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The OctoMom fap porn trailer is best viewed while listening to the Jaws theme - OMG Blog

Anne Hathaway went on the GOOP diet to look like a sickly urchin. Makes sense. - Lainey Gossip

What are the gayest neighborhoods in America? And if you were about to say "Whichever one your gay ass lives in, Michael" your ass is wrong! - Towleroad

Rosie Huntington-Whateverly has nipples and here they are - (NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Brit Brit is serving up Buffalo Bill realness - The Superficial

And in today's "bitches bitching about Kate Winslet being a bitch" news - Celebitchy

If Sofia Vergara bought those cherries from a fruit vendor on the street and didn't wash that shit, then I'm guessing I'll see the headline "Sofia Vergara Contracts Fruit Salmonella!" any day now - Hollywood Tuna

I see you getting a peek at Emma Stone's ass, Spider-Man - Popoholic

Who gave a double Angie Leg at the MuchMusic Awards? - Cityrag

Somebody married Booooobaaaaay B - ICYDK

Some Suri side-eye. That is all. - Popsugar

Did you know? - The Berry

And I hope there's a pigeon kick line during the finale - Hollywood Rag

The only way we'll know for sure is if we find out that Judy Zipper only fucked blonde swimsuit models during her senior year - Videogum

What in the name of Morticia Addams nightgown is Christina Hendricks wearing? - Just Jared

Lisa Loeb is a mom again - I'm Not Obsessed

Tacky bitch keeps it tacky by wearing a girdle under a see-through dress - Crunk + Disorderly

If you're a pair of butt lips and every day the blood in your veins boils until the follicles you were trying to grow burn off, then there's a good chance you belong to Alec Baldwin. Because not a day goes by when Alec Baldwin doesn't RAAAAAGE the dye off his hair strands. Case in point: This morning in Manhattan, Alec Baldwin HULKED out at two photographers from the NYDN for taking pictures of him and his 28-year-old yoga instructor fiancee Hilaria Thomas coming out the Marriage License Bureau after getting their marriage license. Getting a marriage license with your piece is supposed to cover both of you with a swan fart of love, but Alec popped that bubble when he went after one of the paps.

One of the photographers, Marcus Santos, said Alec kept screaming at them to get back. Marcos claims they stepped back, but Alec kept coming at them. Alec grabbed the other photographer and when Marcos tried to defend his paparazzi partner, the rage came at him. Marcos says that Alec punched him in the chin and pushed him. Marcos filed a police report and the NYPD has opened up an investigation. Meanwhile, Alec jumped on Twitter and claims that the pap is lying. Alec denies throwing punches and says he was the one who got hit with a camera. Oh, and Alec also went there by bringing Trayvon Martin into it.

A "photographer" almost hit me in the face with his camera this morning. #allpaparazzishouldbewaterboarded

I suppose if the offending paparazzi was wearing a hoodie and I shot him, it would all blow over...

The photographer who assaulted me has (belatedly) gone to a hospital claiming injuries. Colin Myler and his NOTW scams come to NY...

Ppl who work in the entertainment industry keep appts w the press on a regular basis. Paparazzi assaulting you on the street duznt count.

There has to be more to this. Just look at the rage in Alec's face in that picture. It's like Marcus just beat him at a game of Words with Friends with the word "ventriloquizing." Shit, I bet that's what really happened.

Today's "no puedo" moment is brought to you by a cholofied Wilmer Valderrama.

We're living in a bizarre world, because somebody fronted the money for a movie called "School Dance" directed by Mimi's husband Nick Cannon and starring Wilmer Valderrama as a vato, Efren Ramirez and Amber Rose as some kind of bald-headed rockabilly skank. The hell is that movie? I don't even know.... This is either a comedy or an insurance scam. Fez as a cholo is almost as ridiculous as Kelso as a skinhead. Sure, Wilmer sort of looks the part, but if he pointed a gun at you, you'd probably swat it away and say, "Bitch, quit playing. You're Fez! Now roll your socks down. You look like Little Lord Fauntleroy." I mean, just imagine hearing Fez say, "Orale vato." My ears are already laughing.

And I'm trying to come up with Fez's cholo name. But I'm having a really hard time translating "Disney cooch hunter" into a cholo name.

After months of denying the rumors that he's drunkenly whoring it up while she's at home taking care of the chirrun, Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have stopped denying and have publicly announced that they are going their separate ways like Vanessa's front teeth. Johnny Depp's spokeswhore gave a short and simple statement of words to Entertainment Tonight and confirmed that after 14 years together, he's no longer sticking his tongue between Vanessa's gap and they both wish everyone will not sniff up their asses for more information. Johnny doesn't have to worry about me sticking my nose in his ass, because I'm not about to get butt scabies up in my nostrils. (I'm lying, I still would.) Here's VaJohnny's break-up statement:

"Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis have amicably separated. Please respect their privacy and, more importantly, the privacy of their children."

This is the opposite of shocking, I know. VaJohnny hasn't been photographed together in what seems like centuries and all of their denials just seemed like publicist talk for "mind your own fucking ugly business." AND Johnny Depp allegedly has the mark of an Olsen on his peen. When your piece has the mark of an Olsen on his peen, you kick him out of the house, torch all his clothes and get the trailer witch to blow sage smoke at your chocha to rid yourself of the troll curse! So yeah, this isn't surprising.

Every waif-ish, 20-something who always looks hungry should brace herself, because Johnny is ready to whore it up and he's coming for you! Vanessa should also brace herself, because John Mayer is going to try to complete his transformation into Johnny Depp by coming after her. Get yourself some douche repellent, Vanessa!

Early last month, Nick Stahl's estranged wife and the mother of his daughter, Rose Murphy Stahl, told the police and the media that she hadn't heard from him in a couple of weeks and she was worried he took his ass to L.A.'s Skid Row to score a fix. Shit was looking bleak, but then Nick showed up a few days later and checked into rehab. Nick signed up for one of those 30-day programs, but he didn't last that long and checked out 3 weeks later even though his doctors told him that was not a good move. Right after Nick quit rehab, he went to stay with a friend and was seen trolling around downtown L.A. Nick never went back to his friend's house and Rose Murphy tells E! that she hasn't heard from him for four days. One of Nick's friends also tells E! that they're looking for his ass everywhere:

"Now he's disappeared. We can't find him anywhere. He has not made contact with anyone. We are all just desperately looking for him. Everyone just wants him to come home. It's a terrible situation. We are searching, but we've had no solid leads."

We all know what Nick's doing and maybe Rose keeps going to the media every time he goes missing, because she thinks that if he turns on a TV wherever he's at and sees her message, he'll call home. Or maybe I'm making something out of nothing and Nick is just EXHAUSTED from being in rehab for 3 weeks and is taking a nap in Lindsay Lohan's Marina Del Rey hotel room.

Hopefully, Nick will turn up safe and when he does, Rose should really look into putting a GPS microchip on his ass.

Radar said last week that the Willis Daughters were sprouting eyes of worry over their mom Demi Moore possibly falling off the wagon and spending her nights huffing spray paint fumes out of a paper bag in front of a 7-Eleven with a bunch of skater boys (or whatever kind of suburban teen bad shit Demi gets into nowadays). But even if Demi stumbles while climbing the steps to sobriety, at least she'll fall cougar pussy-first onto Joe ManJello's wolf dick. That's if you believe Heat Magazine (via The Daily Mail).

Some source type says that at the after-party for That's My Boy (or as everyone who sees that shit calls it, "Why didn't I just let a 45-year-old frat boy fart up my nostrils. It would've been a more pleasant experience.") earlier this month, 35-year-old Joe and 49-year-old Demi hung out together and had amazing chemistry, whatever the hell that means:

"They looked amazing together. Demi was getting a lot more attention than a lot of the younger girls in the room, and Joe was seen waiting for her before they went off and hung out together at the party. They had amazing chemistry.

Demi has finally got her groove back - and it's all thanks to meeting Joe. She's feeling confident again and, more importantly, sexy."

I'm guessing by "had amazing chemistry," the source means that Joe ManJello sat there feeling scared and uncomfortable while Demi Moore tried to seduce his peen with her piping hot "funky chicken having a seizure while butt birthing an egg" moves.

I know, that story sounds like a non-story and for my no-no's sake I hope it is. How can I fap to Joe ManJello knowing that he's licking the douche dust left by Ashton Kutcher off of Demi's cougar cooch? Okay, I still can, but I don't want to.

Here's ice cold villainess Angie Jolie with swap meet contacts on her eyes and leather dildos on her head (missing: a Kardashian sucking one of those things off) in the first picture of her as ice cold villainess Maleficent. Maleficent doesn't come out for another million years (March 14, 2014 to be exact), but the paparazzi have been stalking the set in England, so I'm guessing Disney pushed this picture out before they get scooped. That's why it looks like it was taken in the dark part of her dungeon by Maddox on an iPhone with a broken flash. It's kind of giving me Paula Abdul in Rush Rush vibes. Disney also queefed out this statement with the picture:

Directed by two-time Oscar®-winning production designer Robert Stromberg (“Avatar,” “Alice in Wonderland”), in his directorial debut, and produced by Joe Roth, “Maleficent” is written by Linda Woolverton (“The Lion King,” “Beauty and the Beast”) and executive produced by Angelina Jolie, Don Hahn, Matt Smith and Palak Patel.

Co-starring in the film are Sharlto Copley (“District 9”), Elle Fanning (“Super 8”), Sam Riley (“On the Road”), Imelda Staunton (“Vera Drake”), Miranda Richardson (“The Hours”), Juno Temple (“Atonement”) and Lesley Manville (“Secrets & Lies”).

This is the untold story of Disney’s most beloved villain, Maleficent, from the 1959 classic “Sleeping Beauty.” The film reveals the events that hardened her heart and drove her to curse the baby, Aurora.

I really hope the costume designers don't cover up the most terrifying thing on Angie Jolie (no, not her hypnotic vagina): her loch ness forehead vein! They should use her forehead vein to their advantage, because it has a life of its own and really makes scared hos reach for the holy water.

And I do love the "Are you there God? It's me, your DIRECT supervisor" pose. Click here to see a bigger version of this shit.

via Coming Soon 

A few years ago, this celebrity swore she would have nothing to do with all those “sleazy reality stars.” She told friends that reality stars had no talent, made no contribution to making the world a better place, that their antics were “disgusting”, and that she didn’t want to spend one minute of her life thinking about them or being involved with them.

Fast forward a few years and a few failures later, and she now has a whole new attitude. She is currently in deep discussions with the three reigning kings of reality television. What is she doing? Trying to become the Reality Queen! In addition to her recent reality dabbling, she is trying to bring aboard some star friends to do a reality show to mend their reputation. She is also considering staging the ultimate reality stunt herself: Her own wedding.

Oh, how the mighty have fallen! She doesn’t have a perfume, but, if she did, it would be called… Desperation. (Blind Gossip)

Wannabe reality queen: Ooooooooooprah?
Three reigning kings of reality: Ryan Gaycrest, Simon Cowell and Mark Burnett?

As much as I'd love to see Oprah's homegirls, John Travolta and Tommy Girl, star in a reality show called Beard Swap on OWN, she just needs to stop and enjoy all the zillions of dollars that fall out of her ass every minute. Bitch can buy a deserted island, replace the sand with key lime cake crumbs and roll around naked in it with Gayle all day long. 

What was a fading teen idol doing in a questionable neighborhood late one night? Catching a bite to eat at a local restaurant, uncomfortably posing with the occasional fan for photos, and… scoring drugs?

That’s right. When he thought no one was looking, he met up with the local party girl, who took him into the alley next to a restaurant. Were they asking for menu recommendations? Not unless they come from some shady character dressed all in black in an alley. The hookup girl did the introductions. The two men nodded at each other, exchanged a couple of words, and then exchanged money for a black plastic baggie. The whole deal took less than a minute, and our boy looked very paranoid, glancing around, and pulling his baseball cap low over his eyes. The man in black took off in one direction, and our boy jumped into a waiting car with the local girl and split.

My, my, my, this young performer is quite the multi-tasker! Television appearances , bad music, fake relationships, and he still manages to find time to score a little sum sum in the back alleys. Time to go to rehab, brah! (Blind Gossip)

Joe Jonas? The most dreadful part of this is that Joe Jonas has to buy his bad shit in a dark alley like some common crack whore. Can't Mickey Mouse hook one of his former hos up? Even some seriously trashy coke sluts I've known get their shit delivered. Disney prostitots! They're not like us!

There’s been plenty of speculation about this hot young r&b star’s sexuality, but most of it has been drowned out by the adoration by fans and famous alike. After keeping folks guessing in 2011, this soul singer will answer any questions about which team he’s swinging for with his upcoming musical release.

Sorry, but the only other hint we can give is he had at least one big rap collabo last year. (Bossip)

Ne-Yo?

At the secret SAG headquarters for the Liz and Dick movie... "How many times do I have to tell you? We're not shitfaced, we're 'exhausted'". - Mani6

Runners-up:

You say incontinent, I say incompetent. Let's call the whole thing off. - maejones

Such a shame... flushin away a perfectly good white woman. - jack-n-the-hat

Even after a careful explanation, Fergie still doesn't get when or where she should piss. - kremland

via Gravy Holocaust

Since this week is turning into Hot Slut Bird Week, here's Tonto the Rockatoo who slays the beat AC/DC is throwing down like no other umbrella cockatoo has before. (Insert obligatory "rock out with your cockatoo out" joke here.) I haven't seen Rock of Ages, because I don't hate myself THAT much (yet), but I'm pretty sure Tonto rocks harder than all of those weak pansy ass fake bitches put together. Fuck Rock of Ages, Warner Bros. should give us Cockatoo of Ages instead.

And the titties in the background was the perfect touch.

via Tastefully Offensive