Miley Cyrus tweeted this picture of her with a very special friend who has more in its head than she does and has better hair. I know Miley is trying to be oh-so-edgeeeezzzz and I can appreciate her trying to get into the carpool lane, but I really don't need the image of Billy Ray Cyrus naked spooning with this blow-up doll while eating tacos. It's way too early for that.
RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn't getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches... My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown's foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.
Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown's outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, "He looks like he got dat thunda lightning."
And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn't a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.
Bianca (as played by Brenda Vaccaro) and Selena (as played by Faye Dunaway) from Supergirl!
In one of the greatest comedies of all time, Supergirl, Faye Dunaway and Brenda Vaccaro play Selena and Bianca, two wannabe witches who live in a funhouse and wear the finest Dorothy Zbornak creations. Once they get their hands on this glowing orb thing, they spend the entire movie scheming so Selena can fuck Hart Bochner (she tries to seduce him with malt liquor), all while Bianca just drinks martinis and huffs Marlboro Red 100s. There's this whole subplot of fighting Supergirl (including at a Popeye's), but mostly because she stands in the way of Selena getting dick! These are true blue sluts and the greatest comedy duo since Ball and Vance!
Chris Daughtry (33)
Beth Behrs (27)
Tiffany Brissette (38)
Reichen Lehmkuhl (39)
Jared Leto (41)
Lars Ulrich (49)
Temuera Morrison (52)
Tina Wesson (52)
David Sedaris (56)
Candy Crowley (64)
John Walsh (67)
Jane Lapotaire (68)
Phil Spector (73)
Caroll Spinney aka Big Bird and Oscar the Grouch (79)
Donald Moffat (82)
So much for the 489th rumor that Jennifer Aniston is knocked up with the final sign of the apocalypse, because here she is in Cabo with a flat stomach and I don't see a fetus foot dangling out of her crotch. This Christmas, Jennifer Aniston is blinding people within a 40-mile radius of Cabo with the bright ass rays shooting off of her 89-carat diamond hitchin' ring and she's doing tequila shots out of Justin Theroux's cum gutters. I'm just going to point out three quick things about these pictures:
1. While Jennifer Aniston puts some heat on her ice pick nipples, she lies in the birthing position, because you can never practice too much and you never know when the BABY OF YOUR DREAMS might pop out of there. I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant happens in real life sometimes.
2. Is Justin Theroux serious with those jorts and newsboy cap? Justin is in Cabo, bitch isn't at a summer barbecue on a rooftop on Avenue B. You know at least once during their trip, he'll ask a waiter, "Tienes Pabst?"
3. SmartWater is SadWater today, because Jennifer Aniston is cheating on it with what looks like Fiji.
And as for Justin, fugly jorts and all, I still would.
Bitches can stop throwing Jessica Simpson a "GUUURRRRRL, you just swallowed three lifetimes of Weight Watchers points" side-eye when she puts her mouth around a Pop-Tarts and three sticks of butter sandwich, because she's eating buttered Pop-Tarts for two now. Jessica tweeted this picture of Baby Maxwell this morning and it's her way of letting everyone know that she'll be birfing out her second baby in about 98 weeks or so. My hungover eyes saw this pic and thought the words read "BIG TITS." That makes sense too since the last time Chestica got knocked up, her chichis grew to the size of Papa Joe's bulging eyeballs when he sees a hairless, blonde twink sashaying by.
About a month ago, UsWeekly put a No Vacancy sign over Jessica's uterus when they said that she came down with another case of the babies just a few months after she gave birth to Baby Maxwell. Then Weight Watchers threw a mountain of money at her, she lost 50 pounds and then said, "Fuckit, losing weight is overrated, I'm hongray!"
Weight Watchers didn't miss a second and tweeted some words for Chestica:
Congrats to @JessicaSimpson, Eric and big-sister-to-be Maxwell! Your WW family is so thrilled for you. What an amazing year you've had!
Translation: "Um, here's the receipt, can we go our moneys back?"
But really, congratulations to Chestica, Whatshisname and the makers of Pop-Tarts who will have another record-breaking year!
Aka, the former Miss Ukraine and the most graceful wig-wearing angel of the season who is bringing you the Christmas anthem of 2012.
I first heard about this Eastern European gift from Jesus last month when she threatened to sue the BLATANT THIEVES who wrote and produced the song "Call Me Maybe" for stealing some of the lyrics to her song "Hunky Santa." Carly Rae Jepsen should be spending her Christmas in a Canadian prison cell getting waterboarded with maple syrup while a Nickelback Christmas song (please tell me one doesn't exist) blares in her ears for screwing with Aka. Yes, aka is short for Also Known As The True Definition Of Talent.
Aka should also sue the writers of "Santa Baby," because they're obviously future see-ers who looked into the year 2012, listened to her masterpiece of a holiday song and then stole the entire idea for their song. Aka should also sue Debbie Harry for stealing her face and Linda Hogan for stealing her entire style. And she should sue the makers of wigs made out of shredded Styrofoam for stealing her luscious hairstyle. Basically, Aka should sue the world for copyright infringement, because she's a one-of-a-kind original flower and we're all stealing from her.
Merry Christmas, everybody! If you didn't get a Hunky Santa for Christmas this year, tell your genitals not to frown, because you got something even better: the gift of natural beauty and pure elegance in form of a Ukrainian goddess!
Shane MacGowan (55)
Perdita Weeks (27)
The Veronicas (28)
Armin van Buuren (36)
Rob Mariano (37)
Helena Christensen (44)
Alannah Myles (54)
Annie Lennox (58)
CCH Pounder (60)
Karl Rove (62)
Sissy Spacek (63)
Barbara Mandrell (64)
Twink Caplan (65)
Jimmy Buffett (66)
Oh, RiRi, I can't quite see your bits. SLUT FAIL. This is a picture Rhianna tweeted of herself on her weekend in Barbados.
TMZ has more pics, and you can check them out. The point is that RiRi is more fabulous and has less class than the rest of us!! Thank you RiRi, for both your love of being half nekkid and your dedication to making me feel like a true lady in comparison. It takes a lot to upstage me, and I bow low in your slutty wake.
So today, my mom got onto me for being all about Dlisted and not about my kids at Christmastime. Looking at these pics of RiRi, I don't feel so bad. Sorry Mom. And sorry kids, you will have to deal with EVERYTHING YOU WANTED PLUS SOME on Christmas morning. But at least I don't have my ass hanging out for the world to see. You're welcome, kids.
Try not to hate as you try and fail to reenact this glorious moment for your S.O. Leg zit sold separately.
Happy Holidays!! That seems to be what's going through Kim Kardashian and Kanye West's minds along with the rest of us. For those of you who don't believe in true love or holiday spirit, feast your eyes upon these pics of a perfect couple leaving Kung Pao Bistro in WeHo and rejoice. It's better than ham, or turkey, or Spam (side eyes MK in Hawaii) or whatever you're serving up for holiday dinner.
Just look at them. Have you ever seen a couple more obviously in love?? Try not to hate on the fabulous time that they are surely reveling in, and just focus on the deep love they feel for each other and have hope that yes, though you're not wearing a $20K bubble skirt mess and your bf doesn't clown on you with every new outfit, you too can experience true love.
Since I've already hammered Courtney Stodden's holiday greatness into your heads, I don't feel bad for posting this. It's almost a palate cleanser at this point. It's the thinly sliced raw ginger root of the blogosphere.