Smiles lie. Our Supreme Ruler and Goddess Messiah (Oprah Winfrey) is going to have to throw a damn rent party soon. Nothing's working! Winfrey announced today that she won't be requiring Rosie O'Donnell's services anymore, and hasn't renewed The Rosie Show for a second season. O'Donnell is packing up her clog collection and lumbering back to NYC.
“I thank Rosie from the bottom of my heart for joining me on this journey,” said Oprah Winfrey in a statement. “As I have learned in the last 15 months, a new network launch is always a challenge and ratings grow over time as you continue to gather an audience. I’m grateful to Rosie and the dedicated Rosie Show team for giving it their all.”
Rosie might be a mouthy occasional psycho, but she's no fool. She realizes that Oprah isn't as forgiving as Barbara Walters. O would have her killed if she got hainty about getting axed in public.
"I loved working with Oprah in the amazing city of Chicago," O'Donnell said in a statement. "I was welcomed with open arms and will never forget the kindness of all I encountered. It was a great year for me—I wish the show was able to attract more viewers—but it did not. So I am headed back to my home in New York—with gratitude. On we go!"
The Rosie Show, which dropped from a viewership of 500,000 for the premiere episode down to an average of 230,000, was taped in O's old studio ( aka Little Medjugorje). They shot around the mystical healing fountain that sprung up on Oprah's last day. Many are the global pilgrimages undertaken to partake of its soothing and holy waters.
Oprah's second coming isn't working out like she planned. Did anyone else notice her slinking up to people's cars at the Twitter intersection during the Grammys and asking "hey baby, you wanna party?" for ratings? It's serious when Oprah is panhandling on social media platforms.
As for Rosie - she's got this chick grimly picturing Range Rovers and Birkin Bags as she laps at O'Donnell's other "O". So Rosie's fine.
A couple of weeks ago your Facebook feed was probably covered with that KONY 2012 video and now I'm sure it's covered with this craziness right here. TMZ is on this shit and got a hold of a short clip of KONY 2012's director and Invisible Children co-founder Jason Russell having a balls-out meltdown near SeaWorld. Unless dude's peen is a few feet long and he faps by pounding it against the sidewalk, I don't see any masturbation shit. Jason is currently in the hospital on a Code Cheetos (aka 5150 psychiatric hold) for obvious reasons.
If you didn't tell me this dude was having a naked King Kong breakdown, I'd probably just think it was a hippie doing naked yoga on a Thursday afternoon.
The Jokes Write Themselves: Jason Russell, the dude behind that KONY 2012 video, was busted in San Diego for drunkenly fapping in public and vandalizing cars. Jason has since checked into a hospital for "exhaustion, dehydration and malnutrition." Well, jacking all your fluids out under the San Diego sun is pretty tiring..... - TMZ
LIES! We all know a day in the life of Kunty Karl involves kicking fat kittens and washing his hair with the crushed bones of virgins - Lainey Gossip
I'm not sure if Dave Franco is PedoBear's greatest enemy or biggest ally? - Towleroad
The original Lindsay Lohan slightly kicks at the current Lindsay Lohan - The Superficial
NIKKI COX'S FACE! NIKKI COX'S EDGES! - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Taylor Momsen, keep on, keep on with your prostitot antics - Hollywood Tuna
Jennifer Lawrence tones down the GOLD EXPLOSION!!! for the Paris premiere of The Hongray Games - Celebitchy
So what's going to shoot out of Katy Perry's tits in her new video? Tiny grenades or camouflage nets? - ICYDK
Oh look, it's a splintery broom in skinny jeans - Popoholic
Another day, another RiRi tattoo that looks like clip art - The Berry
Happy St. Patrick's Day from The Real Housewives of South Boston - OMG Blog
So I guess Michael Assbender and his Shame co-star took their work home - Popsugar
The Spring Breakers look like thieving penis heads - Moe Jackson
Aubrey O'Day picks her career up - Hollywood Rag
Puppeh on a slide - Cityrag
Case of the BABIES!!!: Neve Campbell's got it - I'm Not Obsessed
The nipples that Heather Mills has licked on - SOW
Can somebody get me a copy of this signed by Frank Lloyd Roberts? Thank you. - Videogum
Zoe Saldana and genius mannequin Megan Fox are doing a movie together - Just Jared
Truffles is so ready for an all-guinea pig remake of Outrageous Fortune - The Daily What
They (I don't know what I'm talking about, so don't ask me who "they" is) say that a parent should strengthen the bond with their child by doing something they love together. Examples: White Oprah and a young Lindsay Lohan bonded by doing GoGurt and rum shots during homeschool cocktail hour. Jessica Simpson and Baby Maxi Pad will bond by eating themselves out of a shell made of Slutty Brownies. Charlize Theron and Baby Jackson will bond by taking Mommy, Me and an Apple Bong class together. Jesse James decided he wanted to bond with his 8-year-old daughter Sunny, and thankfully his idea of bonding is not dressing her up like a Hitler Youth for Mein Kampf study class. Vanilla Gorilla took Sunny to his tattoo parlor and let him tattoo her name into his wrist with the help an artist. This was the result (try to look past his Fritos skin):
VG is a tattooed Frankenstein with a brain made of popped ass warts, but this is sort of kind of sweet. Don't get me wrong, if I had a kid, I wouldn't let them do this to me and I sure as hell wouldn't let them near me with a needle. All 8-year-olds have the penmanship of a serial killing chicken, so I don't want that shit on my body. Then again, if I had a kid, I'd probably forget their name all the name so that tattoo would totally come in handy.
The original Dark Shadows was a campy, busted, terrible mess of dreckery and it was brilliant in every way. It had the production values of a Mexican porn and the actors didn't strain one ounce of their being to give a fuck. In one episode, one of the actors (I can't remember which one), read her lines off of a napkin or paper lying on the dining table. Lindsay Lohan would've killed it on that show! So I was hoping that Tim Burton would bring some of that low-budget "filmed in the back room of a supermarket" glamour to the movie. I wasted a hope for NOTHING, because that's not what he did. I'm sort of torn like a Duggar cooch over this trailer. It has some promise, but overall it looks like The Addams Family Values, the worst parts of The Royal Tenenbaums and a My Chemical Romance video had a PG-13 threesome in the clearance section of a Halloween store. On a positive note: EVA GREEN CHICHIS!
Hiya. Michael K. got himself into some legal trouble back home for trying to multi-task his desire for both massive amounts of In-N-Out burgers AND massive amounts of dick. After all, he's only home for two weeks. Unfortunately he's learned that you can't just take a giant sack of burgers into the men's room and drill a glory hole in the stall to save time. So he asked me to write a couple of posts while he's busy demanding multiple body cavity searches from his jailers. Good to be back! I love this place!
Kelly Taylor's rebounding from her split with Peter Facinelli by continuing plans to star in a reality show. The premise? Jennie Garth:
Fuck That Whore Brenda Little Bit Country (click here for a clip) has her moving to a ranch in the wilds of California (*eye roll*) with her kids and trying to start over in the "country." Apparently, the 2nd meanest girl in West Beverly High grew up on a ranch before Aaron Spelling raised her up. Jennie will deal with her marriage imploding by brushing horsey manes and jerking udders. Or directing the nanny to.
Jennie and Peter were supposed to star in this shitshow together and it was originally called I Love Jennie. Obviously that title is no longer accurate. You can't love Jennie and fuck Taylor!
Are reality show deals just part of alimony now?
Before I get into these pictures of Prince Hot Ginge and some girl giving us the drunk trash version of Romeo & Juliet, I have some quick site news. J. Harvey, who with Sweetas guest blogged on Dlisted during Christmastimes while I was busy dining at the finest Olive Gardens in Rome, is helping me out until Monday so that I can dine at the finest Olive Gardens in California. It's my last weekend in California with my mom and we're going to party hard (aka get drunk on grocery store wine under an umbrella in the backyard after going to Trader Joe's for a full lunch of free samples).
J. Harvey was nice enough to take time out from weeping on the curb in front of a Boston gay bar after getting kicked out for eating all the toppings on the complimentary baked potato bar (not a euphemism). My ass is still going to post regularly every day, but J. Harvey will be here to lighten the load (not like that). I'll be back full-time on Tuesday and then I'll be back in NYC on Saturday, so every whore in Brooklyn should enjoy the skank-free air while they still can. Now on to PHG....
PHG partied at the Brompton Club in London last night and the paparazzi held on to the roof gutters to get a picture of him talking to some drunk ass tramp in a dirty alley. PHG sure has a thing for those stringy ass blondes who look like they can't handle their booze. How does this happen, though? If it only takes a hot fag to get PHG into a stank alley, then light me on fire and kick me between two buildings.
File this under: I hope this leads to talking ice sculpture Cindy McCain writing her own Penthouse Letter.
John and Cindy McCain's daughter Meghan McCain is in Playboy's April issue (for reasons I'll never know) and she kept her Republican titty balls to herself, but she did talk about how only peens are allowed up in her sugar walls. But before Meghan got into dick talk, she said that she overdosed on Xanax the day before the 2008 election and that she gained some chunk during the height of "Obamamania." Meghan gained weight by gorging on Snickers while hanging out on her parents' bed with her friends and that led to dick talk:
Watch it, mister. My friends from home came over to support me, and we got in my parents’ big bed. They have this huge California king and we just stayed up eating ice cream. I’m not a lesbian, if that’s what you’re asking. I’d be the first person to tell the world I was gay. I’m not private about anything. I think you should live how you should live. But I’m strictly dickly. I can’t help it. I love sex and I love men.
And that led to the interviewer asking about Meghan's love for Rachel Maddow and Tila Tequila:
Honey, you’re nobody unless you have a gay rumor about you. I’ve been hit on by women from time to time, and it might simplify my life if I were gay, but no. Rachel and Tila are just great people. For me, it’s an issue of civil rights. Who people want to sleep with and who they want to love should not have anything to do with government politics at all. And if you see me in a gay bar, it’s only because they play the best music and my gay friends like to dance. Gay guys love me. It’s the big boobs and blonde hair.
Strictly dickly? Who does this bitch think she is? Sommore? Never mind that Meghan made one of the Four Horsemen jump start his ride by putting Tila Tequila and Rachel Maddow in the same sentence and never mind that the image of Meghan rubbing her nipples all over Rachel's eyeglass lenses is not what I needed today, the most tragic part of this whole thing is that picture. My 9th grade yearbook photo session had a bigger budget than this shit. They threw a white sheet over a pile of empty cardboard boxes in the corner and told Meghan to lay on it while wearing an ugly dress last worn by one of the Barker's Beauties in the late 80s. Playboy needs to stop outsourcing to the Sears Portrait Studio.
George Clooney's kinky ass is used to being in handcuffs, but this morning he was thrown into a pair of Lohan bracelets for a different reason. No, George wasn't arrested for the hurtful acts of shittery he committed by doing Batman & Robin. George and his father Nick Clooney were arrested for protesting outside of the Sudanese embassy in DC. Getting arrested was all part of George's master plan to get people talking about the crisis in the Sudan. George's rep put it like this to TMZ:
"They were protesting the violence committed by the government of Sudan on its own innocent men, women and children. They were demanding they allow humanitarian aid into the country before it becomes the largest humanitarian crisis in the world."
George and Nick were thrown into a Secret Service van and immediately taken to the celebrity version of Guantanamo Bay: a Comfort Inn Suites without a nightly turn down service.
Take note, St. Angie Jo! This is how "shedding light on some serious shit" is done. But in Angie's defense, she never gets arrested, because Smith & Wesson haven't yet made handcuffs small enough for praying mantids.
In the current issue of Vogue, JLo's manager Benny Medina basically says in so many words that she's as good at picking a man as she is at singing live without making people diarrhea from their ears. Benny says that JLo basically suffers from JenniferLoveHewitt-itis, because the bitch always needs a man and if you're desperate, needy and obsessively slobbering on her roasted pork ass cheeks, she'll put you on payroll as her full-time piece. Benny gave this sermon of truthiness to Vogue (via People) when talking about JLo's relationship :
"The thing that I always sort of wished is that she would give herself time to just naturally meet someone, instead of having obsessive guys pursue her. The ease which that obsession becomes a relationship I think sometimes works against her ability to have a real meaningful relationship."
Benny then talked about JLo's relationship with that Montessori Nursery School Dance Troupe member who looks like one of Scrooge McDuck's nephews:
"We talked about it and she was like, 'It's not even the age, Benny. It's actually that I just came out of a relationship where I felt like I was kind of not getting what I needed. And I'm open! [I'm looking for] somebody who steps in right now and is actually touching me in a [meaningful] way."
Touch her in a meaningful way? Sick. I really don't need to know that JLo is looking for a man who will make her asshole hairs stand up by stroking her overinflated ego spot while telling her that she's the most beautiful, talented and smartest woman in the world.
In the Game of Life (the board game, not the other one), I pulled the doctor card once so I know what I'm talking about. JLo is only with Casper, because she can easily control his ass and when he annoys her by drooling too much, she can tell the nanny to take him to his nursery. But that kind of relationship isn't going to fulfill JLo. What JLo loves most in this world is JLo. So that's why the perfect man for her is her male stunt double. JLo's male stunt double has the best of both worlds: he almost looks like her in the face (he's prettier) and he has a dick. JLo would get to suck her own dick! It's a match made in JLo's ego.
Here's JLo wearing a whole lot of sequined NO while leaving a restaurant in L.A. with Casper last night.