Yes, I was one of the 10 trillion assholes who waited 90 minutes to see The Hunger Games (not to be confused with New York Fashion Week). Yes, I was also that asshole who threw a not-so-secret side-eye and an under the breath "stupid cunt" at the people in front of me whose group of friends magically showed up to join them in front of the line ten seconds before they let us in. (Note: That "stupid cunt" was really meant for me, because I'm mad that I didn't have friends who waited 90 minutes in line for me.) You were probably one of those assholes in line with me, because EVERYBODY went to see that Hongray shit this weekend.
Deadline says that THG beat the sparkle out of the Twatlight Saga by earning $214.25 million internationally ($155 million domestically), making it the third biggest opening of all time behind Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows - Part 2 and The Dark Knight. The last Twatlight movie opened with $138 million. That calmness you just felt was the universe sighing over the fact that every Twihard has stopped creaming...for now. Here's this weekend's top 10:
1. The Hunger Games - $155 million
2. 21 Jump Street - $21.3 million
3. Dr. Seuss’ The Lorax 3D - $13.1 million
4. John Carter 3D - $5 million
5. Act Of Valor - $2 million
6. Project X - $1.9 million
7. A Thousand Words - $1.9 million
8. October Baby - $1.7 million
9. Safe House - $1.3 million
9. Journey 2 - $1.3 million
HA @ John Carter.
For the most part, I liked The Hongray Games, but mostly because the dude across the aisle from me provided me with priceless moments like shouting "DAMN BITCH" when Katmess schooled her mother. The movie I imagined in my head while reading the book was a lot better, but that's because I pictured RuPaul as Ru, Gayle King as Gale (the movie Gale sucked) and The Silver Fox as Foxface. But you know, the people who saw John Carter probably had a better time than I did. Because the only reason to buy a ticket to John Carter is if you and your fuck piece need a private, empty and dark place to get down. Any theater showing John Carter can provide that, because nobody went to see that shit.
And here's a few ultra exciting pictures of Jennifer Lawrence buying coffee or tea or whatever at Whole Foods in Santa Monica.
On the first season of The Real Plasticwives of Beverly Hills, the porcelain cartoon dragon wrapped in candle wax that is Camille Grammar was a crazy-eyed beautiful flower of delusion who nearly melted her arch rival Kyle into a puddle with her insane glare before pouring that puddle into the sacks in her chest. On the second season, the sweet feeling of freedom and a pool full of money she got in her divorce from Kelsey Grammar calmed Camille's craziness and she was suddenly the reasonable voice of reason. Basically, Camille went from GIF-able to boring (but astonishingly gorgeous) as fuck. So because of this, Bravo has decided to let go of these hot, hot, hot moves:
"She's been in discussions and at the end decided she wasn't willing to expose her personal life anymore. She's at peace with her decision. She's in a great place in her life right now. She's grown a lot in this past year and she's made some wonderful friendships [on the show]. It has steered her life in a direction she never imagined. She's ready for new challenges."
Camille is a gold digger at heart and you have to pay to get a piece of her pube-singeing dance moves, so I'm guessing that cheap ass Bravo refused to write the correct dollar amount on her paycheck. Good decision, Camille. Camille doesn't need the money, fame and she really doesn't need to put her moneymaker (aka her stunning face) in danger, because it's only a matter of time before Taylor Armstrong self-destructs and blows up sending gallons of Juvederm flying everywhere. It's Bravo's loss. I don't know how they let go of a beauty who smartly uses her fingers to cover up a letter, so it looks like she's licking on a cup of soft serve jizz.
The Cyrus family carport might soon be filled with a lavish spread fit for a hillbilly teen bride including a moonshine fountain, a three-tier dick cake, plastic red Solo champagne flutes, a Taco Wedding Party Pack, Dr. Pepper-glazed roasted possum, squirrel kabobs and pigs in a blanket (actual pigs in an actual blanket). Because the other day, Miley Cyrus started up the hitchin' rumors by Tweeting a picture of her wearing some Cracker Jack ass ring while showing off her jaundiced-looking yeast infection nails. Then last night in Phoenix, Miley wore the same ring on that finger while out with her piece Liam Hemsworth at Muhammad Ali's Celebrity Fight Night XVVIII in Phoenix.
That isn't an engagement ring, that shit is a LOOK AT ME, Y'ALL ring. First of all, Liam doesn't have bites and scratches on his face that tell us he just topless wrestled the Cyrus family's prized pig in the abandoned field behind a Piggly Wiggly to win Miley's hand in marriage. Second of all, Miley cares about Cyrus family traditions and if she was getting married she'd wear a ring that was passed down from generation to generation. And that ring doesn't look like the band part of a Ring Pop with a Vaseline-covered pond rock on top of it, so it's obviously not a Cyrus family heirloom. Nope not, engaged. Billy Ray still has a chance!
And yes, I'm mad that Miley looks like Peaches & Cream Barbie's backwoods cousin, Pork Rinds & Cool Whip Barbie.
Jenna Talackova, the 23-year-old Miss Universe Canada finalist who was told to sashay away from the pageant permanently for reasons unknown, but the reason is obviously that she was born with a peen and turned it into a poon when she was 19. When Jenna T was named as one of the 65 finalists competing for the crown, some hos slow clapped and other hos turned their thumbs down to the fact that she was born a dude. A few days later, the Miss Universe Canada site took a magic eraser to all of Jenna T's pictures and they issued this statement about her disqualification:
"Talackova did not meet the requirements to compete despite having stated otherwise on her entry form. We do, however, respect her goals, determination and wish her the best."
Jenna told CTV News that she will keep her lips shut over this mess until she talks to a lawyer next week, because she believes she was the victim of discrimination. The Miss Canada Universe application only has two requirements: the contestant must be a Canadian citizen and has to be over 18 but under 27. Does the application say anything about plastic surgery shit? No. Does the application say anything about gender reassignment surgery? No. Jenna started on female hormones when she was 14 and underwent reassignment surgery in 2008.
Fuck those bitches. Hopefully, Jenna will sue the tragic hair wave off of Donald Trump's head. Mostly because they did her wrong but also because I'm sick of looking at that thing when my ass watches Celebrity Apprentice. And is it just me or does Jenna sort of look like Ivanka Trump halfway through morphing into Marla Maples?
Aretha Franklin (70)
Aly Michalka (23)
Jason Castro (25)
Katharine McPhee (28)
Sean Faris (30)
Danica Patrick (30)
Jenny Slate (30)
Lee Pace (33)
Édgar Ramírez (35)
Wladimir Klitschko (36)
Gigi Leung (36)
Melanie Blatt of All Saints (37)
Lark Voorhies (38)
Cathy Dennis (43)
Sarah Jessica Parker (47)
Lisa Gay Hamilton (48)
Marcia Cross (50)
Brenda Strong (52)
Daniel Boulud (57)
Bonnie Bedlia (64)
Elton John (65)
Paul Michael Glaser (69)
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Gloria Steinem (78)
Gene Shalit (86)
Eileen Ford (90)