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File this under: Shit that reads like the plot of a messed up romcom starring Katherine Heigl and Hilary Swank.

A billionaire property magnate from Hong Kong has offered up a $65 million reward to any man who can successfully lure away his 33-year-old lesbian daughter from her wife. FINALLY, my dreams of becoming a beard AND a successful gold digger can come true. This can really work especially since many a bitch has told me that I look like a middle-aged Chinese butch lez.

Business Insider (via Towleroad) says that the daughter Gigi Chao (on the right and her Facebook is here) married her partner of 7 years Sean Eav (on the left) in France on April 4th, but her father Cecil Chao denies that a wedding ever took place and he refuses to accept his daughter's wife into the family. Cecil Chao is so desperate to make his daughter straight that he's willing to part with $65 million of his own money and he doesn't even care if the lesbian-turner is poor or rich. The only thing Cecil wants in a son-in-law to be is a dude who is kind in the heart and is a hard worker who wants to start his own business. Cecil, my future father-in-law, put it like this:

"[The prize money is] an inducement to attract someone who has the talent but not the capital to start his own business. Gigi is a very good woman with both talents and looks. She is devoted to her parents, is generous and does volunteer work."

I've only been in a Subaru twice, I hate going to Home Depot and plaid flannel doesn't look good on me because it's too busy for my facial features, but I'm willing to change all of that to be richer than Honey Boo Boo (I'm convinced she's a secret millionaire and is faking the poor for maximum media attention)!

But seriously, this could be like the lesbian version of Ang Lee's The Wedding Banquet. I'll move into Gigi and Sean's penthouse and we'll all pretend our way to millions! I'll even do a beard apprenticeship with Kelly Preston for a few months to learn how to be the best beard ever.

If my father-in-law ever walks into my Hong Kong penthouse and catches me with a peen in my mouth, I'll just tell him that his heterosexual daughter and I are heterosexual swingers and I always test the peens she's about to suck on, because I respect him too much to let his heterosexual daughter suck on nasty-tasting dicks. He'll believe me, this will work and we'll all be rich!

On the left is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor and on the right is a green insect that you will find a way to shoo outside if you found it crawling on your kitchen floor (hint: just throw a black dildo into your backyard and it'll go running after it).

Kim Kardashian posed with Pimp Mama Kris at some Midori event in L.A. last night wearing a green velvet disco dress that only looked good on all of our moms when they wore it in 1978.

Of course the green beetle has this and I didn't even need to ask. There's no competition. At least if the beetle wanted to shed its shell, IT would be the one doing the shedding, the shell wouldn't shed it. The same cannot be said for Kim Kuntrashian's ass. When Kim climbed into the back of an SUV, her dress couldn't take the pain, humiliation or pressure anymore and tried to quit her double down ass by ripping itself off of her body. Or Pimp Mama Kris is off camera pulling invisible strings attached to that dress to give Kim her own Sofia Vergara STUNT QUEEN moment. Yeah, probably that.

Liv Tyler left the Arclight movie theater in L.A. last night with Benedict Timothy Carlton Cumberbatch aka Sherlock from the BBC Sherlock aka the long-suffering rich bitch who regularly speaks out about the plight of the wealthy aka the star of Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch.

Liv Tyler was in Lord of the Rings and Benedict does the voice for Smaug the Dragon in The Hobbit, so if they are bumping nipples, this shit is like some bizarre Tolkien fanfic porn. They could be just friends, but if they aren't, I could see why Liv would want to wrap her legs around Benedict Cumsinbatches' neck.

To me, Benedict sort of looks like a komodo dragon who disguised itself as a prairie dog and acts like a prairie dog to trick real prairie dogs into trusting it. Benedict even does the same facial expression prairie dogs do when they sense that danger is coming. So when/if Benedict goes down on Liv and he lifts his head up to see if she's into it, he probably looks like an adorable prairie dog looking to see if the coast is clear. A prairie dog sticking its head out of a hole is my favorite thing to see at the zoo! And Liv gets to see that every time Benedict eats her out. I bet she even throws dead grasshoppers at him when he does a good job. Lucky bitch.

I once worked at a company a million years ago where the owner believed that the best way to run a business was to hire as many of his own blood relatives as possible. The owner had this nephew who dropped out from the University of Phoenix Online (Who in the HELL drops out of the University of Phoenix Online?!), didn't finish his courses at DeVry and only had "clerk at Kinko's" on his resume under past employment, so naturally he was made Director of Marketing of the company. Dude really tried to do a good job, but I've heard better ideas from a 4-year-old on a sugar high and "awkward" doesn't begin to describe the presentations he'd give to the entire company. Dude's presentations were as cringe-worthy as watching your piece try to get it up by furiously fapping with his own saliva while you hug a pillow hoping for it to end.

The whole "nephew of the owner of the company" thing is the first thing I thought of when watching Jaden Smith's new rap video. FOR WHY?! Jaden is only 14 years old, so he should be snorting bath salts under the bleachers like a normal high school freshmen and not rapping about dating older women who do yoga. My soul is doing the downward NO to that one. This is what happens when a latch key kid has an unlimited allowance and an iPhone contact list full of music industry executives who owe his daddy a favor. If you strapped that video to a heart monitor, the only thing you'd see on the screen is a flat line. Jaden's voice is monotone as hell. Not to mention that his facial expressions go from "a stoned Doug" to an "extra smug Dylan McKay."

First, music gets this song from Jaden Smith and then Andy Williams dies. Music, you can stay under the covers today. It's not your day. And now for a palate cleanser:

via HuffPo

I'm not Jewish, but I think I'm going to join the Yom Kippur fast today, because my taste buds deserve the day off after all of my senses were affected while thinking about the kinds of fondue the Twihards made their in their chonies after reading this story at UsWeekly. How will I ever enjoy a meal at The Melting Pot every again?!

UsWeekly says that Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson are totally back together in every way including sharing bathroom counter space, which they hardly ever use since they never brush their teefs and wash their faces. Who knows if they're living together in the Los Feliz house RPattz put up for sale or the Malibu house KStew recently bought, but they're living together again somewhere. If you need to read this news directly from the unnamed source's unidentified mouth instead, here you go:

"They are living together and have reconciled."

There! Confirmed!

There's one pro and one con about this highly important CNN-worthy news. The pro is that RPattz can finally throw away the silicone mold of KStew's pit he had made. Now RPattz can wake up, stare into and make out with the real thing. For RPattz, the best part of waking up is pit stew in his cup. The con is that RPattz has put Bear Pattinson-Stewart in charge of giving KStew the "Smell Yo Cooch" test every night to make sure her box doesn't reek of movie director saliva. Poor Bear Pattinson-Stewart wishes his parents stayed split.

Here's KStew at Charles de Gaulle Airport in Paris today looking like a teenage hustler who uses his shirt as a pizza napkin and cum rag. KStew is in Paris to join the other miserable hungry-faced fashion people at the Balenciaga show tomorrow.

Each little piggy can now go VOM VOM VOM all the way home. - stinky

Runners-up:

Not even walking pneumonia would want a pair of these. - Mani6

Birth control that comes in all shapes and sizes! - Half Empty

Meanwhile, in an alternate universe, Jessica Simpson still has a singing career, and Britney Spears is a successful shoe designer. - prommom

via Poorly Dressed

UPDATE: NOOOOO! Thanks to Raquel for letting me know the original story about my new favorite thing in life came form a website that is the Spanish equivalent of The Onion. I am suing EVERYONE for screwing with my no-no's emotions. It still stands as today's HSOTD for that picture alone. Someone still needs to make this happen. Pimp Mama Kris, you know what to do.

Sperm-flavored chocolate from the Spanish chocolate company Chocolates Valor! You finally know what it's like to go down on Willy Wonka.

Kim Kartrashian makes millions of dollars from doing as much work as a discarded tampon applicator lying in the gutter does, is famous for no reason at all and yet she hasn't completely felt like all of her dreams have come true until the moment Chocolates Valor announced that they are serving up a huge load of chocojizz trickling out of a giant chocolate dick. Chocolates Valor, take all of Kim's money, drop your entire stock at her loading dock (yes, that's a euphemism) and leave her alone with her new true love forever. We've finally found Kim's kryptonite!

Chocolates Valor, who is known for turning chocolate into sex tools for sluts, announced in a press release that they are the first ever major chocolate company in the world to make the first chocolate that tastes like the Axe Chocolate Man's used cum rag. No word if they're cumming out with a pineapple-infused chocolate cum flavor next. Here's their press release from NTN24 as translated from Spanish by Google:

"Chocolates Valor, combining tradition and modernity, has stepped forward to be the first major chocolate brand in the world who decides to combine the intense flavor of our premium quality chocolates with the subtlety and creaminess of the best semen."

The best semen?! Did they hold a taste test at the Scientology bath house to ask the experts what the best-tasting jizz is? Speaking of, when Kelly Preston walks into the private massage room off of John Travolta's bedroom and finds him ass up with chocolate streaks all over his butt cheeks, she now knows what happened. His Scientolohole went on a chococum binge.

And I put Chocolates Valor official NSFWish press photo after the cut, because it's only polite to warn you whores that you might not be able to resist the urge to plant your tongue on your screen for the rest of the day. GO!

Serena Williams (31)
Christina Milian (31)
Jake Paltrow (37)
Sheri Moon Zombie (42)
James Caviezel (44)
Ben Shenkman (44)
Jillian Barberie (46)
Cindy Herron (47)
Nicki French (48)
Melissa Sue Anderson (50)
Tracey Thorn (50)
Linda Hamilton (56)
Olivia Newton-John (64)
Mary Beth Hurt (66)
Bryan Ferry (67)
Anne Robinson (68)
Jerry Weintraub (75)
Winnie Mandela (76)
Donna Douglas (79)
Philip Bosco (82)

There are two things Lil' Wayne hates the most. Lil' Wayne hates his arch nemesis Gizmo and he hates stupid ass questions lawyers put in his ears. The Gremlin of Louisiana is suing Quincy Jones' son Quincy Delightt Jones III (that name just made my ass lips pucker out pineapple juice) over a documentary about him. Lil' Wayne was all about the documentary for a while, but took several steps away from it after he felt it focused too much on the escandalosoness in his life. Lil' Wayne now hates the documentary and wants all of his music removed from it. So he threw a lawsuit at Young Quincy and during the deposition, he acted like he would rather be brushing his teeth than answering questions and that's saying a lot.

TMZ got a hold of the deposition tapes of Quincy's lawyer Pete Ross started asking a bunch of basic questions that could've been answered just by checking Lil' Wayne's Wiki page. Wayne answered almost every question with the smart side of his ass. Here's a piece of the not-give-a-fuck hilariousness Wayne threw at Pete Ross while sitting in front of a judge:

Pete Ross: (After playing a clip of Wayne's interview with Katie Couric) "Is that an interview that you actually gave with Katie Couric?"

Wayne: "Is that an interview I actually gave with Katie Couric? What's your name again?"

Pete Ross: (laughs) "That's not the question."

Wayne: (to his lawyer): "What's his name?"

Wayne's lawyer: "Pete Ross."

Wayne: "Pete Ross, that's a stupid ass question. You just saw me on there giving an interview with her."

It gets better and you should really watch the whole thing, because this mess is entertainment. Wayne keeps rolling his eyes, puts his head on the table and continues to not give three shits about the questions coming his way. At the end of the clip, Wayne kind of threatens Pete Ross by tipping his head toward the judge while saying, "He can't save you out there." When Pete Ross asks what does he mean by that, Wayne just says, "I was talking to myself."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! THIS BITCH is trolling.

If I ever have a 13-year-old brat ass kid and that 13-year-old brat ass kid actually sits down to dinner and I asked him how his day was, the conversation would look a lot like this. Wayne is a stupid bag of douches and I would say I l-o-v-youknowtherest him for it, but if I said that, I'd probably find myself knocked up with his baby. You know how fertile his gremlin ass is.

It all started when The Daily Mail, The Sun and then everybody else posted pictures of Lady GaGa with some extra chunk on her body and proving that a fupa is a stoner badge of honor. GaGa told Elvis Duran that she pressed pause on working out, stuffed pasta in her eating hole, gained 25 pounds and if she had one fuck to give about it, she'd slather that fuck in alfredo sauce and eat that too. I thought that was that, but GaGa kept tweeting about it, including tweeting a fake Marilyn Monroe quote, and today she went on her website to tell her Little Monsters that she's battled bulimia and anorexia since she was 15 years old. GaGa also put up some pictures of herself in a two piece and I don't know if we're supposed to say "OMG YOU'RE NOT FAT YOU LOOK PERFECT" or we're supposed to think she looks chunkier. I don't know, it's CaCa. Let's just call it art, put it in a museum and move on.

GaGa is also starting a movement called Body Revolution and wants her Little Monsters to love their bodies. Here's a piece of what she wrote:

Today I join the BODY REVOLUTION.
To Inspire Bravery.
and BREED some m$therf*cking COMPASSION

My mother and I created the BORN THIS WAY FOUNDATION for one reason: "to inspire bravery." This profile is an extension of that dream. Be brave and celebrate with us your "perceived flaws," as society tells us. May we make our flaws famous, and thus redefine the heinous.

The only thing I have to say is that GaGa stole Amy Winehouse's wig, stole the signature pose I make in all the pictures I send to possible Craigslist tricks and she's stealing Demi Lovato's disorders! Seriously though, I guess this means that the Little Monsters will stop making fat jokes about Adele...but probably not.