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If you're on a flight from L.A. to NYC and Anderson Cooper is quietly drifting into a silver fox slumber behind you, you have to take a picture of it. It'd be the most IMPORTANT thing in your life. You're taking care of a screaming baby and that baby refuses to shut up? Show that annoying baby a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and that baby's eyes will be too busy getting lost in that picture that it will forget to cry. You're eating delicious pancakes at a Denny's and a fight breaks out (because that's just what happens at Denny's). Show all those fighting whores a picture of Andy Coo sleeping and their raging assholes will instantly cool and you'll be able to enjoy your delicious pancakes in peace. You're on a date with me and trying to get away without being too obvious. Whip out that picture and make your escape as I lick the screen. Yes, you'll lose a phone since I'll eventually shove it down the back of my chonies, but that's a small price to pay. What I'm saying is that a picture of Andy Coo doing mimi times is THAT soothing and THAT hypnotic. But the Silver Fox wants no part of that shit and read a bitch his rights for trying to capture that magical moment on his iPhone.

On Kathy last night, Andy said that on his 6am flight to L.A., he was trying to sleep when a sneaky bitch with an iPhone tried to get a picture of him. Andy wasn't having it, so he grabbed that dude's shoulder and spit out the line is my ringtone for EVERYTHING! Andy asked that ho, "Bitch, what ... are you doing?'"

Oh, and the Crystal Enchantress of the Ice himself, Johnny Weir, was sitting in the next to Andy while all of this went down!!!!

So to recap: Anderson Cooper went on Kathy and told a story about how he called a bitch a "bitch" while sitting next to Johnny Weir. This is the best gay pride gift ever!

via LA Times 

Go ahead and throw this one in the file marked: The most WTF couple news since we learned that wolf sperm can fertilize pony eggs.

Frank Buffay, Jr. and Scientologist, Giovanni Ribisi, married British model type Agyness Deyn in Los Angeles over the weekend. Since I'm not really up-to-date on all Giovanni Ribisi (Side note: That name is really hard to type. That is a copy + paste name. That bitch's parents are really selfish for giving him a name that puts strain on a dumb ass gossip blogger's fingers!) gossip, I had no idea that he and Agyness were licking on each other's wet parts. But apparently, GR broke up with Cat Power not too long ago and started getting on Agyness. And now he's married. GR's publicist confirmed the random as all hell news with HuffPo.

These two just don't make sense to me. GR looks like a middle-aged alcoholic insurance salesman who spends his lunch break drinking bottom shelf whiskey out of a paper bag across the street from an elementary school playground (aka a pedo hipster). And she looks like the love child of Tea Leoni and a turnip to me. I don't know how this happened, but whatever. I'm all for bizarre couples, which is why I hope La Pequena and Quween on the Scene elope next.

Here's GR wearing a wedding ring at the TED premiere in L.A. last night.

Rick Santorum warned us this would happen if we let gays tie the knot. - Tyroan

Runners-up:

THE BREAK-A-LEG FAST CLUB. - Chris Knight

This is what happens when Rojo Caliente teaches Sex Ed.- Glen

"Riverdance" never recovered after Michael Flatley left the production. - BaconSlut

(Thanks, Ty)

Millie, the security guard pussy who's been hired by the UK toy company, Bandai, to troll their warehouse at night and keep thieving hos from stealing the toys. Millie will shoot those thieves with AWWWs and stun them with her cuteness, obviously.

A spokeswhore for Bandai (who will forever consider commenting on a security guard pussy as the HIGHLIGHT of his spokeswhore career) told Metro UK that they were looking for a night-time security guard when they caught Millie the Bengal cat trolling around the factory floor. Since bitch works cheap (cat food and fish) and stays up all night, it was a perfect fit:

"We are expecting a bumper year this Christmas with orders starting to fly in from retailers putting in their requests, including new boys action toy releases for Ben 10 and Power Rangers. With the appointment of Millie the security cat, our toys are now very well protected."

So if you're a toy thief (I'm talking to your ass, Grinch) and know how to subdue a pussy with a tube sock, you know what to do. But really, couldn't they have given Millie a better uniform? They should've given her a hat with a feather in it, so she really looks official. Tama knows what I'm talking about.

Meryl Streep (63)
Jai Rodriguez (33)
Donald Faison (38)
Lecy Goronsan (38)
Carson Daly (39)
Mary Lynn Rajskub (41)
Laila Rouass (41)
Emmanuelle Seigner (46)
Amy Brenneman (48)
Dan Brown (48)
Erin Brockovich (52)
Tracy Pollan (52)
Bruce Campbell (54)
Cyndi Lauper (59)
Lindsay Wagner (63)
Klaus Maria Brandauer (68)
Michael Lerner (71)
Kris Kristofferson (76)

You know you've guzzled down too much DayQuil when you mistake Aaron Sorkin for Robert Redford. Oh, and he's obviously just dating Kristin Davis to get closer to Cynthia Nixon so he can get closer to Rojo Caliente. I see you, Sorkin! - Lainey Gossip

Shouldn't Kylie Minogue have eaten Jell-O off of Joe Manjello's prosthetic beer gut? - Towleroad

Excuse me while I slap myself right in the face with a chicken cutlet for mistaking Blahna Del Taco for Phoebe Price. It's the DayQuil's fault again. - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

This picture of Blohan tripping perfectly sums up everything about Liz & Dick - The Superficial

In other words, Johnny Depp wants to man slut it up - Celebitchy

The Montauk Monster lives in New Jersey! - Hollywood Tuna

Please tell me Color Me Badd is opening for them - OMG Blog

If it wasn't for the sun not eating at her skin, I'd think Dakota Fanning was a vampire - Popoholic

Unless Johnny Depp used pirate magic to turn his peen into a poon, this is almost impossible - I'm Not Obsessed

Barfing rainbows - Cityrag

Emma Stone on Vogue - IDLYITW

How egotistical of Taylor Armstrong to wear a shirt with her own face on it! - ICYDK

Penny Cruz looks hot even while wearing a First Lady dress - Popsugar

So basically, Kanye and Kim's first sex tape is going to be audio only - Hollywood Rag

The Hollywood Reporter's TV's funny ladies spread is nothing without Ma from Ma's Roadhouse and Frankie Lons - The Berry

I can't wait to see Duchess Kate wear this same t-shirt to tea with The Queen - Celebslam

I can see the MTV reality show from 2032 now: NEWLYWEDS - THE NEXT GENERATION starring Maxwell and Nick Jr. - Just Jared

Ann Curry will soon let out her last "good morning, good morning, good morning, everybody, morning" as co-host of Today, because Matt Lauer hates her and he's hoping that for his next edition of "Where in the World Is Matt?" he'll report from her vacant office. For months now, there's been rumors that the producers of Today can't wait to pink slip Ann, and when Matt resigned, he let them know that he really wants a new co-host. Cut to last night when The New York Times reported that the producers will push Ann out of the anchor chair any day now. They're hoping to get Ann out before the Olympics start. So your dream of seeing Ann awkwardly say "mmmm hmmmm" next to a topless Michael Phelps has been crushed!

TMZ says that the NBC peacock put on its trench coat, covered its face with a fedora and met Meredith Vieira in a dark alley to offer her the co-anchor job back. Ann got the job a year ago after Meredith quit, because she was sick of waking up at the hour of the ungods and wanted to spend more time with her family. Meredith turned their asses down, but will stay on as a special correspondent.

Since Meredith is over that shit, NBC has put third hour co-host Savannah Guthrie at the top of their list. Some sources say that NBC will make Ann a foreign correspondent since she's better at reporting from Darfur than asking Kim Kardashian how often she bleaches her asshole hair.

Yeah, Savannah Gurthie is their top choice. They can choose between Savannah, Natalie Mortales and Tamron Hall, and they go with Savannah's unflavored oatmeal ass? That's like saying Shelley Hack is your favorite Charlie's Angel.

Watching Ann interview guests during a fluff piece is about as pleasant as having butt sex with a cactus, but she's not the main problem. I watch that mess every day and every day they show me a viral video I watched three weeks ago, show me how to make a salad, show me the latest summer trends in white capris and force feed me Star Jones' opinion on stupid shit. So yeah, what I'm saying is that it's Star Jones' fault. BLAME STAR JONES.

Alternate title: Whore on a Horse!

In London today, this generation's Jane Austen pushed out the 8th novel she totally wrote herself with a French quill feather on hemp paper while sitting under a willow tree in her garden. Katie Price launched the book she didn't write the same way she launches everything: with a shameless stunt.

While looking like an insane Flamenco dancer from Mars, Katie rode a beautiful beast who can probably write a book by itself before she can. Katie totally thinks she's a true and professional equestrian, because she can get a horse to rise on its hind legs. No, bitch, that horse was trying to buck you off. Never mind that the pile of caca the horse made backstage is way more interesting than anything in Katie's novels (I've read most of them, I know), bitch is selling this book the wrong way.

Katie doesn't need to shame a horse or pull out stunts to make her book the #1 best seller in the wooooooorld. Katie just needs to bring out earth angel Harvey Price and tell him to say, "Buy this book." Amazon would crash from the sales! Every Barnes & Nobels would be looted! Whores would be stabbed for a copy! It would be some 50 Shades of Who? shit.

For the one of you who didn't immediately hit the I QUIT THIS BITCH button after reading that headline, you're as sucio as me and we'll be disgusting together. I seriously can't avert my eyes from the dead-eyed, slow-moving train of crazy as it crashes into a pile of dirty diapers and sadness. I even watched a few uncensored clips from OctoMom's self-love porn and the most offensive thing is that one of the sets looks like a P.F. Chang's. How will I ever enjoy a serving of Mongolian beef the same way ever again?

To promote her debut fap porn, Octo and her jack-off guide Jessica Drake went on Howard Stern yesterday. Octo pulled Howard's dick when she said that achieving her first chocha seizure on camera opened her up to a whole new world and she can't wait to explore more of her sexuality. Basically, Octo used a lot of words to say, "A CHECK IS A CHECK!" So because Octo can't get enough of rubbing love into herself, Howard brought out the Sybian and she jumped on. This clip is totally NSFW unless your boss is okay with you screaming for mercy.

And I don't know what terrorized my ears more today: Octo's fake orgasm yodels or the new Carly Rae Jepsen song. Definitely, the latter.

Don't you hate it when you go to bed healthy and you wake up in the middle of the night with the full-on sicks. The inside of your head is pounding on the walls of your skull, your limbs fall into a temporary sloth coma, the shivers cover your body, you hack up Slimer jizz and you now know what Hugh Hefner's hos feel like when they look at themselves in the mirror after riding his dehydrated earth worm dick. That's how I feel and it's not right. Usually, those bitch ass viral germs give me a few warnings before completely attacking me, so I can put up a good fight by overdosing on Airborne and that ginger, honey, lemon crap my mom makes me drink. But those shifty germs played dirty and jumped my ass in my sleep. Rude whores.

So because of this, I'm thankful that these pictures of Hugh Jackman sunning his fur nips at a beach in Barcelona exist. Do they make me feel better? Not totally, but at least I have something pretty to look at while I freebase DayQuil.