Not a week goes by when I don't use "Excuse my beauteeeeee!" and "Because I like tans on my legs, not on my face!" in casual conversation, so I must give a special brow pencil-lined thanks to Dlisted reader Amanda for keeping the hope of Stephanie Yellowhair's return to television (hopefully not on Cops) alive! As of August 2011, the hottest bitch in the Circle K was alive and well....back in the clink again. Stephanie was busted in Albuquerque, NM and I'm guessing she was put in cuffs for working her looks or for killing lesser hos with glamour (SPOILER ALERT: She was arrested for DWI).
Miss Stephanie also has a Facebook page, which is where my eyeballs have been living for the past few weeks, and a now abandoned blog. I will continue to bring you updates on this highly important story.
And if you haven't seen the sole reason why motion picture recording devices were invented, please watch this in its entirety and memorize every one of Stephanie's lines. There will be a quiz in the morning.
That cop and Stephanie are truly the Laurel & Hardy of this and every generation. SHUT UHHHHHHHHHP!
It looks like that future Mommie Dearest-like tell-all about Katherine Heigl will have two authors instead of one! Because a rep for Katherine (insert the sound you make when you hawk up a crusty phlegm ball) tells Just Jared that she and her husband Josh Kelley have made their 3-year-old daughter Naleigh a sister by adopting a second kid. Katherine's rep closed their mouth to all details about her second kid, but who needs Katherine's rep when we've got The National Enquirer? A source tells the Enquirer that Katherine and Josh adopted an 8-day-old girl from Louisiana. The source went on to say this shit:
“As soon as they got the word the baby was born, Katherine and Josh flew from California to Louisiana to pick up their new daughter. But they didn’t want to let the cat out of the bag too soon about their new little girl. Katherine wanted the infant to have a chance to get acclimated to her new family and surroundings before she introduced her to the world.
To keep the whole thing under wraps, a friend sat with their baby five rows in back of them on the plane trip back to Los Angeles. Only a select few people even know their newborn baby’s name!”
Katherine recently admitted that it took a while to bond with Naleigh and it seemed like her daughter hated her at first ("Do you blame me?" - Naleigh).
We all know Katherine as an insufferable, egotistical asshole whose smug smile makes you want to tell her that you'll see her next Tuesday, but motherhood has softened her edges a bit. I mean, she's not totally a mega bitch anymore. And that's a good reason to never have kids. Raising kids softens your cuntiness! Who wants that?!
It's (NSFW) Lurid Digs: The BABY!!! Hoarder Edition!
If I had 14 kids living under one roof with me, my house would have the word Ayúdame (written by me) scrawled on all of its walls, there would be used heroin spoons scattered all over the floor and every door would have been pulled off of its hinges. Obviously, I'd use the doors as a shield against all the baby poop thrown at me on an hourly basis. Basically, my house would make Grey Gardens look like the "after" shot in an episode of Clean House. But that's why I don't have 14 kids! Which leads me to these pictures from TMZ of OctoMom's House of Horrors. Honestly, I expected a lot worse. Don't get me wrong, it still looks like an abandoned mental hospital turned crack house and I'm sure it smells like a diaper genie's fart times a million, but I still thought it would look a whole lot more disgusting.
Octo's hairstylist (I'll get to that later) gave TMZ the pictures after she filed a complaint with the La Habra Police Department. Stephanie the hairstylist told police and TMZ that the house is covered in graffiti and it has only one working toilet. The kids have to use potty training toilets in the backyard. Octo tried to get the plumbing fixed, but she decided against it after a plumber told her it would cost $150. Stephanie says that the children run around pantless and some of them even have to sleep on the floor since there's not enough mattresses for all of them. Oh, and what's locked behind door number WTF in the picture above? It's not Octo's sanity! It's her kids. Octo told Stephanie that sometimes she keeps them in the bedroom. Do not show this picture to my dog or he may use the same trick on my ass.
La Habra police as well as Child Protective Services paid a visit to Octo's house and looked around for about 90 minutes. They ruled that none of the kids are in immediate danger, so they didn't remove any of them from the house and will continue to investigate.
And about Octo's hairstylist, even though she's still on government assistance and refuses to pay $150 to fix the toilets, she wrote Stephanie a $520 check for two haircuts and a Brazilian blowout.
Octo's house is a mess, the children are pooping in the backyard, their sleeping pads were made by Lumber Liquidators and it's only a matter of time before they declare mutiny on her by drowning her in baby piss, but at least her hair looks hot, right? Who cares about the needs of children?! Nothing else matters when your beauty is intact.
Fine silverware will be traded for Dixie plastic sporks and an open bar will be traded for a pitcher of water at the White House Correspondents Dinner this year, because Lindsay Lohan will show up as a guest of Greta Van Susteren. LiLo will join an illustrious list of past White House Correspondent Dinner guests that includes Kim Kardashian, Bristol Palin, Jeremy Piven, Brooke Burke, Sanjaya, Justin Bieber, Jessica Simpson and Omarosa. I know, reading that list is like visiting the planetarium. So many bright shiny stars! If they were a constellation, their name would be the Orilly (short for the O Rilly These Whores Were Actually Invited To The White House?). Susan Sarandon has no laughs for that.
LiLo's spokeswhore confirms to The Washington Post that she will be there along with her lawyer Shawn Holley who I'm guessing will be there as a crackheadsitter to make sure that ho doesn't break a glass over Hillary Clinton's head for looking at her wrong.
The bad news is that Michelle Obama will have to Super Glue her diamond bracelet to her wrist if she doesn't want LiLo to snatch it away like the sneaky thief she is. But the good news is that the Secret Service don't have to go all the way to Colombia to get some leased coochie. This time, the call girl is coming to them!
And here's LiLo looking like a freshly bloomed marigold at a Star Magazine party in L.A. last night.
People has released their annual World's Most Beautiful Woman issue (known to you and me as the Whose Publicist Agreed To Give People The Most Exclusive Stories And Photo Spreads In Exchange For A Title That Doesn't Mean Shit? issue) and Beyonce beat out the likes of Christina Hendricks, Sofia Vergara and Paula Patton for the crown. Meanwhile, Solange was just named, for the 10th time in a row, the Basement's Most Beautiful Baby by Moth Ball Magazine (subscriber count: 1).
Beyonce used her interview with People to let all of you pillow baby conspiracists know that B.I.C. came directly from her cashmere-covered womb. If you're a South American surrogate living in a Manhattan apartment mysteriously bought by a company called Lace Front Inc., please hold your laughter.
"I feel more beautiful than I've ever felt because I've given birth. I have never felt so connected, never felt like I had such a purpose on this earth.
The best thing about having a daughter is having a true legacy. The word 'love' means something completely different now."
No comment. But I will comment on that cover. I, for one, am glad Beyonce was named the World's Most Beautiful Woman, because if she wasn't we wouldn't see this picture that looks straight out of a Glamour Shots in New Mexico.
And now I leave you with these pictures of Dlisted's Most Beautiful Woman, Auntie Dionne, getting all the numbers in Philadelphia last night.
This is just the beginning. Wait until you see what she has in store for the Team Pitt verses Team Theroux wedding day battle. - zomay
She Twi'ed Two Hard. - turnelbup
When she read "Taylor Lautner enjoys a flamer with a giant tent" on one of the gossip websites, she knew just how to get his attention. - GingeMinge
The House of Dereon has launched a line of plus size prom dresses. The designs are inspired by Illuminati fixtures such as teen werewolves, vampires and Satan's ninth circle of Hell. - SteelCityGirl
The planet's newest world wonder: Pizza Hut's Cheeseburger Crusted Pizza! This utopia of deliciousness is only sold at Pizza Huts in the Middle East, so yeah, I'll see all of you at the airport. It'll be easy to spot me in the security line, because I'll be the one grabbing onto my stomach bag as it tries to escape out of my ass. I don't even recognize the sounds my stomach is making right now. This is what it sounds like when your will to live cries.
We were told as children that the cheeseburger crusted pizza was a mythical creature that only existed deep inside of Kirstie Alley's greasy dreams, but dreams are made to come true. Pizza Hut's Crown Crust Pizza also comes with a chicken fillet stuffed crust, but who cares about that when you can wrap your eating hole around a pizza that is giving birth (or shitting) out tiny cheeseburgers! It's like a piece of Jessica Simpson's afterbirth in your mouth.
One of my arteries popped just from watching the commercial and that's always a good sign!
I don't know whether I should feel proud or disappointed that this Giving Up On Life Special didn't come from the fat bitch capital of the world: America. Yeah, I definitely feel the latter, but I'll be proud to be an American again when Pizza Hut US introduces the first ever deep fried bacon stuffed cheeseburger crusted pizza wrapped in a corn dog shell with a tub of Hidden Valley Ranch dipping frosting on the side. Don't me down, Amurica!
Hank Azaria (48)
Sara Paxton (24)
Marguerite Moreau (35)
Jason Lee (42)
Renee Zellweger (43)
Gina Torres (43)
Andy Bell (48)
Talia Shire (66)
Bjorn Ulvaeus (67)
Len Goodman (68)
Al Pacino (72)
William Roache (80)
That cash-collection cackling just warmed the veins in Lucifer's horns.
Pimp Mama Kris is so winning that lifetime achievement award at the Pimp's Ball this year, because her stable of whores will get paid $40 million dollars for three more seasons of doing absolutely nothing in front of E!'s cameras. E! announced today that they have made their sacrifice to Satan by renewing Keeping Up With the Kuntrashians for 3 more seasons and TMZ says the deal is worth $40 million. Kim, Khloezilla, the other one, Pimp Mama Kris and their lesbian grandma Bruce Jenner will get their greedy paws around most of the pot and Kendall, Kylie and Rob will get the rest. Scott Disick and Lamar Odom have their own deals. The deal only includes the Kuntrashian's current shit shows, so Kim will make even more money when E! eventually greenlights Kim & Kanye Kill Humanity.
And TMZ doesn't even mention how much E! put in Ryan Seacrest's leprechaun pot for staying on as executive producer. That's on top of the $30 million he's getting for Idol. It's Teabag Tuesdays at the Scientology's men's lounge, so usually Tommy Girl is the happiest troll in all the land, but not today. Gaycrest is!
I can think of a lot better ways to spend $40 million (examples: make a burning man out of one dollar bills and let the hippies burn it to the ground, buy PUPPIES for everyone, pay a discount hooker to give $1 handjobs to 40 million people, etc...), but we're to blame. We created these whores! We fed the whore monster. Speaking of feeding the monster, Ray-J has his crooked peen out and is patiently waiting for Pimp Mama Kris to feed it 10% of their deal for creating all of this.
Oh look, Gary Giordano's got a new business venture - OMG Blog
I bet even Jason Segel and Michelle Williams' after-Mexican food farts sound cute together - Lainey Gossip
But is Megan Fox's maybe baby going to get her toe thumbs? - The Superficial
Fist Brown is a pit bull puppy broker now - Celebitchy
Nothing like a little super brotherly love in the Mushroom Kingdoom - Towleroad
Pamela Anderon's luscious weave tracks look like squid jerky - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather
A check is a check: Alfonso Ribeiro twerks it in a nationwide Carlton Dance flash mob to advertise some weight loss shit - The Daily What
Miley Cyrus Tweets a picture of her legs, which might be the most exciting thing she's done in a while - Hollywood Tuna
That'll be gold-covered lifts for Ryan Seacrest from now on, thankyouverymuch - ICYDK
And yet that taxidermy raven is still more photogenic than Celing Eyes - Popoholic
Fisting gone wrong? - Popsugar
I'd rather see 23 pictures of the hot bitch in picture #20 - The Berry
Compton's own Stretch Armstrong doll (copyright: Fresh) shoots down your Hologram Tupac dreams - Crunk + Disorderly
For why doesn't John Travolta ever get a 5 minute segment on the local news when he goes trolling through The Rambles? - Videogum
Being a crazy slut is a lot better than being John Edwards - Hollywood Rag
Cher finally reveals her natural hair - Cityrag
The trailer tramp look does wonders for Nicole Kidman and it's the hottest she's ever looked - Just Jared