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PROGRAMMING NOTE: I'm coughing up (I won't tell you from where, don't worry) pieces of Sourdough Jack and animal-style fries, which means I've probably had too much California. For the rest of the day, I'll be safe and secure in my porn-watching knit tunnel while going back to New York. My ass will be back tomorrow and now on to the crumbs:

Tyra Sanchez's RiRi's jank lace lashes get an F-, but her eyebrow situation gets a solid B - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

What happens when Annie Hall takes styling tips from Beetlejuice - Lainey Gossip

A Kiss Begins With Krap: Miley Cyrus Tweets a picture of what some think is her totally fake engagement ring - The Superficial

I don't know who this Daniel Garofali dude is, but I'll gladly skip down his cobblestone happy trail - Towleroad

Every picture from the Spring Breakers set looks straight out of TruTV's Party Heat - Hollywood Tuna

AnnaSophia Robb in the role Trace Cyrus was born in a barn to play! - Just Jared

A who's who of Valtrex's most wanted list - The Berry

Cate Blanchett brings Mimi's recurring nightmare to life by going Photoshop-free on the cover of a magazine - Celebitchy

I hate myself down to a real level for thinking this was the Empress of Lucite - ICYDK

JLove knows how to sell a basic cable TV show that looks like shit - Popoholic

Dude in the back can't look at Beyonce's flower barf pants either - Popsugar

Move over puppy Beyonce, here comes Sugar - The Daily What

For those of you who have a serious frat boys in pumps fetish - OMG Blog

FYI: Elmo's a bottom - Videogum

Just like every damn sad bitch, Peter Felchinelli is letting Adele voice his raw emotions - I'm Not Obsessed

Kenny G's almost-ex-wife sounds like my kind of crazy ass bitch - Hollywood Rag

This list is incomplete without an unPhotoshopped Khloe Kardashian - Cityrag

In honor of National Puppy Day (I know, EVERY DAY should be National Puppy Day), I give you this story that might microwave your cold slug heart until it actually feels warm emotions. Beyonce the puppy started farting at the Grim Reaper even before she came into this world two weeks ago. Beyonce's first dance with death came when her mom, a stray, was almost euthanized. The second dance with death came when they almost aborted her and her brothers and sisters. (Look into the future: Tim Tebow and Beyonce co-starring in a pro-life PSA.) The third dance with death happened after Beyonce was born weighing in at only four ounces. The animal rescue center didn't call her Beyonce because she weighs as much as the feather light pillow the other Beyonce strapped to her belly during pregnancy. They named her Beyonce because she's a survivor.

They should've named her Jeff Probst instead, because he's the host of Survivor and just like this puppy, you really want to cuddle with him, take him for a walk and pick up his poop with a plastic bag glove. Naming her Beyonce was kind of a mistake. Not only will Beyonce's lawyers try to sue the dingles off of her for copyright infringement, but Mama Tina's lace front is looking at puppy Beyonce like she's its next meal. But since Beyonce has cheated death several times, Mama Tina's lace front is no match for her.

And to keep the National Puppy Day celebrations going, here's a few pictures I threw together in ten seconds of celebwhores with their dog and puppy friends. If you don't know who some of these celebrities are, who cares! It's about the PUPPIES, not them. PUPPIES: Now and Forever.

When this picture hit my screen, I thought it was a gigantic butt. The same goes for the picture on the left. The breed machine formerly known as Tori the Hutt announced on her website (via UsWeekly) today that right after she birthed out her 5-month-old daughter Hattie McWhateverthatchildssecondnameis, another fetus checked into her vacant womb. Tori just couldn't let her Donna Martin breathe for a second before letting Dean stick it in again. Tori said this about the fourth cast member of her reality shit show empire:

Dean, Liam, Stella, Hattie, and I are beyond thrilled to announce that another little McDermott is on the way! We feel truly blessed that another angel has found us.

Love,
Tori
xoxo

Tori Spelling's pussy stay looking like Donna Martin's drunk face. It's traumatized and not sure whether or not it wants to pass out or barf. Tori is obviously not thinking of her coochie, because it's bad enough that the poor thing has to look into the sleazy eye of Dean's dick all the time. Tori and Dean are also not thinking of us, because another baby means that there's another mouth to breastfeed, which means that Dean will obviously "accidentally" Tweet another picture of her (NSFW) naked post-feeding time tit.

Which blonde female pop star, who’s busy planning her wedding, might just be planning a baby shower first? (Blind Gossip)

Our Lady of Cheetos! I really hope this is true and I really hope her possibly unborn Cheetoling is a girl, because somebody on this planet has to name their kid Chesterina Frapp and that somebody is Brit Brit.

When Backstabber came to Hollywood she thought she was hot and that she could make it on her looks. Back home she was always the prettiest and she figured she would be here too. Nope. Not even close. She was smart enough to figure that out and also learned about the casting couch really quickly. Her first roles were secured via the casting couch and also led her to do some things she has never done since on film. It is true that she has attempted to buy some of those earlier films and then make sure no new copies are ever released.

In one of her casting couch experiences she met a mentor who has guided her almost every step of the way. Although they stopped sleeping together after six months when Backstabber threatened to tell his wife, they have been good friends ever since and Backstabber makes sure to send over some young actresses she runs into looking for a break to his office to keep him happy.

It came to Backstabber's attention that there was a role which would be perfect for her but the lead had been promised to someone else. Another actress who had very similar qualities and beat out Backstabber for a career defining role and made her white hot. Destined for A list (and still with great name recognition, but not Crash & Burn from yesterday), she made a few more movies and now has one bomb after another on television and in movies. Backstabber started whispering in ears that this actress had a drug problem and could not be relied on. She told everyone she could about the drugs and booze and erratic behavior. None of it was true, but what was a shoo in for the actress and her spot as the actress to watch disappeared in a flash and went to Backstabber.

This is where it gets interesting. On the set, Backstabber met her soon to be husband, but he was already having sex with two of the other still B list co-stars and would have laughed if you told him what Backstabber had in mind. Aside from the casting couch, Backstabber was not and is not a sexual person. She does it out of duty. For this guy though, she knew that would not work. She seduced and teased and the next thing you know, the guy had left the other two co-stars in the dust and was on his knee in a second trying to marry Backstabber. To be the world's sweetheart you needed a husband. Mission accomplished. The only misfire Backstabber had was that her husband would chat in a second and with Backstabber only having sex with him once a month at the most, he would go wandering and straying. She did not mind when he was quiet about it, but after she paid for the third abortion for him, he was out the door.

While they were married, Backstabber continued to climb the Hollywood ladder. Drug accusations here, sending over some of her "friends" from back home to spend the night with a studio executive. To get the ultimate prize, she actually did have sex with a few people who could make or break things for her. She has no actress friends left in Hollywood because she has talked smack about everyone of them. She works for charities but only because it is expected. She has said privately that she keeps every penny she has ever made and that she is not going to give her money to a bunch of broke people or the N word on the street. Oh yeah, she is racist. Probably more so than anyone at a KKK rally. Movies with black people? Not if she can help it. Earlier in her career she could not control it. Now? Casting approval. No black people. Other minorities? No thank you. If she sees you drinking she will try and have you fired. Swearing? She better not hear you. Yeah, so it was a real treat when she had to work with a guy who dropped F bombs every five seconds and had a string of hookers and booze in his trailer the whole shoot. You can see her grimacing the entire movie. (CDAN)

Do you think that if I sent an e-mail to my 9th grade English teacher telling her that I read this entire blind item, she'll change my old grade from a D+ to a C-, because that really is the longest thing I've ever read without sounding out the words. YAY for me.

Okay, I don't think this is Julia Roberts since she loves to launch a high-powered fuck bomb out of her pie hole (exhibit: A). I'll go with Reese Witherspoon, because she looks like the kind who will chin butt you in the mouth if you let out a dark-sided curse word in her pristine presence.

This C list director has forbidden his two main stars in his latest film from dating during the filming of this upcoming blockbuster. He says it’s a chemistry thing, but it’s really because he’s been secretly dating the actress. What he doesn’t know is that the actress is also sleeping with the B lister she is supposedly forbidden from having a relationship with. (BuzzFoto)

Rupert Sanders, Charlize Theron and Chris Hemsworth from Lip Biter White And The Huntsman?

And I wish I was about to tell you that Barry Manilow's got Marilyn Manson's zombie cream smeared all over his lips, but no. Before Marilyn Manson and Lana Del Rey, made everyone ask themselves "But where's the fourth horseman?" by posing for this picture with Barry Manilow at the Echo Awards in Germany yesterday, the two got close at a charity event in Berlin. An ONTDer posted the pictures and proclaimed, "NEW COUPLE ALERT!" Marilyn and Lana Del Taco apparently left the event together and snuck into the same hotel. Marilyn sure does have a type and that type is any trick who is stoned enough to lick on his wrinkled powdered donut hole without vomming up her dignity.

Whores throw a lot of shit bombs at Lana Delrrhea, but I don't hate her and that's probably because she's like Chicken Cutlets if Chicken Cutlets sedated herself down to play Jennifer North in a public access remake of Valley of the Dolls. But the only thing creepier than Blahna Del Nay humping on Marilyn Manson (who is transforming into an extra bloated Nicolas Cage as Skrillex) in a hotel room is if Barry Manilow was in the corner finger banging his innie while humming the melody to "Please Don't Be Scared."

I'm not paging Detective La Toya to get to the bottom of EVERYTHING. I'm paging Detective La Toya so she can throw a net over Bobby Brown's sister and drag that trick to the Ho Sit Down section of the auditorium. Please and gracias.

Two seconds after Whitney Houston died, Bobby Brown's sister Leolah Brown started wrapping her mouth around every reporter's mic. So of course, two seconds after the L.A. County Coroner's office said that Whitney died of an accidental drowning possibly caused by heart failure and cocaine use, Leolah Brown wrapped her mouth around Dr. Drew's mic last night to say she knew it all along. Leolah thinks Ray J gave Whitney a bag of the bad shit that was extra bad. Detective La Toya, this bitch ain't:

"When I first seen this and saw the news, and I saw, I'm sorry, please excuse me, I just have to come out and say this. I saw Ray J coming out of the hotel, hiding his head, being pushed into the car... Why? I looked and I said, 'Why is he hiding? Why is he hiding his face?' He's always trying to show his face when he's around Whitney. Why now? Why are you trying to hide now, Ray J? And I put it altogether. When I first heard that she passed away I said, 'My God, somebody gave her a bad bag.' Yes, I promise you. That was the first thing that came out of my mouth."

Correction, Leolah. The first thing that came out of your mouth was, "Hello, National Enquirer? Before we get started, let me give you the address of the Western Union closest to me..."

Ray J tells TMZ that the shit Leolah is claiming is impossible. Ray J didn't even know Whitney was on the bad shit again and he says he was in San Diego the day she died.

This is like shades of Michael Jackson all over again. I can't trust Ray J, because his dick can't even look me in the eye. I can't trust Leolah, because I'm pretty sure she stole that headband from my sister who bought it in 1991 at a Judy's. The only thing I can trust is to never use Ray J as my runner boy, but I already knew that. And yes, when this bitch said "bad bag" I totally pictured THIS.

The dude who claims that Lindsay Lohan almost de-kneed him with her Porsche wants her to fart out at least $100,000 into his hands or else he's going to sell a video of her shifty crackie ways. The Iraq War veteran turned hookah lounge manager Thaer Kamal says he has surveillance video of LiLo smashing into him with her car and then trying to cover that shit up by switching seats with her passenger. Thaer has refused to talk to the police about this mess, because he's looking to get paid. This dumb ass, amateur scammer bitch obviously doesn't go here, because waiting to get paid by a Lohan is like waiting for a coked-up peen to cum. It's not going to happen anytime soon.

TMZ says that Thaer has hired high-powered lawyer Mark Geragos to work out a settlement deal with LiLo. At first, Thaer threatened to fuck with LiLo's probation by taking this so-called tape to the police, but then he changed his mind and threatened to sell it to the media instead. LiLo waved Thaer's threats away the same way she waves away dignity, because her lawyer was contacted by an insurance company investigator who claims that Mr. Hookah is a seasoned scammer and they're currently investigating him for 8 cases of fraud. The investigator says that Thaer Kama's real name is Amr Somethingoranother and he's using an alias to cover up his swindler tracks.

Instead of hiring a lawyer, Thaer should've hired a bitch to smack some sense into the scheming section of his brain. Like LiLo even has $100k! Bitch OWES the IRS $100k! LiLo's checking account is an abandoned, dilapidated warehouse filled with nothing but insufficient funds slips. Thaer is just embarrassing himself now and he has no idea who he's fucking with. I bet that White Oprah is going to e-mail Thaer and tell him to call her personally so they can talk AT LENGTH about settling. White Oprah will tell Thaer that when he calls an operator is going to ask for his checking/routing information, but that's just so she knows where to send the money. The number is 1 (888) 695-4543. And that dumb bitch is totally going to fall for it.

Kim Kartrashian is used to white loads coming at her, but a different kind of white load came all over her last night as she walked the carpet to promote her new bottle of skankafied bladder water ironically called True Reflection. These pictures of Kim looking like the entire Lohan family farted, queefed, sneezed and coughed on her at the same time were the last pictures to tuck me into bed last night and were the first pictures to wake me up this morning and it still feels like I was bombed with a bag full of HAHAHAHAs.

Both E! (aka Kuntrashian Headquarters) and TMZ say that the flour bomber was heard mumbling about "fur" or something while security took her away. Of course they want our asses to believe that this was an act from PETA getting back at those Kuntrashians for all the baby warthogs Khloe has mutilated during her midnight hunts or for all the goats Pimp Mama Kris has scarified in the name of her creator Lucifer, but BITCH PLEASE.

If it looks like a stunt, walks like a stunt and smells like warm piss on burnt plastic, it came directly from Pimp Mama Kris' pimpin' hand. This shit was so staged. The obvious sign came from Kim herself when she responded by not crying her rubber spatula face off. Kim released this statement that was obviously pre-written by her publicist:

"That probably is the craziest, unexpected, weird thing that ever happened to me. Like I said to my makeup artist, I wanted more powder and that's a whole lot of translucent powder right there."

PETA isn't taking credit for this shit and told TMZ that this video was given to them by a different anti-fur activist:

I don't care if this mess is obviously a total STUNT QUEEN move, it made my night last night and it's making my morning this morning. But I probably won't be laughing when I find out that this was all a publicity stunt to promote Kim as the new face of Argo cornstarch. I mean, cornstarch does get the piss smell out.

Jack and Jill
Went up a hill
But that lazy ho Jill made Jack carry all the pails of water. - snowpiece

Runners-up:

Jessica's delivery nurse is prepping by killing two birds with one stone. Getting buckets ready to clean up her fire-hydrant-amniotic-fluid and making sure he doesn't have to witness that mess. - AtomicCity

Just a few more weeks and the bags will be big enough for the Hugh Grant stunt man. - El Bastardo

And that is how Maggie Gyllenhaal gets her fantastically toned arms as well as her trademark Droopy Dog look. - citizenstrange

via Break.com

Brock, the Boxer who knows the right way to play catch. Get another bitch to do all the dirty work while you take all the credit. This is how a ho gets ahead in this life. You know, come to think of it, whenever I try to get my chihuahua to play catch-and-fetch, he stays lazy and makes me run across the hall to fetch it before giving it to him. Wait. What the...? That bitch is making me HIS bitch. I'm the Izzy to my dog's Brock. Here I was slow clapping for Brock! Screw Brock and screw my dog for making a dumb bitch look like a dumb bitch.

via Arbroath