Scenes from Jerry Lee Lewis' 7th wedding: You know it's forever love when the bride looks exactly like the groom in drag - Hollywood Rag
This is one of those times when I really wish I was Micaela Schaefer's father, so that I could clutch at my chest while saying, "Ich bin so stolz." - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Ben Affleck is back to sucking on fags - Celebitchy
My vote for Nora in the The Thin Man remake goes to Johnny Depp in drag - Lainey Gossip
The Empress of Lucite does it better. Always. - The Superficial
Stacy Keibler B.C. (Before Clooney) - Hollywood Tuna
A gay hating, cane-wiedling, batshit crazy granny ain't the one - Towleroad
Somewhere, somehow, someone is Photoshopping a peen over that hot sauce bottle - The Berry
Watching the workers put up that background was probably more exciting than watching Ashley Greene pose in front of it - Popoholic
Poke at me when there's a Rhythm Syndicate reunion - The Daily What Gossip
Beyonce can keep that tacky crib, I'll take the delivery dudes - Crunk + Disorderly
Halle Berry really wants you to see her engagement ring - Popsugar
Elton John wants his EVERYTHING (even the wig) back - ICYDK
The CGI Calista Gingrich looks more lifelike than the real life Calista Gingrich - OMG Blog
Shampoo: Ben Affleck finally discovered it - Just Jared
Obi-Wan Catnobi - Cityrag
The universe got stoned one night and somehow decided that Robbie Williams should be a father - I'm Not Obsessed
When Les Misérables the movie comes later this year and your soul really feels warmly touched by the intensely raw emotions coming off of Anne Hathaway, just know that her face isn't straining because death is slowly taking her as she worries about the future of her child. It's because the bitch is damn hongray! Bitch is a dreaming a dream that involves candy bars, a long five-course dinner at Outback and 7 minutes in Jessica Simpson's pantry.
The Mirror says that the powers-that-be told Anne Hathaway they need her to get down to Taylor Armstrong levels of malnourishment to pull off her (SPOILER ALERT) death bed scenes. Anne has only 20 days to lose a total of 16 pounds, taking her from a size 6 to a size 2. Every day, Anne wakes up, asks herself "WWLRE (What would LeAnn Rimes Eat?)" and nibbles on a couple of apples and a protein shake. Anne is working with a doctor who is monitoring her 500 calories-a-day diet. The source explains, “Anne is playing a destitute factory worker-come-lady of the night. Unfortunately, she only has 15 to 20 days to lose as much weight as possible – up to a stone-and-a-half – because she’s been filming the scenes showing her fit and healthy, almost slightly chubby. It’s not ideal but, as with any high-budget movie, there are strict time constraints. Anne knows the risk of such an extreme diet and will undergo weekly medicals to make sure everything is still functioning as it should do.”
I'm pretty sure that I put 500 calories in my body just from gargling with bubble gum-flavored Act mouthwash (FOR KIDS!), so if I wanted to lose 16 pounds, I'd have to pull a Tami Roman by wiring my jaw shut and finding a way to belt those songs without opening my mouth. But we shouldn't feel sorry for Anne. Anne is getting paid millions of dollars to eat like a Posh for a couple of measly weeks. Insert starvingchildrenoftheworldnotamused.jpeg here.
During a concert in Philadelphia the other night, Bruce Springsteen threw his 62-year-old ass into the crowd and touched the hands of the people before collapsing into one of the chairs. At around the 1:30 mark, one of Bruce's fans hands him a cup of the sweet nectar and he eventually empties it into his stomach bag. Like a boss, etc.... But you know, while watching this I hoped that the camera would pan to the fan who handed Bruce that cup and show us the face of Carrie from My Strange Addiction. Tip: Whenever somebody hands you a cup of something warm and golden, look to see if it's coming from Carrie so you know what your tongue is getting into.
Selling Quarter Pounders is the gateway drug to selling poundings for a quarter (or a little more) is what one former ho is claiming. Shelley Lynn has filed a lawsuit against McDonald's in federal court claiming that Ronald McDonald and his company of pussy merchants led her to selling her Filet O'Fish at the Chicken Ranch in Nevada. Shelley claims that if she never worked at McDonald's in 1982, she never would've met her future pimp/husband and she never would've taken up to 12 peens a night in a brothel. 12 peens in a night may sound like a dream to some of you sluts out there (it also sounds like the beginning of the recipe for pink slime), but it wasn't one for Shelley.
The NYDN says that Shelley's road to peddling poon started when Keith Handley hired her to work behind the counter at a McDonald's in Arroyo Grande, CA in 1982. Shelley claims in her lawsuit that a little while after she mixed business with pleasure by dating Keith, he convinced one of his managers to fire her for some shit she didn't do. That left Shelley vulnerable and hard up for money to pay her bills. Shelley says that Keith continued to wrap her around his finger by buying her a house in Las Vegas in 1986.
Keith then pressured Shelley to get a job as a legal hooker at the Chicken Ranch so she'd earn enough money to pay him back for the house. Shelley gave in to Keith and thanks to her 12 dicks a night average she qickly became one of the tops hos at the Chicken Ranch. Shelley eventually married Keith in 1988 but they later split.
Shelley, who also names her ex-husband's company in the lawsuit, is suing McDonald's for failing "to conduct a due diligence into the moral character of Handley when it sold franchises to him.” Shelley wants cash for lost wages, special damages, negligence punitive damages and for sex trafficking damages.
This bitch is BOLD as all hell and I'm lovin' it! Who ever connected the 5 Billion Served sign on her coochie to McDonald's is a genius. Sure, there's a few holes in her case, but I'm with her one hundred percent. Just look at Ronald McDonald. Ronald McDonald has a red fro, shoes from 6th Street, a creepy grin and a yellow-gloved pimp hand. Of course, he's in the coochie game. Poor Bridie is probably giving beak jobs in the back for a bag of McSeed.
I hope Shelley sues the white off of Ronald's face. And when she's done with that, can she please pass me her lawyer's business card. Because I worked for Disneyland one summer and there must be a way to blame them for me being a non-paid whore.
Your eyeballs can thank the blonde in the background for rolling her eyes so they don't have to. Give your eyeballs the day off, they deserve it.
Here's Xtina making sight balls do the wave while sitting courtside with her paid piece Matthew Rutever and Christina Milian at the Lakers game in L.A. last night. In all seriousness, Xtina usually looks like a Snooki and Hatchet Face drunk swirl, so besides the Count Chocula ass brows, the Hamburglar ass shirt, the Fritos Chili Cheese ass skin and the skid mark ass blush, she looks good! Did I miss anything?
Ron Burgundy as Ron Burgundy announced on Conan a couple of nights ago that you will see more of Anchorman in the near future. This is a DO WANT sequel. Well, Hollywood always knows how to take the pucker out of your asshole, because now they're giving us a DO NOT WANT sequel. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal is working on a sequel to 1988's Twins called Triplets (...ugh) starring Arnold Schwarzenegger, Danny DeVito and Eddie Murphy as their third brother. You can't spell Arnold Schwarzenegger Danny DeVito Eddie Murphy without A-P-R-I-L-P-H-O-O-L-S (yes, you can but just go with it). Unfortunately, this isn't a joke.
Ivan Rietman is the producer on Triplets and he's currently looking for a writer and director to bring this cinematic nightmare to life. Arnold, Danny and Eddie have all agreed to do this.
Arnold, Danny and Eddie each have enough money to build themselves 30,000 square foot mansions out of $100 bills, so they can't only be doing this for a check. Why are they doing this to us? Hollywood is splattering our eyes with this dirty diaper mess, but yet they haven't given us a sequel to Big Business called Bigger Business (starring Bette, Lily and Mo'Nique.) Or a sequel to Outrageous Fortune called Outrageouser Fortune? Triplets it not what I ordered! Take it back. I'd rather Alicia Silverstone bird-feed me January Jones' placenta than watch this mess.
There's a good reason for why Kate Winslet looks like a tidal wave of vom just splashed into her mouth and she's trying to hold it together. You can assume it's because somewhere nearby someone is playing "My Heart Will Go On" and it's tickling the wet heaves out of her throat. When that mess first came out, you couldn't escape it. It was like musical lice. Millions of car radios were destroyed, because radio stations played that shit on a non-stop loop. I knew shit had gone too far when one of my friend's told me that a singer at a funeral sang that song in Spanish while holding a rose and even did the "I'm flying, Jack!" pose during the last note. Ayúdame, no puedo! Well, Kate Winslet also can't stand that song and she told MTV News (via UsWeekly) that it's like activated charcoal for her soul:
"I wish I could say, 'Oh listen, everybody! It's the Celine Dion song!' But I don't, I just have to sit there, you know, kind of straight-faced with a massive internal eye roll. [It makes me] feel like throwing up. It's thrilling for people to surprise me with the Celine Dion song."
I know that a lot of people ejaculate maple syrup out of their ear holes from listening to the French Canadian nightingale voice of Celine Dion, but maybe Celine's voice is the reason why the song makes Kate die inside. I bet Kate will be rocked the right way while listening to the only version the world needs:
On an episode of The Mah Boo Fun Time Hour of Giggles airing today, The Silver Fox puts his giggle on hold to talk to Michelle Duggar's partner in populating, OctoMom, about those awkward half-nekkid pictures of her pulled and pricked baby machine making body in Closer Magazine. TMZ said that Octo pulled her chichis out for ten thousand dollars, but she tells Anderson that she got $1,000 for each octuplet. For those of you who have the adding skills of a Simpson, that's $8,000! I couldn't even get an offer of 8 expired game tickets from Bullwinkle's to put my nipples on display, so good on you, Octo.
Octo also tells Anderson that she shit on most of the offers thrown at her (including a $1 million offer from Vivid to give birth to a peen, backwards), because they went against her morals. But when the eviction notices started piling up on her doorstep and she was a checking account withdrawal away from the homeless shelter, she loosened her morals and pulled her top off. But it was a hard decision for Octo. Octo spent more time thinking about taking her clothes off than she spent thinking about whether or not she should let a back alley certified doctor shove 8 fucking embryos up into her body. But before Octo said yes to undress, she gathered her 14 children around and talked it over with them. Octo's oldest kid is around 10 years old and her youngest are all 3 years old, so that conversation must have been fun for everyone around:
Octo: "Okay, kids, we're thisclose to selling mud pies on the freeway off ramp, so mama has to pull her feeding bags out for rent money. All in favor, raise your hands. Oh damn, I can't see anything. I don't know if it's because the lights are off in my head or if it's because ConEd turned the lights off in the house again."
Octo is doing what she has to do to put half of Food 4 Less on the dinner table each night, but how many more $8k offers is she going to get? Octo is going about it the wrong way. What she needs to do is put all of her 14 kids in brown curly wigs down to their ankles and find a way to get them to the Duggar compound. Michelle Duggar won't even notice, and if she does, put those 14 kids in flowers costumes. Because the three things Michelle Duggar can't say no to are: her own children, flowers and Jim Bob's sperm. (Plan C: Put those 14 kids in Jim Bob sperm fish costumes.)
Kim K's regulars calculate the odds of getting kidney failure before she's satisfied. - MrsPotatoHead
Let's see if I have the formula right....size of penis - underpants + tightness of pants = bulge to beltbuckle ratio....Mike, we gotta get tighter pants or smaller belt buckles. - TFBuckFutter
Jessica Simpson's Amniotic Fluid Relief Team practice for the big day. - BaconSlut
This is what the script for "Good Will Hunting" looked like before Matt Damon's input. - parissucksliterally
via Gravy Holocaust
Johanna Quaas, the 86-year-old gymnast who slayed most of us younger hos with her floor routine at the 2012 Cottbus World Cup in Germany this week. Madge isn't the only limber granny who can slip into a leotard to throw her crotch up in the air, Johanna can do that to and how. The only thing I know about Johanna is that she's 86, has been doing gymnastics since her 20s, was a member of the East German handball champion team and do this better than any of us:
As the 12th best student (out of 11 total students, I don't know how that happened either) in my junior gymnastics class at SCATS ("Too easy." - you), I give this tumbling memaw the Werther's Original medal in YES!!! Johanna can flip, stretch and kick around like her bones are made of Slinkies while my hip bone pops out of its socket when I just think about doing a cartwheel.
When I'm 86, I hope to be at least 1/20th as limber as Johanna is, but not because I want to be a geriatric gymnast or some shit. I want to be as limber so that I can easily whip neighborhood brats with a switch when they interrupt my drinking on the porch time.