Back in 2010, some of us developed an addiction to shoving Valium pills into our ears from listening to Mel Gibson pop his anus veins by screaming all kinds of beautiful romantic love lyrics at Oksana Grigorieva. Well, lube up your ear holes and grab a Valium, because Mel is raging again.
Joe Eszterhas, the screenwriter of the masterpiece that is Showgirls who wrote an open letter about how Mel Gibson is still Mel Gibson, gave The Wrap a recording of the glum cunt ranting so hard that he grew a hemorrhoid that eventually popped as he ranted some more. Joe was at Mel's house to work on the script for that movie about the Jewish Hero and Mel delivered one of his signature freakouts. Joe's son recorded some of it.
It's not like Joe should be surprised. If you're a guest at Mel Gibson's house, you should know that instead of turndown service and a chocolate on your pillow, you're going to get a kick to the soul and punch to the ears. If you don't need Mel's voice in your ears today, I've accurately transcribed his rant below:
"GAAARGAAARGAAARGRRRRRR WHY DONT I HAVE THE FIRST DRAFT OF THE MACCABEES GAAAARRRR GRRRRGAAARGRRAAA WHAT THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN DOING GGRRRRAAA GRRAAAGRR COCKSUCKER WHORE GRRRRRRGAAAARRR GRRRR WHO THE FUCK WANTS TO EAT GO HAVE SOMETHING TO EAT HURRRRRR AAAAAH GRRRR FUCKING CUNT COCKSUCKER WHORE AAAAAAAAAAAAAH"
That is totally what it sounds like when Herman Munster is trying to push out a hard shit. You know you've listened to too many Mad Mel rants when the only question you have is: I wonder what they were eating? I bet it was latkes. It was totally latkes.
Personally, I think Sheree throwing the lines "Fix that face" and "Trim down those doggy teeth" at NeNe during the reunion earned her a ticket for season 5 of The Real Housewives of Atlanta, but Bravo isn't trying to agree with me. However, Marmaduke's cousin twice removed at the water dish is out there trying to spin it like she's the one who opened the exit door instead of getting evicted from the cast. Sheree told Wet Paint that the rumor that she was fired from the cast is false and she's leaving on her own free will. CAUTION: Delusion ahead.
“After four solid seasons of helping Bravo build the show into its most successful Housewives franchise, I have decided to leave. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle. I’m tired of the fighting and the cattiness.”
I want to be part of something that empowers and inspires women to not only be healthy, but to treat themselves with respect. I wish the rest of the women the best of luck. I’m thrilled to say I’m now a free agent and am already fielding offers.”
Translation: "After four solid seasons of making myself look like a delusional ass, I have decided to calmly leave before Bravo gets their security to drag me out. The direction the show is going in is no longer a fit for my lifestyle since the producers expect us to have money and I've only got a pile of dirt, a patch of grass and a few logs of squirrel shit to my name. I'm not joking. Have you seen Chateau Sheree lately? I'm tired of buying $1200 dresses to wear on camera and I'm really tired of those salespeople at Neiman's rolling their eyes at me when I go to return that shit. I was about to say that I'm tired of the cattiness, but then I realized that I'm usually the bitch who starts it all!
I want to be a part of something that pays in cash and requires me to do as little as possible. I wish the rest of the women will go to hell. I'm thrilled to say I need a damn job and am already fielding offers. And by that I mean two bill collectors are trying to crawl through my A/C vent. Who gon check me boo? Oh, Bravo just did."
But seriously, I, for one, will miss Sheree's beautiful delusions of grandeur. It takes a special someone to drive around in a leased $120,000 Porsche with confidence while tumbleweeds blow through her checking account.
The exact moment when Selena Gomez finally says to herself, "Why me? Where did I go wrong? Why is my boyfriend having a playdate with a more age appropriate girlfriend? I wonder what that dad is doing later?" - Lainey Gossip
"Oh, so that's why your coochie tasted like black licorice that day" said Kelly Brook's hot piece of a boyfriend - The Superficial
FYI: Miranda Kerr can comb the back of her head with her foot - Hollywood Tuna
Kanye says that something that sounds like something he'd say doesn't even sound like something he'd say - Celebitchy
Behold, Ashley Tisdale's thighgina - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Madge is a proud graduate of the Do As I Say Not As I Do School of Parenting - Towleroad
Because you should definitely wear a catsuit that makes it look like you've got a herpes rash (as drawn by Lisa Frank) on your snatch - Go Fug Yourself
I'll be in my room with picture #3 - The Berry
Cut it while cooking? Chipmunk, please. What really happened is that Trace Cyrus almost bit Miley's finger off when she dropped a little apple sauce on it. - IDLYITW
My thoughts and prayers are with the 6 adult men (including her husband) who had to help Mimi get out of this position - ICYDK
Brooklyn Decker is wearing panties. In GQ. That is all. - Popoholic
Kate Hudson demonstrates the new and most forward thing in parenting: the human neti pot! Take that, Alicia Silverstone! - Popsugar
Yes, it's the Golden Showers Girls (not a Kardashian post) - OMG Blog
Okay, how many blunts did RiRi give Time to get on the Most Influential list? - Just Jared
I'd totally do Reese Witherspoon's Photoshopped chin - Cityrag
At first I was like, "Jenny McCarthy is looking hoooo-oh wait" - Hollywood Rag
Adam Levine fapped into that mug, right? - SOW
There's a thin line between dropping a drunk fart and letting out a poop pebble, and Xtina definitely crossed it in this picture - I'm Not Obsessed
You're not reading this from a raft while floating on a sea of Jessica Simpson's amniotic fluid after she flooded the earth during birth, so that means she's still pregnant. Well, InTouch Weekly's new editor must be Miss Cleo, because they have all the details of Jessica's future labor day including whether she had a C-section or punane birth (SPOILER ALERT: Neither. The 4-year-old tried to slip out the back hoping she can start a life for herself somewhere far away. Didn't happen.) and what the first words she said to her daughter were (SPOILER ALERT: She said, "Uh, are you going to eat the rest of that placenta?").
In other news... Suri, I know it's your birthday and you're busy unwrapping the amythest-encrusted live unicorn your daddy bought you, but please find the time to Western Union your sister some rent money.
The most overused phrase of 2012 is "the Mayans were right," but really, the Mayans were right, because 2012 is frozen is in time now that Dick Clark is no longer here to count us down into the next year. TMZ says that Dick went up to the great big American Bandstand in the sky this at the age of 82.
Dick underwent some kind of outpatient procedure at L.A.'s St. John's Hospital late last night and his agent tells ABC News that he died of a "massive heart attack" afterward. Dick suffered a major stroke in 2004 and shortly after he semi-retired from hosting "Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve," but still came back every year.
Dick is survived by his wife Kari Wigton (Side note: Wigton is a hot last name) and his three children. Aaaand we're left with Ryan Seacrest. Seriously, cancel January 31st.
Since I consider myself the epitome of restraint, I think of the anniversary of my born day as the only day (besides Christmas, Easter, other people's birthdays, Sundays, any day that a Golden Girls re-run is playing on my TV, etc...) it's acceptable for me to lay on a tarp and widen my mouth with my hands as my loved one throw pieces of sheet cake from Costco into it. Well, Posh is just like me, because she threw a middle finger at her zero calories-a-day diet and put her tiny snout to good use by pigging out on a plate of fruit. Bitch, you so wild.
Posh turned 38 in human years (1,964 in praying mantis alien years) on Tuesday and she celebrated it by having lunch with a group of her friends. Posh was so excited about going food hog wild that she Tweeted a picture of her birthday fruit. The guinea pig chefs who whipped this up made it extra special by writing her name in diarrhea. It's not chocolate sauce. Posh wouldn't go THAT crazy.
But seriously, I doubt Posh even touched that plate of fruit. You know how at fancy rich people weddings, they have a cake that's just for show? You don't touch that cake and instead waiters bring out a dessert that you can eat? That's what that fruit plate was. It was just for show and later on the waiter brought out her real dessert: a bowl of dried grapefruit seeds.
Happy Birthday, Posh! Since you didn't eat any cake on your special day, I'll do it for you! Now where's my tarp?
RiRi (aka the EDGEST and HARDEST bitch in the EDGY and HARD game) posted a bunch of pictures from Coachella on her Instragram and she included this one of her dealing with a mysterious substance on her paid slut carrier's bald head. The Mirror tried to get to the bottom of this by zooming up close to see exactly what kind of situation is happening on dude's head. These are the possibilities:
1. Spoiled coke bought from a Lohan.
2. Hacked up curdled cum (it happens).
3. Feta cheese, because there's always time for feta cheese.
4. Dandruff. Dude is such a man that even his dandruff is full of testosterone.
5. Weed hit by a camera flash.
RiRi is rolling a blunt, so obviously it's weed whitewashed by the flash, but that shouldn't be the story here. The real story is that RiRi is using the head of her bodyguard (or whoever he is) as a human coffee table. Dude already has to carry this ho around like he's her paid human lifeguard chair and then he has to deal with her scratching his head with her plastic red roach nails while rolling a blunt? I'm sorry, but I wouldn't even let my own abuelita roll a blunt on my head. Okay, yes I would, but only because I really believe letting your grandma roll a blunt on your head is something you should experience in life.
This dude is a majorly devoted employee. If that was me, I would've scooped the weed from my head and screamed "WATCH FOR FALLING HOS" before leaning back. Then I'd roll my own blunt while walking to the unemployment office.
I haven't yet made peace with the fact that every member of Hanson can make sperm on his own and in actuality they can make sperm and they're putting that shit to use like a motherfucker. There's 8 children between all the Hanson brothers and they're about to add a 9th to the pile. 29-year-old Taylor Hanson, the one who's always dressed like the "cool" English teacher at a Southern Baptist high school, announced to People that his 28-year-old wife Natalie is currently brewing up their 5th bundle of baby. Natalie and Taylor already have a 9-year-old named Ezra, a 7-year-old named Penelope, a 5-year-old named River and a 3-year-old named Viggo.
29 with 5 kids? Either Taylor's stuff is potent or his and Natalie's sex parts are MMMbopping day and night. Or both! I'm going to go with the latter or both, because by the look on her face in the picture above, they're doing it right there in front of the cameras. That's a picture that's got me asking, "You two are fucking right now, huh?" Who knew that Taylor Hanson's peen is a master of sneakiness?
There's no way the Duggars are going to let the Hanson Brothers of all brothers show them up like this. As I type this, Jim Bob is crawling up into Michelle's triple wide coochie tunnel to jack off on top of her ovaries.
Point A on the Google map above is the Stella McCartney store in West Hollywood and if you drag your eyes all the way across the street, stop to drop some water in them, drag them more, stop to wipe off the peon breath with a Chanel baby wipe and keep going, you'll eventually land on point B, Madeo's in West Hollywood. I know, can you believe they're in the same city?!!!!!. (Your eyeballs might need to catch a few breaths after going on that long journey, so take all the time you need before moving on.) If we can barely make that Lawrence of Arabia-like trek with our eyes, how can anyone expect cuntress of her own universe, Fishsticks Paltrow, to make that same journey in real life and on foot?! We shouldn't and that's why I do not appreciate this story from Page Six.
After the party for Paul McCartney's new video, a bunch of guests including Miranda Kerr, Jane Fonda, Orlando Bloom and Amy Smart walked 0.06 miles to have dinner together at Madeo's. As those suckers walked on the dirty sidewalk, Fishy and her asshole husband Chris Martin were chauffeured there in a Lincoln Town Car. Apparently, the car ride took all of 10 seconds.
Page Six thinks this is funny, because Fishy tries to be some kind of environmentalist and has done green public service announcements in the past. To which I say, um, Fishy does care about the environment. She protected the environment in the bubble that surrounds her and that's honestly the only environment we should care about.
Do you know what could've happened if Fishy went on the 3 minute-long walk all the way to Madeo's? She could've walked by a poor eating McDonald's. What if the poor coughed and she accidentally inhaled its McDonald's-infused breath? She would've had to go on a cleanse for at least 389 days to get the toxic-ness out of her pure system? Sure, her slaves could've carried her on a Versace throne, but what if a non-organic leaf from a non-organic tree brushed her face? Think of all the crushed diamond facials she would have to go through to get her face skin back to its pristine state? And Fishy can't set foot on a public sidewalk unless it's been power washed with Voss.
So really, Fishy did do her part for our (not her) environment. Think of all the diamonds and glass Voss bottles that were spared from her taking that ride in a Town Car. Speaking of, she took a TOWN CAR! Do they even make those in Europe? I swear, what more do you monsters want from this woman?
Bitches are just jealous because her carbon footprint was made with a Louboutin. Stay hating, poor whores. Stay. Hating.
After spending weeks trying to get her shit together in rehab and another few weeks on vacation from rehab, Demi Moore is back on the prowl in more ways that one. Lock up your bathroom mirrors, bikinis, Four Loko stash, bath salts and anything else your midwestern suburban teen daughter might get into when it's teacher's day at school and she's home by herself. The former sunshine walker came out last night for the premiere party for some talk show she's executive producing for Lifetime called The Conversation. Demi also returned to her position as Twitter's oversharing and philosophical mom. Yes, Deep Thoughts (And Random Bathroom Bikini Phoot Shoots) with Demi Moore is back. Demi told all of her followers that she's officially breaking up with her Twatter handle and is looking for a new name:
Time for a change, twitter name change... any suggestions?
collecting all the suggestions! thank you. keep them coming!!
@offthekutch? @pleasenomooreofyouinadamnbathroombikini? @kabbalahbabe (Oh, fuck my fingers off, she's totally going to choose that one)?
All is right again. Demi is back on the ho stroll, she's back on Twitter and you're back to caring more about the aromatic undertones of your own farts than what Demi writes on Twitter. The world can continue to pirouette!
Here's more of Demi with Joy Bryant, Chupa, the editor of InStyle, Amanda De Cadanet and Kelly Preston (wearing one of John Travolta's costumes from Hairspray) at the party for The Conversation in Beverly Hills last night. The last time we saw Demi, she looked like the star of Oxygen's remake of The Walking Dead and now she's definitely looking a lot healthier, so I won't comment on how I really want her to teabag me with her cheeks.