Archives

Happy Passover, everyone! And I know I'm saying this as a picture of the iguana goddess dressed as the true symbol of Easter (sorry, Jesus) hangs above, but it's a fact that seeing Courtney Stodden as the Easter Bunny makes 9 out of 10 non-Jews convert to Judaism - ONTD

RPattz can pass as a de-zombied SamRo in a certain light, so I'm surprised Lindsay Lohan didn't try to scissor him right there - Lainey Gossip

Isn't it a little early for Pimp Mama Kris to start pushing Kendall Jenner into the Kardashian Family Donkey Show? - Hollywood Tuna

This is your Best Supporting Actress category on meth and THEATER! - Towleroad

How do I make a request for the ginger in the link above to do an impersonation of Salma Hayek as the queen of a Mexican drug cartel? - Celebitchy

Of course Duchess Kate matches her chonies to her dress like any refined royal lady does - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Today's shank eye provided by Grace Park - Popoholic

I'll take two of each - The Berry

Isn't every walk Kim Kuntrashian does, a walk of shame? - ICYDK

The Vanessa Lutz bump watch takes us to el playa - Popsugar

So I guess Brandi Glanville dyed her hair brown the other day - Just Jared

What in the name of Jackie NO is Tila Tequila wearing? - I'm Not Obsessed

Baby riverdancing - Cityrag

The Happy Meal lives on - Hollywood Rag

Hey girl, lighten up, it's not that serious - OMG Blog

Poke at me when Miley Cyrus quits the planet - Videogum

The Wise Voice of Reason: Terror Reid always is - Celebslam

Tell everyone, the Bible has now been replaced as the book with the best pages to using as smoking papers. Snoop Dogg is putting out a new book of words and everything about it from the lyric smoking sheets to the match striker spine can be used to help take you higher. I fully respect an author who tells your ass that his words are better when you smoke them up instead of reading them with your eyes. If only every copy of Twilight was printed on rolling papers. There might be more brain cells in the world.

via Uproxx

For those of you fluent in Google Russian, that headline is asking Harpo who this woman is, because I had to squint like a stoned sloth pushing out a stubborn fart to realize that this is starter beard Renee Zellweger on the cover of Russian's Harper's Bazaar. I don't know whether to ask "What did they do to your face?" or "What did YOU do to your face?"

Renee's face could have suffered at the hands of Photoshop, but it could've also been changed out for a new one at the plastic surgery factory. Renee has been laying low on all fronts, and so maybe during that time she tucked, chopped and stretched her face until she looked like a wax figure of Jack Lemmon in Some Like It Hot.

Somebody has to pay for taking the squint out of Renee's eyes. Life just isn't the same without Renee Zellweger looking like she's doing a really offensive impersonation of Mickey Rooney doing a really offensive impersonation of an Asian in Breakfast at Tiffany's.

via HuffPo

"Guuuuuuurrl, what's that smell?" is a line that came out of the mouth of Ryan Seacrest's assistant this morning and his assistant quickly learned that smell was the lump of sad he made in his underoos after finding out that he's not going to replace Matt Lauer on Today after all. Matt Lauer will glib another day, and then some, because he has signed a new long-term deal to stay on as the co-host of Today for years to come. Matt's current contract expires later this year.

There's a reason why in the picture above Matt looks as awkwardly uncomfortable as GOOPY Paltrow when someone wearing clothes from Sears tries to hug her. Gawker reported almost two weeks ago that Matt wants Today to be a Curry-free zone and would only sign a new contract if the producers dropped her ass. Good Morning America has beat Today in the ratings for the first time in the history of forever and Matt is blaming the stale chemistry between him and Ann Curry for that. So since Matt has signed on, I'm guessing that Ann Curry will soon be saying "good morning, good morning, good morning, good morning" to the clerk at the unemployment office.

I liked Ann Curry before she took over for Meredith, but ever since then it's been painful to watch her. The worst is when Ann interviews a family that has just suffered a tragedy and she has to show with her face that she cares. I haven't seen that kind of blatant overacting since I watched a porn star wearing a dildo hat pretend like she was getting pleasure from another porn star humping it. I swear, a bowl of old curry has better interviewing skills than Ann Curry does.

Today should fire Ann, demote Matt to wine pourer and give Hoda & Kathie Lee all four hours. The ratings would plummet, but Joel McHale's heart would soar.

Since Lindsay Lohan has pressed pause on her felon foolery ways, some child star turned drunk mess has to keep TMZ's live stream court cam warm and that's where Amanda Bynes comes in. The Twitter poet, once retired actress and "chocolate man" aficionado is drying out in a jail cell right now after getting arrested for operating a motor vehicle while drunk on the sweet nectar. But Amanda really unlocked the THIS BITCH achievement by bringing attention to her drunkness by sideswiping a police car.

Gossip Cop says that Amanda tried to pass a police car at around 3 this morning in West Hollywood and failed hard when she scraped the side of it. The police pulled her over, figured out that she had a case of the drunks and brought in. Amanda's bail has been set at $5,000. TMZ reminds us that earlier last month, Amanda drove away from a cop while he was in the middle of writing her a ticket for driving while talking on her cell phone. Amanda later settled that situation by signing the ticket at the police station. TMZ also says that a couple of weeks ago, they watched Amanda stumble out of some club and tried to stop the valet from handing over her car to her, but the valet did it anyway and she drove off.

Some bitches are just TOO bold. Amanda was already winking at the law by handling a steering wheel while under the influence of Jack and then she went even further by flaunting her drunk driving antics in front of a cop? When it gets to that point, you just need to stop, put the car in park, take the keys out of the ignition, get out and head to the nearest bar for an extra tall glass of 100 proof fucks since you obviously need some in your body. You really don't give one F about anything when you try to pass a cop car while drunk. But I guess being good at life choice making really isn't your thing when you drive drunk in the first place.

Agent Cody Banks, please come and get this mess.

UPDATED WITH HER MUG SHOT: I don't know what's worse, her neck and face telling two different color stories or that her hair is a lovely shade of "washing period panties in the sink."

The long zoom to JLo's bottle of scented culito water isn't the only obvious product placement in her video for "Dance Again." JLo is also whoring out her relationship with her bought bitch Casper Smart and is getting her money's worth. This mess starts out with JLo squirming around with glitter all over her body (Twilight bukkake), then she rolls around in the most one-sided boring ass orgy ever (it's like if JLo's overinflated ego split into two dozen entities to solely worship her) and then she dance humps on her Dewey Duck looking boyfriend. I know, this not how you wanted to spend your Good Friday.

Any dude dry thrusting on JLo's Goodyear doody bubble ass off camera should know that eventually he's going to do it on camera too. They've all done it. Cris Judd? Did it. Diddy? Did it. Skeletor? Did it. Ben Affleck (apologies for bird feeding your brain with the chewed up painful memory of Bennifer)? Did it. We all know how those turned out. So it's only a matter of time before we see Casper Smart with a sad on his face as he stares out of the play center window after JLo doesn't pick him up. But in the meantime, JLo and Casper are still making beautiful and natural memories together by partaking in photo-op after photo-op.

Here's JLo taking her daughter and two sons to see the Easter Bunny at The Grove in L.A. yesterday afternoon. I can't wait to go on Awkward Family Photos and see the picture of Casper Smart crying out scared tears while sitting on the Easter Bunny's lap.

If you're devastated by this news, then I'll wait here as you do the silent cry wall slide against a wall that isn't as hard as Nicole Kidman's forehead. All done? Okay, so The Hollywood Reporter is saying that ice cold ice queen Nicole Kidman is in talks to play ice cold ice queen Grace Kelly in Grace of Monaco. Slap yourself with an ice dildo if you're calling it a biopic, because it's not a biopic. It will focus on a 6 month period in 1962 when Grace Kelly was 33 years old and trying to save Monaco from getting coup-ed up by France. The dude who directed La Vie en rose will also direct this.

My outrage over hos playing old time Hollywood legends in movies was used up on Lindsay Lohan leaving a freckled skid mark all over the image of Elizabeth Taylor, so I'm not mad at this. Yes, January Jones was born out of a block of ice to play this role, but there are a lot worse things in life than human tampon popsicle Nicole Kidman playing Grace Jones (typo and it stays for the visuals alone) in a movie. Something worse than that is using Head & Shoulders to fap in the shower. Don't do that unless your genitals are Botoxed like Nicole Kidman's face so you won't be able to feel a sting like no other.

Jessica Simpson's 52 week 3D ultrasound pics. - ijustcant

Runners-up:

Groupon. Kazakhstani Spa Day $2. - El Bastardo

Britney Spears' father Jaimie can finally relax now that Jason Trawick is babysitting Our Lady of Cheetos. - AttentionWhore

Hannibal Lecter's culinary career ended when he took the term "cook in their own juices" far to literally and lost many paying customers as a result. - SalmaNella

via Evil Milk

Jesus Stingray - Jesus Christ, our lord and stinger, has switched things up a bit and instead of showing his image on bananas and grilled cheeses, he's gotten out of the kitchen and has moved to the beach. Erica Scheldt took a picture of a dead cownose ray on Sullivan's Island in North Carolina and she didn't notice that the face of Jesus was staring back at her until she uploaded it to Instagram and one of her friends pointed this out. Christ died so we can all get cracked out on Peeps this Sunday and he rose so that we can all see his face on cownose rays!

Unless Jesus looks like a malnourished, butt-chinned Jeff Bridges as The Dude with a Pac-Man tattoo on his cheek and an upside down coke spoon on his nose (or Chris Robinson getting teabagged and hit in the nose by a lollipop-shaped peen), that's not Jesus! But I won't be able to confirm this until I get to Heaven and Jesus tells me I needed to press the B button in the elevator and not the PH button.

Source: Island Packet via WOW Report

Paul Rudd (43)
Diora Baird (29)
Tim Hasselbeck (34)
Myleene Klass (34)
Candace Cameron Bure (36)
Zach Braff (37)
Joel West (37)
Ari Meyers (43)
Marilu Henner (60)
John Ratzenberger (65)
Barry Levinson (70)
Billy Dee Williams (75)
André Previn (83)