Put a nail on the vacant space above your toilet, because here's the perfect HIGH ART masterpiece that will make you heave and tingle at the same time. Unicorn Booty posted this stunning portrait created by an unknown computer artist genius of Rick Santorum's face made entirely of gay porn. It's a Rick Santporno! Rick Santorum's mug makes a lot of people yack, but if you get closer to this gorgeous portrait you'll have the sudden urge to fap.
Man nalgas and peens really bring out the beauty in Rick's face. Oh Rick, you really make all of us swoon when you've got dirt stars in your eyes. For the slightly NSFW full ass version, click here or here.
Hans Klok (43)
Miko Hughes (26)
Drew Barrymore (37)
James Blunt (38)
Lea Salonga (41)
Thomas Jane (43)
Clinton Kelly (43)
Jeri Ryan (44)
Rachel Dratch (46)
Kyle MacLachlan (53)
Ellen Greene (61)
Julie Walters (62)
Julius Erving (62)
Jonathan Demme (68)
Marni Nixon (82)
James Hong (83)
Don Pardo (94)
How do you say "escandalo" with a British accent? Escandaloooooooo? However you say it, there was a little bit of that at the BRIT Awards in London tonight after the crown jewel on England's tiara, Adele, was cut off for Blur and responded the way any refined lady would: by flipping a trick off. The Queen herself probably spit out the tobacco she was chewing and kicked her pumps off to whoop it up for Adele sticking a finger up to the man.
Just like she did at the Grammys, Adele won Album of the Year and was given exactly three seconds to thank everyone she needed to thank before she got cut the hell off for Blur's 11 minute-long performance. Adele quickly said that she'll see everyone next time before she scarred the innocent eyes of a million British children by doing this:
Adele told reporters afterward that she was throwing an erect "fuck you" at the suits and not her fans. Adele went on to explain, " I'm sorry if I offended anyone, it was the suits that offended me." The Sun says that before the show ended, Adele quit that bitch and "stormed" out of the arena. YAAASSS! Here I was thinking that Adele was this generation's Angela Lansbury and as sweet as a sugar cube dipped in honey, so I love it that she brought the diva tonight by sashaying out of there. But Adele should put some stank on that bird flip the next time she does it. That's the most charming "fuck you" I've ever seen. It was like watching an actual bird (that looks like this) flip. I kind of went "awww" inside when she did it.
TMZ posted a picture today of Drew Barrymore and her fiancé Will Kopelman leaving a doctor's office in Beverly Hills last week and she's got a fresh out of the machine ultrasound scan in her hand. TMZ thinks that because Drew is an engaged woman she's no longer reaching for the rubber baby batter-blockers in the drawer of her nightstand, which means that her uterus has a NO VACANCY sign hanging over it. Makes sense to me. It also works for me, because I think Drew would be a good mom. I mean, a lot of moms I know talk to their babies in that weird lispy baby voice and Drew naturally talks in a weird lispy baby voice, so she's already one step ahead.
But let's examine that picture since we've got nothing else to do. Lift up your Detective La Toya-approved, I meant Detective Nancy Grace-approved magnifying glass and look at the picture at TMZ for a quick second. Here's a few things I noticed:
1. The lolly. Is it one of those Preggy Pops (I can't with that name) or do they usually give you lollipops after a sonogram? A doctor hasn't given me a lolly since I was a kid. No, that's not true. I got a lollipop the last time I had an HIV test, which sort of freaked me out. But everything freaks me out when I get an HIV test. The lab person could scratch her eyebrow while taking my blood and I'll automatically think: "OHMYGAWD. I have it. She can see it in my blood!" They probably gave me a lollipop, because I told them how many sexual partners I've had and they figured a lolly would distract my mouth from sucking on other things.
2. The Styrofoam cup. The Styrofoam cup really doesn't mean anything, but it does remind me of the cups from El Pollo Loco, which reminds me of this delicious drink they had (or still have) called Orange Bang. Orange Bang was like the saliva of a golden unicorn. I was addicted to getting Orange Banged. You could refill your cup with Orange Bang at the soda fountain yourself, so I went crazy. My mouth practically lived on the Orange Bang spigot. Then one day, one of the workers said to me, "No more Orange Bang for you!" To this day, that's still the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.
3. The sonogram scan. That doesn't look like a fetus to me. That looks like a fish.
So what we've learned is that Drew likes red lollipops and is knocked up with a shark fetus. Oh, and we also learned that I really need to get Orange Banged again. Case closed.
Beyonce to herself: "I wonder if this sweet little Dutch boy next to me would like a job as Blue Ivy's fourth-string au pair?" Jay-Z to himself: "Oh fuck, B is going to try to hire that Brown Bunny chick who knobbed on Vincent Gallo." - Lainey Gossip
Somebody has to dress like an early 90s lot lizard trying to trade handjobs for Nirvana tickets and that somebody is RiRi - Hollywood Tuna
Megan Fox is in a bikini and Brian Austin Green is starting to slowly morph into the vato mechanic who used to fix my mom's Datsun - The Superficial
People who should've been in the Super Bowl halftime show instead of Madge: this Brazilian drag show - Towleroad
Is that a family of squirrels fighting under a blanket I see in CoCo's butt ultrasound? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
28 pictures that make my gutter brain think of Cumonmyglasses.com - The Berry
Jennifer Aniston's sacred chichis are only for Justin Theroux - Celebitchy
Florence Welch giving me "the ginger ghost of Peaches & Cream Barbie's past" at the Brit Awards - Just Jared
Bitch Got The Beat Down: The Teen Mom Edition - ICYDK
A SANS blow-out Bruno Mars - I'm Not Obsessed
My thoughts on Lea Michele and that one dude getting it on are best expressed through Chris Colfer's face - SOW
I really wish these were pictures of Kelly LeBrock instead of Kelly Brook - Popoholic
Ick. Nast. - Popsugar
My childhood will finally die a slow miserable death if there's a scene where Pee-wee does Chairy between her seat cushions - The Daily What
But more importantly, how did Steve-O make it past Italy's customs checkpoint? - Hollywood Rag
RiRi in uniform - Cityrag
Does Spike Lee have an alibi? - Crunk + Disorderly
Let's Cookie Time like it was the first time! - Videogum
Lindsay Lohan, James Franco, Mayor Giuliani, the iguana porn goddess, Blake Lively, Michelle Williams, Katharine McPhee and every other trick who tried to impersonate Marilyn Monroe just got their blonde wigs snatched from their heads by the glamzilla from Staten Island Big Ang. The most beautiful (wo)man on Mob Wives tucked it, sucked it and puckered it as Marilyn Monroe on the cover of Next Magazine. Marilyn Monroe has finally stopped turning in her grave and has blown an air kiss at Big Ang for finally capturing her subtle sexiness and beauty.
I regularly pray that my inbox will one day be graced with a picture of Anderson Cooper, Cox and a huge load of white stuff, but this isn't what my loins had in mind. I'll still take it, because Mah Boo's giggle and OMG faces are like a Snuggie for my soul.
Just like 85% of this country, Courteney Cox has a not-so-strange addiction to drinking gallons upon gallons of ranch dressing and she can't start her day without hooking her arm vein up to an IV drip full of ranch. Courteney's idea of heaven is frolicking through the Hidden Valley Ranch. Since Anderson is a serious journalist and his talk show brings us nothing but highly important hard-hitting stories, he brought out a bowl full of America's nectar and asked Courteney to guzzle it down. Here's a preview of the episode that airs today:
I am disgusted with that clip, because ranch dressing and mayo are enemies and I can't live without the latter. I wish they made mayo-flavored lube. I am also disgusted with that clip, because again, this is not the moment between a Cox and a Mah Boo I want to see. I was so disgusted with all of this that I almost forget to mention that Courteney really needs to back away from the Botox needle before her face looks exactly like that of a Good Luck Cat.
98% of JWoww was made in a plastic factory in China somewhere, but she's still a proud American and what do proud Americans do on Geena Davis Day (she's the only President I care enough about to honor)? They write a list of all the President's they'd like to fuck, of course. Truth is, I'm twisting my taint for not coming up with this first.
The First Lady of the Back Alley Plastic Surgeon Office got patriotic on her blog yesterday and listed all the Presidents she's wet smush on a moist mattress in the shore house. This list should really be the new Pledge of Allegiance:
Ulysses S. Grant
I heard he was an alchoholic. Sounds like he liked to party! He kinda looks like that actor Kevin Kline, right? LOL.
Who knew the dude on the $5 bill wasn't always so hairy. I bet the ladies loved him back in the day.
He might be old and gray but he was famous for not being able to keep it in his pants and a guy with a healthy sexual appetite is always sexy in my book.
Who knew that the guy on the coin you use to get your laundry done was a bit of a looker. He can join me for some GTL anytime he wants!
George W. Bush
We all know this guy liked to party Jersey style and that makes him A-OK in my book.
Movie star turned P.I.L.F!
Yes we can!
John F. Kennedy
Too much of a ladies man in his day, but he liked a lady with curves and I am down with that.
Isn't that list so beautiful that it's got you singing, "Aaaaand the whooooore of the braaaaaave."
The gin-soaked tattered sponge in JWoww's head nearly melted yesterday when she spent at least 11 hours trying to figure out how to spell "Wikipedia" and "President" so she could look up all these hos she'd like to spangle her star on, but she didn't need to go to all that trouble. Bitch's list would still be 100% correct if she simply wrote:
ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!
JWoww would pussy hump every single President (alive or dead) until red, white and blue liquid started spewing out of their peen holes. That is the American way. I swear, JWoww is so modest.
Billy Bush, the Teddy Ruxpin doll who was brought to life by The Blue Fairy, heard from one of his sources (read: WHITE OPRAH!!!) that professional fuck-up and star of TMZ's live court feeds, Lindsay Lohan, has landed the role of Elizabeth Taylor in Lifetime's biopic Elizabeth & Richard: A Love Story. There's a catch, though. Lifetime asked RuPaul to come to their offices and stand in front of LiLo while letting out those magic words: DON'T FUCK IT UP!
Access Hollywood says that Lifetime will give Blohan the role if she follows the rules of her probation and doesn't snort her way to more trouble. After sixty five million chances, LiLo is finally doing the shit she's supposed to do and if she continues to not fuck up, her probation will end in March. That Lifetime mess is supposed to start filming sometime after that.
Lifetime movies are the perfect thing to get into when you've got time, no friends and a whole Entenmann's devil's food cake, and those bitches are trying to mess this up by casting Blohan. They are only feeding her addiction to thinking she has a bond with classic movie stars. They're enabling her creepiest addiction of all. I'd rather see Lifetime movie queen Meredith Baxter-Burney as Elizabeth Taylor.
I don't really see this happening, though. Like LiLo is really going to show up on time. The only way she's going to show up when she's supposed to is if Lifetime builds all of their sets in the bathroom of Chateau Marmont. It's going blow ("Did somebody say blow?" - White Oprah) up somehow. The chances of Elizabeth Taylor's corpse playing Lindsay Lohan in a Lifetime movie are probably greater than LiLo playing La Liz.
There are two reasons for why carrying a greedy, selfish fetus-shaped bundle of slobber for 9 months is a good thing. The first reason is that you can eat a deep fried chocolate burrito with cake batter sauce out in the open without judgmental hos dropping the gavel on you with their eyes. The second reason is that you get special treatment almost everywhere you go. People will give you their seat on the subway, some parking lots have special spaces for knocked up hos and even paraplegics will roll off of their wheelchairs so the pregnant lady can sit. Jessica Simpson was thinking she'd get this kind of special treatment when she waddled up to a popular Mexican restaurant in Santa Barbara, CA recently.
Star Magazine (via Radar) says there's always a long ass line to get into La Super-Rica Taqueria and Jessica thought she didn't have to wait because: a) She's Heffica Simpson; and b) People would feel guilty listening to her ankle bones crack while she stood in line behind them. Jessica tried to cut in front of the line, but nobody was having it. The source put it like this:
"Apparently Jessica was too hungry to wait on the line like everyone else, so she tried to walk straight to the front in the hope that someone would take pity on her pregnant self. Unfortunately for Jess, the line went crazy and other hungry people started yelling at her. It was so embarrassing. Eventually, Jess was escorted to the back of the line. But she didn't want to wait. After all that, she just went to grab some Taco Bell around the corner."
Those people made the smartest decision of their lives! Think about it with your nose. Without a baby in her belly, Jessica's farts melt contact lenses and will take two of your senses to dark, dark places. The taste of Jessica's butt burps will never leave your tongue until you rinse with bleach and your nostrils will shrivel down to the size of an ant's peen slit. Your nostrils won't have the will to go on anymore. Add a baby and Mexican food, and you've got the ingredients for the most destructive weapon on this planet. If North Korea ever gets too bold, we just have to roll Jessica to their borders, turn her around and then hand her a tub of Pintos 'N Cheese. The next thing you'd see is millions of North Koreans waving white flags while singing Kumbaya.
The waiting diners at La Super-Rica Taqueria know what I'm talking about. They were not about to let Jessica turn their delicious plate of chilaquiles into a plate of shitaquiles. Nope.
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)