Chelsea Handler must not mind it when a scorned Brangeloonie leaves a severed Grey Goose (The vodka bottle, not the animal. That hurts Chelsea more.) on her doorstep, because she's still throwing shit at St. Angie Jo's glowing halo. Chelsea got banned from heaven's gates back in 2010 when she called Angie a home wrecking cunt during her stand-up act and the ho is at again. During an interview with More magazine (via Page Six), Jennifer Aniston's long lost sister separated at the tequila bottle farted at the mouth about how there's certain women that other women shouldn't trust. When More asked Chelsea what her idea of a non-girl's girl is, she summoned an ice cold, razor sharp side-eye from Maddox by saying this:
“Probably Angelina Jolie . . . She [Jolie] doesn’t strike me as someone I would have a close friendship with.”
Does Jennifer Aniston fill Chelsea's pool with top shelf vodka every time she publicly puts Angie's name on the bitch list, because damn it's like those two got a bet going or something. I love the shade of it all. But Chelsea doesn't have to tell us she's not ever going to make Angie a size -10 friendship bracelet, because we all know that she's the CEO of TEAM JEN. Chelsea hates Angie as much as she hates sunscreen and water that doesn't get you drunk. But does Chelsea know that Jesus transferred his powers over to Angie so that bitch can turn potatoes into vodka and Perrier into mimosas, because that could be a deal breaker.
Seen here giving us Johnny Appleseed glamour realness last year, Robin Gibb slipped into a coma more than a week ago and his doctors basically said it was only a matter of time before Justin Timberlake would be giving the eulogy at Robin Gibb's memorial as Robin Gibb. But now everybody can exhale while hollerin' out the chorus from Emotion, because he woke up yesterday. Robin is completely awake and already talking. It's a 4/20 (a day late, because stoners are slow when it comes to all things including praying for Robin Gibb to wake up) miracle! I'll let you use the "Stayin' Alive" joke you've been working on for this very occasion.
Robin was diagnosed with liver and colon cancer late last year, but it's currently in remission. Robin fell into a coma while battling a case of pneumonia. Robin's doctors released this statement to People yesterday:
"Robin is fully conscious, lucid and able to speak to his loved ones. He is breathing on his own, with an oxygen mask. He is on intravenous feeding and antibiotics. He is of course, exhausted, extremely weak and malnourished."
Robin's doctors went on to say that his wife Dwina, his brother Barry and other family members have been singing to him and playing his favorite music while he was in a coma. Robin's doctors also added that the first thing he said after he woke up was, "Okay, all y'all bitches can shut the hell up now." Yeah, Robin has a southern accent now. It happens.
A funny thing happened last week, useless trust fund trash Peaches Honeyblossom Geldof gave birth to an actual human being and the authorities didn't quickly sweep in to grab that poor child and give him to something that can raise him better than she can, like an actual peach fermenting on the dirt. So because that didn't happen, Peaches and her sexy hot fiancé Thomas Cohen are now raising a son who she'll eventually trade for a half-smoked Pall Mall when she needs a quick fag fix. Peaches made the announcement on Twitter yesterday and I'm sure she's already tattooed this announcement on her kid's inner thigh using old mascara and a heated needle:
Yes, its true- I'M A MUMMY!!!!
My little boy is the most beautiful thing in this world. When he holds @tomfromscum's finger with his hand its the sweetest thing ever. X
Why couldn't Peaches mean that she turned into an actual mummy. That problem could be solved with a simple call to Brendan Fraser.
As for the name, Peaches rep (she has one of those) tells Metro UK that they have named their son Astala. Yeah, ASTALA. Personally, I sort of like the name Astala since it sounds like the name of the last boss in a Prince of Persia video game or like the name of a perfume for your butt cheeks by Alexis Carrington. I'm just mad that Astala's middle name isn't Vista.
All further jokes about Peaches' possible mothering skills aside, at least Astala Vista Baby has a father who knows how to pick a pair of pants that gives off the illusion of having a low hanging camel toe. That is a quality all father's should have.
In honor of Earth Day, here's the prim and proper flower belles from Rose Petal Place! The Rose Petal Place ladies bloomed from the garden of the 80s and had their own line of dolls, a movie (which used the voice stylings of Marie Fucking Osmond), a board game, a lunch box and a bunch of other crap. The Rose Petal Place beauties consisted of its star Rose Petal (who was like Mimi of the 80s since her singing voice kept the flowers alive), Sunny Sunflower, Iris, Cherry Blossom, Marigold, Orchid, Lily Fair, a bunch of other flowers and their arch nemesis Nastina (not be confused with Xtina). The Rose Petal Place Wiki page best explains the history of Katy Perry's fashion and beauty icons:
"Rose Petal Place began a long time ago when a girl was moving away from her lovely home and garden. She cried for her beloved garden because no one would be there to take care of her flowers. She didn't want them to perish so she made a secret wish that the flowers would live forever..."
Out of this magical wish, combined with her tears of love, brought Rose Petal and all of her friends (Lily Fair, Daffodil, Orchid, Sunny Sunflower, and Iris) to life. They still reside in this garden tending the little girl's flowers. Rose Petal made her home out of a watering pail that was left there and turned it into "palace." And so begins the tale...."
They used a lot of words to basically say that every toy maker in the 80s was beyond high on acid. How many times do you think they tried to smoke up one of those Rose Petal Place dolls? But nobody needs to try to get high from toking on some Rose Petal hair since the commercial will take you up, up and away:
Happy Earth Day, everyone! Spend the day smoking up some of God's green earth before trying to bring a flower to life with your own teardrop.
Jack Nicholson (75)
Amber Heard (26)
Amelle Berrabah (28)
Michelle Ryan (28)
Eric Mabius (41)
Ingo Rademacher (41)
Sherri Shephard (45)
Sheryl Lee (45)
Jeffrey Dean Morgan (46)
Peter Frampton (62)
John Waters (66)
Charlotte Rae (86)
Just like in the Travolta household (you can't convince me Kelly Preston birthed out that last one), in the seahorse world the dude is the one who does the birthing and does the birthing he does. If you haven't seen a seahorse giving birth, then you truly haven't witnessed the cum shot of all cum shots, but this cum shot has actual fully formed babies in it! Those seafoals just keep coming and coming and coming and coming.... Dude is a squirter and then some. Meanwhile, the lady seahorse is like, "Bitch, hurry the hell up so we can get it on again before I send you back to the kitchen to make me a sangwich!" That horny seaho isn't even waiting until the swelling on her dude's front butt has gone down. Seahorses don't mess around when it comes to sexin', birthin' and everything else.
via 22 Words
And here's Pimp Mama Kris' latest fame-getting scheme going for a not-at-all staged and completely unchoreographed strut through NYC today. Pimp Mama Kris should really stuff a bonus in Kim Karkrashian's whore jar for flashing a perfect "if this doesn't get the cover of Life & Style I'm going to sacrifice another kitten to my creator Lucifer" smile at just the right time. Pimp Mama Kris has those whores trained well. I was about to say that the only thing real in these pictures is that ice cream cone, but I'm sure it's made from the same plastic Kim's face is made of and was rented from a prop shop.
Organic beauty collided with natural glamour at the Rockit Masquerade Ball at XL in NYC last night when the world's first supermess Janice Dickinson touched her collagen-filled labia lips next to fully functional mannequin goddess Amanda Lepore. Janice Dickinson is this generation's Jane Russell and Amanda Lepore is this generation's Marilyn Monroe (sorry, LiLo) and so if you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes through a crystal, these pictures are what you'll see. Or is if it you watch Gentlemen Prefer Blondes while high on crystal, these pictures are what you'll see? I get confused.
The heat from the lights threatened to turn Janice and Mandy into one giant puddle of melted beef jerky, silicone, liquified porcelain, red rubber and candle wax, but they kept thrusting because the show must always go on.
If you want to know what a Jell-O mold looks like in heaven, get on this NSFWBWAYWAAPTFUGBLT (Not Safe For Work But Why Are You Working At A Place That Frowns Upon Glorious Beauty Like This) link to see Mandy's exquisitely sculpted chest domes.
The housekeeping department at The Standard Hotel no longer has to worry about wiping dirty bronzer skid marks from the toilet seats Lindsay Lohan does lines off of, because she has vowed to never ever terrorize that place again. LiLo made that decision, because she somehow magically keeps getting into bitch brawl after bitch brawl there. You know, because the place is the drunked up, cracked out mess, not her. TMZ says that LiLo is on the prowl for a new place to haunt and so every bar in L.A. should probably only use plastic glasses from now on. TMZ also said this shit:
We're told Lindsay is fully aware she's now a big fat target ... knowing full well there are people who want either quick publicity, some easy money or both -- but she vows not to become a shut-in out of fear.
As for Wednesday's drink-throwing debacle -- Lindsay admits she was at The Standard's nightclub Smoke and Mirrors ... but insists the other girl was the instigator.
What ever happened to LiLo promising to spend her nights knitting bible verses into pillow cases while sipping lukewarm lemon water from a mug? This dumb bitch. Trouble doesn't go looking for LiLo, LiLo goes looking for trouble. It's like if I go on Craigslist looking for peen and then clutch my pearls three hours later when I've suddenly got a dick in my ass. HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?! If LiLo wasn't dumber than a suppository, she'd monetize being a mess. She'd move back to the East Coast, join the cast of Mob Wives and get paid to scrap with hos in bars.
(Picture via Pacific Coast News)
Marcus Mumford from that British folk band Mumford & Sons married human Pixie stick Carey Mulligan in the English countryside today in front of a bunch of guests including former homewrecker hero Sienna Miller, Jakey Gyllenhaal and Colin Firth. That dizziness filling your head is your blood sugar levels rising from the word twee fucking you hard after reading that last sentence. I mean, Carey Mulligan and the dude from Mumford & Sons (or as Jezebel so perfectly puts it, "the Sith Michelle Williams and Jason Segel") barfing out their love for each other in a country wedding?
I bet their dancefloor is a field of wild flowers and they're dancing barefoot like a bunch of rich hippies as a dude wearing a tweed three-piece suit plays the harmonica while sitting in a tree. I can practically hear the laughs from blonde little girls in white cotton fairy princess dresses chasing fireflies around. I'm sure all their wedding pictures were taken with an accordion camera and Carey and Marcus will leave the wedding reception on a wooden wagon pulled by a pony with a flower wreath on its head. A British Knott's Berry Farm mess.
UsWeekly says that Marcus and Carey have been together a little over a year, but they knew each other as children. Marcus and Carey became pen pals through their churches. I know, they're just too much. From childhood church pen pals to getting married in a country wedding? I'm pretty sure I've already that story and I'm pretty sure it was written by the lady who wrote Anne of Green Gables.
(Image via Pacific Coast News)