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Yes, Carson Daly somehow found a way to exist past 2002. Carson currently hosts The Voice (I know you thought that the wooden dummy from Magic hosted The Voice. I'm sorry to drop a sad on you like that.) and also has some kind of radio show. I don't know what Carson talks about on his radio show, because I'd rather shove my ear in a cow's ass than listen to his voice. But Carson said some shit this morning that got him onto TMZ. When talking about the JetBlue pilot whose mental state QUIT THIS BITCH during a flight a from NYC to Las Vegas, Carson Daly joked that if the flight was full of gay dudes headed for a floral convention ("Good one, Carson!" - Tommy Girl), they would've been too scared to break a nail to jump in.

"Most of the people were on their way to some sort of security conference in Las Vegas ... it was like a bunch of dudes and well trained dudes ... thank god." He then went on, "With my luck, it would be like ... 'this is the flight going to [the gay pride parade] in San Francisco ... I mean, that would be my colleagues." He then did a lovely stereotypically "gay" voice and said, "Uh, we're headed down to Vegas for the floral convention."

Here's the audio if your ears need that tonight:

Carson has since said he's sowwy.

Carson Daly's head is filled with nothing but saw dust and old Dick Clark farts, so I'm actually surprised he came up with that himself. You know, Carson's joke is whatever to me, but I can't say it's true. First of all, I'd Vaseline up and pounce on a pilot for keeping me from the buffets and dime slots in Vegas. Second of all, Carson's factory-defected frog puppet ass would be too busy Tweeting to do shit. Third of all, Carson obviously hasn't seen a brawl outside of a gay club at 3am, because that shit is like no other.

The most offensive part of all of this is that I'm typing Carson Daly's name and the year is 2012.

Taylor Swift, please fluff yourself up, because B.Coop is shopping for beards again now that his contract with Zoe Saldana did not get renewed :( - Lainey Gossip

Claudia Schiffer goes back to Guess and either she's been blessed by Photoshop or she's been smearing her face with the same creamed fetuses Jared Leto smears his ageless face with - The Berry

I hate my 8-year-old self for wearing this same outfit in the 80s - Hollywood Tuna

The graceful CoCo's cartoon ass in cartoon pants - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

As Blue Ivy turns blue from suffocating under all that furry blueness - Celebitchy

Do tongues not exist in heaven, because that kiss with Jon Hamm had a grand total of zero - Towleroad

And the Oscar for Best Nalgas Cinematography goes to... - The Superficial

Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing one of Anita Bryant's old ones - Popoholic

"Right on schedule..." said Pimp Mama Kris with a proud sigh - IDLYITW

Punky, now you know you aren't allowed to leave the house without Brandon - ICYDK

If Suri is really Katie's stylist, then Suri obviously hates her - Popsugar

This is me always. Can't you tell? - Videogum

Jessie Spano was high on caffeine pills, what's Tim Tebow's excuse? - OMG Blog

Amber Heard's dog better piss on her favorite dildo for doing that shit to it - Just Jared

Can the ASPCA please open an investigation into what kind of animal died on Ciara's head? - Crunk + Disorderly

Does this mean there will be 6 more weeks of play time? - The Daily What

Andy Cohen loves all kind of ass - Cityrag

But did Urkel end every verbal beating with "Did I do that?" - Hollywood Rag

We're doing trailers for trailers now - I'm Not Obsessed

Mark Steines is off of Entertainment Tonight - SOW

While promoting Battleshit with Taylor Kitsch and Brooklyn Decker at a press conference in London today, RiRi was asked about her maybe piece Ashton Kutcher by a reporter from ITN and the alien-headed one was not pleased at all. In case you don't know the goings on of RiRi's vagina, she was papped showing up to Ashton Kutcher's house at midnight the other night and The Sun says she's been popping her coochie on Kutchie for the past 8 weeks. Cut to this afternoon when Reporter Sarah dropped a sneak attack on RiRi. Sarah started her question one way and just when you thought it was about to go another, she pulled out the "So if I sniffed your mouth would I smell Ashton's dick?" question on RiRi.

Sarah: Hi, Sarah from ITN. Rihanna, this is a question for you. I have no doubt that all of your fans are coming to see this film. You know, you have so many. And you're so good with connection with people that I think that we actually feel we know you. Things are clearly going brilliantly in your career. I just wondered if you are as happy in your private life. Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here?

RiRi: Wow, how disappointing was that question.

Moderator: Should we move on to another one?

RiRi: Absolutely. I'm happy and I'm single, if that's what you're really asking.

It was a disappointing question, because RiRi was there as a serious actress and she should only be expected to answer questions about her tour de force, emotionally raw performance in the culturally important art house film Battleship. What was Sarah from ITN supposed to ask RiRi about? I wish Sarah would've asked RiRi why she's wearing Lindsay Lohan's old hair. I mean, wow, how disappointing is that wig. But really, what would be a better question? Did RiRi expect Sarah to ask about her creative process when getting into character? We all know the answer to that shit. RiRi gets into character by smoking a fat blunt in the bathroom. That's also her process for getting ready to answer questions in a press conference, because ho looks as stoned as I wish I was right now.

Don't you hate it when you wake up the morning after and the only thing you have to remember about your fuck piece from the night before is a splinter in your ass, bark burns on your stomach, its sticky love syrup on your fingers and a bite from a palm weevil on your tongue? Don't you wish you can relive all those beautiful, tree-fucking moments all over again? Well, now you can thanks to the dude who recorded you barking up the RIGHT tree while high on the wrong shit at the Ultra Music Festival. Girl, you better have rubbed your coochie in some Herbicide afterward, because the last thing you need is to pop out a sapling in nine months.

via Gawker

I really hate it when a flyer for a no-rules gay bathhouse crashes into a magazine ad for Metamucil's new shower gel before landing on an invitation for a Florida sorority toga party. This is the teaser poster for TNT's Dallas 2.0 and yes, I too feel like I just woke up in the shower and realized that the last season of my life was all a dream and the new season of my life is a NIGHTMARE where a half-naked Larry Hagman is looking at you like he's about to pull out his peenstol and shoot you for a change.

We've got Linda Gray looking gorgeous (I can't trust a bitch who shades Linda Gray), Josh Henderson looking like a Craigslist masseuse you can't trust, Larry Hagman looking like the steam is tickling the silver hairs on his prune sacks something good and Jordana Brewster looking straight out of Public Access' version of The Client List. Then there's Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe keeping the ad campaign PG-13 by covering up his tits, Brenda Strong and some stranger girl named Julie Golanzo.

What I've learned from this is that the Dallas casting directors temporarily camped out on Wisteria Lane's cross street waiting to pick up Desperate Housewives' cast-offs. And if this poster is anything to go by, then Dallas 2.0 is going to be a broke, cheesy disaster that'll leave me wanting a good scrubbing to the retinas. I can't wait!

The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!

Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:

“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”

Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some.

If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.

Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas!

I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind.....

Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did.

Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight.

The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more.

UsWeekly has a picture of humanized Pixie stick Michelle Williams holding hands with Jason Segel in his coat pocket while strolling through Brooklyn four days ago. Either Michelle is super meta and is playing Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe as Lindsay Lohan and is pickpocketing Jason right under his eyes, or these two are in looooooove. UsWeekly says it's the latter and a source tells them that Jason has been spending time in Brooklyn with Michelle and her kid.

Michelle and Jason met through their friend Busy Phillips a long ass time ago, but they only recently started farting hearts out of their eyes for each other. One source says, "She hasn't been this happy in a long time." This is probably why Jason temporarily tore his heart off of his sleeve and placed it into the hands of his Twitter followers a few weeks ago (Jason has since deleted that shit):

Honestly a totally hypothetical question but I'm curious. If I fell in love would you guys be happy?

We don't even know each other and you guys want me to be happy. I'm not being sarcastic at all when I say that actually means a lot.

It's come to this. This is why you should not operate Twitter while under the influence of the drug known as LOVE. Did Jason really get on one knee and ask his followers for permission to hump a piece full-time? I just...no. You might see this as cute, but I see this as some shit that is going to put me in a neck brace from shaking my head so much.

I've only seen one picture of Jason with Michelle and I can already tell that they're THAT couple. You know, that couple who is like kryptonite to us bitter old bitches. Like I was at some grocery store in California a couple of weeks ago, and a couple like THAT was in front of me in the checkout line. The girl kissed on her man's neck and said, "Tell me you love me." And he goes, "I love you, baby." And she goes, "Tell me again." And he goes, "I love love love you." And she goes, "One more time." And he goes, "I love you infinity." And I wanted to go, "Tell me to punch both of you gross bitches in the face, because I really want to," but I was too busy trying to stop the barf from splashing against my teeth.

Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus!

Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine:

"They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first."

In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that!

When your dick grows arms and a tail, you know it's time to take the catheter out. - Orangina

Runners-up:

Animals everywhere are supporting the anti-PETA "I'd rather be naked than have Courtney Stodden represent me" campaign. - Sweetas

View of Snookie's unborn child being nourished by her amniotic fluid. - Lenalena

It is nice to see Keith Richards using straws in a more positive way these days. - RealiTEE

via Break