If Elmo's sucio ass didn't pay for that bus time handy from OctoMom then he better FedEx her a cashiers check ASAP, because ho needs money now more than ever. I don't know how they did it, but TMZ somehow got a hold of (cut to OctoGranny with an oh-so-guilty "It wuzzint me!" look on her face) a picture of an EBT card with OctoMom's government name on it.
TMZ points out that Octo swore on her fame-making uterus in the past that she'd never open her hands to government assistance, but with 14 hungry eating holes to fill and her offers drying up faster than her relevancy, she had to raise the Help A Bitch Out flag. Octo makes less than $119,000 a year and has 15 mouths to feed, so she qualifies for a $2000 monthly food only allowance from the State of California. TMZ source's say that Octo is also trying to cut her monthly expenses by pulling all but one child (who is autistic) from private school.
A bitch can argue that Octo did this to herself, but those 10 thousand million chirruns didn't do this to themselves and they gotta eat. Damn. If crazy was a protein, they could nibble on the crazy their mom gives off, but it ain't. I'm assuming Octo has some kind of other income falling into her wallet, because I don't know how $2,000 can feed a family of 15 for a whole month. That's like one shopping trip to Whole Foods. Those kids are gonna have to go on the college diet (Top Ramen, popcorn and Boone's Farm).
Octo needs to enroll in reality show boot camp. Bitch needs to spend time with the Extreme Couponers to learn how to buy $1,000 worth of groceries for six pennies. Then she needs to spend time with the Duggars to learn how to make laundry soap out of baby saliva. And finally, she needs to spend a lot time with Ma from Ma's Roadhouse, but only because I want to see Ma smack Octo with some nicotine-stained truth.
And I officially HATE myself for playing this song in my head as soon as I read about Octo's welfare woes:
Sometimes I just want to log out of my own brain. (I'm setting myself up for that one, I know.)
From the makers of that nightmare-inducing Cheetos blooming (and wilting) morphing video is this anti-crack, anti-delusion, anti-White Oprah, anti-Restylane and anti-self tanner PSA where Lindsay Lohan's face goes from 0 to 60-years-old in 1 minute. This shit is like watching a train conducted by White Oprah slowly careen off the tracks before taking out a dump truck carrying broken meth pipes and crashing directly into an old dentures dispensary. This mess is creepy, it's fascinating and it's looking into a Faces of Meth kaleidoscope. They should really play this video in front of every child actor and tell them this could be their face on fame. And now, I have to cleanse my eyeballs over a pot of boiling holy water.
By popular demand and 4 days late, I bring you the new pride of Alberta (sorry, Nickelback, you had a good run) Robert Wilkinson who has been sweetly serenading the Internet and beyond ever since the video of him doing a spot-on Freddie Mercury impersonation in the back of a police car went viral. (Note: Dlisted does not condone driving drunk as shit, which is what this Canadian Idol was busted for. If you're too drunk to drive, please use your iPhone or borrow someone else's to find a sober designated driving trick on Craigslist who will gladly and safely drive you to your destination in exchange for some road head and a ball tickle. That's how responsible drunk sluts do it.)
If you're like me, then you're probably a little sad that you didn't win Mega Millions (Fuck you, Kansas! Fuck you, Illinois! Fuck you, Maryland!) and your dream of buying CNN to turn it into ACNN (The Anderson Cooper Nekkid Network) is dead. But look on the bright side, if you won that shit, you wouldn't be in front of your computer right now watching this slow clap-worthy performance for the 500th time. You'd be at your office, writing your resignation letter on a roll of toilet paper with your dirty asshole. See, there's a silver lining to being a broke and unlucky.
And when you're outside today and a tear drop-shaped piece of silver glitter lands on your cheek, know that's from Freddie Mercury crying tears of joys from heaven because his legacy is living on (and them some) in Alberta, Canada.
“Physical violence is the least of my priorities.” - the Pride of Alberta
via Everywhere (Thanks to everyone who sent this in)
Christopher Walken (69)
Jessica Szohr (27)
Josh Saviano (36)
Ewan McGregor (41)
Samantha Brown (42)
Deborah Kara Unger (48)
Tony Cox (54)
Angus Young (57)
Al Gore (64)
Rhea Perlman (64)
Valerie Curtin (67)
Gabe Kaplan (67)
Richard Chamberlain (78)
Shirley Jones (78)
Scenes from Jerry Lee Lewis' 7th wedding: You know it's forever love when the bride looks exactly like the groom in drag - Hollywood Rag
This is one of those times when I really wish I was Micaela Schaefer's father, so that I could clutch at my chest while saying, "Ich bin so stolz." - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Ben Affleck is back to sucking on fags - Celebitchy
My vote for Nora in the The Thin Man remake goes to Johnny Depp in drag - Lainey Gossip
The Empress of Lucite does it better. Always. - The Superficial
Stacy Keibler B.C. (Before Clooney) - Hollywood Tuna
A gay hating, cane-wiedling, batshit crazy granny ain't the one - Towleroad
Somewhere, somehow, someone is Photoshopping a peen over that hot sauce bottle - The Berry
Watching the workers put up that background was probably more exciting than watching Ashley Greene pose in front of it - Popoholic
Poke at me when there's a Rhythm Syndicate reunion - The Daily What Gossip
Beyonce can keep that tacky crib, I'll take the delivery dudes - Crunk + Disorderly
Halle Berry really wants you to see her engagement ring - Popsugar
Elton John wants his EVERYTHING (even the wig) back - ICYDK
The CGI Calista Gingrich looks more lifelike than the real life Calista Gingrich - OMG Blog
Shampoo: Ben Affleck finally discovered it - Just Jared
Obi-Wan Catnobi - Cityrag
The universe got stoned one night and somehow decided that Robbie Williams should be a father - I'm Not Obsessed
When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn't straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It's because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson's pantry.
The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself "WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)" and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, “Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she’s been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It’s not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do.”
I'm pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I'd have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn't feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.
During a concert in Philadelphia the other night, Bruce Springsteen threw his 62-year-old ass into the crowd and touched the hands of the people before collapsing into one of the chairs. At around the 1:30 mark, one of Bruce's fans hands him a cup of the sweet nectar and he eventually empties it into his stomach bag. Like a boss, etc.... But you know, while watching this I hoped that the camera would pan to the fan who handed Bruce that cup and show us the face of Carrie from My Strange Addiction. Tip: Whenever somebody hands you a cup of something warm and golden, look to see if it's coming from Carrie so you know what your tongue is getting into.
Selling Quarter Pounders is the gateway drug to selling poundings for a quarter (or a little more) is what one former ho is claiming. Shelley Lynn has filed a lawsuit against McDonald's in federal court claiming that Ronald McDonald and his company of pussy merchants led her to selling her Filet O'Fish at the Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Shelley claims that if she never worked at McDonald's in 1982, she never would've met her future pimp/husband and she never would've taken up to 12 peens a night in a brothel. 12 peens in a night may sound like a dream to some of you sluts out there (it also sounds like the beginning of the recipe for pink slime), but it wasn't one for Shelley.
The NYDN says that Shelley's road to peddling poon started when Keith Handley hired her to work behind the counter at a McDonald's in Arroyo Grande, CA in 1982. Shelley claims in her lawsuit that a little while after she mixed business with pleasure by dating Keith, he convinced one of his managers to fire her for some shit she didn't do. That left Shelley vulnerable and hard up for money to pay her bills. Shelley says that Keith continued to wrap her around his finger by buying her a house in Las Vegas in 1986.
Keith then pressured Shelley to get a job as a legal hooker at the Chicken Ranch so she'd earn enough money to pay him back for the house. Shelley gave in to Keith and thanks to her 12 dicks a night average she qickly became one of the tops hos at the Chicken Ranch. Shelley eventually married Keith in 1988 but they later split.
Shelley, who also names her ex-husband's company in the lawsuit, is suing McDonald's for failing "to conduct a due diligence into the moral character of Handley when it sold franchises to him.” Shelley wants cash for lost wages, special damages, negligence punitive damages and for sex trafficking damages.
This bitch is BOLD as all hell and I'm lovin' it! Who ever connected the 5 Billion Served sign on her coochie to McDonald's is a genius. Sure, there's a few holes in her case, but I'm with her one hundred percent. Just look at Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald has a red fro, shoes from 6th Street, a creepy grin and a yellow-gloved pimp hand. Of course, he's in the coochie game. Poor Bridie is probably giving beak jobs in the back for a bag of McSeed.
I hope Shelley sues the white off of Ronald's face. And when she's done with that, can she please pass me her lawyer's business card. Because I worked for Disneyland one summer and there must be a way to blame them for me being a non-paid whore.
Your eyeballs can thank the blonde in the background for rolling her eyes so they don't have to. Give your eyeballs the day off, they deserve it.
Here's Xtina making sight balls do the wave while sitting courtside with her paid piece Matthew Rutever and Christina Milian at the Lakers game in L.A. last night. In all seriousness, Xtina usually looks like a Snooki and Hatchet Face drunk swirl, so besides the Count Chocula ass brows, the Hamburglar ass shirt, the Fritos Chili Cheese ass skin and the skid mark ass blush, she looks good! Did I miss anything?
Ron Burgundy as Ron Burgundy announced on Conan a couple of nights ago that you will see more of Anchorman in the near future. This is a DO WANT sequel. Well, Hollywood always knows how to take the pucker out of your asshole, because now they're giving us a DO NOT WANT sequel. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal is working on a sequel to 1988's Twins called Triplets (...ugh) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Eddie Murphy as their third brother. You can't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger Danny DeVito Eddie Murphy without A-P-R-I-L-P-H-O-O-L-S (yes, you can but just go with it). Unfortunately, this isn't a joke.
Ivan Rietman is the producer on Triplets and he's currently looking for a writer and director to bring this cinematic nightmare to life. Arnold, Danny and Eddie have all agreed to do this.
Arnold, Danny and Eddie each have enough money to build themselves 30,000 square foot mansions out of $100 bills, so they can't only be doing this for a check. Why are they doing this to us? Hollywood is splattering our eyes with this dirty diaper mess, but yet they haven't given us a sequel to Big Business called Bigger Business (starring Bette, Lily and Mo'Nique.) Or a sequel to Outrageous Fortune called Outrageouser Fortune? Triplets it not what I ordered! Take it back. I'd rather Alicia Silverstone bird-feed me January Jones' placenta than watch this mess.