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After humping on Jenny McCarthy for all those years and making my eyeballs barf by professing his love to Emma Stone in a video love letter, Jim Carrey has finally found true love with a 30-year-old Russian student and he's getting ready to make her his third wife. Star says that Jim started licking on Anastasia Vitkina's glorious globe head last year and shit is getting so serious that he's planning to put an engagement ring on her finger. Gold diggers of the world, prepare your shovels for the victory salute! A source close to Jim puts it like this:

"Jim is going to propose! He's absolutely crazy about Anastasia and couldn't be happier. Anastasia is really smart, but what he likes best about her is her sense of humor. She makes him laugh -- Jenny would drive him to tears."

Jim confessed to Anastasia, 'It's not always easy being with me, in more ways than one. But he added, 'I promise to make it worth your while.'"

I always knew deep down that Jim would find love with a Russian woman who looks like what would happen if Amanda Seyfried artificially inseminated herself with Brian Peppers' jizz. Anastasia is perfect for Jim. Whenever he starts to really act the crazy (example: by pulling a prenup for her to sign), Anastasia can use her Plymouth Rock forehead to head butt him back into real life.

Gary Busey spent 7 minutes in heaven, LITERALLY, when he temporarily died on the operating table while neurosurgeons repaired his damaged brain after a serious motorcycle accident in 1988. Since Gary's frequent flyer miles include a trip to Heaven, he is an authority on the interior decorating style of God. (You ain't the only one, Colton Burpo.) So when it came time to shoot a scene in Heaven for that movie where Gary played a reincarnated Pomeranian dog, he refused to act in the scene, because the Heaven set didn't look like Heaven at all! Curtis Armstrong (aka Booger from Revenge of the Nerds) told this story when the AV Club (via Videogum) asked him what it was like working with the crazy sparkle of Hollywood:

AVC: Yeah, sorry for dragging this one up. But this was a movie where you appeared alongside Gary Busey, who plays a software tycoon who dies and is reincarnated as a dog. Busey’s such a weirdo force-of-nature that we have to ask about working with him.

CA: It was just what you’d imagine. That’s about the best way to put it. We were shooting this movie—which is a horrible movie—and he was supposed to come back from the dead. And he of course, Gary Busey, supposedly had done this—he’d been in an accident and died and came back. He showed up on a set made to look like Heaven, and he looked around and said, “I can’t play this scene.” They were three days behind at this point. But Busey said, “It’s nothing like this. I’ve been to Heaven and it doesn’t look like this. That sofa’s all wrong. That mirror is ridiculous. They don’t even have mirrors!” It was ridiculous. He was completely nuts about the design of Heaven.

But then on top of it, one of the guys playing an angel, had also died and come back. And this guy got into an argument with Busey about the way Heaven looked! The two of them wound up coming to blows and they had to send everybody home. So there you go. That’s what we were working with.

Gary Busey fighting with an actor in an angel costume about what Heaven looks like IS what Heaven looks like.

No mirrors in Heaven means no Kardashians in Heaven! Heaven truly is Heaven. But why doesn't anyone ever come back from Hell? They're always coming back from Heaven. Do they even have sofas in Hell? Are Hell's sofas just giant CROCS? Do they have mirrors? If they do, does the reflection of a topless Pimp Mama Kris look back at you every time you go to style your hair with House of Dereon gel (the #1 hair gel in Hell)? Somebody please tell me if there's mirrors in Hell, because I need to know how many bottles of Windex to bring when I'm packing for my trip to my afterlife.

The suffocation of Blue Ivy continues! To keep the breath and glares of peons from tainting her holy bundle of infinite light, Beyonce strapped a sapphire-encrusted oxygen mask over Blue Ivy's breathing area and shoved that baby under her sweater thing to carry her out of a doctor's office in NYC yesterday. You can't tell from these pictures, but thousands of Beyonce's followers gathered around and begged the chosen one to rebuke their ailments from their being by placing her tiny foot on their foreheads. And by ailments I mean sore hairlines caused by extreme lace front wearing and the guilt they feel from visiting Basement Baby's MySpace page. (Yes, I said MySpace page. I mean, MySpace is the basement of social media, so it's fitting.)

But seriously, I see what Beyonce and Mama Tina are doing here. Beyonce knows how much attention she got from conspiracy theorists thinking that the only thing she was pregnant with was stuffing made by Serta. So Beyonce is milking more attention out of conspiracy theorists by covering Blue Ivy's holy face so it looks like she's carrying around a House of Dereon Cabbage Patch Doll.

I'm all for Beyonce's stuntin' ways, but can she please stop suffocating the color blue. Bitch acts like she owns that color. I can't even pull a blue shirt out of my closet without thinking about Blueonsay's ass. The next time a pair of blue balls dangle in front of me, I don't want to think about Beyonce. Bitch is going too far with the blue. We should look into filing a class action lawsuit against this blue-hoarding ho. Take back the blue!

This mashup of Black Swan and Mr. Mom didn't even look good on paper. - erichitchmo

Runners-up:

The Duggars won first prize in the Interpretive Dance Competition entitled: "How Babies are Made" - SalmaNella

Ben Affleck still isn't quite sure what it does, but he's relieved that a boy came out of it. - MundoLoco

via Awkward Family Photos (Thanks, Chris)

Torani, the masters of coffee ridiculousness who already brought you Bacon Syrup and who will eventually bring you Felch Syrup and Chicharones & Hot Sauce Syrup will put a little Roscoe's in your coffee cup this April. Torani's Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the perfect way to start your day and it's also the perfect way to tell those around you that you have given up on life. Just add a splash of vomit and a drop of whiskey, and it would be like eating at Roscoe's at 2am after a night of boozing. Personally, I can't mess with this mess, so it's all yours. The best part of eating chicken n' waffles comes when the crunchiness, greasiness, doughiness and stickiness has an orgy in your mouth and you're not sure if you want to swallow it, but you do it anyway. You can't bottle that kind of culinary magic!

And I don't know if this is a selling point for Torani or not, but their Chicken n' Waffles Syrup is the same stuff that's going to shoot out of Jessica Simpson when she goes into labor. If you want a drop of Jessica Simpson's birthing fluids in your mouth, get yourself some Torani Chicken n' Waffles Syrup!

(For Lauren)

Amy Sedaris (51)
Jessica Chastain (31)
Megan Hilty (31)
Jennifer Capriati (36)
Lucy Lawless (44)
Michel Hazanavicius (45)
Jill Goodacre (47)
Elle Macpherson (48)
Michael Winterbottom (51)
Annabella Sciorra (52)
Perry Farrell (53)
Christopher Lambert (55)
Brendan Gleeson (57)
Eric Idle (69)
Paul Crouch (78)

Yes, Carson Daly somehow found a way to exist past 2002. Carson currently hosts The Voice (I know you thought that the wooden dummy from Magic hosted The Voice. I'm sorry to drop a sad on you like that.) and also has some kind of radio show. I don't know what Carson talks about on his radio show, because I'd rather shove my ear in a cow's ass than listen to his voice. But Carson said some shit this morning that got him onto TMZ. When talking about the JetBlue pilot whose mental state QUIT THIS BITCH during a flight a from NYC to Las Vegas, Carson Daly joked that if the flight was full of gay dudes headed for a floral convention ("Good one, Carson!" - Tommy Girl), they would've been too scared to break a nail to jump in.

"Most of the people were on their way to some sort of security conference in Las Vegas ... it was like a bunch of dudes and well trained dudes ... thank god." He then went on, "With my luck, it would be like ... 'this is the flight going to [the gay pride parade] in San Francisco ... I mean, that would be my colleagues." He then did a lovely stereotypically "gay" voice and said, "Uh, we're headed down to Vegas for the floral convention."

Here's the audio if your ears need that tonight:

Carson has since said he's sowwy.

Carson Daly's head is filled with nothing but saw dust and old Dick Clark farts, so I'm actually surprised he came up with that himself. You know, Carson's joke is whatever to me, but I can't say it's true. First of all, I'd Vaseline up and pounce on a pilot for keeping me from the buffets and dime slots in Vegas. Second of all, Carson's factory-defected frog puppet ass would be too busy Tweeting to do shit. Third of all, Carson obviously hasn't seen a brawl outside of a gay club at 3am, because that shit is like no other.

The most offensive part of all of this is that I'm typing Carson Daly's name and the year is 2012.

Taylor Swift, please fluff yourself up, because B.Coop is shopping for beards again now that his contract with Zoe Saldana did not get renewed :( - Lainey Gossip

Claudia Schiffer goes back to Guess and either she's been blessed by Photoshop or she's been smearing her face with the same creamed fetuses Jared Leto smears his ageless face with - The Berry

I hate my 8-year-old self for wearing this same outfit in the 80s - Hollywood Tuna

The graceful CoCo's cartoon ass in cartoon pants - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

As Blue Ivy turns blue from suffocating under all that furry blueness - Celebitchy

Do tongues not exist in heaven, because that kiss with Jon Hamm had a grand total of zero - Towleroad

And the Oscar for Best Nalgas Cinematography goes to... - The Superficial

Jennifer Love Hewitt wearing one of Anita Bryant's old ones - Popoholic

"Right on schedule..." said Pimp Mama Kris with a proud sigh - IDLYITW

Punky, now you know you aren't allowed to leave the house without Brandon - ICYDK

If Suri is really Katie's stylist, then Suri obviously hates her - Popsugar

This is me always. Can't you tell? - Videogum

Jessie Spano was high on caffeine pills, what's Tim Tebow's excuse? - OMG Blog

Amber Heard's dog better piss on her favorite dildo for doing that shit to it - Just Jared

Can the ASPCA please open an investigation into what kind of animal died on Ciara's head? - Crunk + Disorderly

Does this mean there will be 6 more weeks of play time? - The Daily What

Andy Cohen loves all kind of ass - Cityrag

But did Urkel end every verbal beating with "Did I do that?" - Hollywood Rag

We're doing trailers for trailers now - I'm Not Obsessed

Mark Steines is off of Entertainment Tonight - SOW

While promoting Battleshit with Taylor Kitsch and Brooklyn Decker at a press conference in London today, RiRi was asked about her maybe piece Ashton Kutcher by a reporter from ITN and the alien-headed one was not pleased at all. In case you don't know the goings on of RiRi's vagina, she was papped showing up to Ashton Kutcher's house at midnight the other night and The Sun says she's been popping her coochie on Kutchie for the past 8 weeks. Cut to this afternoon when Reporter Sarah dropped a sneak attack on RiRi. Sarah started her question one way and just when you thought it was about to go another, she pulled out the "So if I sniffed your mouth would I smell Ashton's dick?" question on RiRi.

Sarah: Hi, Sarah from ITN. Rihanna, this is a question for you. I have no doubt that all of your fans are coming to see this film. You know, you have so many. And you're so good with connection with people that I think that we actually feel we know you. Things are clearly going brilliantly in your career. I just wondered if you are as happy in your private life. Will we be seeing a certain Mr. Kutcher perhaps making a trip over here?

RiRi: Wow, how disappointing was that question.

Moderator: Should we move on to another one?

RiRi: Absolutely. I'm happy and I'm single, if that's what you're really asking.

It was a disappointing question, because RiRi was there as a serious actress and she should only be expected to answer questions about her tour de force, emotionally raw performance in the culturally important art house film Battleship. What was Sarah from ITN supposed to ask RiRi about? I wish Sarah would've asked RiRi why she's wearing Lindsay Lohan's old hair. I mean, wow, how disappointing is that wig. But really, what would be a better question? Did RiRi expect Sarah to ask about her creative process when getting into character? We all know the answer to that shit. RiRi gets into character by smoking a fat blunt in the bathroom. That's also her process for getting ready to answer questions in a press conference, because ho looks as stoned as I wish I was right now.

Don't you hate it when you wake up the morning after and the only thing you have to remember about your fuck piece from the night before is a splinter in your ass, bark burns on your stomach, its sticky love syrup on your fingers and a bite from a palm weevil on your tongue? Don't you wish you can relive all those beautiful, tree-fucking moments all over again? Well, now you can thanks to the dude who recorded you barking up the RIGHT tree while high on the wrong shit at the Ultra Music Festival. Girl, you better have rubbed your coochie in some Herbicide afterward, because the last thing you need is to pop out a sapling in nine months.

via Gawker