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I really hate it when a flyer for a no-rules gay bathhouse crashes into a magazine ad for Metamucil's new shower gel before landing on an invitation for a Florida sorority toga party. This is the teaser poster for TNT's Dallas 2.0 and yes, I too feel like I just woke up in the shower and realized that the last season of my life was all a dream and the new season of my life is a NIGHTMARE where a half-naked Larry Hagman is looking at you like he's about to pull out his peenstol and shoot you for a change.

We've got Linda Gray looking gorgeous (I can't trust a bitch who shades Linda Gray), Josh Henderson looking like a Craigslist masseuse you can't trust, Larry Hagman looking like the steam is tickling the silver hairs on his prune sacks something good and Jordana Brewster looking straight out of Public Access' version of The Client List. Then there's Patrick Duffy, Jesse Metcalfe keeping the ad campaign PG-13 by covering up his tits, Brenda Strong and some stranger girl named Julie Golanzo.

What I've learned from this is that the Dallas casting directors temporarily camped out on Wisteria Lane's cross street waiting to pick up Desperate Housewives' cast-offs. And if this poster is anything to go by, then Dallas 2.0 is going to be a broke, cheesy disaster that'll leave me wanting a good scrubbing to the retinas. I can't wait!

The stock in opulent foolery rose six thousand points the day Blue Ivy Carter was pulled out of a blue diamond-encrusted Faberge egg, because it was reported that Beyonce rented out half of the hospital wing and had more security guards than the British Menudo. But InTouch Weekly (via Hollywood Life) says that Beyonce's fellow Texan, Jessica Simpson, is about to show a trick how to really waste money on some stupid shit. Jessica (seen here in the near future breaking so much water that it hit the ground, splashed up to the sky and then fell down all over her) is not only renting out the entire floor of a hospital and protecting Baby Maxi with the help of 30 bodyguards, but she is also going to hire a look-alike to trick the paparazzi. Paging Hulk Hogan! Your Jessica Simpson look-alike services are needed!

Jessica's labor experience is going to cost around $1.3 million. The source put it like this:

“She’s turning the maternity ward into Fort Knox. If her friends and family want to visit her, they’ll have to make it through numerous checkpoints! She’s terrified of kidnapping. Her head of security just held a pre-birth meeting for her family to brief them on the rules!”

Jessica is thinking that the first pictures of Baby Maxi Pad will get her $4 million, so she's hoping that she makes back her money and then some.

If this story was a dumpling sold at Panda Express, it would be called a Shumaigodyourelying and even Jessica wouldn't order it. (I've just stuck the GONG between my ass cheeks, so grab it and gong me for that shit joke if you dare.) InTouch needs to stop. Yes, I believe that Jessica rented out an entire hospital floor, but that's only because her fire hydrant vagina is going to keep spewing out amniotic fluid until the very end and she knows she's going to flood most of the hospital. Jessica cares. But the rest of it is a lie.

Jessica's pregnancy farts might be shaped like dollar signs, but she's still country. The most extravagant thing she'll have on her c-section day is the finest chef from a nearby McDonald's who will make everyone McPlacentas!

I've heard some people say that every marriage should have to be approved by a mental health professional before it's made legal. I don't agree with that mess, because if I should ever catch Anderson Cooper in a drunken, confused state and I get him to marry me, the last thing I need is some government therapist bitch knocking some reason into his head. But this story is making me change my mind.....

Abigail of the UK might be the ultimate Twihard and mental hospitals should consider naming their Twihard wings after her. Abigail is so dedicated to the sparkle that she wanted her wedding to look like Twilight jizzed all over it. Abigail wore a copy of Bella's wedding dress to her reception, made her husband Andy wear a tuxedo like Edward's, used the Twilight soundtrack for her ceremony music and used the Twilight movies as inspiration for her flowers, cake and decorations. Yes, if Abigail was my cousin, I'd get her a wedding gift of his and hers straitjackets, but her wedding reception isn't the craziest shit she did.

Examiner says that Abigail somehow convinced her new husband to legally change his last name to Cullen. Andy agreed and so now they're known as Mr. & Mrs. Cullen. Abigail Cullen says that her husband has been a good sport about her addiction to Twilight.

The truth is, the Twilight-themed wedding isn't that insane, now that I remember that I've seen pictures from an Avatar-themed wedding, but the name change shit is some serious commitment to crazy. She must have a pussy made out of glitter that makes him break the headboard or she must have something on him. This is the deal breaker of all deal breakers. Somebody get these two a romantic honeymoon to Bellevue! Better yet, get them a romantic boat ride for two, so he can fake his death Sleeping with the Enemy-style. Well, if you're ever hating life you can take comfort in knowing that somewhere in the UK, Andy Cullen is hating life more.

UsWeekly has a picture of humanized Pixie stick Michelle Williams holding hands with Jason Segel in his coat pocket while strolling through Brooklyn four days ago. Either Michelle is super meta and is playing Michelle Williams as Marilyn Monroe as Lindsay Lohan and is pickpocketing Jason right under his eyes, or these two are in looooooove. UsWeekly says it's the latter and a source tells them that Jason has been spending time in Brooklyn with Michelle and her kid.

Michelle and Jason met through their friend Busy Phillips a long ass time ago, but they only recently started farting hearts out of their eyes for each other. One source says, "She hasn't been this happy in a long time." This is probably why Jason temporarily tore his heart off of his sleeve and placed it into the hands of his Twitter followers a few weeks ago (Jason has since deleted that shit):

Honestly a totally hypothetical question but I'm curious. If I fell in love would you guys be happy?

We don't even know each other and you guys want me to be happy. I'm not being sarcastic at all when I say that actually means a lot.

It's come to this. This is why you should not operate Twitter while under the influence of the drug known as LOVE. Did Jason really get on one knee and ask his followers for permission to hump a piece full-time? I just...no. You might see this as cute, but I see this as some shit that is going to put me in a neck brace from shaking my head so much.

I've only seen one picture of Jason with Michelle and I can already tell that they're THAT couple. You know, that couple who is like kryptonite to us bitter old bitches. Like I was at some grocery store in California a couple of weeks ago, and a couple like THAT was in front of me in the checkout line. The girl kissed on her man's neck and said, "Tell me you love me." And he goes, "I love you, baby." And she goes, "Tell me again." And he goes, "I love love love you." And she goes, "One more time." And he goes, "I love you infinity." And I wanted to go, "Tell me to punch both of you gross bitches in the face, because I really want to," but I was too busy trying to stop the barf from splashing against my teeth.

Prolific philosopher, highly respected cinema thespian, skilled bikini car washer and gringa chola leader Megan Fox, seen here having a brain queef while wondering if her hero Nietzsche drank Miller Lite or Rolling Rock back in the day, might be carrying the spawn of David Silver (real-life born name: Brian Austin Green) in the only part of her body that hasn't been completely Botoxed: her uterus!

Some source close to the couple (aren't they always a source close to the couple) has sent a shiver up the spine of humanity by saying that in just a few months, a real human baby will look up at Megan's vacuum sealed face and say "I'm" before looking at the face of David Silver and saying "fucked!" The source says that Megan barely has a bubble of a fetus in her body, but she's already told a few people and now the source is telling the world through Star Magazine:

"They just found out and are incredibly excited. It's still early, so they are only telling close friends and family members. She has really grown in the past couple of years. Megan used to only be concerned with her career, but now family comes first."

In all seriousness, Megan Fox is a stepmom to BAG's son with Vanessa Marcil, Kassius, and as far as I know that boy has never run to CPS to cry about how she's beating his brain by dropping her words of wisdom into his ear before bedtime, so I'm sure she'll be a wonderful mother to little Nietzsche Jr. Silver Fox. Besides this is good news, because Megan needs to be reminded about what her original face looked like. Two toe thumbs up to that!

When your dick grows arms and a tail, you know it's time to take the catheter out. - Orangina

Runners-up:

Animals everywhere are supporting the anti-PETA "I'd rather be naked than have Courtney Stodden represent me" campaign. - Sweetas

View of Snookie's unborn child being nourished by her amniotic fluid. - Lenalena

It is nice to see Keith Richards using straws in a more positive way these days. - RealiTEE

via Break

This bitch slapping goose! - One of the most important rules of life is that you don't mess with a memaw, because they ain't the one today, tomorrow or in the next life. The other important rule of life is that you don't mess with a goose, because they are demon bitches from hell covered in feathers. Geese don't only use their wings to fly north for the winter to terrorize a fresh new group of victims. They also use their wings as giant, flying slapping hands. If you come across a goose, don't look it in the eye and don't step to it, because it will feather slap you so hard that your mama will feel it.

via Tastefully Offensive

Duchess of Alba (86)
Lady Gaga (26)
Julia Stiles (31)
Kate Gosselin (37)
Shanna Moakler (37)
Richard Kelly (37)
Mr. Cheeks (41)
Vince Vaughn (42)
Brett Ratner (43)
Cheryl "Salt" James (46)
Reba McEntire (57)
Dianne Weist (64)
Conchata Ferrell (69)
Mike Newell (70)

FOX and Ryan Murphy both felt the lukewarm, whiskey-scented, Parliament-infused wrath of White Oprah after GOOP's character called her precious child "crazy" on an episode of Glee. White Oprah stumbled up to the front gate of FOX and nearly dropped the bottle of the Thunderbird in her hand as she vowed to destroy those hateful bitches for telling the truth about her meal ticket! Then White Oprah passed out on the steps and by the time one of FOX's gardeners woke her up by leaf blowing her in the face, she forgot all about it! Or at least I thought she forgot all about it, because there was no lawsuit. But look at what we have here.

TVLine says that Lindsay Lohan is "in talks" to play Lindsay Lohan in one of the last episodes of the season. I'm going to guess that the only reason this is happening is because this is part of LiLo's settlement deal with FOX, as well as White Oprah getting 7 minutes in heaven (for her, 7 minutes in the 9th circle for him) with Matthew Morrison's nipple.

A source tells TVLine that LiLo will be a "celebrity" judge at Nationals. This shit hasn't been confirmed, but FOX did confirm that Whoopi Goldberg is playing a drama school professor in several episodes.

The good news is that LiLo is playing a judge, which means she'll sit at a table, which means she can read her lines off of a prop note card sitting on the table, which means she won't have to strain her crack smoke-damaged retinas by reading a teleprompter. NO, I'm sure LiLo has really grown as an actress since her cue card-reading SNL days. LiLo will totally write her lines in dot lettering with an orange Sharpie on the palm of her hand so it looks like freckles. That's how serious actresses do it!

A Bernadette Peters side-eye is just what I needed today and it should win all the Tonys - Lainey Gossip

So who's going to come out and say that Amber Heard is like 2012's Sharon Stone - Hollywood Tuna

Meanwhile, Peter Cook also weeped after his laptop crashed while downloading porn for 8 straight hours - Celebitchy

So does this mean that MDNA doesn't come with a "Molly" tab, because that was the only reason to buy that shit - Towleroad

Does Megan Fox realize how hard it is to scrub black paint out of white wax? - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

This is obviously a huge misunderstanding. Gerard Butler was drunkenly hitting on a dirty mop in a yellow bucket full of stank water and someone mistook it for Lindsay Lohan. It happens all the time. - The Superficial

John Ritter's (enter your finding here after you study the Ritter family tree) gets down to her chonies for MeInMyPlace - Popoholic

The What The Hell Kind Of GD Outfit Is This Hall Of Fame - The Berry

Add Chloe Sevigny to the above link - Moe Jackson

Wheelchair Jimmy does the whole "snort a line while distracting with a middle finger" trick -ICYDK

The hobo hipster convention is in town - Popsugar

Matt Bomer as "Cooper Anderson." No Comment. - OMG Blog

NeNe Leakes lands a pilot while a foreclosure notice lands on Sheree's empty plot of dirt - Crunk + Disorderly

Candice Swanepoel in UK GQ - Hollywood Rag

And you thought pretending to have explosive diarrhea was a hardcore way of avoiding a job. You ain't got this on this one-footed crazy - The Daily What

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA - Hollywood Rag

Things that make me hate life: Finding out that a puppy is more flexible than me - Cityrag