Archives

24-year-old Christal Spann of Miami learned on Sunday night that the next time she wants to take a picture of Chris Brown with her iPhone, she should just take a picture of a torn off scab lying on the sidewalk instead. It's more pleasant to look at and it won't steal her iPhone.

NBCMiami says that the Miami-Dade State Attorney has opened up a file with Chris Brown's name on it after he stole Christal's iPhone when she tried to take his picture outside of Cameo in Miami. If this was anybody else, I would use the word "allegedly" somewhere in there, but this is Chris Brown I'm blogging about. The only time I'd use the word "allegedly" in a post about Chris Brown is if it was reported that he was "allegedly" not acting like a first degree douche.

Christal tells police that she was inside of Cameo on Sunday morning when she saw Chris Brown and Tyga leaving the club through a side door (pictures below). Christal and her friends followed Chris to his Bentley and she started taking pictures of him with her iPhone while he was sitting in the car. Being the charming and eloquent gentleman that he is, Chris Brown snatched Christal's phone away before screaming at her, “Bitch you ain’t going to put that on no website." Chris then rolled up his window and drove away without giving Christal her phone back. The State Attorney's office will issue a warrant for Chris Brown's arrest any minute now.

TMZ says that the L.A. County Probation Office is also looking at this case, because he's still on probation for beating RiRi. If the Probation Office has reason to believe that Chris did steal Christal's phone, the D.A. could snatch away his probation and throw his shit in jail.

Yeah, Christal's iPhone is now tainted, but it could've been much worse. Like "swole eye" kind of worse. We all know what happened the last time a girl did something with a cell phone that Chris Brown didn't like.

Katy Perry looks like Curly Sue on meth, so what I'm saying is that she's never looked hotter! - ICYDK

Taylor Kitsch smickers (half smirk, half pucker) his way through the red carpet - Lainey Gossip

Stephen Dorff is a proud graduate of Mel Gibson's School Of Courting - The Superficial

Your TV screens will soon be graced with some man-on-man lovin' provided by Superman and Justin Bartha (not together) - Towleroad

The time Tommy Girl had a cunt midget meltdown over a pap photographing him without his high heels on - Celebitchy

Another day, another trick Marilyn Monroe-ing herself for a magazine - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

I'm convinced that in Jennifer Love Hewitt's closet is nothing but Herve Leger with a sewing machine - Hollywood Tuna

Amanda Seyfried's hair could easily win Best Cocker Spaniel at Westminster - Popoholic

If Beyonce really wants to lose 40 pounds in 5 seconds, she should just take her lace front off - The Berry

Josh Brolin's nipples, because why not? - Popsugar

Why is Star Magazine saying that picture of you on Saturday night is Drunktina? - Hollywood Rag

But did St. Angie write the foreword for Billy Bob's new book in her own blood? - Just Jared

I'm sure Kanye sprays this on his caca logs - OMG Blog

The only solution I see to Kate Gosselin's love problem is for her to lez out with OctoMom - I'm Not Obsessed

Are you there God? It's me shitting into a bridal shop sink - Videogum

Prince William isn't the only one shedding hair at Clarence House anymore. Here's Duchess Catherine taking her new dog friend Lupo out for a walk around Kensington Gardens a couple of days ago. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to take a long walk to the Kardashians' dumpster to scrape enough black animal fur from their waxing strips to make a Lupo costume. Then I'm going to stop by Rite-Aid to get a tube of red lipstick to complete the "dog in heat" look if you know what I mean. Then I'll doggy paddle to England for a hump date with Prince Hot Ginge's knee! It's a fool-proof plan and there's no way the royal guards will beat me with stale crumpets after my fake British bark gives away that I'm a Lupo impostor. It will totally work. I've seen them do it in cartoons and shit.

This A-List actor shed his substance abuse problems to become a Hollywood role model for clean living, but now it seems he has a new addiction—cross-dressing! He loves to doll himself up in vintage women’s clothing and has spent more than $10,000 on items such as high heels, dresses, fancy hair accessories and hats. The goods are ordered online (using an alias) and delivered to his manager’s house. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

I just got the vapors from picturing Robert Downey Jr. leaning against the doorway of his boudoir while wearing pink lace panties, white satin heals, a Raquel Welch wig, and a marabou feather robe. If that image is not bringing you to your knees, then picture RDJ's butt stubble peaking out of those pink lace chonies. I know, right? You just sashayed away to the nearest CVS to buy smelling salts.

This Oscar-winning ladies’ man has taken his obsessive and out-of-control sex life to new levels. The heterosexual comedian/actor/singer is so insatiable that he’s started turning tricks with men! Who is the newly bisexual star? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

The only dude comedians who have won Oscars are Red Buttons, Robin Williams, George Burns and Jamie Foxx. Red Buttons and George Buttons are up in heaven, so they're out. Even though I'd need to take a FURminator to my tongue after licking on Robin Williams' fur body, I so would. But it's not him since he's not a singer. That leaves my only guess, Jamie Foxx?

I don't think Jamie Foxx is hard up for cash, so he's doing this solely for the thrill of being a paid whore? This mess isn't true, but if it is, Jamie Foxx is my fourth favorite ass peddler after Angel, Kit de Luca and Kristin Davis. But for real, this blind item is probably just marketing for Shame on DVD.

This once upon a time almost B+ list female singer is now more famous for being famous. Hey, at least it keeps her wealthy. She is also known for being a devout member of this church. She recently left it though after she suffered a nervous breakdown and went on an alcohol binge that would make Arthur proud. She went to rehab and while in rehab began seeing a psychiatrist. Uh oh. She also left her church which is never a good thing. However, if you are wealthier it is easier to avoid them. They knock at her door everyday and dig through her trash, but she just hires more and more security to keep them all away and stays locked inside her house. It is a stand off. Oh, the tales she will be able to tell. But what about her kids? Her other relatives who are also in the church? (CDAN)

You in danger, Lisa Marie Presley.

This celebrity feud has another round coming up in the next couple of weeks! In the competition for Oscar party guests, this Diva has scored a small early victory over her Rival.

The Diva sent out a super-early invitation to this very popular Singer and secured her commitment to attend her pre-Oscar party. Diva then instructed several of her other guests to do everything possible to keep the singer at Diva’s party all night. The plan includes bribing the Singer’s driver to feign an engine problem once they have arrived at the Diva’s party. Diva wants to prevent the Singer from attending the party of the Rival, scoring points for the Diva’s popularity… and very effectively ruffling the feathers off the Rival, whose anticipation of the arrival of the Singer all night will end in bitter disappointment. (Blind Gossip)

Diva Bitch Queen: Madge?
Diva Bitch Queen's arch rival: Elton John?
The pawn in Diva Bitch Queen's plan: Lady CaCa?

Lindsay Lohan celebrated getting an air kiss from Judge Stephanie in court yesterday by doing what she does best: partying her nostrils off. (Don't worry, she keeps a glue stick in her purse so she can easily slap them back on her face.) While looking like a Playboy Playmate of 1976 turned Real Housewife of The Staten Island Expressway, LiLo strut her baboon labia lips into a pre-Oscar party as White Oprah stumbled in behind her.

LiLo is supposed to scoot a skid mark across Elizabeth Taylor's image by playing her in that Lifetime shit, but you wouldn't know it by that hair. That hair color (in shade: meth-stained teeth) tells me that she shouldn't be playing Elizabeth Taylor. Bitch should be playing current day Joyce McKinney! Just throw a cloned puppy at LiLo and yell, "ACTION!"

And I don't know if White Oprah did antifreeze shots in the car or if her face is so used to being drunk that it just naturally looks like that even when she's sober. HA at me thinking she's ever sober.

Sacha Baron Cohen is probably browsing Big & Tall's Black Label Collection today, because he'll have to find some new shit to wear to the Oscars on Sunday since the show's producers have banned him from dressing up as his character from his new movie The Dictator. The Academy told Sacha that his ass is more than welcome at the Oscars, but he'll have to leave his Kid 'n Play chin wig at home. Deadline says those prim and proper hos of the Academy aren't taking any chances, though, and have temporarily sat on Sacha's tickets and won't give them to him until he promises to not bring the promo fuckery to their red carpet. One of the mouths for the Oscars said this to CNN about Sacha's stunt:

“We would love to have Sacha Baron Cohen at the Oscar show. We have expressed [to Cohen] that we don’t like our red carpet to be used as a promotional stunt. We’re waiting to hear from him. We’ve put the ball in his court.”

Oh yes, because the Oscars red carpet is sacred ground where nobody, I mean nobody, promotes anything. We never hear the words: "My dress is by Chanel, my earrings are Cartier, my bag is Judith Leiber, my tampon is Fendi and the platinum stick up my ass is Bvlgari." We never hear that! I don't know why those Oscar bitches care about Sacha Baron Cohen showing up in character when they obviously have no problem with Ryan Seacrest showing up as a straight journalist every year.

Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn't expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.

In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her "career," sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: "I had to leave my condo to come to this?!" If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!

I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.

UPDATE: Wonky's black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.

via Idolator

We're friends and I care about what happens to your ears, so I'm going to warn you that the clip above (via ONTD) has been smeared with the musical hemorrhoid pried off of the anus hole of music LMFAO. "I'm Sex And I Know It" is the mangled conjoined twin of Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" who has a chronic slobber problem, was kicked out of the 6th grade for exposing itself during Show & Tell and is most likely on the National Sex Offender Registry. That song is such creepy trash. It's like the men's half-shirt of music. My advice is to exorcise your right to use the mute button. Better yet, just watch the clip above while tickling your ear drums with the only "sexy" song that matters:

So at The Lorax premiere on Sunday afternoon, the sparkliest Twinkie in the box, Zac Efron, sashayed down the orange carpet and accidentally dropped a gold condom wrapper and then clutched his anal beads by mouthing "OH MY GAW" to his publicist. Twink, please. You know Debbie Allen choreographed that whole stunt and they spent 6 weeks rehearsing it. They even took it for an out-of-town tryout. That's how staged that shit was.

Like Zac really has time to fuck. Zac's days are already filled with searching for the perfect cum gel for his luscious locks and admiring his beauty in his Revlon Hollywood Mirror. They also laid it on too thick with the gold condom. Fairy man princesses don't have Magnum-sized peens. Unless, Zac is using that condom as an anal liner, which is entirely possible.

Besides, if Zac is screwing on anybody at The Lorax premiere, it's The Lorax itself and we all know that trick is a bareback slut.

Bugs should have made that left turn at Albuquerque. - Djbeer

Runners-up:

Bugs doesn't have to ask what's up. Sadly, he knows. - Deb

Taylor Swift is so sweet and adorable that even her menses can form into a liquid human hug machine. - GingeMinge

Khloe's 634th attempt to spice things up in the bedroom. - ZombiePanda

via Break.com

Nina Acosta, the 51-year-old retired LAPD officer and married (TO A MAN!) mother of more than one kid from Survivor: One World.

There's almost zero spoilers in this post and I won't tell you who was banished to a slave camp to make Jeff Probst's precious sea glass necklaces, but I had to pay homage to the sun-damaged perfection that is Nina. Nina has the grace of Sue Hawk, the natural charm of Shambo and the quiet sexiness of Mad Dog. Nina is the kind of woman you just want to watch pump gas into a tanker truck. Nina is the kind of woman who uses Ajax as an exfoliant and boric acid as a moisturizer. Nina is the kind of woman you want to take shopping for Dockers. Nina is the kind of woman who can easily assimilate into a pack of wild pit bulls. Nina is what Kate Gosselin wishes she looked like and she's going to spend most of her life staring into a plastic surgeon's scalpel to get it.

Nina is so damn powerful that I'm pretty sure she burned most of Chelsea's eyebrows off with her piping hot glare. The tribe has spoken: I LOVE NINA!

(Picture via Survivor Phoenix)