America isn't about to let the UK show us up as the demure gypsy flower capital of the world and so the makers of the show where Kate Middleton gets all her style inspiration from, My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding, are bringing us My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding, which will start airing on TLC a week from Sunday. By the looks of this clip from TMZ, we will all overdose on elegance while watching the first episode. This shit is so high brow that I really feel like Sir Laurence Olivier should be narrating it. I mean, you will want to put on your best before hitting play. You're in the presence of refined company.
In the clip shot at a wedding in West Virginia last November, the precious jewel (No, she really is a precious jewel. Her name is Diamond.) wearing a couture dress from Hefty's Botticelli collection is looking to get into it with Mellie, the graceful gazelle wearing an exquisite ensemble she bought with nothing but sticky ones. Diamond (more like a CZ, no, more like a ball of foil) is the maid of honor and doesn't appreciate that Mellie, one of the groom's relatives, is talking shit about the wedding. Mellie sashays out of the church and the two handle their differences the way all fine ladies handle their differences: they get into a nipple-baring, pussy-flashing sidewalk fight. Just when you think that the rubenesque blossom is about to slap Mellie into dust, there's a surprising twist!
Alistair Cooke is up in heaven kicking himself for dying 8 years too soon, because presenting this clip on Masterpiece Theater would've been the highlight of his career.
Not even a pair of jeans can mask the magnificence of CoCo's camel toe - Hollywood Tuna
If you want to hear me ramble into a serious state of drunk, click the link for my conversation with Julie Klausner about how I did phone sex for a second (the sound of my voice will tell you why I didn't last) and other stuff - How Was Your Week? or iTunes
Julia Roberts' subtle bitchiness remains intact.....and why in the hell is she dressed like a schoolgirl from the 60s? - Lainey Gossip
I like that the mask on James Franco's head looks like it was made with several silicone nutsacks - The Superficial
Of course Jennifer Aniston did the slow, silent cry wall slide when she was hit with the news she won't go down in history as Brad Pitt's only wife - Celebitchy
I love it when news people give us that dirty talk - Towleroad
We get it, Miranda Kerr, you can do sex while braiding your hair with your foot, we get it - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
Emily Blunt was dressed like a blunt yesterday and today she's dressed like a blood clot - Popoholic
Chupa Zoe's son looks really happy to be dressed like the star of a baby version of Tom Sawyer - ICYDK
BREAKING: Fishsticks is actually walking - Popsugar
36 reasons why the peace sign needs to say peace out - The Berry
Gross and I bet Jason Segel wrote "I Wuvs U" on Michelle Williams' hand with his fingers - Videogum
The slutty Nirvana look is so not now - Go Fug Yourself
But why does Raz-B have his name written in jizz on his sunglasses? - Crunk + Disorderly
There's not enough ecstasy in the world that'll make me think this raver mess look is hot - Just Jared
Please tell me at least one of these 4/20 cakes has a creamed Fritos filling - Cityrag
Shannen Doherty reunited with all her ghosts from the past last night - Hollywood Rag
Excuse me while I move to Canada, they're showing gay porn on network TV now - OMG Blog
When your stiff-as-a-concrete-erection acting skills in Valentine's Day made Taylor Lautner look like an organic human creature who is capable of producing natural emotions in front of a camera, you should quit the acting shit while you're not ahead and stick to what you're good at: goat yodeling, bearding and training hos to look really surprised at their own surprise parties. Taylor Swift isn't taking my advice, because Variety (via HuffPo) is hearing that she's talking to the producers of Girls Like Us to play Joni Mitchell in the movie. Yeah, so now you know why you saw Joni Mitchell at the coffin store asking the salesperson which one is best for rolling in.
Girls Like Us is based on a book by the same name is about Joni Mitchell, Carole King and Carly Simon in the 60s through the 70s. The producers at looking at Alison Pill as a possibility to play Carole King. CDAN said a couple of months ago that Taylor was going to play Joni, but Variety says this is only an idea and the producers haven't passed her a contract to sign yet. That means there's still time to stop this disaster from happening! It's not too late. I've looked at this from both sides now and both sides are screaming out NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
First, there's a rumor that RiRi's going to play Whitney Houston and now this shit is stabbing us in the soul? What's next? Miley Cyrus as Karen Carpenter? Whores are all about holograms right now, so why don't they just create a hologram of a young Joni Mitchell and make it play a young Joni Mitchell. Or hell, get Hologram Tupac to play Joni Mitchell, because I'd rather see that than listen to Taylor Swift warble out "A Case You."
Throwing an "Okay, just the tip, though" side-eye, Kelly Taylor got dry humped in the butt by Steve Sanders at the party for her new reality show Jennie Garth: A Little Bit of Country at The London Hotel in West Hollywood last night. I'm sure some 90210 fan wrote a Brenda/Kelly/Steve threesome fan fiction on pastel lined paper in their Trapper Keeper during homeroom back in the day, so this is for them, but this is not my kind of 90210 threesome. The only kind of 90210 threesome I want involves Brenda, Dylan and that hot bitch Rick bumping it in the back seat of Kelly's red BMW convertible as Jeremy Jordan serenades them.
Here's a few more from last night's sort of kind not really 90210 reunion. The party was also thrown together to celebrate Kelly's birthday number 40, which I'm pretty sure is also he same age Gabrielle Carteris was when she started playing a freshmen in fucking high school.
Before I get into more of Lindsay Lohan's crackhead antics, I thought I'd wet your whistle (with barf) with this picture of Michael Lohan looking like an uncircumcised turtle dick while striking a vomit-inducing pose in the mirror. Don't you dare throw Michael a compliment for his abs, because we all know those aren't abs under his lycra turtleneck, they're two halved slices of sausage. Moving on....
As Michael Lohan makes a bathroom mirror cry by putting his crack rock hard nipples in front of it, his partner in foolery Lindsay Lohan has been accused of starting the fight that ended with a delicious cocktail getting wasted. Michael tells TMZ that LiLo was the innocent one and she's the one who got splattered at The Standard Hotel on Wednesday night. But a friend of the girl LiLo got into a fight with says she started everything. LiLo was sitting in a booth next to the trick and got bumped. LiLo turned around, tapped the girl on the shoulder and asked her, "Did you bump into me?" The girl denied it and told LiLo it was probably Michael Lohan who was sitting next to her. The rest of the situation went like this:
LiLo: That's my dad, why would he bump into me?
Girl: You go clubbing with your dad?
LiLo: (insert every curse word here) *picks up drink, throws at a ho*
And that's the other side of the story.
Blohan is a self-entitled piece of trash who has about as much sense as she has cartilage in her nose, but if there's one thing she respects it's booze and I doubt she'd waste a drop of it. Water is anti-booze and will dilute your buzz, so I doubt bitch had any of that on her table. If it's not at least 100 proof, LiLo ain't putting it on her table. White Oprah taught her well. So LiLo's totally got the Respect the Booze defense on her side.
And obviously, that girl threw Michael Lohan shade because she was jealous at how his tight sexy white turtleneck makes his titties pop.
When I first scanned across these pictures with my eyes, I braced myself for non-stop puckering by clenching my cheeks, because I really thought this was noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker telling Tyra to kiss his ass and all these man asses as he posed in a photo call for his new job as host of America's Next Top Nalgas. That was wishful fapping, because this is really British swan and choreographer Louie Spence at the opening of the Girls' Day Out Show in Glasgow, Scotland today. This is what you see when you put a rainbow under a microscope. This is also what it looks like when it's buffet night at the Scientology men's lounge. Grab the flavored butt lube and enlarge each pic at your own risk.
America's Next Top J. Jill Catalog Model's ratings have been falling faster than Tyra Banks' sanity and so she has pulled her defibrillator out to try to save it from completely flatlining. The New York Post reports that sometime yesterday, TyTy and the show's executive producer Ken Mok fired noted fashion photographer Nigel Barker, noted sashayer Miss J and noted Tron unicorn Mr. J. All three of them have been with that shit since the beginning. TyTy confirmed on Facebook that the 19th season will be Nigel-less and J-less:
To my Nigel Barker, Miss J, and Mr Jay: Thank you for all of our years together on America's Next Top Model! Working with you is always an absolute pleasure. Excited for what the future holds for us. XOXO, TyTy
Meanwhile, the deflating bag of cold farts that is Kelly Cutrone is staying on as a judge.
Apparently, TyTy is giving the 19th season a complete makeover and wants to bring social media into that shit. The producers are talking to a few fashions bloggers including BryanBoy.
Why doesn't TyTy just get it over with and turn ANTM into America's Next Top Tyra Is Tyra, judged by Tyra, styled by Tyra, starring Tyra and only Tyra? Nigel and Jay Manuel can go, but firing Miss Jay is like purposefully dimming the sparkle on a piece of glitter. TyTy has finally broken out of her straitjacket and gone full crazy bitch. But what's even crazier is that I'll still suffer through season 19, because I have major abandonment issues when it comes to reality shit shows (see: Survivor, Amazing Race, Dancing with the Has-Beens, The Real World, Cops, etc.. etc...).
Because one of my dog's teefs chose today to fuck with him, I had to take him to the doggy dentist to get it pulled out (that's what he gets for smoking meth) and so I'm getting a later start than usual. ("Bitch, don't blame it on the dog. We all know you're starting late, because you spent your 4/20 morning hot boxing in the bathroom to open the pores in your brain." - you) While I get my shit together, get into the gracefully beautiful Texas flower Lisa Gail using her natural auto-tune-free "hound dog with a nasal infection getting circumcised with a rusty screwdriver" voice to school us on the 3 second rule. You'll want to use the 219 second rule while watching this glorious musical masterpiece.
Some people are calling Lisa Gail a Real Housewife from Rebecca Blackville, but this blossom sprouted form the garden of Linda Hogan does it so much better. Did Rebecca Black have back-up singers that sound like a deaf cat orgy? No. Did Rebecca Black's video provide you with several servings of denim camel toe? No. Did Rebecca Black decorate her eyes with a wide tip black marker? No. Did Rebecca Black have dancers that moved like they were trying hard to not break down into shameful tears over agreeing to do this shit? No. This has all of that and more!
And I even had to use the 3 second rule several times while watching this. I mean, Lisa Gail's beauty and talent is so potent that you can only take it 3 seconds at a time.
via Jezebel (Thanks to everybody who sent this in)
Embarrassed by having to be driven .6 miles, Fishy auditions more earth friendly transportation. - Vern
Come on Madonna, just pick one already.... - TFBuckFutter
Entire communities are now adopting Mayim Bialik's Attachment Parenting philosophy. - i_heart_jack
via Reuters (Thanks, G!)
In case you couldn't tell from your Facebook, Twitter and life feed filling up with green smoke, today is the annual tribute to the bong (or as every stoner calls it "a day")! To celebrate Stoner Thanksgiving, today's Hot Slut is every stoner's favorite Sesame Street Muppet, Oscar the Grouch. Oscar can't be bothered to give a fuck, will eye shank you if you don't bring him snacks, lives in a rent-free trash can (or as every New Yorker calls it "a studio apartment") is completely smokable (he kind of is) and I'm sure he farts buds.
Happy 4/20, everyone! Even if you don't mess with the good shit, you can still partake in the festivities by swallowing a 7-Eleven whole.