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As your ass already knows, 12 advertisers of Rush Limbaugh's radio show dropped like a dick coming off of Viagra after he called Georgetown student Sandra Fluke a slut and prostitute for testifying before congress (after she was denied the first time) that she thinks insurance companies and schools need to include birth control in their drug plans. Just like Rush, noted dumb fuck Patricia Heaton thought Sandra Fluke was saying that taxpayers should pay for birth control, which personally I wouldn't mind. If birth control was free and you could easily get it all sorts of places including the bar, humanity wouldn't be shaking in fear over the spawn of Snookicoming at us in a few months. But that's just me, and Patricia Heaton obviously disagrees with this, because bitch let out a steaming pile of CRAZY on her Twitter last week. Patricia went after Sandra Fluke and while doing so, offered up some shitty money-saving tips. You can thank Aunt Patty later:

After a whole lot of shit came at Patricia for Tweeting this mess, she shut down her account before opening it back up a few days later to apologize to Sandra Fluke for not showing "Christ's love." Okay, but Patricia also needs to apologize to us sluts for giving us some bunk ass money-saving tips. I mean, turn your panties inside/out so you only have to do laundry every 2 weeks and will have enough money to buy birth control? Everybody knows that sluts don't wear panties! That tip does not apply to us. Chonies just get in the way. That's why my slut uniform is a jumpsuit with booties sewn into the legs. One piece to slip off and one piece to slip on.

Also, is Patricia serious with that whole "stop buying toothpaste and soap so no one will want to sleep with you" thing. Stupid bitch is just embarrassing herself now. Ho has obviously never heard of these two words: GERARD BUTLER! That slut has taint mold for days and yet he still gets heaping amounts of ass. Oh Patricia, you obviously need more sluts in your life.

via Hollywood Reporter

Dozens of outtakes from Darren Criss' topless People Magazine spread have come out and I'm just going to leave them here for you while I wonder how I should feel about his Count Chocula brows - Towleroad

Michelle Williams and Jason Segel had a moment together at Chateau Marmont, but I think the real story is here is that the Chateau's resident crackhead Lindsay Lohan didn't drop out of the air conditioning vents to rage at Michelle for stealing the role she was reincarnated to play! - Lainey Gossip

Don't fuck with Martha - Celebitchy

Don't let anybody tell you that taking a ride on the Bang Bus doesn't leave to a bright future in cinema - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

We're living in a world where Justin Bieber can buy a $10 million mansion - The Superficial

Jamie Pressly's ass is side smiling at us - Hollywood Tuna

Miley Cyrus' piece in GQ - The Berry

Mila Kunis in Bazaar - Popoholic

Charlie Sheen in Teeths of Meth - ICYDK

Zac Efron's bonus for The Lorax is going to buy him a lot of gold condoms - OMG Blog

Willow Smith's head is celebrating St. Patrick's Day early - Just Jared

Usher gave Justin Bieber a hummer for his birthday - The Daily What

Ole girl in the green lives in Belize, but I bet she's never felt the heat like this before - Popsugar

I kept waiting for her solitary laugh to turn into a solitary slow weep - Videogum

BREAKING: Kingston Rossdale dyed his hair back - SOW

Just like 99% of society, Bethenny Frankel's husband doesn't like her ass - Hollywood Rag

My thoughts and prayers are with Fantasia's crotch at this time, because it must be going through some serious shit while trapped in that velvet catsuit of NO - Crunk + Disorderly

They obviously teach Gold Digging 101 in preschool now, because Baby Brahim wants to marry Madge - I'm Not Obsessed

Miley Cyrus models the latest in hillbilly jogging wear - Cityrag

CROCs and Uggs have some company on the shelf in the DSW franchise located on the ninth circle in HELL! Kanye West keeps trying to be the greatest gift to fashion since the dildo dress and so he designed these dried jizz ball shoes with Giuseppe Zanotti last year. You'd think that fugly shoes like this would immediately be confiscated by the government, sent to torture camps and used by security guards to punish the inmates by making them wear these things while looking in a foot mirror. But no, anybody can buy them now.

Colette in Paris started selling these Kanye shoes and for just $5,887 you too can look like a bushel of anal beads just blew up all over your feet. Yes, SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS! I wake up every morning hoping that someone busts a pearl necklace on my feet, but I don't want to pay $6,000 to get it. If you do, then why don't you just pay me $3,000 to down a cup of bubble tea before barfing all over your feet. It'll look the same and probably be less painful for you.

That top part looks like someone's beaded bowel movement. Dr. Oz would say that someone is extremely healthy since their shits are banana-shaped, but there's nothing healthy about putting that shit on your feet.

via HuffPo

The Grammys should've been shut down the day they announced the nominations and didn't put Kim Zolciak's "Tardy for the Party" in every category. The Grammys now have a chance to right that wrong, because the Adele of The Real Housewives of Atlanta has released a preview of her fourth single called "Love Me First (Love Me Wigs Second)." (Please, like Kim loves anything else.)

This country lullaby is so beautiful that it will make your ears purge out its drums since they've heard everything now. You can tell that Kim has truly grown as a musical artist and by that I mean she's been taking vocal lessons with Piano Dog.

via Too Fab

If the sanctity of motherhood is going down, it's going to take whatever corroded pieces are left of the sanctity of marriage with it. That sound of two shotguns cocking (side note: That sounds kind of hot, but it's not in this case.) you just heard was from humanity putting the barrel up to its heart and from a shotgun practicing Snooki's wedding march. Because People says that not only is an Oompa Loompa fetus getting drunk in Snooki's pickled womb, but she's also engaged to her midget Hulk boyfriend Jionni LaValle. While I love the name Snooki LaValle since it sounds like the name of a John Waters character played by Pia Zadora, I cannot condone this mess. This is not going to end well FOR ALL OF US!

As the employees of New Jersey's Child Protective Services cheer this news because it means they'll all have jobs for the next 18 years, Snooki's ex-piece Emilio Masella tells TMZ that he hopes she has a miscarriage:

“I hope for her sake … not to be rude or anything … but I hope she has a miscarriage. When I was with her, she said she wanted twins. She would always say ‘Let’s have twins.’ I would def recommend her to get a paternity test to see who the father is because I’m sure there are other subjects. Vinny could easily be the father.”

Snooki shouldn't get her feelings hurt over that shit, because Emilio totally didn't mean to be rude or anything. We should all learn from this roid-damaged piece of douchewad shit. Whenever you're about to fist pump a trick in their emotional place by saying some truly fucked up shit, start off by saying "not to be rude or anything" and you won't hurt their feelings. Let's try it! Not to be rude or anything, Emilio, but I hope the earth miscarries you by spitting you out into the universe. See! It actually sounds nice. I should go back and add "not to be rude or anything" to every sentence I've ever written.

And here's the soon-to-be mother of every year, JWoww and their pieces shooting their reality show in Jersey City yesterday.

Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson's son Chester Hanks (it's "Chet Haze" if you cut your Alize with Summer's Eve) has already murdered the white boy rap game by spittin' rhymes that sounds like an Enimen queef and now he's killing heterosexual relationships everywhere by Tweeting pictures of his humble nipples. Chet posted this picture of his nipples and a background blonde (who is probably happy that Chet is too busy humping the camera to hump her) and continued to fart out a shrine to himself by posting another one:

If you're a dick-loving woman with a boyfriend, then I'm sure you just changed your Facebook status from "in a relationship" to "HAZED!!!!!!" Chet knows the kind of effect he has on chochas and apologized to all boyfriends everywhere for luring their girlfriends to the HAZE side.

Chet then made thousands of gays fart out the broken pieces of their hearts after he let it be known that he's NO HOMO:

I swear, my eyeballs smell like a clean pussy now, because doucheness is dripping off of each of those Tweets.

In case you couldn't tell from Chet's tattoo that looks like the mascot of a bank run by The Fellowship of the Sun, Chet Haze is dumber than a box of chocolates. I mean, I'm so fucking stupid that the other night I tried to get into my apartment for a good 30 seconds before realizing I was on the wrong floor, but whenever I want to feel smarter I just go to Chet's Twitter page. It's as if Tom Hanks made Chet Haze while in character as Forrest Gump. Yes, Tom Hanks is so good at acting that he even cums in character.

Oh, this piece of Chet. So pretty, yet so douchey.

via Buzzfeed

Prepare yourselves for a spawn of John Mayer, because with the way things are going his David Duke jizz is going to knock up a ho in no time. It's a terrifying trend! Nick Lachey announced on Live with Kelly (via People) this morning that just like Tony Romo, he's an ex-piece of Jessica Simpson who is going to be somebody's father soon. Nick said that he and his wife Vanessa Minnillo are expecting a baby friend this summer or fall.

"She was in New York and I was in the Bahamas. She went to the store and got a pregnancy test and it came back positive. We're having a baby! This is the one thing that more than any other I've looked forward to, and it's overwhelming.

If it's a girl, I think it might be Sophia. If it's a boy, I'm not sure."

Somewhere in California, Papa Joe is trying to lure Jessica's unborn baby out with a deep fried Pop Tart and butter sandwich, because they need to beat Vanessa Minillowhatever and her unborn baby to the cover of People Magazine. But Jessica has been knocked up for so long that Vanessa's going to pop out her second and third kid while a fully developed adult leg hangs out of Jessica's cooch.

But seriously, this is wonderful news, because Nick Lachey's glorious leche mounds should not go to waste. Those man titties were made for breastfeedin'.

I don't know what's more terrifying: those jorts or LeAnn Rimes bestiality beej face?

LeAnn Rimes and her arch rival Brandi Glanville both resisted the urge to beat each other in the head with their rock hard titty balls and temporarily put all their differences aside for the sake of the kids a photo-op! During Brandi and Eddie Cibrian's son's soccer game in L.A. yesterday, she put on a manufactured smile for the cameras even though she knew there was a good chance she would get kicked in the froat by one of LeAnn's studded hooves. But LeAnn didn't do that. The malnourished Falcor played nice.

You're probably thinking that this just shows us that a pap's camera lens is so powerful that it can bring two fame whores together, but I know what's really going on here. LeAnn obviously believes that you keep your friends close and your enemies even closer. You keep your enemies so close that they'll slowly begin to trust you and won't see it coming when you eventually gnaw their face off and wear it over yours as you let out an evil neigh over the transformation finally being complete! I see you, War Horse. I see you.

Carrot Top was forced to change his name to Carrot Tip-Over after his massive shoulder implants eventually made standing upright impossible. - Effzilla

Runners-up:

You can run, Burger King, but you can't hide. - WillDevil

Word to Kirk Cameron: It's not God who's watching you. - dfanintheD

This is Ronald McDonald's friend Kurt McUpskirt. - citizenstrange

via Picture Is Unrelated

You know the current state of the music industry is dire as all fuck when shit shows like Ke$hit and Nickelback are millionaires and this multi-talented howling bitch goes unsigned. Hopefully, all that is about to change, because this is a dog who howls from his raw heart about the b-hole that got away from the dog park or about how someone ate all the Snausages.

You've had a nice run, Adele, but this is a bitch who really knows woe.

via Arbroath