It's been approximately 3 seconds (aka the length of a quick queef) since Brangelina announced that they're getting hitched and the tabloids are already stirring the fuckery by bringing Jennifer Aniston into this shit. If you thought you had a few days of breathing before the tabloids hit their covers with the headline "JEN PLANS TO CRASH BRAD'S WEDDING! VINCE & OWEN WILL HELP!", you were wrong. Hollywood Life (the "f" is silent) says that Jen isn't handling the news by making a noose out of Beanie Babies carcasses, she's happy for Brangelina and she's even thinking about going to the wedding. Okay, who gave Maddox the number to Hollywood Life and who told him it was okay to a prank a bitch? The source said this mess of words:
“Jennifer is happy for Brad and Angelina. She is so in love with Justin, that she is really grateful how things turned out. In a strange way if it weren’t for Angelina, Jennifer would not have connected with Justin in a romantic way. Jennifer is in a really wonderful place right now. I wouldn’t be surprised if she even went to their wedding.”
If there's a wedding, I'm sure Jen will be invited and I'm sure she'll tackle Maddox as he drops rose petals along the aisle. I wish. The chances of this happening are about as slim as the chances of my fingers turning into tiny peens (I pray every night for this). Jen isn't going to the wedding, but only because she physically can't since she'll be stuck in a sarcophagus of cookie dough. No, I'm sure Jen will do what we're all going to do. Sit back and watch Angie try to snatch a married Brad away from herself. Let's see how good of a homewrecker she truly is.
You'd think I'd be all into the WWE since they're in the business of serving up drama queen theatrics, staged cat fights, man nipple-to-man nipple action and Spandex-swathed crotches, but I'm not. So this is the time first that my retinas have been singed by the glorious ginger god from Ireland Sheamus! (My ho stroll nickname is Shame Ass. It's meant to be!)
The only thing I know about Sheamus is that he body slammed a trick at the WWE Smack Down in Dublin last night, has epic thighs that look like a whole chicken getting pulled out of a can, can make lighting by clapping his ass cheeks (I read this in the mythology section of Wiki), can keep a small village warm with the flaming hearth on his head and when he flutters his eyelashes it looks like two fireflies dancing in the night. I know that last part, because I made a flip book with these pictures. Yes, that's Sheamus' cue to head directly to the restraining order office.
And to answer your question, yes, I already Photoshopped my smiling face and gut on this picture.
Emma Watson's in a ho stroll uniform for Sofia Coppola's The Bling Ring and she's completely nailed the look of vapid piece of trash turned thief turned E! reality star - The Superficial
I either need more sleep or more weed, because I'm staring at Amy Poehler's dress and all I'm seeing is tiny blue satin sperm fishes wearing boas - Lainey Gossip
The all-peen remake of Showgirls is looking more and more promising with each nipple flash - Towleroad
Full disclosure: I couldn't pick Brooklyn Decker out of a line-up of Sports Illustrated models, but I'm pretty sure that's not Brooklyn Decker's face on GQ - Hollywood Tuna
Um, waiter, there's a Cuddy in my salad - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Translation: Will & Jada's double bearding contract isn't expiring anytime soon - Celebitchy
Baby Luca is either silently communicating with his home planet or he's trying to look thrilled about Hilary Duff putting his face on Twitter again - The Berry
Wait, Nicole Scherzinger is still here? - Popoholic
B.I.C. must have broken the breath-holding record by now - ICYDK
Until now, I didn't know I needed a video of a Corgi getting vacuumed in my life - Videogum
It's not accidental that you can't spell flower without Fowler - Moe Jackson
Every time Mindy McCready welcomes a new child, a Child Protective Services agent welcomes a new file to their desk - The Daily What Gossip
The hell did Jesse Eisenberg do to his hair? - I'm Not Obsessed
How are not all 16 of these tattoos on Jessica Simpson's body? - Cityrag
Justin Theroux is Jennifer Aniston's protector. Even her favorite Beanie Baby barfed at that one - Popsugar
Jessica Biel is looking more and more like the gay Cuban crackhead who always hit on my friend at the bar - Just Jared
Sarah Silverman abortioned her way back to skinny - SOW
Has it really come to this, marketing people for Snow White and the Huntsman? I hope that the Little Birdie (fun fact: the name of the VP of publicity at Universal Pictures is Little Birdie) who told Charlize Theron it was Kristen Stewart's birthday also had five blunts in its beak and promised to give them to her after she recorded this awkward mess of a greeting. I don't know if Charlize is paying homage to Kristen by trying to look as uncomfortable and awkward as possible, but she looks pretty fucking uncomfortable and awkward. But it's good to know that when Charlize feels uncomfortable she starts talking like Otto Mann from The Simpsons. I'm kind of turned on.
Angie Is Wearing An Engagement Ring Now, So Says Some Jewelry Designer (UPDATE: Yeah, They're Engaged)
It's been exactly six long minutes since the last "Brangie's getting hitched" rumor, so THANK MADDOX that The Hollywood Reporter ended that dry spell by giving us a new one. Robert Procop, who worked with Angie Jolie on her The Style of Jolie (barf) jewelry line, says that she's wearing an engagement ring designed by him and Brad Pitt. Angie wore a huge ass diamond on her left vein claw while walking through LACMA's Chinese Galleries collection with Pax and an unidentified freeway underpass hobo, and Robert says that is the ring every Brangeloonie is going to try to recreate using foil from the mental hospital's kitchen pantry. Robert confirmed that it is an engagement ring and explained it like this:
"Brad had a specific vision for this ring, which he realized over a yearlong collaboration. He wanted every aspect of it to be perfect, so I was able to locate a diamond of the finest quality and cut it to an exact custom size and shape to suit Angelina's hand. Brad was always heavily involved, overseeing every aspect of the creative design evolution. The side diamonds are specially cut to encircle her finger. Each diamond is of the highest gem quality."
Highest gem quality? That confirms Angie's ring is made from one of her own kidney stones.
If this is actually true, then say goodbye to your loved ones, because it's only a matter of time before we all combust from the high-pitched screams of the Brangeloonies after Brad and Angie quit each other. They've already jinxed their holy union by agreeing to do another movie together and now they're really jinxing their asses by getting engaged. Stick a fork (the one that Angie isn't using to eat) in Brangelina. Those bitches are done. I mean, marriage is the number one cause of divorce. I swear that sounded a lot smarter in my head.
UPDATE: Brad Pitt's rep just confirms to People that he was telling lies when he said the first time that they wouldn't get married until I can marry Anderson Cooper in every state. How can we ever trust Brad Pitt again?!
"Yes, it's confirmed. It is a promise for the future and their kids are very happy. There’s no date set at this time."
And Jennifer Aniston will drug Justin Theroux and drag him to the nearest 24-hour chapel in 3..2..
In case you missed last night's soon-to-be Emmy award winner for best writing in a comedy, here's Steven Tyler, JLo and Randy Jackson looking completely natural and not at all fake in the face when Ryan Seacrest announced that front-runner Jessica Sanchez got the lowest number of votes. TMZ reported a couple of hours before American Idol went live that Jessica was going to get chopped and the producers were working hard to get the judges to use the "save" on her. Please. More like they were scrambling to find an acting coach who could help the judges' completely choreographed reactions look somewhat natural. It worked! Steven Tyler gave his greatest performance since playing a Skeksis in Dark Crystal, JLo pretended she was one of us watching her movies and Randy Jackson went back to the time when Sizzler told him they were all out of cheese toast.
It is impressive at how JLo finds a way to make a moment all about her. You can take the attention away from the attention whore, but she's going to find a way to get it back! When JLo snatched that mic away from Jessica and told that girl to have a seat, I expected male dancers to drop from above as she broke into a club remix version of the song Jessica was singing. You know JLo had a bedazzled leotard under her clothes and was just itching to rip that orange dress off to hump the spotlight.
To commemorate the one week anniversary of her DUI and the three week anniversary of getting pulled over for talking and driving, Amanda Bynes drove her own ass to Chateau Marmont and Greystone Manor to party with her friends. The paps caught Amanda texting behind the wheel before she ran up over the curb while trying to park. Who knows if Amanda's tongue even touched booze last night, but I find from personal experience when I'm standing in the middle of a club surrounded by sweaty hos thinking they're the shit, the only thing I want to do is eat an entire bottle of Jack. Instead of texting, Amanda needs to use her iPhone to look up the synopsis for Crack & Me: The Lindsay Lohan Story, because she's obviously involuntarily remaking that shit and doesn't know what happens next.
When are these bitches going to learn that driving Billy Joel-style is no way to drive through life? Isn't driving drunk really hard, anyway? Why would you want to ruin your buzz by trying to focus on not sending yourself or others to Jesus? That seems really stressful. Just do what all smart-thinking sluts do. Either find a sober trick to go home with or drag yourself to the nearest Denny's and face plant right into a stack of pancakes until you're good enough to drive. What L.A. really needs, besides a Piggly Wiggly (I will so move back if L.A. gets a Piggly Wiggly), is a Save a Ho car service complete with an open bar in the back. Oh, the Save a Ho car service should also have a foot surgeon in its backseat, because Amanda's hooves like they are one OW away from quitting her ankles.
Madge's newest album bungee jumped down the charts this week, but she still put on her dontgiveafuckface (No, seriously, she went into her face closet and put on the face labeled "Don't Give A Fuck.") to work the carpet at Macy's in NYC. Madge was at Macy's in Herald Square to whore out her fragrance Truth or Dare (smells like a mixture of decaying hydrangeas, Lady CaCa's tuck sweat, the fear of a South American boy toy, Elton John's burnt toupee and seasoned pussy dust).
I know I've said before that Madge's current face looks like it was put together using newborn baby butt cheeks, piano wire and Fix-A-Flat, but I have to say that last night she looked vampire fresh. We can disagree on that, but we cannot and will not disagree over the fact that Madge has some seriously hung veins on her feet. Madge's feet are ribbed for Quentin Tarantino's pleasure. You'd probably get a quick tingle if you rubbed your b-hole against one of them. Baby Brahim is one lucky vein fucker.
One time I was on the G train (short for the Godthistrainisnevercominganditwouldvebeenfastertogetarideonaparaplegicdonkey train) in Brooklyn and some crazy subway prophet kept ranting at the mouth about how all of our sinful souls will one day rot under Lucifer's foreskin. You know, the typical feel-good morning sermon you usually hear from crazies on the subway. In between him calling us heathen pieces of peen cheese, he incoherently sang some song and doing this made him sound like he was speaking pig latin in tongues. So basically, he sounded like Nicki Minaj. This mess went on for way too long. Sometimes, a subway rider can't control their nerves anymore and will shout at the crazy to shut their verbal diarrhea hole. That's never a good move, because fighting crazy with crazy makes the crazy crazier. That didn't happen, but something bizarre did happen. A woman wearing a sensible business suit got up, walked over to the subway prophet, put her hand on his shoulder and told him he can stop now, because we've all heard his message. It didn't work and he kept spewing the shit, but I slow clapped her on the inside for handling that shit in a classy way. Well, Frances Bean is that woman in a sensible business suit, because last night she calmly told Courtney Love to shut the fuck up.
Courtney Love went too far, even for Courtney Love, in one of her late-night Twitter rantings when she accused Dave Grohl of trying to sex on Kurt Cobain through Frances Bean's coochie. Dave Grohl already denied that mess, and last night Frances Bean released a statement where she said that Twitter needs to close and lock their doors to crazy ass Courtney:
"While I'm generally silent on the affairs of my biological mother, her recent tirade has taken a gross turn. I have never been approached by Dave Grohl in more than a platonic way. I'm in a monogamous relationship and very happy.
Twitter should ban my mother."
"Biological mother." HA. If Courtney Love had any feeling left in her sedated face, she would've felt that swift and quick slap. But like the sensible business woman on the train, Frances Bean's reasonable statement is going to shut Courtney up. When the Twitter train pulls into the next stop, Courtney will get on and start rambling about how Dave Grohl's dick is a pendulum that is hypnotizing Frances Bean into hating her. #staybatshitcrazycourt
And then a PETA rep threw flour on the tree - Sweetas
Hands down, Kirstie Alley makes the best kebabs in Hollywood. - Maersk
Haven't seen this many bears desperately trying to hide since my Scientology auditing. - scatcat00
Wild animals have a sixth sense when a natural disaster looms. Here, bears in Runyon Canyon scurry to safety as Jessica Simpson's water breaks. - zachhcaz