FOX and Ryan Murphy both felt the lukewarm, whiskey-scented, Parliament-infused wrath of White Oprah after GOOP's character called her precious child "crazy" on an episode of Glee. White Oprah stumbled up to the front gate of FOX and nearly dropped the bottle of the Thunderbird in her hand as she vowed to destroy those hateful bitches for telling the truth about her meal ticket! Then White Oprah passed out on the steps and by the time one of FOX's gardeners woke her up by leaf blowing her in the face, she forgot all about it! Or at least I thought she forgot all about it, because there was no lawsuit. But look at what we have here.
TVLine says that Lindsay Lohan is "in talks" to play Lindsay Lohan in one of the last episodes of the season. I'm going to guess that the only reason this is happening is because this is part of LiLo's settlement deal with FOX, as well as White Oprah getting 7 minutes in heaven (for her, 7 minutes in the 9th circle for him) with Matthew Morrison's nipple.
A source tells TVLine that LiLo will be a "celebrity" judge at Nationals. This shit hasn't been confirmed, but FOX did confirm that Whoopi Goldberg is playing a drama school professor in several episodes.
The good news is that LiLo is playing a judge, which means she'll sit at a table, which means she can read her lines off of a prop note card sitting on the table, which means she won't have to strain her crack smoke-damaged retinas by reading a teleprompter. NO, I'm sure LiLo has really grown as an actress since her cue card-reading SNL days. LiLo will totally write her lines in dot lettering with an orange Sharpie on the palm of her hand so it looks like freckles. That's how serious actresses do it!
A Bernadette Peters side-eye is just what I needed today and it should win all the Tonys - Lainey Gossip
So who's going to come out and say that Amber Heard is like 2012's Sharon Stone - Hollywood Tuna
Meanwhile, Peter Cook also weeped after his laptop crashed while downloading porn for 8 straight hours - Celebitchy
So does this mean that MDNA doesn't come with a "Molly" tab, because that was the only reason to buy that shit - Towleroad
Does Megan Fox realize how hard it is to scrub black paint out of white wax? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
This is obviously a huge misunderstanding. Gerard Butler was drunkenly hitting on a dirty mop in a yellow bucket full of stank water and someone mistook it for Lindsay Lohan. It happens all the time. - The Superficial
John Ritter's (enter your finding here after you study the Ritter family tree) gets down to her chonies for MeInMyPlace - Popoholic
The What The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This Hall Of Fame - The Berry
The hobo hipster convention is in town - Popsugar
Matt Bomer as "Cooper Anderson." No Comment. - OMG Blog
NeNe Leakes lands a pilot while a foreclosure notice lands on Sheree's empty plot of dirt - Crunk + Disorderly
Candice Swanepoel in UK GQ - Hollywood Rag
And you thought pretending to have explosive diarrhea was a hardcore way of avoiding a job. You ain't got this on this one-footed crazy - The Daily What
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Hollywood Rag
Things that make me hate life: Finding out that a puppy is more flexible than me - Cityrag
No, this is not a picture of James Franco in Socks with Sandals: The Kevin Federline Story. This is James Franco as a trashy Feder-wannabe drug dealer on the set of Harmony Korine's Spring Breakers with Justin Bieber's diaper changer, an unidentified ginger, some girl from Pretty Little Liars, Vanessa Hudgens and Rachel Korine. When this mess eventually goes straight to motel pay-per-view, none of us need to see it since we've seen every inch of this movie thanks to the ten million paparazzi pictures from the set. If Instagram existed in 1989 and a 17-year-old party slut from Florida had one, this movie would be based on that Instagram.
And yes, it goes without typing, but I'd hit JFed until he poked out my PopoZao. (I don't know what that means either.)
Stephen King said last year that he thinks Lindsay Lohan is perfect for the title role in the movie version of one of his books and he wasn't talking about Cujo or Dolores Claiborne. Stephen was talking about the ten hundredth remake of Carrie. I'm assuming that Stephen King only said that shit because White Oprah threatened to douse him in a bucket of pig's blood (aka squat and queef over him) if he didn't. Thankfully, White Oprah didn't get to the movie's director Kimberly Pierce, because Kimberly has cast 15-year-old Chloe Moretz as Carrie instead of 55-year-old-in-the-face Lindsay Lohan.
Deadline says that MGM put out an offer to Chloe after Kimberly met with the likes of Dakota Fanning for the role. Kimberly met with Chloe last weekend and a quick minute later, a contract was dropped into her lap and she accepted that shit. Kimberly will now start searching for someone to play the Piper Laurie role. Rumor is that both Jodie Foster and Julianne Moore are being considered for Carrie's fun-hating crazy mom.
I've always had a special place in my dead heart for crazy ass Carrie. Brats made fun of Carrie for getting her period and brats made fun of me by saying it only a matter of time before I got my period. Brats threw maxi-pads at Carrie and brats threw tampons at me in the gym. (Yes, my sister regularly got free tampons, but the plastic on those things hurt!) Carrie burned those brats to the ground on prom night and I secretly wished those brats would get burned to the ground on prom night. I know Carrie and this Chloe girl is no Carrie. Homegirl is not busted enough to play Carrie. I wonder what kind of Hollywood wizardry they're going to do to her to "fugly" her up. Give her a pair of glasses, put her hair in a bun and then use my junior high school yearbook picture as inspiration for the rest of her look?! Actually, that will probably work.
Because iguanas only eat vegetables and the fear humans give off when they lick on the dried apricot-face of their creepy fake husband in public for attention, Courtney Stodden is a strict famewhoretarian and so naturally she's teamed up with PETA for a PSA. PETA lost a waxed sloth bear, but they gained a lizard goddess!
As she brings new meaning to the definition of "youthful sophistication" with her rhinestone choker and animal-tested frosted pink lipstick from Big Lots, Courtney pushes vegetarianism and says that she'll never eat a hamburger. (Bitch, stop, you know you'd bite into a cow's tit if Carl's Jr. paid you to do so.) PETA will literally take any trick off the stroll and throw her into one of their ads, so I get why they went with Courtney. But it wasn't smart of them to show Courtney talking about animal cruelty while a tortured Bizarre is sitting there, wishing that a ticket to PETA's headquarters would magically fall at his paws.
Alicia Silverstone named her son Bear Blu, so you already know she's got bark burns on her arms from hugging trees so much. Alicia is strictly vegan, doesn't wear animal shit on her body and loves Mother Nature's creatures so much that she even takes feeding tips from them. On her blog The Kind Life, Alicia told the world that she feeds her 11-month-old son by chewing on some vegan food and letting him eat it out of her mouth. And there's video too!
You know, there's a few hippie hos in my life, so I try to keep an open mind to their nature fucking ways, but what in the saliva stew hell, Cher?! I have so many questions about Alicia food frenching with her kid, so thankfully Fox411 asked a few experts to give us the pros and cons of this mess:
Dr. Jennifer Landa, M.D: “There are those who think that a mom chewing a baby’s food provides helpful enzymes from her mouth but it doesn’t seem like a hygienic practice. Various viruses and bacteria, but especially herpes virus, may be passed from mother to baby. These microbes present a challenge that the infant’s immune system may not be ready for. So the practice is questionable for safety, and then, there’s a certain ick factor here that needs to be considered.”
Family therapist Melody Brooke: “A lot of moms chew a portion of their baby’s food; it’s often a very natural transition. But this just looks really funny, like Alicia is making out with her son. There is nothing terribly wrong with it, it just looks really weird.”
Heather Lounsbury, the founder of LiveNaturalLiveWell.com: “I'm sure Alicia is brushing her teeth regularly as to not expose her baby to bacteria in her mouth. It is dangerous to try and live in a completely sterile environment, because it's impossible. And it doesn't allow for the body to fight minor infections so it can fight more serious illnesses it may be exposed to.”
It's Alicia's kid, Alicia's mouth, Alicia's chewed up food and if she's okay with her child spitting up drool into her eatin' hole, then that's okay with me and it's none of my damn business. But I'd probably have a totally different response if I was in a restaurant, eating my pancakes and watched Alicia put her food processor mouth to use by chewing up her food. I would not be amused to see little Bear's eyes light up as he tied a napkin around his neck to suck the food out of his mom's mouth. No. Take that shit to the trees, you Nelly Furtado ass ho! Flap, flap, flap! I think I see a worm up there.
TMZ says that OctoMom is a quick second away from being put out on the curb, because she hasn't paid the mortgage on her house in La Habra, CA and it's headed for the auction block on Thursday. So what's a fame whoring mother of a baby brigade supposed to do to put her seventy million chirruns into a new house? Get them titties out for a British tabloid, of course! Closer Magazine (via DM) handed Octo a $10,000 check to pay the rent on her new house and she gave them this image that is probably making your throat give birth to an octoheave.
Octo didn't only bare her temple of a million fetuses body for Closer, she also talked to them about how she's a wonderful mother and how even though her uterus is KO'ed out for good, her body magically bounced back after she hatched out 8 kids.
On how everybody sees her as a crazy bitch who shouldn't even be in charge of raising 8 Tamagotchis, but she's really the epitome of a perfect mother: "The kids have structure and discipline and only eat healthily, they don’t know what candy is! I’ve done a really great job with them. I don’t get any credit."
On how she dims her natural sexy so that men won't hit on her: "I get too much male attention, but I won’t date until the octuplets are 18 - I live for them. I know a lot of women like male attention, but I’ll go out with no make-up on and wear tracksuits, a wig and even a fake pregnancy stomach to put them off."
On how she eats like a horse (pause for your laugh) and how her body is like a rubber band: "I just pinged back into shape like a rubber band after the kids, I don’t know how I did it. I eat like a horse, don’t count calories and have never owned a set of scales. I gained an entire human when I was pregnant with the octuplets, going from 10st (140lbs) to over 19st (266lbs), but two months later, I was a size 8 again. Now, I never weigh myself."
Yup, bitch is still crazy. Men aren't slobbering over her with their eyes, they're running from her insane ass, because they're afraid that if they stand too close they'll knock her ass up. Bitch's body didn't magically ping back into shape, unless by "ping back into shape" she means that a plastic surgeon pulled her stomach skin all the way up to her neck. Sadly, even after the entire Extreme Makeover: Home Edition crew renovated her body, she still has two gorilla landing strips for brows. How dreadful. Octo should take some of that $10k and use it to pay for a date with an eyebrow artiste. So she won't look like a topless Groucho Marx the next time she poses half-naked for rent money.
Sarah Tressler is a professional pussy poppin' stripper who works as a society columnist for the Houston Chronicle by day, and her colleagues are apparently all kinds of pissed at her, because she openly writes about her night job on her blog Diary of an Angry Stripper (book deal + HBO series in 3..2..). Diary of an Angry Stripper is now private, but thanks to Gawker and Google cache, your eyes can still eat pieces of it here.
In one of her posts, Sarah writes about how interviewing certified douche Jeremy Piven for UsWeekly led to his tongue putting her pussy to sleep. Sarah worked as an intern for UsWeekly and one of their reporters sent her to a club in NYC to ask him a bunch of stupid questions. Before this, Sarah says that she wet dreamed about smearing her coochie all over The Piv's canned hair while watching Entourage once. So when Sarah had the chance to hit that, she took it. When Sarah got to his apartment, she started to make small talk before The Piv shushed her up by letting her know that he wasn't interested in getting into her brain. And then, he went down:
GIVE ME THE GREEN LIGHT … GIVE ME JUST ONE NIGHT – I’M READY TO GO RIGHT NOW
This is a good song, I thought as his head maneuvered somewhere below my waist. I was kind of also watching TV – a football game was on mute – and finally starting to come to the realization that John Legend was worth all the hype he was getting at the Sundance Film Festival the previous year.
Sex with someone new is always awkward, and sex with someone new who’s also the object of my celebrity schoolgirl desire is very awkward and not enjoyable, no matter how much I want it to be. I alternated between being nervous that I was not as hot as his last hookup, being amazed that I was looking at Entourage’s Ari Gold eat my pussy, and being bored with how mundane it was. It was all somewhat disappointing, frankly.
To make matters worse, I caused a minor accident that could have been disastrous. I get a bit lively when I’m being intimate, and I threw a pillow off to the side at one point, which landed on the nightstand. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a flash of light.
“Jeremy! The candle – !”
Candlelight is so cliché, anyway.
It's not surprising to hear that Jeremy Piven has the Ambien of tongues, but it is surprising to hear that he actually licks chocha. Here I was thinking that Jeremy Piven is a selfish slut who only cares about getting his. I pictured him transforming into a Russian gymnast coach during fuck times and yelling orders like, "Lick this! Suck this! Bite this! Hop on this! Twerk this! Don't yank at the head rug!" I'm not sure I believe this. The Piv doesn't care about the pleasure of others! Did Sarah have a full Brazilian at the time? If she didn't, then I know what he was up to. That wasn't his tongue on her crotch, that was a waxing strip and he was just collecting her pubes to make a toupee! That's the real story.
That being said, Sarah should have her vagina checked for mercury just in case....
And to clear the image in your head of The Piv putting a pussy to sleep, here's a palate cleanser in the form of the other kind of pussy sleeping:
I guana fuck you like an animal. - christine the hoff
I'd whisper in your ear but you don't have any. - Whamo
Don't be mad, baby. Daddy still loves your famewhorin' leg. - mamabraxas
"Hey baby. You probably recognize me from the Geico ads. Maybe I could get you a role in my next commercial." - I am Legend
Anthony Davis' Immaculate Unibrow!
Anthony Davis of the Kentucky Wildcats is supposed to be the greatest college basketball player in the country (whatever that means!) and obviously he owes everything to the free of flaws hair wings above his eyes. That shit is so majestic it's like Icarus' daddy built it. Anthony's single brow of perfection has taken a life of its own. It has its own t-shirt, Anthony's mom has worn a unibrow mask to one of his games, Kim Kardashian's publicist has tried to set up a photo-op date with it (Don't do it, monobrow!), psychics say it's the reincarnation of Frida Kahlo's unibrow, Raven's chewed up brows have asked it for a brow donation and Bert's team is currently working on a smear campaign (example allegations: it once had a single brow hair abortion via tweezing and it once tested positive for using performance-enhancing growth shampoo) to take it down.
I've never seen Anthony in action, but if I watched him in slow motion, I'm sure I'd watch his unibrow spread like the Phoenix and fly him directly to the hoop. Yes, I'm a slave to perfectly plucked chola brows, but I'd never take a pair of tweezers to Anthony's singular sensation. Anthony's unibrow is so powerful that it would probably break my tweezer tips and whip my wrist back. It will remain untouched! Anthony's unibrow is totally my #1 unibrow draft pick! (Sorry, Bert).