger baby in the sea. In the meantime, #getmoneybaby

If you're in Central or Eastern England today and just got hit with a falling Chris Brown, Kunty Karl, GOOPy Paltrow or Heather Mills, then you only have yourself to blame. This dude from BBC weather warned you. But then again, he could be talking about the other kind cunt. That would explain why ultra man slut Gerard Butler is standing out in a field in Eastern England with his mouth wide open to the sky...just in case.

via Jezebel

Yes, that pun was intended. 24 years ago today, the secret child of The Brain traveled in a pod from her home planet to earth where Barbadians found her on their shores and raised her as their own. Most of celebrate this special day by not giving a fuck, but Chris Brown celebrated it by Twatting a barfday message to RiRi, which she re-Tweeted to all of her followers. What does it all mean?????

Does it mean that RiRi really is sitting on Chris Brown's No. 2 pencil dick again and wants all of us to know it?

Does it mean that RiRi is friends with Chris Brown even though he's still a spoiled piece of beaver shit that not even a maggot would eat?

Does it mean that RiRi is conceited as all hell, because Chris Brown was really giving a birthday greeting to Nippy's former partner in pussy Robyn Crawford and she thinks she's the only Robyn on earth?

Does it mean that RiRi and Chris Brown are shameless spotlight fuckers and are simply promoting the stupid song they supposedly did together?

If it's the first one, I just have to say: Whatever, RiRi. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. But then again, my heart wants me to sit on a Grey Goose bottle before doing a handstand until vodka seeps out of the pores on my head, but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it. Again.

Here's the Terrible Twat of Tappahannock looking like a brain dead, mouth-breathing Tyrannodouchebag Rex in Miami over the weekend. The hos on the beach probably weren't sure if the rank stench was coming from his open mouth or his hanging out ass. I will never forgive those seagulls for not shitting on his beaver teeth while they had the chance.

On last night's Khloe & Lamar, Khloe Kong tried to spice up their sex life (aka spice up her boring shit show) by turning her brother's old room into a Sasquatch mating cave complete with a sex swing hanging over the bed. Khloe lured her husband Lamar Odom onto the swing by secreting musky aphrodisiacal fumes (smells like boiled boar meat, tears from a human man, cow piss and wet tree bark) from her gulch. Anybody who has ever seen a Yeti and a Wookie bump fuck parts on a hammock knows what happened next. The chains broke, the ceiling caved in and the sheer force created a suction tunnel that pulled down pieces of the sky. There's a hole in heaven now, because Khloe & Lamar tried to hump on a swing!

Khloe learned the hard way that the next time she wants to screw Lamar in a swing, she should hire those people who pulled that injured elephant onto a truck. Also, there's some motorboating action between Khloe & Lamar at the end of this mess, so you might want to hold onto your eyeballs so they don't heave right out of their sockets.

via Buzzfeed

Above is a picture that is supposed to be the whoring whores of ungodly trash from Westboro Baptist Church picketing Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday. The picture was Tweeted by master whore of propaganda Margie Phelps. Below is an untouched picture from Whitney Houston's funeral in New Jersey on Saturday without the shit stains from Westboro Photoshopped onto it.

Westboro declared that they were going to come to NJ to picket Whitney's funeral, but those cowardly whore beasts never showed up and tried to make everyone believe that pieces of shit from their "church" were there by rubbing a clean picture on Photoshop's dirty asshole. NJ.com confirms that there was restricted access in front of the church where Whitney's funeral took place and no protesters showed up. HAHAHAHA @ those stupid bitches.

This is why I try not to feed those attention whoring hyenas from hell. They always say that they're going to picket someone's funeral and they don't show up since making signs at Kinko's drained their piggy banks and they can't afford to buy a bus ticket. But this might be the first time that those stuntin' trolls faked a protest by Photoshopping themselves into a picture.

Doesn't Margie Phelp's lying ass know that above everything GOD HATES PHOTOSHOP!!!!!!

The starving orphans of the world sent their rations to Posh Beckham last week after she showed up to NYC Fashion Week looking like she was raised by White Oprah. Bitch makes a praying mantis look like a heffa mantis and even Macaulay Culkin is passing Posh a jumbo can of Dinty Moore. But Posh says that every bitch getting hot over her appearance needs to fuck an ice cube, because she's perfectly fine. Posh just has a lot on her plate and none of it is food. At some party for London Fashion Week, Posh told The Mirror that you can stop throwing hamburger patties at her now, because she's just suffering from a serious case of the tireds.

“Look, if people want to say I’m miserable then so be it. I’m really not. I have a lot on my plate. I’m not going to lie about it, I’m tired. I’m really tired but I’m also very happy with my life.

I’m basically just like any woman who’s working and has lots of children – it’s tough. I’m not getting much sleep at all. Harper’s not sleeping that great, and I’ve been taking Skype business calls throughout the night too because of the collections. I’m up with the baby as all mums are and I wouldn’t have it any other way. There’s not a team of people doing it for me. And then people want to say I look crap. Well, I’m a working mum, so give me a break.

It’s actually been crazy. I had Harper, I was working on the collection and I was straight back into it. I took a lot on board. I’m tired. You can’t look your best all the time.

The thing is I get the game I’m in. People can read the shit about me and believe what they want and I get it. But I don’t want to focus on that side of things. The glass is always half full for me. You can’t get hung up on what other people say. I surround myself with the people that matter. And ­everything else can just go away.”

The glass is always half full? Please. Posh's glass is always full since she never sips from it just in case a bitch sneakily squeezes some lemon juice in there to give her malnourished carcass some damn calories. No, I shouldn't say that. It's really hard out there for a Posh. Posh has to snap at her team of nannies to up Harper's Pilates workout to twice a day so the baby fat melts away faster. Posh has to snap at her team of fashion designers to only make her dresses in negative sizes. (Size 2 is a PLUS SIZE and Posh's fashion collection is strictly a NO FATTIES zone.) Posh has to do all of that while maintaining a miserable parched look on her face. It's exhausting! If you had to do all of that, you too would look like a schoolgirl alien zombie who just nibbled all the way through a Kardashian's head and didn't find even one piece of brain. Tiring!

If you've got an F next to "sex" on your drivers license, then you're going to want to read all of this right after you shred that drivers license since you shouldn't be driving, WOMAN! You should be sitting in the backseat crocheting a crown for your king husband while he drives. You also shouldn't be reading this unless you're reading this from your kitchen while making your king husband a meatloaf from scratch. Get in the kitchen, WOMAN!

On the season premiere of Ten Million Kids And We All Stopped Counting, human popcorn machine Michelle Duggar speaks at a conference and shares her tips on how to be a good Christian wife. Michelle handed the wives a worksheet titled "Seven Basic Needs Of A Husband" and it should really be titled "How To Be The Celie To Your Husband's Mistah." Michelle writes that a husband needs to feel like the Head Bitch in Charge and you can make him feel that way by depending on him financially and by always keeping your hair sexy and fresh. So far, no complaints from me! If I was a wife, I'd want to spend my morning asking my husband for money for the beauty salon and I'd want to spend my afternoon AT the beauty salon. Faith Goes Pop linked to the full worksheet, but here's some of the highlights:

1. A husband needs a wife who respects him as a man.

How does a wife destroy her husband’s manliness?

A. By expecting him to know what protection you need
1. Physical
2. Spiritual
3. Mental
4. Emotional
Tell your husband how he can protect you.

B. By being financially independent
1. Love is killed by self-sufficiency
2. Whoever controls the money controls the leadership.
Center your work and your ministry in your home.

C. By giving greater loyalty to outside leadership
1. Pastor and church leaders
2. Men and women Bible teachers
3. Relatives and friends
Ask your husband your spiritual questions.

D. By resisting his decisions in your spirit
1. A wife’s spirit controls her husband’s ambitions
2. Reviewing past failure destroys a husband’s self-worth.
Learn to wisely appeal to your husband

E. By resisting his physical affection
1. This is the unspoken crushing of a man’s spirit.
2. A wife’s Godliness is a powerful guard against her husband’s abuse of … [cuts off]

As The Frisky points out, Michelle links all of her advice to the bible in some way. Michelle also advises that you should ask your husband to define your household responsibilities and you should always be GORGEOUS on the outside for him. Seriously, Michelle gets into the hair thing and quotes someone named I, Corinthians (who I'm guessing looks like this). Michelle writes that God gave women hair for covering and your hairstyle should show that you're feminine, submissive and soft.

You can call Michelle Duggar a backwards pilgrim bitch all you want, but she's on to something especially about the hair cape thing. If your hair looks like a majestic fall of golden strands cascading over your forehead, your husband will be so hypnotized by its beauty, as he takes your vagina with his leadership dick, that he won't even notice when your tortured uterus grabs onto his peen head to makes its escape. Then when he pulls out and your uterus runs for the front door, he'll still be too mesmerized by your hair to realize that your 300 kids are trying to catch your womb before it gets away. To quote I, Camila Alves: Hair IS important!