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They’ve been together a while now. They’re beautiful and fashionable and they’ve travelled the world. This sense of adventure extends beyond geography. After so many years, it would appear that these two are still super hot for each other.

At a party very recently, they wandered into the garden. They started kissing, rubbing, grinding. He went between her thighs...with his hands...and an accessory.

A cucumber.

In the garden.

At a party.

With a cucumber.

She enjoyed it.

They didn’t know at the time but there was an audience. When they figured that out they were obviously mortified. They’re a lot luckier than Kristen Stewart though. The evidence in this case will not be published. (Lainey Gossip)

So they really just ripped that cucumber off the vine and used it as nature's dildo? That's some Adam & Eve shit. It's the closest you'll get to knowing what it's like riding Jolly Green Giant. But I have a lot of questions. Did dude at least take it to the nearest garden hose and wash off the dirt and worm poo before shoving it up her chocha, or did he just do it hippie-style? Is her pussy a vegan? When she came, did it smell like dressing? What did they do to the cucumber afterward? Did they just toss it back in the garden and leave it for some poor soul who used it to make cucumber sandwiches? Did the people he serve the cucumber sandwiches to wonder why the tea sandwiches were extra cream cheesy and a little sardinesey? These are the questions I need answers to when Lainey throws down a blind item about two hos partaking in some vegetosexual lovin'.

Oh, and my guess is Danny DeVito and Rhea Perlman?

The last time this A-List actress texted nude pics of herself to an ex, her phone got hacked and the images were plastered all over the Internet. You’d think that would have taught her a lesson, but she’s done it again! Although she’s dating a businessman now, the blonde 20-something actress sent racy photos to her well-known actor “friends with benefits” pal – and he’s been sharing them with all of his Hollywood buddies!

ScarJo? And I guess bitch won't stop until everyone's seen her titty balls in blurry ass cell phone pictures.

I have to say that in the world of diva's, this one is one of my favorites. She has been in this space before for a fairly big thing, but for an entirely different reason than today's item. Through the years, our diva, who is an A list diva, but on a lesser scale when it comes to her actual talent has always acted a little more innocent than she really is. She has done a little bit of everything and has A list name recognition and is known throughout the world. Back in the day she was involved with another A list celebrity. She liked to stay in the background and pretended she was this naive person when it came to the real world. But she isn't. She played our celebrity exactly the way he needed to be played and she walked away with well over $2M from her time with him and never paid for anything and earned a huge sum for herself much of which was based on the publicity she got from being with him. One time, our diva was involved in something very messy. She pleaded ignorance and that she had no idea what was going on, when in fact, she was the one who caused it all to happen by her actions. Later, she basically ran the same con again with another celebrity. She walked away with millions in cash and gifts and some huge paychecks that were way more than she should have been earning, but the publicity allowed her to get her rates way way up. From the time our diva first burst on to the scene, she has been cold and calculating and makes every decision with a very cold heart. It is all business and everything she does is business.

JLo. The end.

While surrounded by Janet, Jermaine, Rebbie, Rebbie's daughter and the marketing director of the Arizona resort (????????), Katherine Jackson awkwardly read from a prepared script in front of ABC News' cameras yesterday afternoon. This has to be the most bizarre hostage video I've ever seen.

A quick second after a judge gave temporary guardianship of Paris, Blanket and Prince to timeless beauty TJ Jackson, Katherine tried to kill the rumors going around by saying that her kids did not concoct a diabolical plan to kidnap her and that she was just on a short vacation. With Janet glaring down at her with stank eyes, Granny Jackson fumbled the words, plugged the name of the resort and then spewed out some ridiculousness about how she didn't want any phone calls while she was there and her her assistant checked up on the kids from time to time. Here's a piece of the statement that Granny Jackson totally wrote on her own (she totally didn't write that at all), but click here for the entire thing:

Hello, I'm Katherine Jackson, and there are rumors going around about me that I have been kidnapped and held against my will.

I am here today to let everybody know that I am fine and I am here with my children, and my children would never do a thing to me like that, holding me against my will. It's very stupid for people to think that.

But anyway, I am devastated that while I've been away, that my children, my grandchildren, have been taken away from me, and I'm coming home to see about that, also.

So I spoke to my grandson, TJ, last night, that I left there to be in charge of my children -- and I never leave home without leaving them with instructions of who to stay there with them, the nanny and all of them -- and someone had let go the cook, the nanny, and also the housekeepers. I don't know who did that but they don't have that power and they shouldn't have done it.

And now, the people are saying they are there with nothing to eat. I am sure they have something to eat but it's probably not healthy because the cook is not there.

But since I have also been away, my guardianship, which I just said, my children, have been taken away from me, my guardianship has been taken away from me. And, but, I spoke to my grandson TJ and also I spoke to Prince and Paris last night and told him I would be home today and they're waiting for me to come.

And I told him it wasn't necessary for him to go down and sign for guardianship. ... I don't know who instructed him to do that -- but that's what, but he wanted me to come home before that happened, but the ruling in court today was about the guardianship and I think it was based on a bunch of lies, but I have a good idea who's doing that and who's behind that.

But I am grateful for my children that they saw that I needed rest and they wanted to take me away for a while, just a short vacation and rest up. But one thing I have to say ... that I'm here at Miraval. They have taken good care of me and have made sure that I got the rest that I needed.

One reason I haven't called is I just gave up my phone and I didn't want to have any phone calls while I was here.

That entire statement belongs in a book of Jackson family folklores, because it is several stream of lies. If I skipped out on the children that I'm legally required to take care of and didn't tell them where I was going or check up on them to see that they're still breathing, that's me trying to get them taken away from me so I don't have to deal with their asses. I wouldn't be devastated, I'd be throwing off my wig and getting loose. You know, yesterday I read a story at TMZ about how Granny Jackson sounded drugged up when she called the house and fired all the security guards. I brushed it off and figured Granny Jackson just had a hit from a blunt with her nightly glass of sherry. But now I'm staring to think that one of her kids definitely crushed something into her bowl of mashed golden prunes.

I can't blame Granny Jackson for saying those lies on camera. I too would say whatever they wanted me to say if Jermaine Jackson's Jabba the Hutt titties were hovering above me like two ominous clouds with hard nipples. That's almost worse than a ho pointing a gun to your wig.

That dude throwing a side-eye in the back knew this mess was coming.

Water is wet, vodka is delicious, I'm hungover, some mark who spent the night with White Oprah woke up in a Long Island bath tub full of ice with some of his internal organs missing and cracked out stunt driver Lindsay Lohan got into another car accident. It's just another day! Drug dealers should really put a warning label on their bags of crack rocks warning crackies that smoking up the bad shit will affect their ability to know the difference between the brake and gas pedal.

TMZ says that after shopping at Chanel in Beverly Hills yesterday, the Geico Gecko's arch rival got behind the wheel (mistake #1) of another rented Porsche (mistake #2) and drove down Sunset Blvd. (mistake #3) before running into a silver Mustang that was stopped at a red light. Yes, that Mustang was not moving and this mess still busted into it. LiLo's passenger, who obviously loves inhaling second hand crack smoke while taking a Wednesday afternoon drive, knew the drill. Dude jumped out, gave the Mustang driver LiLo's insurance information and drooled out some excuse about the paparazzi following them. It was either blame the paparazzi or say that Scientology sorceress Tommy Girl is out to get her and used his telekinesis powers to push her Porsche into that Mustang.

TMZ has video of the Mustang driver talking about her brush with the slug-lipped freckled terror and it looks like there's only a few scratches on the bumper. The Mustang driver must have a b-hole shaped like a four leaf clover, because she's lucky she got off so easy.

A Huffy bike with flat tires, a Segway with a weak motor, an early model Hoveround and a Pogo Ball are the only things this bitch should be approved to drive. And why is Blohan wasting her time with trying to be a low-budget, soft-core porn star. Being a bumper car champion is her true calling.

The Omen (2012): Damian's douchebag years. - Kandykane

Runners-up:

Cynthia Nixon and Rojo's son was told from an early age, that boys will just use you to keep warm at night. - daisy100

Once told that he "was so stupid that if his brain exploded, it wouldn't mess up his hair," Aaron proved all the haters wrong. - MeowMeow

That's the last time he'll go down on Blohan without a fire extinguisher. - starvis

via Evil Milk

Otilia Martins, an 80-year-old Portuguese grandma who proved that she is: a) Not the one; b) Not the one; and c) REALLY not the one when two thieving piece of shit asshole thieves robbed her family's store in New Bedford, Massachusetts last Friday.

If you're planning on robbing a market, make sure an abuelita of any kind isn't anywhere near or else she may make some chutney on your face by beating you in the head with a mango. Case in point: Ms. Otilia was hanging out in her brother-in-law's market on Friday afternoon when two not-knowing dumb trash bags pointed a gun at the cashier and demanded all the money. They obviously didn't notice when the wind hid under every available table and all the patron saint candles turned to face the back of the shelf after Granny Otilia crept up behind them to put an end to their criminal foolery.

I don't know why Otilia didn't take off one of her slippers and launch it across the store, because she could've hit both of them in one throw. Ninja stars don't have SHIT on an abuelita's slipper (the truth according to everything). Instead, Otilia yelled at them and it got her a pistol whip to the face. One thing we should all know is that when you pistol whip a granny, not only will you spend your entire after life as Lucifer's daytime butt plug, but she will whoop your trick ass until you see the face of Ha-soos. Otilia has lived for 80 years, so no punk ass pistol slap to the cheek is going to keep her down. She came back up and when she couldn't find anything in her pocketbook to throw, she threw mangos at them. They finally realized that if anybody can turn a mango into a bullet, it's a granny, so they ran out of there. Who needs an armed security guard when've got a granny with some mangos. #grannygetyourmangos

They managed to run off with $500 in cash, but they were later caught and charged with a bunch of stuff including screwing with a memaw. When they get found guilty, oh and they will, their sentence better include a couple of weekends with Otilia who will finish beating their asses with mangos before making them sweep her carpet. Seriously, why did my abuelita always make me sweep the carpet?

via HuffPo

Mick Jagger (69)
Taylor Momsen (19)
Tamyra Gray (33)
Kate Beckinsale (39)
Vaniity (39)
Chris Harrison (41)
Jeremy Piven (47)
Sandra Bullock (48)
Kevin Spacey (53)
Nana Visitor (55)
Dorothy Hamill (56)
Roger Taylor of Queen (63)
Helen Mirren (67)
Darlene Love (71)
Joe Jackson (84)

There's been rumors that Demi Moore is weepy in the heart over the Tater Sisters trying to eject her from their lives and that she's even weepier in the vagina over Ashton Kutcher moving on to Mila Kunis. But Life & Style says that if Demi is crying cold tears of NOBODY LOVES ME, then she's drying those tears on some Kiwi peen. They say that Demi has traded in sucking on whip-its for sucking on Martin Henderson, an actor type who was in The Ring, Off The Map, Brit Brit's Toxic video and is now in Demi. Sorry :/

Last week, 49-year-old Demi and 37-year-old Martin took a quick vacation to New Preston, Connecticut and a paparazzo just so happened to check his phone when her publicist texted him the exact address of where to go to get a pic of the cougar and her new piece. So the pap showed up and took pictures of Demi and Martin walking into Nine Main Bakery, where they laughed, threw sex eyes at each other and laughed some more before she did this:

"She was in line and a Colbie Caillat song came on -- she started singing along and dancing in a playful, flirty way."

Colbie Caillat?! I refuse to believe that a dick can be so good that it's got you dancing to everything and anything including a damn Colbie Caillat song. There's a reason the phrase "Dick so good it's got me dancing to a Colbie Caillat song!" doesn't exist. This is just Demi thinking she's still a 19-year-old girl dancing in her bedroom while wearing pink cotton panties. But on to more important things...

I really can not with that popped collar. It's very Punk'd days Ashton Kutcher. It wasn't acceptable then and it's not acceptable now. I just hope that Martin's collar is popped into the douche position, because his style is stuck in 2004 and not because Demi is trying to Ashtonize him. If the latter is the case, Demi needs to go back to rehab for her chronic douche addiction.

The trailer for the new season of The Real Housewives of Miami is here and we can finally exhale now that the natural beauty of La Bruja is back in our lives - Celebuzz

Blind item solved? Jon Hamm is just out there, trolling bars, liquoring up girls and looking to have an intimate conversation with a pair of chichis - Lainey Gossip 

If Jason Trainwreck was any kind of handler, he'd take a Cheeto and smear some cheesebrows on Brit Brit's face, because she looks like some hillbilly Alien Nation shit - The Superficial  

This picture would be 300 times more gorgeous if Miley Cyrus was not in it - Drunken Stepfather 

Vulture makes Katie Holmes sound more interesting than she really is - Celebitchy

Two words: ZANNA DON'T! - Towleroad

The 90210 girls hit the beach and I wish I was talking about Brenda, Kelly and anybody but Donna - Popoholic

Is temporary blindness one of AbCuts' side effects, because that would explain why JWoww's face looks like that - Hollywood Tuna 

Gisele Bundchen either has a case of the BABIES!! or she discovered the mashed potato Slushie machine - Popsugar

Please tell me this is a mistake and Deadline just has a really funny way of spelling Aretha Franklin's name - ICYDK

I quit this bitch: Sharon Osbourne might be saying that to America's Got Talent - I'm Not Obsessed

Mimi took Jlo's job and JLo obviously took Mimi's cake - The Berry 

If you ever want a celebwhore to read your tweet, just throw some f-word-filled shade at them - SOW

Even Taylor Kitsch's freshly waxed nalgitas couldn't save Savages - (NSFW) OMG Blog

Connor Cruise got the Kid 'n Play - Just Jared

The dream job for any meth head with OCD - Videogum

Pussy wrassling! - Cityrag

You can't keep a mess with a Franketummy down for long - Hollywood Rag

I was going to say that Nutty Madam gives me life, but then I realized that YAAASSSS-ing at this video means I officially have no life and am not capable of ever getting one. And this right here needs to play on a loop in the waiting room of every mental hospital's Twihard Ward.

(Thanks, Lynn)

Finally, some real vocal talent around here! E.T. (short for Ear Tingles) has been luring hundreds to the Point Defiance Zoo in Tacoma, WA with his melodic walrus yodel that is more soothing to the ears than anything that comes out of JLo's mouth. American Idol, X-Factor and The Voice can all go away forever now, because E.T. is the future of singing and nobody will be able to top his talent. When E.T. blows out musical notes through his walrus mouth, you can tell he's really into it, because his tiny eyes nearly pop off of his face. Do Celine Dion's eyeballs do that? I didn't think so.

Or maybe I'm totally wrong and E.T. isn't singing. Maybe E.T. is just doing a really good impersonation of John Travolta's hole during a massage. You decide which hole I'm talking about.

via Arbroath