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Some thought that Keith Urban was going to throw himself off the wagon and dive directly into a mountain of mind-numbing cocaine after he was literally caught in the middle of a diva bitch brawl between a Muppet thug in a curdled Strawberry Quik wig and the butterfly queen of the lambs in Charlotte, NC on Tuesday. But at last night's New York Film Festival premiere of his wife's movie The Paperboy (aka Golden Shower Fun Times with Zac & Nicole), Keith told Extra that he loved it when the Trinidadian chihuahua barked at the Long Island cocker spaniel. Keith loves passionate (read: ridiculous) artists (see: bitches) who openly express themselves (see: act like pieces of trash), because it makes him feel alive (see: laughs so hard his hair curtain becomes a side part) and it makes things very exciting (see: it gives him the wet shits and he was constipated for days before that). I'll let Keef tell it to you in his own words:

“I love it, I gotta say, look I love working with passionate people. I love artists. Everyone just sort of expressing themselves. It’s a very alive and very invigorating work environment. A lot of passion. Randy is the craziest, so you know I’m predictable.”

What Keith is saying is that in high school he was that bitch in the second row (tip: When watching a high school fight, always stand in the second row in case a rogue fist comes flying into the crowd.) screaming "Whoop that frock tart!" ("Frock tart" is Kiwi talk for "trick.") I can totally understand why watching Nicki Minaj go full Turrets on a bitch makes Keith happy. Because when he goes home at night, he eats dinner across from a Botoxed iceberg who has the emotional range of the dead AAA batteries your mom has kept in the freezer for years. So it's like Christmas times for Keith every time someone raises their voice above a frozen whisper. If you ever want to see Keith poop out an orgasm, yell at him hard!

Here's more of Keith and Nicole looking like a bizarro world Ellen & Portia at last night's The Paperboy premiere. Obviously, the key to Keith and Nicole's marriage lasting so long has everything to do with them sleeping separately. He sleeps in a tanning bed and she sleeps in an oxygen chamber/coffin.

Wonky McValtrex, in her infinite wisdom, went to the little old lady painting-restorer in Spain to get her eye fixed. And IT WORKED! - how dare you

Runners-up:

"Repaint Sinners!" - maejones

Faces of Meth BC - pamorama_j

Screech attempts to draw the spotlight away from Lisa Turtle by revealing his new Spanish plastic surgery. - HamilcarRules

via TDW

Big Bird and we all know why.

(Pic via @FiredBigBird)

Jackie Collins (75)
Dakota Johnson (23)
Kimmie Meisner (23)
Lil Mama (23)
Lena Katina of t.A.T.u. (28)
Rachael Leigh Cook (33)
Alicia Silverstone (36)
Liev Schreiber (45)
John Melendez (47)
Micky Ward (47)
Jon Secada (50)
Chris Lowe (53)
Russell Simmons (55)
Christoph Waltz (56)
Tcheky Karyo (59)
Armand Assante (63)
Stephen Gyllenhaal (63)
Linda McMahon (64)
Susan Sarandon (66)
Anne Rice (71)

Who is the super-hip reality star flaunting a sizzling lesbian affair with her producer and gushing to cast mates that the romance is her ticket to network sitcom? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

Munch your way to that sitcom, Mama June! Pour some sketti sauce on it, and nom your way to that sitcom contract!

If this isn't about Mama June from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, then it must be about La Bruja from The Real Housewives of Miami, because they're the only "super-hip" reality stars I know of.

A visitor to a film set brought their dog with them. One of the lead actors (who is very well-known) chatted briefly with the dog owner, whom he had previously met. The actor told the visitor that he actually owned a similar dog years ago, and that he really missed her.

When the dog owner received a phone call requiring them to leave the set, our actor volunteered to watch the dog. The delighted dog owner accepted the offer and promised to return in about an hour.

They were actually gone about twenty minutes. When they returned, they were told that the actor had gone to his trailer, and had taken the dog with him. The dog owner went to the trailer and, amused to hear the actor talking to the dog, opened the door without knocking.

They found the actor naked and erect behind the dog. The actor quickly covered up, muttering some sort of excuse. The horrified dog owner grabbed the dog and left. The actor has since contacted the dog owner twice to offer compensation in exchange for their silence. (Blind Gossip)

How in the hell didn't the dog owner scream for the police, the animal precinct, the FBI, the President of the United States, Cesar Milan, Mariska Hargitay and the owner of a whistle store, because all the rape whistles needed to be blown over this mess. I would've done more than grab my dog. I would've grabbed for the nearest thing to throw. Then after I told ALL the authorities about this, I would've made fliers with his face over the words "DO NOT SELL PEANUT BUTTER TO THIS DOG RAPIST" on them. And I'd give a flier to every grocery store, because bitch has no business buying peanut butter...chunky or creamy.

This B list actress from a very hit cable show says everything is fine in her not very long marriage. Then, why is everything being packed up from her home while she is on a press tour? He can't handle her fame. He is insecure and jealous and has found someone else. Our actress just closes her eyes and wants it to go away and for everything to be perfect. (CDAN)

Claire Danes? Now she can finally be with Jordan Catalano.

This teenage reality star has to be chaperoned when she sees her celebrity boyfriend because the last few times they have been alone together they have made it very clear they have a sexual relationship and her mom is freaked out about her getting pregnant. Way more concerned about image and brand than her daughter. She should be concerned about the photos and chats she has with her boyfriend while he is on the road. When he is not sleeping with other fans. (CDAN)

"Now, Kylie, sex isn't just something you should give away. It's special and beautiful and you and Cody Simpson should really wait until you're older. That way you can legally do it in front of a camera and I can sell that tape to Vivid for millions of dollars. Now give mama a hug and let's go shopping for edible panties." - Pimp Mama Kris to Kylie Jenner

Sahara Davenport (born name: Antoine Ashley) of RuPaul's Drag Race flew up to heaven on the wings of his wig on Monday and his mother wrote on his Facebook page that he passed away from heart failure at John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, Maryland. Sahara's mother says he was 27 years old. Sahara's partner in glitter and everything else, Manila Luzon from RuPaul's Drag Race season 3, also released a statement on his Facebook page:

“Antoine lived to entertain the world as Sahara Davenport, and the world was in awe over his extreme talent. But his heart is what made us all fall in love with him. To me he will always be my best friend, my hero, my Diva, and I have always considered myself more than lucky to have him be forever a part of my life. Thank you, hon, for bringing so much beauty to all of us. Your legacy lives on in me and all of us you've touched."

Sahara's Facebook page has information about a public memorial and where to send donation to his mother for funeral services.

I hope that Sahara wore that ensemble in the picture above for her trip to heaven, because Jesus, God and all the saints need to see a tuck tool that also creates a double camel toe. They just need to see it up close.

Jon Hamm's peen makes an encore appearance and I hope this leads to a multi-episode arch on Mad Men - The Superficial

Elizabeth Hurley >>>>>>>> Lady CaCa - Lainey Gossip

Tyler Shields' photo shoots always look like the fourth place winner at a community college photography show and this shoot with the cast of Revenge is no exception - The Berry

Maria Menonous is totally thinking to herself, "If I get close enough to Cynthia Nixon I might be able to smell Rojo Caliente's saliva." - Hollywood Tuna

A horny DanRad looks sort of hot until I stare at it too long and start to see two lizard tails breaking into his forehead - Towleroad

Well, we now know that The Lone Ranger people bought everything from the Wild, Wild West fire sale - Celebitchy

Paz Vega wears an arm bra on GQ Mexico - Drunken Stepfather

The Chipolte spotlight stealer wasn't shocked that Mitt Romney was actually posing with non-white people, he was just making his excited face - Buzzfeed

And after Whole Foods, they drove to the free clinic so Minka Kelly could pick up some Valtrex for Chris Evans since she might've given him the gift Derek Jeter gave her - Popoholic

Oh, so NOW Kelly Taylor wants her own life after stealing Brenda Walsh's? Interesting. - ICYDK

David Beckham gives a bus full of star watchers a moon show (sort of) - Just Jared

A trick who hasn't ever paid for her crimes wants another trick to pay for his crimes - IDLYITW

Please don't tell me GOOPY wants to play Belinda Carlisle - OMG Blog

So you know that friend you go to dinner with who takes FOREVER ordering and makes the server roll their eyes and shit? Mary's that friend - Videogum

There's only one kind of pussy allowed in the strip club - Crunk + Disorderly

This is how Xtina scrapes her make-up off every night - Cityrag

The entire Internet simultaneously shouted SANTO DIOS! this past May when Saved By The Bell's Lark Voorhies gave an interview with a whole lot of WTF smeared all over her face. It was obvious that something wasn't right and some speculated that snorting the wrong kind of illegal drug made her do herself up like a LeAnn Rimes impersonator on the white face circuit. But Lark's mother Tricia tells People (via Yahoo!) that her daughter isn't hooked on the bad shit. Lark suffers from mental health issues including bipolar disorder. Everything about that last sentence makes me want to gently chin hump a teddy bear while crying myself to sleep.

Tricia says that even though Lark takes medication for her bipolar disorder, she doesn't want to get psychiatric help and hasn't exactly embraced finding the right treatment that works for her. Tricia wouldn't get into any details, but told People that Lark had a mental breakdown due to several traumatic experiences in her life. Lark's divorce from her husband in 2001 and her career not going anywhere after SBTB didn't help her mental situation. Nowadays, Lark lives with her mother in Pasadena, barely has any friends and doesn't really leave the house.

People had to interview Lark twice, because the first time they talked to her she stopped talking mid-sentence, stared blankly into nothing and mumbled to herself and imaginary people. Basically, Lark went full Amanda Bynes. In the second interview, they asked Lark why she seemed out of and she said that she's very spiritual and they caught her in moments of prayer. Lark admitted to People that she hears voices in her head, but the doctors don't know what it is and can't treat it.

"Over-loving" is what Lark called her mother and said that nobody needs to form a prayer circle around her, because she's fine. She's not sick and she's busy working on her music career and writing books.

So let's recap: Lisa Turtle mumbles to herself, hears voices in her head, lives with her mother, never leaves the house and doesn't have any friends? Should my ass be worried, because that's basically me in two weeks.

And like with most shitty things in life (including that brow situation), let's just blame all of this on Screech. Someone really needs to citizen's arrest his ass.

Here's Terrence Howard trying to sniff through the cigarette smoke-infused air to get to the sweet scent of Oprah's freshly baby wiped butt. There's a good reason for why Terrence Howard is making a sexy "Oh, I just wanna wipe up that butt baby-style" face and that's because he's shooting a love scene with The Mighty O. Oprah Instagram'd this picture of her and Terry on their last day of shooting Lee Daniels' The Butler. Oprah said that this was their "goodbye love scene." A tramped up Oprah and a slicked back Terry Howard getting on each other like that? Let's all join a weeping Gayle King in the corner, because this scares and hurts me too.

via WOW Report 

Cameron Diaz tells Esquire UK (via Daily Mail) what every actress tells magazines: she LOVES getting older and she's never felt this good in her life and feels better at 40 than she did at 25. BLAH BLAH BLAH. If you don't believe Cameron, then spend some time with the exquisite portraits of subtle elegance that Terry Richardson took of her for the magazine. Nothing says confidence like squatting out an invisible turd while looking like a truck stop morning-shift stripper who gives her customers a handy behind the dumpster for a half pack of Kools. That last sentence was delivered with zero sarcasm, because a jean jacket paired with black garters is the perfect picture of class and confidence.

Cameron also said a bunch of other things and I'd like to think she said them out loud while Terry Richardson was telling her to pop that pussy for his camera:

Cameron says this about being 40: "For the first time in my life I’m content. I’m so excited. Getting older is the best part of life. Like, I know more than I’ve ever known."

The pictures say: "Look at my ass! I'm 40!"

Cameron says this about being 40. Yes, she's still talking about being 40: "I have gratitude. I know myself better. I feel more capable than ever. And as far as the physicality of it, I feel better at 40 than I did at 25."

The pictures say: "You know you still want to fuck me! I'm 40!"

Cameron says this about having kids: "There’s still a possibility of that, I ain't that old. Believe it or not, I’m feeling very... capable." 

The pictures say: "You know you want to fuck a baby out of me! I'm 40!"

Cameron says this about never getting married: "I’m smart! No, it’s hard to say. It just wasn’t the thing I was drawn to. I certainly didn’t want it in my 20s. Or my 30s. So we’ll see. I’d always wanted to get hitched in Vegas at least three times."

The pictures say: "You know you want to fuck me three times in Vegas! I'm 40!"

Cameron says this about being all-natural: "There’s no such thing as anti-aging. You can’t go back in time. So for me, it’s about living in this moment, the best that I can. Contentment is about coming to terms with life as it is."

The pictures say: "Look at my hot, sexy plastic titty balls! I'm 40!"

So in case you didn't get the message: Cameron Diaz is still hot and she's such a lady that she farts out the words "style & substance." We get it, Cameron.