Yes, ASkars can still bring on the panty pudding even when he looks like he's having a constipated moment on the toilet - Just Jared
JLo and Casper the Friendly Gold Digger need to get themselves some umbrella hats - Lainey Gossip
I just called to say I love you...but not in a gay way - Towleroad
If you woke up this morning and shouted, "I really want to see some girl from iCarly in a bikini," then please have a seat over there and look at these pictures while I tell Chris Hansen he can jump out of the pantry now - The Superficial
Our Lady of Cheetos is in a bikini and showing us her exquisite taste in home decor - Hollywood Tuna
Lady CaCa derp-ing with her titties out - Drunken Stepfather
The future Mrs. Chad Kroeger is still making clothes for angsty tweens from 2001 - The Berry
The National Enquirer is publishing entries from Taylor Swift's Strawberry Shortcake dream diary again - Celebitchy
This will only work if Justin Bieber plays Anastasia Steele (I hate myself for knowing the character names) - ICYDK
It was nice of Amanda Seyfried to pick up whatever is left of Lindsay Lohan's dignity - Celebslam
Hilary Duff really needs one of those 80s t-shirt clips to really complete the look - Popoholic
A very subtle attack of the clones - Cityrag
Milla Jovovich is a regular Lindsay Lohan - Hollywood Rag
Forget getting arrested for head butting your wife of a minute, nothing is worse than finding out that you're not in Madden 13 - Crunk + Disorderly
You know Taylor Swift-Kennedy wanted to show up wearing a pillbox hat and pearls - Popsugar
Yes, you can find man nalgas in a place called Beaver Falls - (NSFWish) OMG Blog
Sage Stallone didn't die of an overdose - I'm Not Obsessed
So...this is what it's come to: a video of 2 hamsters double teaming a wheel. On that note, I'm off to get day drunk at the beach and hopefully you'll get drunk with cuteness from this video. Just try not to think of Richard Gere's b-hole having ecstasy seizures while watching this hamster porn.
Just like Clare Arnold's wonk eye, my soul dramatically fell to the side yesterday when a rumor went around that Kelly Taylor was rubbing her bull dozer vagina all over Dylan McKay's California Raisin face. It looks like that rumor was just a STUNT QUEEN move to promote the sitcom that Jennie Garth and Luke Perry are shopping around.
Jennie's rep once again told Rumor Fix that she's not screwing on Luke and they're just working on some dumb TV show together. The rep said, "They have been spending a lot of time together recently because the two are working on developing a TV sitcom together. It will be a multi-camera half hour show, currently we have producers and writers and are meeting with networks.”
Gross. The only thing worse than Jennie and Luke being an actual couple is them making a baby together in the form of a TV show that will obviously play on TVLand (aka the retirement home for 90s TV stars). I just want to take Jennie and Luke's TV show for a walk in the park and say to it, "Why are you doing this to me?! I hate you! Never show up on my TV again!"
We already know that Prince Hot Ginge's naked party in his VIP suite at the Wynn in Las Vegas had appearances by his red pepper nipples, lines of coke, hos high on shrooms and weed, and now some source tells Radar that there were also pussy peddlers and drug dealers in the room. So basically, PHG's party was like every other party in Las Vegas. In Las Vegas, the only way to snort a line of the bad shit is to snort it off of a leased twat.
The source says that on the night PHG was partying hard, he got a text from his coke dealing friend who was in the suite. The coke dealer pretty much live-texted the party to the source who had this to say about that night:
"My friend won't give up any of the details about what happened in that hotel suite, including whether or not Harry was doing coke, but he was definitely there. Things got pretty crazy in Prince Harry's suite that night. Everyone was drinking and drugs were also being used by some people. One of the women partying in Harry's suite has been known to prostitute and accept money and gifts for sexual favors."
Can we just get the inevitable out the way and say that the afternoon after the party, PHG woke up in a puddle of monkey piss to find a dead hooker in the bathtub, a family of goats in the closet and a baby in his duffel bag. We've pretty much seen this movie!
And I CAN'T with that hooker. In front of her was a drunk Prince Hot Ginge, a whole lot of drugs and his handlers were too busy getting lap dances from one cent skanks to do the job they were paid to do. Why didn't that pussy peddler drug PHG, sneak him out of the hotel and drag him to the nearest chapel to marry his ass and become an instant princess?! Shaking my head at that hooker. It's truly a sad day when a whore drops the ball.
As expected, American Idol has taken the dawg out back and he won't be at the judge's table to hold down Mimi when she tries to butterfly punch Nicki Minaj's wig off. TMZ is hearing that Randy Jackson's judge's chair has been pulled out from under his ass and the producers are giving him the mentor role instead. The producers don't really want to give Randy the mentor role, but they're afraid that the world will stop spinning if he doesn't have someone to say "yo dawg, yo dawn, yo dawg, I wasn't feeling it, yo dawg, yo dawg" to all the time.
The producers are looking to get the ass cheeks of a country star, like Keith Urban, in the third judge's chair and they also want to cast a fourth judge. Kanye West was talking to the producers at one point about having a seat at the judge's table, but that's not going to happen. So sadly, Ryan Gaycrest won't get a natural tan when Mimi and Kanye's egos rub together and sparks a wall of flames that shoots toward the stage.
TMZ's source says that the producers aren't sure who should get the fourth seat, but I have two suggestions. Since they're just throwing piles of money at Mimi and Nicki, they should save a few coins by casting a plastic Randy Jackson bobble head doll that says "YO DAWG!" on a loop or they should try to get the empty RNC chair. If that empty chair can handle getting yelled at by Dirty Harry, it can totally handle those tone-deaf singing kids.
Tori Spelling and her possum-eyed husband Dean McDERPott have a 5-year-old named Liam, a 4-year-old named Stella, a 10-month-old named Hattie and now they have a 15-hour-old named Finn Davey. So as you sip your morning cup of java-flavored liquid meth, take comfort in knowing that at any given time, Tori's either got a baby falling out of her cooch or Dean's peen falling into her cooch.
Last night, Tori posted a picture on her website of a newborn's hand holding on to her finger (the baby diarrhea nail polish was a nice touch) and added the note:
Please join us in welcoming Finn Davey McDermott
6 pounds, 6 ounces – 20 inches long
Yeah, Liam, Stella, Hattie and Finn Davey. That reads like the character list of a lost Tennessee Williams play or like the fake names of the servers at a Mark Twain-themed restaurant.
Tori's uterus is probably letting out a long sigh of relief because it's finally getting a moment to itself, but it shouldn't get used to being alone. Because as soon as Dean's peen looks at her for longer than ten seconds, she'll be knocked up again. Those Mon Calamaris are fertile bitches.
The entire bikini industry is shaking out of their string bottoms, because their number one ho LeAnn Rimes is off soothing her splintered nerves somewhere. TMZ says that LeAnn is getting help for anxiety, but she isn't in rehab. LeAnn is in a Monday through Friday therapy center of some kind where she's learning how to cope with anxiety and stress. It's not really rehab, because LeAnn can leave on the weekends and she gets to keep her phone. Oh, rich, famous whores. When they get stressed out, they go to a luxurious spa with an advice booth for 30 days. When the rest of us get stressed out, we take a bath, pop half a Xanax and fucking deal.
TMZ says that LeAnn became an anxious stick in a bikini when she spotted a wild snake at her hooves and galloped back to her stable. No, apparently there's a group of haters on Twitter who are firmly on Team Brandi Glanville (aka Eddie Cibrian's ex-wife) and are constantly throwing hate at LeAnn for slipping Eddie's wedding ring off with her snatch. Since crazy runs through LeAnn's system instead of protein, she constantly fights back at her haters on Twitter. This past spring, LeAnn got together with some of her Twitter friends in real life (????) and decided to call two of her haters to work things out. The two haters, Kimberly Smiley and Lexi Smiley, taped the conversation and then splattered it all over the Internet. In the tape, LeAnn bashes Brandi, but she claims that Kimberly and Lexi edited that shit together. LeAnn is now suing the both of them for invasion of privacy. And that's why LeAnn is on the edge of having a meltdown.
LeAnn, Kimberly and Lexi need to check into a junior high school for 30 days, because a) that's where their crazy asses belong; and b) that's where beyond stupid shit like this is usually resolved. Bitches swear they're in Mean Girls.
Meanwhile, a source tells Radar that LeAnn is getting help for her anxiety issues, because she thinks Eddie is passing his peen to another and she's been stressing out about it. It really shouldn't surprise LeAnn if Eddie is dipping his noncommittal dick in the cooch wells of other tricks, because he's Eddie Cibrian and that's just what he does. I could understand if LeAnn is stressing out over that, because she's dickmatized and dickmatized hos usually go into panic mode when they think they're going to lose some good dick. But freaking out over Twitter?
I have seen some of the tweets that LeAnn's haters send her and they do go extra hard and act like she fucked their man. Yes, LeAnn would probably fuck their man if she could, but I'm guessing she hasn't, so it's really not that serious. But if LeAnn can't take all the Twitter hate, she should use her fingers to explore a button called the DELETE button. Bitch doesn't need therapy, she just needs someone to show her how to delete her damn Twitter account.
I swear, it's all fun and tweets until some crazy fame whore ends up in a luxurious therapy spa for 5 days a week.
The empty chair that was the star of the RNC thanks to Clint Eastwood!
For the final night of the Republican National Convention (I think it was the final night, I don't know these things), they brought out a very special "mystery guest" and that mystery guest was American treasure and my new favorite pepaw Clint Eastwood who took the "mystery" in mystery guest to a whole new level by making some of us wonder what the fuck his speech was about.
For over 10 magical minutes, Clint gave a hilariously surreal speech (click here for the transcript which college theater students will be using as an audition monologue for years to come) about I don't know what, but then he really brought the theater and drama when he started arguing with an imaginary Obama sitting on a chair. It was some Grandpa Simpson yelling at a cloud shit and I loved all of it. I hope that after Clint left the stage, he yelled at a backstage water cooler for looking at him wrong and then when he sat on the toilet in his dressing room, he yelled at the roll of toilet paper for being so damn stupid.
There's nothing more that needs to be said about this, because everyone, including the real Obama, has tweeted about this and it's already become a full-on meme. The only thing I have to say is that Clint Eastwood went ahead and made my day!
And come November, I'm totally voting for that empty chair. Empty Chair 4 President!
Deborah Gibson (42)
Jeff Hardy (35)
Sara Ramirez (37)
Chris Tucker (42)
Queen Rania of Jordan (42)
Jonathan LaPaglia (43)
Gina Schock (55)
Julie Brown (57)
Marcia Clark (59)
Richard Gere (63)
Van Morrison (67)
To follow up their successful campaign to send Pitbull's ass to a Walmart in Alaska, 4Chan is now trying to send make Taylor Swift perform at a school for the deaf. I don't know if this is a potent act of bitchery or an act of bitchery mixed in with a little sweetness. Or mixed in with a lot of cruelness since many deaf children can hear and they'll be forced to listen to Taylor's goat yodeling.
In a contest co-sponsored by Papa John's and Chegg, any school that gets the most votes on Facebook will win a visit and performance from Taylor Swift. The top 5 schools will also win a $10,000 grant for their music department. A quick second after 4Chan found out about the contest, The Horace Mann School for The Deaf and Hard of Hearing in Massachusetts became the clear leader and right now it has over 25,000 votes.
The rules state that Taylor doesn't have to perform at the winning school if she doesn't want to, but her heart is made of crushed strawberry lollipops and Lisa Frank stickers so there's no way she'll turn down a school for the deaf. You know what's going to happen, though? Taylor's going to show up with her guitar and then she'll put it down before doing the entire performance in sign language. It'll be a win for the kids, because they'll get to see Taylor Swift's ass and their hearing aids won't explode from her live singing voice.
But seriously, if you're the parent of a curly-haired tall boy who goes to Horace Mann, lock down your son right now, because that boytrap Taylor might be coming to town.