Archives

Daisy Joelina, Slutty Brownie, Kenna Paves (never 4get) and Hunts Point Baloo (if she used the same baby name generator Ashlee Simpson used for Bronx Mowgli) were just some of the names I guessed when Jessica Simpson told Elle Magazine that she and Eric Johnson have already come up with a name for their unborn 4-year-old daughter. Jessica said that the name isn't going to make hos cross their eyes and it'll make sense to some. Well, InTouch Weekly claims they know the name and it makes sense, but it's also making me menstruate out an LOL.

“They tossed around a lot of names, including some wacky ones like Zinfandel, but couldn’t agree on anything,” a family friend confides.

“They’re going to call her Maxwell, Maxi for short,” the friend says. Maxwell is Eric’s middle name, and also his beloved grandma’s maiden name. “Jessica wanted a name with meaning.”

And not only has Jessica’s been seen wearing a necklace with a diamond “M” pendant in honor of her little bundle of joy, the couple also already ordered onesies monogrammed with the name! Jessica, 31, is now set to give birth on April 20, three weeks earlier than her original due date. “She’s gained so much weight and the baby is so big that doctors pushed up the date,” reveals her friend.

Jessica really had to fuck with a kid by giving her the nickname of Maxi! MAXI. Does anybody even use maxi pads anymore? Couldn't they have been a little more modern by naming their daughter Diva Cup Johnson or Kotex Johnson? They should just scribble down the name Maxi Pad on her birth certificate, because that's what everybody's going to call her. But let me think about this for a second.

Whenever I hear a baby name, I judge it by picturing the name in glitter on a poster hanging in the window of a gay bar on drag night. If the name lures me into the drag show, it's a winner. If the name leaves me cold and convinces me to eat frozen yogurt on the curb instead, shit is a dud. So, let me try it out:

*MAXI PAD JOHNSON*

Okay, I'd probably go in.

Tom Hardy is really excited about his overgrown face fro and I can't help but look at it and not see a row of Richard Simmons pube bushes - Just Jared

Ryan Gosling clones are taking over the earth. Lay down and give in to their Canadian hipster coolness - Lainey Gossip

And Russell Brand's outfit is a tribute to every crackhead gay hustler from the late 80s - The Superficial

Gerard Butler is still lying in the mud right next to the wagon wheel. Allegedly. - Celebitchy

Harpo, who deez women?! - Hollywood Tuna

Wheelchair Jimmy's pristine hairline in GQ - The Berry

If Avril Lavigne thinks that dressing like a Garbage Pail prostitot for the rest of her life is going to make her the next Angelyne, she needs to stay in that seat - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The Silver Fox wigs out with Miss Piggy - Towleroad

More importantly, how can get a seat on the board of The National Hot Dog Council? - The Daily What

Who the hell is doing the costumes on Spring Breakers? Body Glove? - Popoholic

A pretty douche hole is marrying Elvis' granddaughter - ICYDK

The world's stock of gold dresses is empty and you can thank Jennifer Lawrence and her Hunger Games promo tour for that - Popsugar

Jill Tyrell always Sharpies it better - OMG Blog

Which one is the wax figure? - Celebslam

It's too early to tell if James Van Der Beek's new kid inherited his epic foot-long forehead or not - SOW

These pictures of Nicole Richie brings up the painful memory of me wasting 90 minutes of my life on that Fashion Shat crap last night - Hollywood Rag

Grrraffes! - Cityrag

Manila Luzon got a tan! - Crunk + Disorderly

Seann William Scott is going to be somebody's husband - I'm Not Obsessed

This celebrity mom-to-be is treating her body like a garbage disposal. She is unashamedly eating anything and everything she wants. The weight gain is already obvious, but it’s all part of her plan. She has already inked a deal with a weight loss company and will be sporting a slim and trim post baby body before you can say deep fried Twinkie. However, the secret of her incredible pound shedding will be plastic surgery, not diet and exercise. Right now she and her manager are deciding whether or not to add a breast reduction to the lipo and tuck procedures. News that she is in labor will hit soon, but it’s actually a scheduled c-section. (Hollywood Dame via Blind Gossip)

Jessica Simpson? Exhibit: A. Exhibit B is the picture above of the "slutty brownie" that Jessica says is her number one pregnancy craving. It's cookie dough, Oreos and brownie batter together in one delicious square of insta-diabetes. I don't know why they call it the slutty brownie. Maybe because you just want to face fuck it until your jaw breaks? The slutty brownie would be so much butter if a creamed bacon patty was sandwiched between two of them.

This semi-retired supermodel is finally ready to kick her cheating, good-for-nothing husband to the curb! The still-sexy catwalk queen and mother of two has turned the other cheek for many years, but the last straw was when her hunky hubby started canoodling with one of her girlfriends! Who is she? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Cindy Crawford to Rande Gerber: "You'll never lick this mole again, bitch!"

A week or so ago I was talking to someone I have known forever. She is an actress you would all know if you saw her, but might not know her name. She has been acting for 20 years and is probably on her biggest hit right now. Scary show too. Anyway, she started off on a show that was a reincarnation/spin off of a very hit show that used some, but not many of the stars from the first show. She says that if you wanted to be on this new hit show you had to have sex. Constantly. With the producers. If you said no they would just find another woman or guy and slide them in and kick you out. The only people exempt from the requirement were the holdovers from the other show. However, those holdovers were all the biggest abusers of the new talent. The oldest actor was also the creepiest. He loved finding the legal and maybe not quite legal actors and actresses for himself. There were two people who quit rather than have sex with the guy although he supposedly could not stay hard enough to actually consummate the act.

One other actor made his way through over 100 cast members and extras during the run of the show and the actor literally cried when the show was canceled because he knew he would never be able to coerce women like that again. If you go over to his house he will show you tapes of about half the women he had sex with.

There was one B+ actor who is still that today who participated, but only when his girlfriend was not around. When you go through the list of the cast members who were on the show and how many episodes they were in, you can see which ones made the producers happy and which ones were sent packing after just a few episodes.

As for my friend? She stuck it out as long as she could. She had one producer who really liked her and she had sex with him and he protected her from the others. He left though about halfway through the run of the show and she followed him out the door (CDAN)

The "hit" horror shows on the air right now are:

American Horror Story, True Blood, Keeping up with the Kardashians, The Walking Dead and Vampire Diaries.

But none of those shows really took me to a solid guess, so I've got nothing. I'm going to work this problem out on the chalkboard until I somehow come up with Newhart as my answer, because you know everyone was a serious fuck freak on that show.

The last time I checked in with panty creamer of 1988 Richard Grieco, he looked like if Moe the Bartender entered a douche-alike contest as Criss Angel. Here's Richard Grieco (who is most known for producing the greatest show of the 21st century Gigolos) at last night's 21 Jump Street premiere in Hollywood and yes, he still looks like a middle-aged mutant goth raver turtle.

I was going to say that Richard looks like he's on the sexual predator list in Transylvania, but I can hardly see his teeth in some of these pictures. Dude has turtle mouth. I bet watching him eat a piece of lettuce is like watching a hairless vagina eat an al dente lasagna noodle, which I guess is sort of like watching Charlie Sheen have sex. The most tragic part of these pictures is that Richard thinks he's turning on the crotch sprinklers with his sexy eyes, but those eyes make me want to say nighty night before tucking my asshole into bed.

Charlize Theron somehow found time between gay bar "canoodling" with ASkars and eating black chicken on Top Chef: Texas to adopt a BABY!!!!! Charlize's rep confirms to People that a baby boy can now call her "mommy" after she adopted his ass recently.

"She is the proud mom of a healthy baby boy named Jackson."

UsWeekly says that Jackson is African-American and was born in the United States.

If you're happy for Charlize and Jackson, send them a congratulatory smoke signal by taking a hit from a granny smith apple bong. If you don't care, pretend you do so that you have an excuse for taking a hit from a granny smith apple bong in the middle of the day.

Jennie Garth doesn't need Peter Facinelli when she'll always have that stunning outfit in the "there's a broken light bulb back there for a reason" section of her closet. Unlike Peter, that gorgeous Bisou Bisou circa 1998 top will never do her wrong by sticking its dick in Canadian poon. That's what Scallywag & Vagabond (if this rumor is true, that can totally be the nickname for Peter's dick and tongue) says happened to Peter and Jennie's marriage, anyway. Their source (who may or may not be a scorned Brenda Walsh) claims that while Peter was shooting the last Twilight movie in Vancouver, he got it on with a 20-something Canadian woman. Jennie knew about it, but wrapped herself inside of a June Cleaver shell for the sake of the chirruns.

“Peter had been seeing another woman for quite some time. They tried to make it work for the sake of their children and Jennie played housewife for as long as she could but finally had enough.

Jennie knew. As a lot of couples do, they simply grew apart. As the mother of his children, Peter still loves Jennie very much and vice versa.”

Whether or not Peter's scallywag wang dipped into the maple cooch of a Canadian mistress whore, the lesson to learn here is that if you want your marriage to last forever, stay away from all things Twilight. ALL THINGS. If Peter wasn't in Twilight, he wouldn't have been in Canada and he probably wouldn't have dicked a Canadian side piece. Twilight: BREAKING MARRIAGES!

And this has nothing to do with anything, but every time I type Peter Facinelli, I really want to type Peter Felchinelli. Peter probably got into that shit with his maybe side piece. Cum-siphoning, kinky bitch.

UPDATE: Jennie and Peter are shocked, appalled and clutching their pearls over this rumor. Peter's side piece isn't Canadian! No, they deny the whole thing to People.

"There are rumors out there which are completely untrue and hurtful to our family. We just want to make it very clear – there are no third parties involved."

The day all lesbians knew would come has finally come. Sort of. Gillian Anderson tells Out Magazine (via After Ellen) that yes, the cooch is out there, and she dabbled on a few when she was a teenager in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Gillian has a 17-year-old daughter with a dude and has two kids with the dude she's currently with, but before all that she was clit wrestling with the ladies. Gillian told Out that she kept that gayelle information to herself, because she didn't have something to promote until now want to make a big deal of it:

On being a high school lezzie: “I was in a relationship with a girl for a long time when I was in high school, and then I was in a relationship with a punk rock drug addict who...”

Yeah, yeah, well it’s... You know, I’m old enough that I can talk about that. And then I was in a relationship with somebody who was way, way older than me. Everything that that kind of anarchistic attitude brings—the inappropriate behavior it leads to—was how I chose to be in the world at that time, which was, you know, not what people did.”

On why she never brought up her lesbian relationships before: “If I had thought I was 100% gay, would it have been a different experience for me? Would it have been a bigger deal if shame had been attached to it and all those things that become huge life-altering issues for youngsters in that situation? It’s possible that my attitude around it came, on some level, from knowing that I still liked boys.”

Gillian is right. It isn't a big fucking deal. Who wasn't bi-sexual in high school? We all were! For about a full year, I was strictly a high school lesbian. But I'm guessing Scully was probably better at it than me. It's not totally my fault, though. You try butthole-to-pussy scissoring on a twin bed. You need a damn blueprint and an instruction manual to do it right.

Ashley Judd was on Canada's The Marilyn Denis Show the other day to talk about her Double Jeopardy/Not Without My Daughter TV knock-off called Missing and some hos (read: Radar and The Daily Mail) think she Naomi Judd-ed up her face by filling her cheeks with a Phoebe Price special. Dr. Anthony Youn, a plastic surgeon, put his eyeballs on these pictures of Ashley and told Radar that in his professional opinion, she done knocked her face up with fillers:

“Ashley Judd's wrinkles are Missing. I am flabbergasted that she appears to have changed her face like this. I suspect that she's had a good dose of Botox in her forehead to smooth it and injections of fat into her cheeks to plump them up. Ten years ago Ashley had some of the best cheeks in the business. Unfortunately, now they look too puffy. Hopefully they're swollen from a recent treatment and will settle down soon."

Best cheeks in the business?! First of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about the ho stroll business, then I am flabbergasted (FLABBERGASTED, I tell you!) by his words since that title has always belonged to Chicken Cutlets. Second of all, if Dr. Youn is talking about show business, then I am still flabbergasted by his words since that title has always belonged to John Travolta. Ten thousand cum shots to his ass cheeks don't lie.

And about Ashley's face, I don't know. I still see wrinkles. Yes, her cheeks look like my nalgas after having an allergic reaction to shrimp lube, but that could be from anything. It could be bloat from meds. It could be a little weight gain. I still see Ashley Judd when I look at these pictures of Ashley Judd. Now, moving on to more important topics like Ashley's DOG FRIEND!

I read somewhere that Ashley's dog Buttermilk is a certified service dog, because he helps her with her anxiety attacks or depression or something. To which I say, how do I get my dog certified as a certified service dog?! I need this, especially on planes. Not because he soothes my anxiety or anything. But because I need someone to watch my carry-on while I yell at a whore for acting the fool.

Because Lindsay Lohan is such a serious homebody who sits at home sipping distilled room-temperature water while writing the cue cards she'll use for her comeback masterpiece role in that Elizabeth Taylor shit for Lifetime, she was at Sayers Club in Hollywood until 12 this morning. Because Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan and even a fresh coat of ginge on her weave can't keep her from being a professional fuck up, she hit a dude in the knee with her Porsche before driving away. Take a sip of your morning speed, let it marinate for a second and then say it with me: THIS DUMB BITCH.

The story from TMZ is actually kind of funny and seems like a scam White Oprah would come up with on the spot. LiLo was backing out of the parking lot while surrounded by the paparazzi when her car grazed the knee of a dude who manages the nearby Hookah Lounge (New York Post Headline: HOOKAH MANAGER HIT BY HOOKAH!). LiLo drove away without getting out of her car to check to see if the dude's knee was alright while stealing his wallet with her other hand (missed opportunity, LiLo!). The cops arrived, but TMZ seems to think that they were only there, because LiLo called them earlier to protect her from the paparazzi.

Right after LiLo hit that dude, he told the paparazzi that he was fine and didn't need an ambulance or anything. But then the paparazzi told him that world famous baby stroller-hitter LiLo was the one who kissed his knee hard with her car. The manager said he didn't know who that was, because he's not from America. Dude must've found out quick (note: he Googled "Lizzie Grubman of crackheads" and LiLo was first item), because suddenly he started complaining about pain. He went to the emergency room and he's telling people that he's going to press charges. LiLo is only 14 days away from being probation-free and this could fuck things up for her, but that's not going to happen.

Even if LiLo knocked that dude's knee cap out with her bumper and then stuffed it in her cheek before driving away to rob a nearby Target of their entire supply of blue crack, nothing would happen to her. LiLo is the darling of the California justice system and that club manager is a nobody to them. When I look into my crystal meth ball, I see White Oprah blowing an air kiss at the club manager as police take him away to prison for attacking LiLo's Porsche with his knee. "You can't scam a scammah, wink!" - White Oprah

Here's a few pictures from the other night of LiLo and some 45-year-old court stenographer from the late 80s Ali Lohan leaving a restaurant. That scratch on her Porsche is nothing. Bitch just took out an entire playground of preschoolers, because the paparazzi were in her way.

Kirk Cameron's only serious competition for World's Saddest Birthday Party. - nickysix

Runners-up:

Hope floats and so does alcoholism. - christine the hoff

Cast Away 2: Chuck Moland, a single, alcoholic wannabe Federal Express inspector, travels around a lake testing the effectiveness of imaginary international shipping offices. - Kandykane

I should have known that this property I bought in Greenland is worthless. - Stan Derp

via Evil Milk