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Bollywood star Aishwarya Rai has been described as the most gorgeous woman in the world by people who obviously have never felt their retinas curl from the sheer shock of Shauna Sand's natural beauty. But when a picture of a fuller Aishwarya Rai, taken six months after she gave birth, made the rounds, some dim-brained shit bags told her to get out of the kitchen and get back on the treadmill! According to them, it's her job as a Bollywood star to be skinny at all times...like Posh! Yeah, those bitches completely lost me when they compared Aishwarya Rai, a human being, to Posh, an alien amphibian who loses her 4 pounds of baby weight by shedding her skin on the plastic surgeon's table while nurses from NASA suck tiny particles of fat from her gills with Dyson wet vacs. That seems unfair, but that's probably just me.

At AmfAR's Cinema Against AIDS gala in Cannes last night, Aishwarya Rai made her first red carpet appearance since dumb fucks called her fat and ugly, and guess what? She still looked hot. To me, Aishwarya Rai would still be gorgeous even if she had 50 extra pounds on her body and those 50 extra pounds were from wearing a floor length coat made of hideous glove shoes, boots made from Kardashian taint hair, three extra chins covered with UGGs fur, a CROCs top hat and a beaver backpack with Chris Brown's face on it. I know, I went too far with whole "Chris Brown backpack" thing.

Gay bug zapper Kylie Min...wait. I was going to make a joke about how Kylie Minogue draws the homos in with her vivacious pop tracks and tiny beauty like a backyard bug zapper but then I realized that "gay bug zapper" sounds like she cures AIDS. Also, she doesn't kill gays after she draws them in. That we know of. Bad analogy.

Kylie Minogue's got a new track, a new pair of coochie cutters, and A NEW VERSION OF THE SLUT DRESS! Her stylist got out the exacto and sliced up a spandex tube dress from 1989, transforming it into an easy-access garment full of regality! Anja Rubik and Isabella Recke are all over this shit for their next red carpet affair.

This video for "Timebomb" is full of charisma, uniqueness (not really), nerve and talent (questionable)! Follow Kylie as she knocks over people's shit and refuses to Rupaulogize for it; steals bitches' camera phones and just throws them away; and visits several sex clubs (booty tooting against a wall and offering the cameraman anal in one). She gets so much done in a day.

I also noted Ms. Minogue knows her hanky code. Let's see - red in the back right pocket. Total Muppet. Loves it up to the elbow. Video below:

It wouldn't be Memorial Day weekend without dumb bitches getting into their stars n' stripes drankin' thongs, guzzling down a 12-pack of Natty Light, and driving their slutmobiles into telephones poles. God bless America, hunty.

Porn czarina Jenna Jameson got pinched for DUI last night. TMZ sez her drunk and whorey car made out with a cold and withholding telephone pole around 1:30 AM. Jenna must have failed to say her ABCs backwards so she was handcuffed on suspicion of DUI. Much like Jenna's, her car's vagine is always hungry for something long, tall and stiff.

It's a "misdemeanor suspicion of DUI" so she's probably already been released into the wild.

In her defense, I'm guessing the ABCs aren't in her repertoire anyways. She probably wasn't even drunk! Her eyes are sinking into the middle of her face so it's not like she can see the road at night times! Do we really think Jenna can't handle her hooch?

Seriously, though, call a fucking cab. Or get on the bus. We've all experienced the joys of public transportation whilst inebriated. You make so many new friends. They're fine with you making a vom puddle. They can just step over it and wish you well.

It's awesome times to be back with you sexy fucks. Whenever Michael K.'s slut ass asks me, I feel a burst in my heart. It's probably the deep-fried Yodels.

Since J. Harvey is a certified drunk mess, I felt it was only fitting to announce his triumphant return with these pictures of Our Patron Saint of Patron, Kate Moss, trying to figure out how "this walking thing" works while leaving a Mexican restaurant in London with her husband Count Von Count last night. But before I get into Drunk Ass Kate being Drunk Ass Kate....

One of the more reliable voices in my head tells me that the sanctity of marriage will receive a flaming breath of life this weekend when the most gorgeous ginger lesbian on every planet Rojo Caliente marries Cynthia Nixon. So because of this, I'm going to spend my entire Memorial Day Weekend throwing confetti made of double pleated Dockers in the streets to celebrate the greatest ROYAL GINGER LESBIAN WEDDING OF OUR TIME! No, I won't be doing that, but I did hear that a Rojo Caliente wedding might be upon us soon, so gird your souls! My mom is in town, so my sister and I will be spending our Memorial Day Weekend fighting with each other in various restaurants around the city. While I do that, J. Harvey will be spreading the foolery on Dlisted starting today through Monday. I'll still be posting sporadically (file that under: smart words I learned while watching Clueless) throughout the weekend, so you haven't completely gotten rid of me. I'll be back full-time on Tuesday where we'll continue to investigate the mysteries of dick cheese, etc...

And now, here's Kate Moss threatening all of us with a good time by leaving her fly open while leaving that Mexican restaurant. I don't know if that peep show sign is just a decoration to make that place look edgy or if there's a porn store next door, but I sort of like the idea of a Mexican restaurant/sex store. Yes, it would smell like a donkey show star's fart, but I've smelled worse in the subway during August. I mean, when you're jacking off in a sex store, don't you really wish that you had a bowl of refried beans in your other hand? Hold the queso blanco.

Even though they were halfway through the season, John Travolta told his team that somehow their new uniforms were STILL not ready! - Whamo

Runners-up:

Cristiano Ronaldo yawned, not wanting to leave the pleasant dream he was having. - SANS FARDS

The guys soon learned that playing Strip Rugby against the girls wasn't such a great idea after all. - by Aunt B

via FunPic

When I was 5 or 6, my mom bought my sister and me these stupid blinking flashlights from the Ice Capades, and since it was the 80s we were mesmerized at how the lights blinked off and on by themselves. We played with those dumb things all night like a couple of ravers. We weren't even rolling on ecstasy! Sad, I know. The annoying sounds of brats giggling like crackheads during the night quickly tugged at my mom's nerves and so she confiscated those flashlights and put them at the top of this bookcase/desk unit thing in our bedroom. She didn't realize then that most children are crazy, dumb as all hell and fuck deficient. The next day, my sister and I pulled the desk drawers open and started to climb up Mt. Bookcase. If Cliffhanger came out in the 80s, that's the movie we would've played. (Remember when you "played" movies.) I would've been Janine Turner, of course, and she would've been that homely blond ho. About halfway up, the bookcase started to wobble forward and that's when we guessed the only light show we'd see that day is the one that would lead us to the afterworld after we fell to our deaths. The bookcase fell on top of us and we both hit the floor. It actually wasn't that much of a fall. It was maybe 4 feet, but we were kids. We were dramatic. The bookshelf trapped both of us, but I managed to squeeze out, grab my flashlight and go to my abuelita's room to play with it. My sister was still trapped under the bookcase, but I'm assuming she eventually got out, because I just saw her last week.

What I'm getting at is that if we had a smart Klee Kai puppy like Caos, that shit would've never happened to us. Because Caos would've taught us how to properly climb drawers to get what you want.

via Tastefully Offensive

Cillian Murphy (36)
Ethan Suplee (36)
Lauryn Hill (37)
Molly Sims (39)
Lindsay and Sidney Greenbush (42)
Jamie Kennedy (42)
Octavia Spencer (42)
Anne Heche (43)
Stacy London (43)
Mike Myers (49)
Connie Sellecca (57)
Eve Ensler (59)
Jacki Weaver (65)
Frank Oz (68)
Leslie Uggams (69)
Ian McKellen (73)

After an international casting search (a couple of days of auditions in a casting trailer on a lot somewhere in Culver City) that stretched several continents (the casting agents ordered Chinese for lunch one day, so that counts, right?) and saw dozens of A-list actors (A as in anydudewhoagreestoworkwiththatmess), Lindsay Lohan's finally got her Dick. Deadline Hollywood says that Kiwi actor Grant Bowler has been cast as Richard Burton and will start filming Lifetime's soon-to-be-mess Liz & Dick in only 10 days. The press release about Grant's casting from executive producer Larry A. Thompson is a hilarious and ridiculous string of words and I swear I could practically taste the bad shit particles floating off of each letter, because he was definitely high on some shit when he dictated this to his administrative assistant:

“Grant will add gravitas to our couple and bring to life one of the greatest actors who has ever lived. Burton was a Welsh poet, a rascal, and a man’s man, who swept Elizabeth Taylor off her feet and flew her so close to the sun that they both exploded into stardust that still lights up Hollywood.”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I hope the entire script is like that, because that is shit wrapped in gold double wrapped in shit again. "He flew her so close to the sun...." Is that how they're going to explain why the skin of LiLo's Liz looks like Panda Express orange chicken that was left under a heat lamp too long. Damn, this is going to be good.

Grant was in Ugly Betty (as Wilhelmina's piece), True Blood (as Cooter), GCB, Atlas Shrugged and he he hosts Australia's Amazing Race. And soon he'll be known as the grown man who is running nekkid ass nekkid down the 405 while pulling his hair out, because trying to work with that freckled mess put the crazies in him. Oh, and Grant better hold a spray bottle full of self tan remover at all times, because White Oprah is so going to try wrap her legs around his head and bitch is allergic to that shit.

It's been a quick millisecond since the X-Factor started filming in Austin, TX and STUNT QUEEN extraordinaire Simon Cowell is already pulling out the tricks. TMZ says that Brit Brit played the quit this bitch card by leaving the judge's table, because she was upset that a contestant on stage slowly murdered her "Hold It Against Me." Yeah, I didn't know it was humanly possible for a ho to make that song sound any worse than it really does. Brit Brit is the only bitch allowed to butcher her songs! So she stormed backstage right after she asked her conservators and three local judges for permission to do so. But she still did it! The perfect commercial break cliffhanger! Will Brit Brit come back? Is she backstage shaving her weave off with one hand while umbrella-ing a production assistant in the dick with the other? Will the audience's bulging and shocked eyeballs ever retreat into their sockets? Will Simon Cowell ever stop deviously patting his hairy chest muffins while cackling over how much attention this mess is getting.

TMZ says that a few contestants auditioned before Brit Brit finally came back to her seat. Some people on Twitter say that it wasn't even that much of a Norma Desmond moment and Brit Brit just took a quick break from judging. They said she eventually came back to the judge's table.

Hold up. Brit Brit took a break while all the other judges sat there? I know what kind of break that was. It was an "unleash the prairie dog" kind of break. Bitch broke it off right over the toilet. Forget the match, somebody light a torch (or a lighter in front of a can of AquaNet will do). That's what happens when Brit Brit eats a Snickers and Doritos sandwich before showtime.

Panty Creamer of the Day: Joseph Gordon-Levitt (and those are 8 words and a hyphen I thought I'd never type in a row) - Popsugar

KiKi Dunst always looks like she's off to play a fairy in an outdoor theater production of Midsummer Night's Dream - Lainey Gossip 

RiRi shows us what a still from a Battlefield Earth porn parody might look like - The Berry

How many hos are going to use this to line their coochie tunnels with? - Towleroad

And Leandro Whateverhisnameis looks really excited about it... - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Jared Smith's facial expression knob must be stuck on SMUG - Celebitchy

German flower Micaela Schaefer is obviously making a bold message about the dangers of leaving soda pack rings lying on the beach - Hollywood Tuna

Nicole Scherzinger's face is starting to look snatched - Popoholic

Kelly Clarkson dropped the chunk for a man - The Superficial

Prison food or school food? - Cityrag

Lindsay Lohan, obviously - Videogum

Vanessa Hudgens' ass got hungry - Celebslam

I kind of want to see Gerard Butler and Adrien Brody bump staches - Just Jared

The RoboCop remake is still happening and now Gary Oldman's in it - Hollywood Rag

David Silver's next kid is going to be a girl - IDLYITW

Levi Johnston will do gay porn in 3....2.. - I'm Not Obsessed

Imagine all the flowers in that room. A mess! - OMG Blog

(Picture via Pacific Coast News)