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Parts of JFK had to be thawed out this past weekend after stone cold ice queen January Jones strut through with her 6-month-old son Xander Jones. The National Enquirer, Star Magazine, InTouch and all those other tabloid hos shouldn't be able to sleep at night, because it's been MONTHS and they still haven't told us who's sending January a child support check every month! How do they live with themselves?!

You know, most babies look like skin blobs with cheeks to me, so I'm not the one to say that Xander's got Matthew Vaughn's hairline or Jason Sudeikis' ear lobes or Bobby Flay's lashes or Xander Berkley's left nostril or Jim Bob Duggar's graceful demeanor. Yeah, I know Jim Bob wasn't on the list of January's possible baby daddies, but whenever I see a white kid and I don't know who their father is, I just assume it's Jim Bob Duggar.

And you might be wondering if January Fergie-ed herself on the flight, but that isn't piss running down her leg. January just forgot to wear her dry ice bra on the flight, so her frozen heart melted and ran down her leg. That's all.

The scents of the JcPenney hair salon and the Korean beauty supply store where my high school friend bought his violet contacts at just fucked me in the nostrils after looking at these pictures of DanRad and 1995 David Spade Dane DeHaan shooting scenes in Brooklyn this morning for the movie Kill Your Darlings. DanRad kissed his eyeballs with brown contacts and put his hair in curlers to play Allen Ginsburg (James Franco who?). DanRad as Allen Ginsburg looks like a 20-something Hipster Potter who smells like old book pages, patchouli and cloves.

DanRad with curly hair is sort of giving me "younger and slightly hotter It's Pat" vibes. If you were making out with a curly haired DanRad in the last stall in a gay bar bathroom, you wouldn't know whether you'd get a mouth full of coochie or a mouth full of peen as you went down to get romantic with his down low parts. The Sanrio Surprise mystery bag of crotches! That is why DanRad should get himself some Hollywood Pink Foam Rollers and keep this look FOREVER!

Speaking of the last stall in the gay bar bathroom, thanks to J. Harvey for helping a ho out this weekend. If it wasn't for J. Harvey's posts, I wouldn't have been able to get drunk at Outback in front of my mom while she rolled her sober eyes at me (somebody has to drive home). I also wouldn't have discovered that a fucking Farrell's opened near her house. A Farrell's! If you don't know what a Farrell's is, just think of a place that has shitty food, old timey hats and a whole lot of trash! It's glorious. I know where I'm having my next birthday party at. Does anybody know if Farrell's has an in-house male stripper or do I have to bring my own? Rickulous stripping at Farrell's is like two dreams coming true together. Parents, please shuffle your children out the exit door!

Lifetime already deserves a wet slap to their right cheek for casting Lindsay Lohan as Elizabeth Taylor and now they deserve a wet slap to their left cheek for this mess right here. Those foolery enablers at Lifetime announced about 5 months ago that they were putting together a basic cable remake of Steel Magnolias starring an all-black cast and I gave them the perfect cast on a platter covered with armadillo cake crumbs. You can't go wrong with Cousin Dionne Warwick as Ouiser or Jackee Harry as Truvy! Did they listen to a low-level blogger who has no casting experience and is slightly brain dead from snorting a skull full of public pool water as a child? No, those whores did not. They went their own route. Most of Lifetime's cast makes sense, but some of it is making me bawl like Jack Jr. on the ceramic tile floor after Shelby passes the fuck out. This is Lifetime's cast via Deadline:

Phylicia Rashad as Clairee (the Olympia Dukakis role)
Alfre Woodard as Ouiser (the Shirley MacLaine role)
Queen Latifah as M'Lynn (the Sally Field role)
Jill Scott as Truvy (the Dolly Parton role)
Condola Rashad, Phylicia's daughter as Shelby (the Julia Roberts role)
Adepero Oduye as Annelle (the Daryl Hannah role)

I'm okay with Clair Huxtable, Alfre, Jill Scott and the young ones, but QUEEN LATIFAH as M'Lynn? We all know what happened the last time Queen Latifah was in a beauty shop. It turned into a 38% rotten pile of old hair stuck in a sink drain. There's no way Queen Latifah can deliver a Sybil-like dramatic cunt meltdown in the middle of a cemetery the same way Sally Field can. I'd rather see Tyler Perry as Madea as M'Lynn. Lifetime is a pig from hell. Drink your juice, Lifetime!

The Daily Beast has a loonnnggggg article about why Rosie O'Donnell's show on Oprah Winfrey's network of spiritual guidance failed. Reasons include Rosie not being a good fit for the channel, a bad time slot, no one was sure what the show's format should be, celebrities wouldn't come to Chicago to get their publicity cocks sucked, etc.

The frowny revelation is that Rosie still has a big ole' temper when shit doesn't go well and will publicly lash the fuck out at you in front of the rest of the staff. She will make you cry and confound you because you had heard that lesbians were really nice what with the dogs and the Home Depot love and everything.

Rosie filmed in Oprah's old studio, and many of The Rosie Show staff were made up of O's old crew. Those special people have been touched by an angel and ascended to a higher level than the rest of us. But that don't mean dick to Ro.

From the Beast:

Several staffers were very upset when O’Donnell clashed with Winfrey’s longtime director Joe Terry. People thought she humiliated him when she scolded him in front of a live audience for using the wrong camera shots, suggesting he didn’t know what he was doing. She fired Winfrey’s stage manager because she felt like he was ignoring her and not doing his job properly. But some of her biggest fights were with “the games department.” She couldn’t decide what she wanted—The Price Is Right, physical games, or trivia—and was constantly belittling the people who worked on them.

Rosie also reportedly treated her band leader lady like shit because she couldn't immediately play obscure Broadway numbers like the band was Tom Cruise's iPod. Ugh. She also didn't personally tell her staff that the jig was up because she'd already driven her hog (you decide what kind I'm referring to) back to New York City and was trying to get the role of Miss Hannigan in a revival of Annie.

I met Rosie once. She was big and butch (bike shorts/Tevas/lots of tattoos) and I was nervous she would put me in a headlock. She read as a nice lady, but I wasn't on her payroll. Remember when she accused one of the staffers at her magazine of lying and told her that "liars get cancer"? This is not a bitch you want your cubicle near.

And that's it for me. Thank you to the exquisitely slutty Michael K for letting me help out again! Tramp ass.

Whoop That Trick: Justin Bieber gets fake beat up for Complex Magazine and expect PETA and GLAAD to issue a co-statement about how it's wrong to glamorize violence against lesbian beavers - The Berry

What in the hell kind of GD Mama Cass on safari shit is Jessica Simpson wearing? - Lainey Gossip

This would've been the perfect time for dolphins to suddenly develop a craving for midget wookies - The Superficial

Carmen Electra's faded lip liner situation tells me that she needs lip liner lessons from Spaz de la Huerta - Hollywood Tuna

About that Chick-Fil-A shit, the drag queen version of Wilson Phillips (featuring Willam) say it best - Towleroad

Lana Del Taco's new video sort of looks like a queef brought to you by Chris Isaak's Wicked Games video - ICYDK

If Michael Jackson and one of Lisa Marie's alien Thetans had a love child... (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

In "Being George Clooney's temporary escort is lucrative" news... - Celebitchy

Will Fergie please squat and piss on those fugly flame heels? - Just Jared

Sofia Vergara airs her pits out in Esquire - Popoholic

Are we sure Matt Bellamy's not the one who just popped out a baby? - Popsugar

But does Jesus approve? - The Daily What

This IS what I had in mind when I asked for a bowl of pussy - OMG Blog

It's nice to see that they made a t-shirt of the ugly ass painting my mom had hanging in our living room in the 80s - I'm Not Obsessed

The fall of Simone Starr - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Judd is the Vanna White of peen gloves - SOW

If you took Beth Chapman's two tons of titties and Dog the Bounty Hunter's Goodyear gut, you'd basically have Jessica Simpson in her current 6th trimester state.

Looking like the cover models for Sports Illustrated: Sasquatch Edition, Dog and Beth fried their salmon jerky skin under the Hawaiian sun in Maui yesterday. Your daily elegance quota has been met thanks to Beth's stunning acid wash shorts and Dog's exquisite man sarong. Your daily quota of TITS have also been met, because these pictures have hundreds of serving of them. Tits everywhere! Tits on Beth, tits on Dog and the ultimate triple E tit (complete with hard nipple) on Dog's stomach. Tits for everyone!

I was going to ask you which one you'd rather motorboat, but I already know the answer is a full-bodied: NONE! Because why would you drown in a sea of Dog tits when you can sit back and watch Dog stick his outie in Beth's innie. Bellybutton sex > Motorboating

Girl, we know! It's that big!

Michael Fassbender (accompanied by his hog of hogs) presented Charlize Theron the Ally for Equality award at the Human Rights Campaign Gala in LA on Saturday night. Michael K was there, disguised as a busgirl, and trying to frottage Fasbender's bulge with his buttocks while removing his bread plate.

Charlize took the opportunity to inform Fassbender and those assembled about her admiration for his peen and how she's willing, ready, and able to smack it up, flip it, and rub it down, oh no in a movie. ("This twat better watch herself!" - George Clooney.)

Hot-ass bitch Theron started talking about Shame. And dicks. She knows her audience.

"I have to say that I was truly impressed that you chose to play it big. Most other actors would have gone small, trust me. No, I know because I've worked with them."

She then expressed all of our thoughts and desires about Magneto's cockatoo.

"Your penis was a revelation. I'm available to work with it any time." ("Me too." - J. Harvey, Michael K, Sweetas, all of you, your families, the world.)

Check out more pics of Charlize, Fassbender (who is a cocksman after my own hard-on for bringing his drink on stage), raggedy Chelsea Handler, annoying cartoon character Ross from The Tonight Show, and Joe Mangia(!)-iello in the gallery. Joe Mangia(!)-iello doesn't look as good when he's wearing clothes, huh?

I find that when the police search my apartment for 8 balls and blocks of sea jasper powder, the last place they check is my Jesus statue, because what kind of dark-sided ungodly motherfucker wants to take a hammer to Jesus? So here's Lindsay Lohan licking on her fentanyl nail polish and flashing her crackie camel toe while shopping for Jesus statues in L.A. yesterday afternoon. You believers out there might be wondering why Jesus didn't pull some divine intervention shit by knocking over that statue on Blohan so she can finally have a seat. Well, Jesus didn't have to do that, because LiLo is finally having a seat on her own.

TMZ says that right after a hookah club manager accused LiLo of Lizzie Grubman-ing him, her "friends" told her to put her messy ass on lockdown until her probation is up in two weeks. LiLo took the advice of her friends and has vowed to only leave her house for community service at the morgue and to shop for Jesus statues. Babies in strollers and the knees of hookah club managers might think that it's safe to go out in the wild again, but they should never underestimate LiLo's fucking up powers. The bitch can fuck up without even trying.

In a couple of days, LiLo will bow her nostrils on her cokey Jesus statue and cleanse her insides by guzzling on the blood of Christ (aka Red Bull) before throwing that can out the window. That can will land on the windshield of a moving car, causing the driver to lose control. The car will clip the back wheel of a stroller sending that baby flying into the air and right into the knee of a hookah club manager. LiLo can cause all of that without leaving her crackie den. Bitch is that good.

It's nice to see Gwyneth Paltrow giving us a non-smug look for once on that magazine cover. That unfortunate pasta anticipation gremlinly lipbite face looks like me when I'm faced with snack cakes. Piggy realness.

GOOP's third career (after "actress" and "insufferable snob blogger") is "cookbook author". Unfortunately her publishing empire was dealt a blow by the New York Times. In an article about cookbook ghost writers, they claimed that Gwyneth wrote her cookbook My Father's Daughter (he was an asshole, too?) with chef Julia Turshen.

According to E!, Gwyneth moved quickly to refute this on her Facebook page. Do you think she'll play Avengers Alliance with me if I invite her?

"Love @nytimes dining section but this weeks facts need checking. No ghost writer on my cookbook, I wrote every word myself."

That "love" doesn't feel genuine to me. You can feel the nasally, passive agressive tone she statused that in, right?

Yes, she wrote every word. Every ponderous word about ingredients you can't afford, cookware that's only available at a tiny shop in the Pyrenees, and how much better she is at making this shit than you are. Ugh, she's a prig. Her husband must think about sticking his head in that outdoor pizza oven on a daily basis.