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Well, now I know what I would look like if I changed my ethnicity, flat ironed my hair with two steam irons, used a teeth pump to grow my teefs, bleached my skin and somehow found a way to move the chunks of lard in my gut up into my titty area. Thanks for that, Anne Hathaway!

With her skin covered in SPF: Anti-Tan Mom, Anne frolicked and dipped into the ocean in Miami with some of her friends including polo player Nacho Figueras. As some of your asses know, Anne has a good reason for why her hair looks like it was cut by a 95-year-old blind paraplegic man with blunt knives tied to the stumps where his hands used to be. Bitch did it for that Les Miserable movie. So because Anne will probably win an OSCAH! (or at least a Razzie), I won't totally shade her for looking like a 19th century street urchin boy who singed his hair off while roasting rats on a trash can grill. It's very "please, sir, can I want some more" glamour.

There have been many false reports about this actress in the past… but this time she really is pregnant!

She is not married to her Significant Other – and we are assuming that he is the baby’s father – so the couple will need to make a decision in the next few weeks. Since she is over the age of 30 and loves children, her friends believe that she will opt to keep the baby. We have heard that her S.O. is not especially eager to get married, so she may be going the single-parent route for now.

She is only approximately five weeks along, so there is nothing to see yet. But, with summer right around the corner, it will be difficult our actress to cover up the pregnancy once she does start showing. Given how slim she is, we expect that you’ll start to see a bump sooner rather than later, perhaps as early as the middle of June. Oh, and although it is too early to know the gender of the baby either, we predict that the couple will opt for a European-sounding name. (Blind Gossip)

This is obviously about Jennifer Aniston since every other damn week a different tabloid says a fetus has checked into her baby-growing bag, but why would she go with a European-sounding name? Because Jennifer is Greek and Justin Theroux's name is French. (Note: I'm pretty sure Theroux in French means "throw up." I think.) Yeah, so that part I don't get. Because Jennifer is obviously going to name her maybe baby F.U. Maddox and that doesn't sound very European to me. Unless she goes with F. Eux Maddox.....

Which straight male actor recently made a pass at a very straight male artist by putting his hand on his knee and inviting him to a European gay bar? (Page Six)

When I Googled "totally straight musician," Dave Grohl's face was number one and when I Googled "straight male actor," Ryan Phillippe was in the first row. So I'll throw Dave Grohl and Ryan Phillippe's names into the guess box even though this is probably about James Franco and James Franco since he's an actor AND an artist.

Which star, currently in the news, must have such a high opinion of himself that he needs to massage his ego quite frequently? He was, for quite some time, having sex with someone who worked professionally as his own lookalike. (Some of his more casual hook-ups too are said to have more than a passing resemblance.) (Popbitch)

It's a known fact (it's not a known fact at all) that James Franco's Real Doll is covered with Mylar so he can see his own reflection while humping it, but every clue in this blind item points to John Travolta. Having just watched two elephant seals viciously fight each other in an episode of Frozen Planet, I feel like I totally know what it looks like when John Travolta and his impersonator go to Fucktown together.

In the past week, all the NFL teams had mini-camps, but the biggest talk among the players on one team was not about their new teams or the upcoming season, but what is being called the greatest celebrity sex tape ever. Apparently this former A+ list Tweener not named Miley or one of the Cheetah Girls made a sex tape with this newly drafted NFL player. The player who went to school in California was talking about how he had dated this Tweener and someone said prove it and out comes a full 15 minute video on his iPad. The next thing you know every player was gathered around this iPad and there was almost complete silence for the full 15 minutes. Afterwards, the noise was deafening and players begged to watch it again. For the entire mini-camp all anyone could talk about was the sex tape and what exactly goes on during it. (CDAN

Demi Lovato and a dude named Chad since 9 out of 10 football players are named Chad.

Santino (not that Santino) a chimp at Sweden's Furuvik Zoo who is sick of being on display (Melissa Gorga feels his pain) for us humans and is revolting! The chimp uprising has found its leader. I'm sure James Franco, Marky Mark, hologram Charlton Heston or whoever the hell is staring in those Planet of the Apes movies nowadays is going to find a way to take credit for this.

One day in 2010, 34-year-old Santino showed a group of peeping bitches at the zoo that he didn't want to be their amusement anymore by throwing rocks while screaming at them. None of the visitors were hit, because they ran out of the way in time. ABC News reports that according to a study recently published PLoS ONE, the same group of visitors came back later in the day to try to get another look at Santino. Santino was not having it, but he figured out a new strategy. Santino nonchalantly chewed on an apple with one hand while discreetly holding a rock with the other. When he got within throwing range, he hurled the rock and watched those whores scatter. You haven't seen a chimp bust an internal orgasm of happiness until you've seen Santino watch his victims run for their lives!

When visitors realized what Santino was up to, he got sneakier and sneakier. Santino brought out a pile of hay from his sleeping area and placed it close to where visitors approach. Santino hid a bunch of ammunition under the hay. Every time an enemy got close enough, he'd casually strut up to his pile of hay, quickly grab a rock and chuck it at the bitch. Santino did this for almost four months until the zoo closed for the season. When the zoo reopened for the 2011 season, Santino declared that stoning was so last season and he retired his rock-throwing hand, but researchers think that he's quietly coming up with a more devious plan to take over the world and make us his slave bitches.

I, for one, welcome our new chimp overlord. It's refreshing, because unlike his relatives, the Kardashians, Santino does not live for having all eyes on him. I know, it was wrong of me to compare Santino to the Kuntrashians and I should be stoned for that alone. Fire up the bong!

(For Victor)

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