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During an interview on the Zarin household's favorite show Bethenny, David Arquette showed everyone what's he been up to ever since he dried out in rehab and his wife Courteney Cox filed papers to legally quit his ass. David has been spending a lot of time getting poked by the tattoo needle and he proved that by lifting up his shirt to show the gigantic mark of the nerd on his torso. Dude gave Wonder Woman a whole lot of real estate on his body. If nerds could cum tattoo ink, that's what their cum shots would look like. Well, if David's piece ever gets bored while riding him, she can open the flashlight app on her iPhone, lean to the left and read something to pass the time.

via DM

Twilight fanfic writer turned New York Times best-selling author E.L. James is orgasming with her entire body weekly and it's not from reading her own book, that's for fucking sure. It's from reading her bank statement. As each week goes by, E.L. becomes a million dollars richer and she owes it all such beautiful poetry like this:

“Does this mean you’re going to make love to me tonight, Christian?” Holy shit. Did I just say that? His mouth drops open slightly, but he recovers quickly. “No, Anastasia it doesn’t. Firstly, I don’t make love. I fuck… hard. Secondly, there’s a lot more paperwork to do, and thirdly, you don’t yet know what you’re in for. You could still run for the hills. Come, I want to show you my playroom.” My mouth drops open. Fuck hard! Holy shit, that sounds so… hot. But why are we looking at a playroom? I am mystified. “You want to play on your Xbox?” I ask. He laughs, loudly. “No, Anastasia, no Xbox, no Playstation. Come."

And:

“Christian, you had me at the meadow.”

Celebrity Net Worth (via EW) says that thanks to those exquisite words and millions of horny housewives not knowing about something called free online porn have helped E.L. sell over 20 million copies worldwide. E.L. takes 7% of every $14 paperback sold and another 25% of every $10 ebook downloaded. So they crunched those numbers together and figured out that this September she'll get a $20 million check from her publisher.

As I said before, I tried reading that mess and quickly realized that a better use for my fingers is to press play on hardcore online porn instead of turning the pages of that wreck. That shit is about as erotic as a dominatrix Rosie O'Donnell. But you know, E.L. got my money (because I'm a dumb sheeeeeeple) and so I guess she wins. Seriously, I should get beat for spending my money on that shit. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to open up my dusty Microsoft Word and write a trilogy about a society of spark vamps who have to beat the safe word out of each other in their capitol's annual Bondage Games.

While most of the Internet focused all their attention on Katie Holmes' real-life remake of Prison Break yesterday, NBC quietly released a statement confirming the DUH of all DUHs. No, they didn't confirm that when you squeeze Matt Lauer too hard, a fountain of Summer's Eve will shoot out of his mouth. They confirmed that Savannah Guthrie's got Ann Curry's old job now, so get used to it. They made it clear on yesterday's show that Savannah is the new co-host, but they didn't officially announce it on air. It's kind of like when my mom and dad split, and my dad made me hang out with him and his new girlfriend without telling me exactly who she was. It was obvious, though. So yesterday, I looked at Savannah through the screen the same way I looked at my dad's new piece. With eyes that said, "I know why you're here and I don't like it, bitch."

Here's the BLAH BLAH BLAHs the president of NBC News released to The Washington Post and everybody else yesterday:

“As soon as Savannah joined NBC News she was a standout, reporting for every franchise in the news division and rising through the ranks. She has a one-of-a-kind combination of sharp wit and approachability, and our viewers value her journalistic skills and legal background just as much as her humor and charm. She can effortlessly go from interviewing the Secretary of State to jumping Olympic-sized hurdles on the Plaza. I’m thrilled to welcome Savannah as our newest co-anchor, and along with Matt, Al and Natalie, we’ve got the best morning team in the business.”

They probably went with Savannah over Natalie Morales, Hoda Kotb and Tamron Hall, because she's almost like a Katie Couric Lite. Savannah seems nice, is smart, is pretty harmless and non-conterverisal. In other words:

No, that is not me 20 years ago. I'm too basic to pull off lime green tights.

(the basic bitch siren call via Slog) 

What former A list female movie star best known for one very famous role who has crashed down to a C as she has got older sent back three bodyguards on her recent trip because they did not measure up to her attractiveness standards. She won't be seen with any men she is paying for unless they are going to look good next to her. If they are willing to spend the night and have some fun off the clock, then so much the better. The fact that she has a boyfriend is irrelevant. She might be paying him too. (CDAN)

Who other than Sharon Stone? When Sharon Stone's not hunting for furry animals to scare out of their coats with her ice cold cunt glare, she's hunting for her next orgasm. Sharon is the only A-lister (she is forever A-list)I know who can confidently ask a prospective bodyguard during an interview if he's opposed to frisking her body with his dick. And she'll ask it while uncrossing her legs.

Single Guy and Married Couple have been friends for a long time. You will often catch pretty photos of them hanging out together every couple of months. No, this isn’t going where you think it’s going. They are not a threesome. Nor is Single Guy romantically involved with Married Girl. However, they do have a very interesting arrangement.

Single Guy is quite the package, so it’s not exactly hard for him to land an attractive woman. In fact, he always seems to have a new Single Girl on his arm. However, he is not the only one doing the selecting. Married Girl has a big say in Single Buy’s choice of mates. That’s because the bottom line is that the Single Girl is really for her. That’s right. The real couples here are: Single Guy + Married Guy and Single Girl + Married Girl.

So, now you know that whenever Single Guy breaks up with his Single-Girl-of-the-Month, it’s really because Married Girl has decided that it’s time. Married Girl is the selector of Single Girl, ergo the decision maker in Single Girl’s termination.

It doesn’t always go smoothly, though. Once the Single Girl is part of this lifestyle, the fame-by-association and the lifestyle can make it very difficult to leave. However, they always do go, thanks to a binding contract and a nice payoff. (Blind Gossip)

George Clooney, Stacy Keibler, Rande Gerber and Cindy Crawford? Okay, I can sort of picture Cindy and Stacy in a lesbian pretzel, but I think I strained my one brain cell from trying to imagine George and Rande licking on each other's butts. I just can't. 

The exquisitely hideous yellow leather couch that started it all! Going back and watching Tommy Girl's hilariously priceless, cushion-smashing, choreographed declaration of beard love on Oprah reminded me just what a magnificent showgirl of insanity that bitch can be. I've seen mentally sick bitches on meth act more sane than this. There are three sides to Tommy: crazy, crazier and craziest and during that show he took his third side to whole new levels. I wish we saw that side of Tommy more, because bitch put on a show. Tommy almost broke Oprah's wrists in a game of mercy and he actually dropped to his knees without someone waving an RTPP (ready-to-party peen) at him. I mean, who does the touchdown knee drop besides Tim Tebow or hos who have just made an actual touchdown? It's like Tommy just won the Beard Super Bowl. I wouldn't go that far. Katie Holmes was/is a good beard, but I wouldn't call her a High Priestess of Bearding like Kelly Preston or Deborra Lee-Furness.

If you haven't already, it's worth a re-watch (this is the best cut I could find). It's like Tommy suddenly becomes his Magnolia character, but instead of freaking out over conquering pussy, he's freaking out over getting the prime seat in the Scientology's men's spa, because he signed on a prime beard. Jump for your beard, bitch!

Now, about that yellow leather couch....

I don't blame Tommy for jumping on that thing. I would too, but not because I wanted to convince the world that I'm in love with my soon-to-be prisoner. But because that yellow couch is ugly and must be destroyed with my feet. Seriously, that yellow couch is so ugly it's beautiful. It's like sitting on a giant piss bag ("Hello, Levitz, I'd like to buy your entire stock of yellow leather sofas, please." - Kim Kardashian) I really hope that Oprah got the yellow couch in her divorce from ABC and that she gave it to Tommy, because it really belongs to him and the Museum of Scientology Artifacts. I also hope that yesterday Tommy had that yellow sofa shipped to Iceland, so that he can jump on it while cursing Katie's name for trying to fuck him over and not in a jizz-inducing way either. That yellow couch needs to come full circle.

Michael Phelps (27)
Allegra Versace (26)
Fantasia (28)
Cheryl Cole (29)
Patrick Wolf (29)
Lizzy Caplan (30)
Monica Potter (41)
Mike Tyson (47)
Vincent D'Onofrio (53)
David Alan Grier (57)
David Garrison (60)
Nancy Dussault (76)

MSNBC and a bunch of people on Twitter noticed that the members and future member of The Tommy Girl Ex-Wives Club all have something in common and it might give you nightmares of the number threeeeee. This is some creepy numerology shit.

Mimi Rogers, who started all the Sea Org fuckery by introducing Tommy to Scientology, was 31 when she became the first Mrs. Tom Cooze in 1987 and 33 when their marriage choked on a gay bullet and died in 1990. Mimi was 34 when their divorce was finalized.

Nicole Kidman was 23 when she married Tommy in 1990 and 33 when their 10-year contract ended in 2001. Nicole was 34 when her shackles officially came off after their divorce finalized.

Katie Holmes was 28 when she became the third bride of Scientology in 2006 and she's 33 now. If their divorce goes through after December, she'll be 34 when she's officially free.

So every one of Tommy's wives was 33 when they split and 34 when that shit finalized. THE FUCK? Is 33 the age when God finally feels sorry for Tommy's wife and wins her soul back in a rock, paper, scissor match with L. Ron Hubbard on a neutral planet (Neptune, obviously)? Does the mind control spell wear off when she's 33? And each Tommy wife is almost 11 years younger than the last one. If Tommy is shopping for a fourth beard wife already, then that means he's trolling the IMDB pages of all actresses born in 1989 or 1990. Hide yo 22-year-old actresses!

Sharon Stone's nipples want to have a staring contest with you - ICYDK

Every now and again Sharon Stone reminds us all that she has kids - Lainey Gossip

Andrew Garfield is a serious actor and only watched Spider-Man porn to research the real meaning behind "my spidey senses are tingling" - The Superficial

Gay Paree is about to get gayer - Towleroad

Lacey Chabert looking like a shrunken Jennifer Love Hewitt - Hollywood Tuna

This is one of the first times where I'll say that a phallic ice cream cone actually does sort of look like a misshapen pink peen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Yallaw-haired vs. brown-haired - The Berry

Ann Curry should've pulled a Pumkin and blew a goodbye loogie at Matt Lauer on her way out - Celebitchy

No Doubt's single cover looks like neon diarrhea - Just Jared

Minka Kelly's sort of looks like she's got a really boring STD rash all over her legs (is that a secret wink to Derek Jeter?) - Popoholic

Emma Stone's dress looks like a cake - Popsugar

What is the meaning of Jennifer Hudson's bangs? - I'm Not Obsessed

Charlize Theron's dog gives good side-eye - Cityrag

....And so the cone bra-wearing begins - OMG Blog

Prepare your eyes for non-stop rolls, Beyonce and Jay-Z will hold court at the BET Awards - Crunk + Disorderly

The only time Snoop Dogg should be arrested on marijuana-related charges is when he DOESN'T have weed on him - Hollywood Rag

Tommy Girl is a scat queen - Videogum

While dressed like Susan from Sesame Street, Lauryn Hill walked into a court room in Newark, NJ this morning and pleaded guilty to three counts of tax evasion and admitted to a judge that she purposefully didn't pay any taxes in 2005, 2006 or 2007. Bitch is that bold.

The company that Lauryn owns made $818,000 in 2005. Did Lauryn go down to H&R Block to pay taxes on that shit like the rest of us do? Nope. Lauryn made $222,000 in 2006. Did she log onto Turbo Tax to pay that taxes on that shit? Nope. Lauryn also didn't pay taxes on the $761,000 she made in 2007. Lauryn didn't pay any taxes, because she says it was her way of protesting against the man. Three weeks ago, Lauryn took a break from not making a follow-up to The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill and wrote a rambling explanation on Tumblr for why she told the IRS to eat a fuck for three years in a row. Lauryn's thesis was just a pile of crazy and I swear she co-wrote it with Randy Quaid. Here's a piece of it:

I did not deliberately abandon my fans, nor did I deliberately abandon any responsibilities, but I did however put my safety, health and freedom and the freedom, safety and health of my family first over all other material concerns! I also embraced my right to resist a system intentionally opposing my right to whole and integral survival.
I conveyed all of this when questioned as to why I did not file taxes during this time period. Obviously, the danger I faced was not accepted as reasonable grounds for deferring my tax payments, as authorities, who despite being told all of this, still chose to pursue action against me, as opposed to finding an alternative solution.
My intention has always been to get this situation rectified. When I was working consistently without being affected by the interferences mentioned above, I filed and paid my taxes. This only stopped when it was necessary to withdraw from society, in order to guarantee the safety and well-being of myself and my family.

The Associated Press says that Lauryn will be sentenced in November and she could get up to 3 years in the clink and have to pay up to $75,000 in fines.

Lauryn wasn't hiding underground for those three years. Lauryn is acting like she lived in a tent on Native American land and only ate food shipped in from Mexico, because she didn't want to give the US any of her money. Lauryn was out there performing, making more cash. Isn't there somebody in Lauryn's life who could've reeled in her crazy and told her just to blame the tax issue on her accounting department. That's what I always do. When bill collectors call, I just say, "Oh, those dumb shits in accounting screwed up again. Let me transfer you," and then I hang up. Lauryn should've done that and paid a few fines.

Oh well, I guess if Lauryn goes to the chokey, she can finally write a full album while in there. Yeah, right.

You know, I've been wondering why Suri Cruise hasn't been stomping the streets in her Louboutin Jr. heels. Now we know it's because she needed some sensible flats on her feet for when she needed to ruuuuuuuuuuuuuun.

Shit is getting real, because TMZ says that when Katie Holmes filed papers yesterday in NYC to legally cancel her bearding contract with Tommy Girl, she did it behind his back and he never saw it coming. So I'm guessing Suri created a diversion by having a tantrum on the floor in front of the guard guarding the locked door to Katie's windowless cell. As Suri kept the guard busy, Katie pulled away the "I Love L. Ro" poster on her wall and crawled through the hole that she's been digging for the past 5 years with a metal spoon. Then she ran to a getaway car driven by Dawson. That's exactly how it happened.

And now that Katie has de-programmed herself. She's really going hard. Katie wants sole custody of Scientology's golden child. A source tells Radar that Katie wants sole custody of Suri, because she is sick of raising her the Xenu-way and is even more sick of Suri's barley breath:

"Katie and Tom also have very different parenting views. Katie wants Suri to go to school with other children and have a grounded routine whereas Tom doesn't, he wants her schooled in the same manner as Connor and Isabella were. Tom is nowhere near as strict as Katie is and doesn't believe in disciplining Suri, whereas Katie believes that is important. Tom basically treats Suri as a little adult, however Katie treats her like a six-year-old child, and that causes some major clashes over parenting style."

Woe is Tommy. Who's he going to dress up in pink frilly dresses and parade in front of the paparazzi so he looks like a perfectly family man? I guess John Travolta is always available.