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Normally, I'd only bring up the topic "Does God exist?" if we were lying on my living room floor, passing the bong around, but I'm making an exception for Morgan Freeman! The God who succeeded George Burns as our Earth God is the host of The Science Channel's "Through the Wormhole" ("Note to self, find a new title for my memoirs." - John Travolta) and in an upcoming episode they get into the existence of God. While talking to Morgan Freeman about the show, The Wrap asked him if he believes in God. Morgan got deep and said he thinks that God is something we invented so musicians would have someone to thank when they win awards and I'd have a name to take in vain to give my abuelita a reason to slap me in the mouth.

Did we invent God?
Yes.

So there isn't a God up in the sky somewhere. We came up with God ourselves.
Well, here's a scientific question: Has anybody ever seen hard evidence? What we get is theories from our earlier prophets. Now, people who think that God invented us think that the Earth can't be more than 6,000 years old. So I guess it's a question of belief. My belief system doesn't support a creator as such, as we can call God, who created us in His/Her/Its image.

Would you consider yourself an atheist, or agnostic?
It's a hard question because as I said at the start, I think we invented God. So if I believe in God, and I do, it's because I think I'm God.

"Have we ever seen hard evidence?" Stop playing, MorFree! Look in the mirror and there's your proof. Is Morgan Freeman, who is obviously God in human form, trying to throw us off his trail or is he being extra bold? I would pray to God (aka an 8X10 glossy of Morgan Freeman hanging over my dresser) for guidance, but I don't know what to believe anymore! Just pass me the bong...

In case you were wondering if Don Rickles is still that old white coot who sits on a plastic tube lawn chair under his carport and tells racist jokes, he is! 86-year-old Don Rickles has been launching politically incorrect dingles off his tongue for centuries and he did it again at AFI's tribute to Shirley MacLaine last night. The Hollywood Reporter says that some audience members clutched their pearls after Mr. Potato Head (I'm not just saying that, because that's the voice did in that Toy Story shit. He kind of does look like an old potato with extra eyes) said some racist shit about President Obama:

“I shouldn’t make fun of the blacks,” Rickles said, and then proceeded to do just that: “President Obama is a personal friend of mine. He was over to the house yesterday, but the mop broke.”
The black-tie crowd, gathered to celebrate MacLaine, the 40th recipient of the AFI’s Life Achievement Award, alternately gasped at the 86-year-old comic’s put-downs and then found themselves laughing and applauding.

But what I want to know is, what the fuck kind of mop does Don Rickles have? How does a mop break? Bitch needs to get himself a Swiffer WetJet or something. The thing is, Don Rickles is still trapped inside of a bubble where it's always 1950 and most of the world has changed. That's exactly what the kids will be saying about me in 60 years when I'm sitting on a plastic tube lawn chair under my carport and talking about extra chunky dick cheese and the simple elegance of lucite heels.

ASkars is the face of Calvin Klein "Encounter" and please tell me that mess comes in a lube version too - Just Jared

The pictures of Stacy Keibler and George Clooney in the car together are hilarious in a "she's begging to be pet and he's trying to ignore her" kind of way - Lainey Gossip

Unless Miley Cyrus is planning to cut herself with her nipples, I'm pretty sure she's just holding a bracelet - The Superficial

Doogie Howser is un-punk-able - Towleroad

That certified lunatic from The Bachelor takes a page out of Heidi Montag's staged bikini pics playbook - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

About that butterfly mask Michael Jackson made Paris Jackson wear.... - The Berry

Kelly Preston, the Female Empress of Scientology, would never - Celebitchy

Blake Lively's British face twin graces the cover of FHM with her bottom titty elegance - Hollywood Tuna

Some words of wisdom from Olivia Wilde - IDLYITW

"My job is SO exciting" said not one paparazzo while taking pictures of bland ass Minka Kelly - Popoholic

How many Kansas City-style barbecue stains will be on Brit Brit's white dress at the end of the day? - Popsugar

How many faces is Fergie on now? I lost count. - Moe Jackson

When a polar bear is sick of your staring eyes - Videogum

Breaking: Vivica Fox retires her lace front for now - Crunk + Disorderly

Die Antwoord once again transforms your last acid trip into a music video - Cityrag

Pull out the bongos, the Texas T-Rex is getting hitched - I'm Not Obsessed

Zoe Ensalada (that's how I read that headline) is at the park - Hollywood Rag

The overused phrase "Lindsay Lohan can't catch a break" suddenly has a new meaning. LiLo got into a bad car crash on Pacific Coast Highway today after she failed to the hit brake in time and busted into the back of an 18 wheeler. TMZ says that Lindsay's assistant was the passenger in her Porsche and both them ended up with bleeding bruises. LiLo's assistant was taken to the hospital by ambulance and is reportedly conscious and doing fine. LiLo also went to the hospital, but didn't go by ambulance, because it would be extremely awkward if an 8-ball fell out of her pocket in front of the paramedics. There's only so many times you can use the "DEEZE AREN'T MY PANTZ" excuse.

The doctors are still performing tests on LiLo, but apparently her injuries are not serious. Bitch's Porsche however has a busted window and a fucked up bumper. As for who caused the bust up, LiLo is following the Lohan Family's #1: When all else fails, blame the other bitch! LiLo says that the 18 wheeler cut her off and didn't give her enough time to hit the brakes.

And at this very moment, White Oprah is at a medical supply store buying crutches, a wheelchair, a neck brace, arm casts, leg casts, lip casts, nostril casts and any other tools LiLo might need to scam the other driver's insurance company out of millions of dollars. If that 18 wheeler cut LiLo off, then he cut off the wrong bitch. If that 18 wheeler didn't cut LiLo off, then he got rear-ended by the wrong bitch. Whatever the case may be, White Oprah will be texting LiLo the message "#getinsurancemoneybitch" all day long.

UPDATE: Sources at the LAPD tell TMZ that neither LiLo or the driver of the 18 wheeler were high on the bad shit or boozed up on the sweet nectar at the time of the accident. LiLo and her assistant are already out of the hospital and she's already back on the set of that other car crash: Liz & Dick.

Wear your shoulder pads at half mast and dramatically drop your black fishnet veil over your face, because Nolan Miller, the genius responsible for defining 1980's glamour, passed away in his sleep on Wednesday night from cancer at the age of 79. You know how your mother wore a drapey green lamé cocktail dress to her job's Christmas party, because Alexis Carrington wore something similar on Dynasty? Nolan designed that look your mother was trying to achieve. (Oh, and yes, I was talking to myself in those last two sentences.)

Nolan's friend and muse Joan Collins broke the sad news on Twitter about his death on Thursday morning. Joan also said a few touching words about Nolan to The Hollywood Reporter and it's best if you picture her saying this while lying on a mountain of gowns Nolan designed for her and crying into a crystal goblet of champagne and diamonds.

"He was a huge part of my life. He was an innovator and helped define fashion through his lifelong contributions. His legacy is enormous and not only me but every one who knew him will miss the humor warmth and joy he gave generously. He was a rare gem - one of the truly good human beings in this world - and I am simply devastated he is gone."

Nolan received 6 Emmy nominations for the costumes he designed for Dynasty. Nolan also designed costumes for T.J. Hooker, Hotel and The Colbys. Last year, he retired from QVC after designing a jewelry collection and Dynasty-inspired clothing line for them for 20 years.

Nolan Miller is now up in heaven, designing the perfect power suits for the angels to wear while they take  over each other's companies. Rest in place, Nolan Miller.

And click here for the ultimate Alexis Carrington in Nolan Miller tribute.

Jennifer Lovesanymanwithapulsebutthatsnodealbreaker finally freed herself form the confines of a Herve Leger mummy dress to run errands in Studio City, CA yesterday. I'm sure those errands included wearing a disguise to put in her 5,873th application for next season's The Bachelor and tasting wedding cakes with a guy she hired from central casting to play her fiancé. Yes, JLove is wearing the same thing you wear when you're having a bad period day and spend the afternoon watching Hallmark Hall of Fame movies while spooning with your down comforter, but she really glamoured this look up with that Louis Vuitton purse. I always love it when hos pair sweats with a $2,000 purse. Sweats + Louis Vuitton = THE LOOK. JLove might be SANS FARDS, but she's not SANS CLASS.

And if you were among the 2 dumbasses who spent time watching Take Me Out on FOX last night, I'm sure you thought the same thing I thought while putting my eyeballs on that mess. Why wasn't JLove part of that tribe of desperate skanks? Those are her people!

It doesn't scrape the top layers of my soul and melt all the sugar cubes in my cupboard the same way the Juliacacklinglikeamaniacalhorse.gif does, but it still's a work of photographic art. Julia Roberts was also at that AFI Lifetime Achievement Award Honoring Shirley MacLaine thing and she busted out some Snow White's old witch shit by contorting into an evil open-mouthed wink while telling a joke. Why didn't Julia make this "take the poisoned apple face" face during Mirror Mirror? I didn't see Mirror Mirror, but I'm assuming she didn't bring out this face, because if she did she would've won an early Oscar for it.

The only thing really missing in this picture is John Travolta throwing spinach at Julia, because she's giving off some Popeye realness. And because John Travolta's nickname in the Scientology bathhouse is Poopdeck Pappy.

What I mean by that is that somebody should've snatched that carpet sample off of his head, because it is dreadful. Anyway, for the first time since everybody learned about the terrifying adventures of John Travolta's man finger-eating whirlpool anus, he put on a brave wig and came out (not like that) to honor Shirley MacLaine last night. No, John wasn't presenting Shirley with the Sally's Beauty Supply Lifetime Achievement Award in Lace Front-Wearing. Shirley was the recipient of the AFI Life Achievement Award and John was there to honor her. I really don't know who's wig game is worse: Shirley or John's. Shirley's looks like it's slowly shifting off of her head and John's wig is laid like a sod square.

The likes of Meryl Streep, Dakota Fanning, Mena Suvari, Melanie Griffith and Jennifer Aniston thought to themselves, "That is such a realistic wax figure of a Vulcan Dracula" as John Travolta spit out nice words about Shirley. I appreciate that John is showing us what Eddie Munster would look like if he grew into his widow's peak, but damn. Bitch needs to pull out his payroll sheet and erase the name of the ho who keeps buying his wigs at Leonard Nimoy's yard sale.

And if you were about to announce the countdown for the inevitable "Angie's fame whoring leg vs. Aniston's fame whoring leg" battle, save your bref.

Both Deadline and The Hollywood Reporter say that Focus Features has talked to St. Angie Jolie about directing the movie version of the Twatlight fan fiction turned mom cream-churner 50 Shades of Grey. I'm sure Angie Jo will really go from directing a depressing, war drama to directing a Nine 1/2 Weeks for the Twilight set. The chances of that happening are about as slim as KFed and Jessica Simpson starring in a movie for the Food Network called 50 Shades of Gray's Papaya (Side note: Somebody please make that movie happen.)

The rumor sprouted wings of foolery last weekend and quickly made the rounds. THR's sources say that there's a chance Focus had a couple of casual talks with Angie Jolie, but it wasn't that serious. Angie's schedule for the next few months is filled with working a pair of dildo horns as Maleficent and Focus wants to strike while the mom pussy is still hot. Universal and Focus deny that they've talked to Angie. Deadline says that the book's writer will be landing in Hollywood soon to pick out a producer, writer and director.

The Angie Jolie of 10 years ago would've directed this mess, because she was a proud freak and wanted everyone to know she kept a ball gag in her back pocket. The Angie Jolie of today takes herself way too seriously and would only direct this mess if the setting was changed to a war torn country and the main characters were changed to a conflicted soldier and his prisoner. (No, that wasn't me asking for a really wrong mash-up of In the Land of Blood & Honey and 50 Shades. PLEASE NO.) The big-screen version of this wreck shouldn't happen anyway. They're going to scrub out all the sucio parts and fill it with product placement. (SPOILER ALERT, like you care) In the tampon scene, Christian Grey is going to pull out her DivaCup instead of a tampon, because DivaCup outbid Kotex for the honor.

If the writer cared about the integrity (HA!) of her masterpornpiece, she would've sold the rights to Skinemax and asked Shannon Tweed to direct it.

"How the 1% live" Rant #179404: Paris' crotch crab has its own chauffeur. - C6

Runners-up:

They see me rollin'
Crustacean

Patrollin'

They tryin' to catch me ridin' dirty - citizenstrange

Amanda Bynes continues to deny she crashed into a Red Lobster. - Glen

via WOW Report (Thanks, J)