All hail our new ugly bitch king Mugly!
The title of World's Ugliest Dog went to another Chinese Crested this year after 8-year-old Mugly won the top prize at the annual pageant in Petaluma, CA yesterday. Mugly and his owner Bev Nicholson came all the way from Britain to see if he could kill the competition with his bloated Snooki body, his Snoop Dogg after 10 blunts eyes, his grandpa seal whiskers and his Ivy Queen nails. Mugly did it and he won a $1,000 cash prize, a VIP stay at Sheraton Petaluma, a bunch of dog treats and the honor of being the ugliest bitch in all the land.
My heart will forever belong to last year's winner Yoda (RIP), but I like Mugly. Just look at him. Dude's got his legs spread open, is stoned into another world, is wearing the shit out of that tiny hat and looks like he's in the middle of letting out a slow fart. Basically, that's me on my sofa every Saturday night.
There was a rumor that Beyonce would rather play moth ball checkers with Basement Baby next to the water heater in the darkest part of the basement than even say Kim Kuntrashian's full name out loud. But if Beyonce really does hate Kim, then she swept her true feelings under her lacefront to dance with that piece of trash at Jay-Z and Kanye's show in Birmingham, England last night. Somebody took a few pictures of Kim and Beyonce together and yeah, I think this is the first time in whore history that Kim actually covered her face (covering it with cum doesn't count) in front of a camera. Either the heat in the stadium caused her plastic face to melt and she was keeping it from slipping off of her head, or that sneaky bitch was trying to see if Beyonce had any velcro burns on her stomach from wearing a pillow baby. Anyway, a source tells UsWeekly that Bey and Kim danced all night and they're actually friends blah blah blah blah blaaaaaaaah:
"Kim and Beyonce were dancing all night! They even went into the mosh pit! It was the most hectic thing ever! Kim and Beyonce have always been cool. Beyonce and Jay love Kim and think she's a good match for Kanye."
This is the way my ass sees it: Beyonce loves a photo-op, Kim loves a photo-op and so they're bonding through their mutual love of a good photo-op. That's what most relationships on the ho-stroll are based on! And if you're in the Calabasas, CA area today, you might want to stay away from the gutter. Because once Pimp Mama Kris sees these pictures, she's going to cream so much that it's going to run down her driveway, past the sidewalk and flow down the street gutters. You've been warned.
Jessica Simpson took a break from trying to make that Weight Watchers money by dropping 50 pounds of post-baby chunk in 5 months and posed for this Twitter portrait while taking Baby Maxi Pad for a stroll around the block. I know, just pounds of veiny titty balls hitting your monitor. Jessica has the entire Wisconsin milk industry up in there. You know how Salma Hayek single-tittedly SAVED humanity by breastfeeding starving orphans in third world countries? Jessica doesn't even have to travel to do that. Homegirl just has to point her titty to the air, direct her leche knob to the nearest third world country and squirt. It'd rain Jessica leche all over that country. Seriously, Baby Maxi probably has to put on snorkel gear before she eats.
I'm all for Jessica trying to get attention with help from her magnificent chichis, but this picture is not the look. With her mouth wide open and those deranged bee sunglasses on, she looks like a Bumble Bee Tuna Bee Real Doll.
No, this is not another post about Pet Monster.
Snooki still has a pickleling growing in her vodka chamber called a womb and she's still wearing sky high death shoes (okay, I know those platforms are like 4 inches tall, but that's half of Snooki's total heigh, so they're totally sky high to her).
While looking like a mutant pineapple, Snooki strolled through Seaside Heights, NJ the other day and nearly smashed her unborn baby when she tripped on her own stupidity and went down. Dumb bitch. I know Snooki is used to being on her knees with her mouth open in public, but wait until your poor baby is born first, bitch! Damn. That poor child is going to be raised by two Gorilla dingles, will have to wear Affliction onesies, will have to sleep in a tanning bed cradle, will probably be born with cirrhosis of the liver and now he has to worry about getting a concussion?
Snooki ALWAYS needs to have a seat, but this time she really needs to have a seat.
My Pet Monster! Earlier this week, Adidas pulled their Jeremy Scott shackle sneakers, because some people looked at those fugly ass things and screamed "SLAVERY! RACISM! SOME KUNTA KINTE SHIT!" When I first looked at those vomit shoes, the word "slavery" didn't hit my head at first, but I did see several layers of ugly and I prepared myself for the heaves I'd make while seeing stupid shits stroll around with those prisoners of fug sneakers on their feet (I'm talking to you, Justin Bieber). Jeremy Scott said that slavery didn't even cross his mind while designing those sneakers. Jeremy says he was inspired by the Khloe Kardashian of 80s toys: My Pet Monster! To which I say, My Pet Monster deserves better than those ugly ass shoes.
My Pet Monster was a toy from the 80s and everything you see is basically everything you got. I didn't have one, but a couple of my friends did and we used to take turns handcuffing each other with those orange cuffs. Then we'd beat on each other. I was kind of weird in a "50 Shades of Inappropriate" kind of way, but that was the 80s! There was also a direct-to-VHS movie and you don't have to press play on the trailer to know that it was a mess.
Oh, the 80s, when a toy maker's acid trips became reality....and later a direct-to-VHS shit show.
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