At The Daily Mail, they have a picture of a malnourished Chris Brown making his way to court and I know this post should be about how he obviously beat up a low-level insurance agent from the 1970s to get that wrinkly suit, but I'm too busy shaking my head at RiRi walking behind him with a look in her eye that says, "Get my good side, bitch."
Chris Brown and his lawyer Mark Geragos were in a Los Angeles court room today to answer to the D.A.'s accusation that he faked most of his community service hours and should have his probation revoked. Not much happened in court today, the judge said he needed to look over the prosecutor's evidence, told Chris Brown to meet with his probation officer within the next two days and then a hearing date was set for early April. But RiRi's ass showed up with Chris Brown and put on a show in the court room...
Hollywood Life says they walked into the court room together and when RiRi sat with his mom, she blew him a kiss. Then after the hearing was over, they walked out of the court room arm-in-arm and she looked like she was trying to cheer him up. Chris Brown is on probation for beating RiRi's face and there she was blowing him kisses of love.
RiRi and Chris Brown really are going all out with the stunts this time. I'm surprised they didn't show up to court with their wedding clothes on and asked the judge to marry them since he's changed, they're in love and the judge is a judge. If you're going to pull a STUNT QUEEN move, really pull a STUNT QUEEN move.
And after court, Chris Brown's lawyer held a press conference where he said that the D.A. is "torturing" The Difficult Brown and he wants the judge to hold them all in contempt for spreading lies by saying that Chris made up his community service hours.
I don't even know what to say to that mess, but I will say that I can't believe it took me this long to ask: What in scalped horse hell is that on RiRi's head?
I know you're probably wondering why I would put a picture of America's sweet tart Mama June (on the left) next to a picture of Anna Nicole Smith in 1994. But believe it or not, that's not a 1994 Anna Nicole Smith on the right, that's the OTHER southern bombshell who makes grown men squirt buttermilk from their nipples. It's the honey to my boo boo Mama June!
My favorite Georgia peach tells TMZ that in 2 years she's lost a total of 102 pounds, or approximately 11 and a half Glitzies. Mama June says that when they started filming the important American documentary Here Comes Honey Boo Boo back in 2011, the number 365 would look back at her when she stepped on the scale. But now she weighs 263 pounds. Mama June didn't lose two Olsens from cutting back on sketti sauce or stepping onto a treadmill, she lost the weight from just running around. Mama June said, "I haven't done any surgeries ... no diet pills ... never went to the gym. but with the show I've been more active. They have me running around and going different places ... I guess it's paying off."
Who cares that the Post Office isn't delivering on Saturdays anymore! I don't really give a shit that my favorite anti-gay crazy bitch Megan Phelps has quit the pot of boiling hell known as the Westboro Baptist Church! The real American news today is that Mama June is slimming down and getting bikini ready for summer.
If the chunk keeps dripping off of Mama June's beautimous body the same way drool drips out of Honey Boo Boo Chile's mouth when she thinks of canned cranberries, she'll eventually lose her super stack of Pringles chin. I will miss Mama June's Buche de Noel chin, but at least she'll still have her Forklift Foot. Wait, when you lose weight, do your feet get skinnier? Because if they do, what are the gnats going to feed on?!
Above is Jennifer Love Hewitt popping the Vajazzle gems off of her crotch while singing "I'm A Woman" in a promo for the new season of The Client List. Below is singer Miguel putting an imaginary condom on his imaginary 12" dick before hitting an imaginary trick from the back in front of a bunch of people who are probably wondering what in "mime act gone wrong" hell are they watching.
If you only had to watch one, let me help you by asking you a question. Would you rather watch Jennifer Love Hewitt try to retrain herself from tackling one of the back-up dancers and forcing him to propose to her or would you rather watch Miguel prove that some bottoms just shouldn't try to top.
I say go with Miguel, but you know it is missing something. I am really disappointed that Miguel didn't pull out his imaginary foot long, rip the imaginary condom off and then fap out an imaginary cum shot on the imaginary ass cheeks of his imaginary trick. Bitch needs to commit or keep his imaginary dick in his pants.
The Orange County version of Dan is doing it with the Upper East Side version of Summer. I guess Adam Brody and Leighton Meester want to keep it in The CW family - Lainey Gossip
Natalie Portman drives a huge ass Mercedes hybrid, but shouldn't she be driving a bike made out of recycled wood and flowers? - Hollywood Tuna
Like Kim Kardashian suffers from stress. It was just her baby trying to claw out of her stomach and run for dear life - Celebitchy
Chris Pratt is playing Star-Lord in the Guardians of the Galaxy movie and I'm not completely fluent in nerd, but I'm pretty sure that's a big deal (?) - The Superficial
Why aren't David Beckham's panties white? H&M missed a fapportunity - Towleroad
VS. Magazine took a picture of Kate Bosworth at the exact moment she realized she's not sexing on ASkars anymore - Drunken Stepfather
Charlize Theron is sort of fighting the hot with that fauxhawk, but her hotness is still winning - Popoholic
Russell Brand doesn't know if John Mayer is a bigger slut whore than him - ICYDK
Brandi Glanville continues to be a shameless fame whore by leaking a private picture of LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian's first time together - The Berry
BREAKING NEWS: Pimp Mama Kris is crazy - IDLYITW
Fergie is looking a little preggolicious - I'm Not Obsessed
I knew you were trouble when you walked into the library - Videogum
Nothing will hug your heart like a video of Babe in a wheelchair - OMG Blog
Why is Ginnifer Goodwin dressed like school boy from Whoville? - Just Jared
Mann Coulter is flirting with Obama again - Jezebel
Norwood Young's hair is laid like a bouquet of dandelions on my grave - Crunk + Disorderly
KISS! KISS! KISS HIS FEET! KISS ANYTHING! - Popsugar
Bitch lost that bet on purpose - Celebslam
Simon Lebon looks like he's about to tie you to the train tracks and cackle as you meet your demise, but I still would - Cityrag
Richard Simmons got himself a beard - SOW
Let's all pour a thimble full of the sweet nectar out for the iron, because its days as a Monopoly piece are over. I can finally say, "I want to the PUSSAY!" before playing a game of Monopoly, because after a fan vote on Facebook, the cat was voted in and the iron was voted out.
HuffPo says that the cat beat the robot, the helicopter, the guitar and the diamond ring. The shoe and the wheelbarrow were almost voted out, but in the end the iron got kicked out and is now living behind a dumpster on Mediterranean Avenue. The shoe, the thimble, the top hat, the racecar, the Scottie dog the battleship and the wheelbarrow will stay on as pieces.
NOT THE IRON! When you're drunk, stoned and your fingers have become gummi worms, the iron was the Monopoly piece to go with because it had a little handle. That little handle came in handy when you were fucked up. But whatever, of course the cat wins. The cat always wins. The only way the cat wouldn't have won is if it was up against a (useable) bong piece and a dildo piece. And yes, that was a hint to Hasbro. Dump the shoe and give me a dildo!
When a tabloid has a story that they know will fill your brain fissures with barf and cause your genitals to shrivel into a wrinkly mound of shivering sadness, they should at least have some human decency and release that story on a Friday so you have the entire weekend to recuperate. But Life & Style hates all of our asses, because they didn't do that. Today, they put out a cover story about how Justin Bieber cheated on Selena Gomez with RiRi. Did I really need the image of a baby beaver trying to mount a stallion with a Ronald McDonald weave? Did I need that today?!
Some source says that Selena recently found out that during the early days of her relationship with Justin Bieber, he cheated on her by wet humping on RiRi. Selena and Justin became the Portia and Ellen of the kindergarten set in 2010, and in 2011 he allegedly bumped nipples with RiRi. The source said, “It really cut like a knife because it happened in February of 2011, when Selena and Justin had been dating for months and were falling in love. It’s caused Selena to question their entire relationship. Selena thinks maybe they’ve been hooking up all along."
In February of 2011, the Lesbeaver was 16 and RiRi had just turned 23.
The source also says that during the taping for the Victoria's Secret show, the Biebs and RiRi constantly went to a nearby hotel together and their security blocked anyone and everyone from going on their floor.
Biebs' rep denies all of this to Gossip Cop.
I refuse to believe any of this. It's hilarious, it's terrifying and it's physically impossible. Like RiRi would really mess with Justin Bieber and like Justin Bieber could really handle RiRi. RiRi is just too much for the Biebs and she's probably rode dicks bigger than him. How can he go from humping a stuffed animal on his bottom bunk to taking on RiRi? RiRi's pussy would swallow him whole, chew on him a bit and spit him out. Justin would be wandering the streets while mumbling to himself, "The things I've seen, man, the things I've seen."
And the barnyard version of Brangelina vs. Jennifer Aniston lives on. For the past couple of weeks, Brandi Glanville has been out on the ho stroll selling her book hard by releasing excerpts about how she de-Cibrianized her vagina, was willingly raped by Eddie Cibrian the night they first met and nearly barfed up her internal organs when LeAnn Rimes lured her husband away with tits made of cake. And now a week before her book comes out, there's a story in UsWeekly about how Brandi is constantly crying over how she's the victim of Eddie's nomad dick when she didn't exactly keep her legs closed to other dudes during their marriage. Well, at least we won't see staged bikini pictures of LeAnn for a little bit, because she's been busy with other things like leaking stories to UsWeekly. Unless, LeAnn let the paparazzi take pictures of her leaking these stories to UsWeekly while wearing a bikini. Yeah, she probably did that.
A source says that throughout her 8 year marriage to Eddie Cibrian, Brandi passed her poon to several dudes several times and 5 weeks after she birthed out their son Jake, she did a dude in her bedroom. But Brandi went on Twitter this morning and denied it WHILE dropping the release date of her new book.
Grasping at straws? Cut to LeAnn Rimes with a guilty look on her face as her mouth grasps a piece of straw in her stall.
Can't we just assume that Brandi and Eddie were both sluttin' before, during and after their marriage. Let's assume that Eddie stuck his nomad dick in random chicks before, during, after his marriage to Brandi and let's also assume that Eddie is sticking his nomad dick in random chicks while he's married to LeAnn Rimes. And Brandi was probably dropping her twat on random dicks before, during and after her marriage to. Eddie is always fucking and Brandi is always fucking. They're both just fucking everyone! Everyone is getting laid! Well, everyone except LeAnn Rimes. While Eddie and Brandi are screwing everybody, LeAnn is chewing on her bed of straw while tweeting her horoscope for the day.
Apparently, The Difficult Brown deleted his Instagram page right after Jesus' lawyer sent him a cease and desist for using his shitty art to compare himself to God and St. Bea Arthur's child (Jesus is Bea Arthur's biological child and you can't tell me otherwise). But MTV News says Chris Brown has another account on Instagram that's private and he used it to cry butt tears of woe over the latest mound of shit that he created and stepped in. Chris Brown once again threw himself on the cross and bitch and moaned about he's sick of people throwing hate at him. It really is hard out for there for an entitled rage monster who thinks that he's above the law (see also: Lindsay Lohan).
Chris Brown is right. Why can't everyone just leave Chris Brown alooooone, because it's obvious that he's a changed man who has totally taken responsibility for being an asshole and shows this every day through his actions. You know when Chris Brown murdered a mirror with a chair at Good Morning America? That was a changed man! You know when Chris Brown got into a parking lot brawl with Frank Ocean instead of walking away to avoid trouble? That was a changed man! You know how Chris Brown made up all those community service hours because he thinks he's above the law? That's a changed man!
Chris Brown isn't Jesus. That's unfair to say, because Chris Brown has it worse than Jesus! Jesus was just nailed to a cross and left to bleed and starve to death. Chris Brown has to deal with bitches on Twitter and the media constantly calling him out for being an unchanged asshole. That's worse! Churches everywhere should swipe out their statues of Jesus on the cross for statues of Chris Brown crying in front of a laptop at all the mean comments, because that's real suffering.
And please, like anything is going to happen to Chris in court today. It's California! But maybe he should change his last name to "Lohan" to make sure.
UPDATE: Chris Brown denies this rant came from him and says it came from a fake Instagram account. I should've known it wasn't him when he said he wasn't Jesus.
I don't know what kind of mind-altering substances they're snorting, smoking, injecting or buttchugging at ESPN the Magazine, but they were definitely on something when they came up with this random mess of an idea. The first sign in knowing if an ESPN the Magazine editor is on the wrong shit is when they recreate famous album covers with athletes for their "music issue." We should test them for fuckery-enhancing drugs and I'm going to need Oprah to interview them in the suite of a Comfort Inn.
ESPN the Magazine is putting out a magazine issue, because once again DRUGS, and they got Ryan Lochte for Nirvana's Nevermind cover, Josh Freeman for Michael Jackson's Thriller cover, Allyson Felix for Beyonce's Dangerously In Love cover, Alex Morgan for Katy Perry's One of the Boys cover and Trent Richardson, LaMarr Woodley, and Marshawn Lynch for Run DMC's Ultimate Run DMC cover.
To promote the issue, ESPN gave USA Today some lines Ryan Lochte said during his shoot and now I know why my mom always warned me about the dangers of snorting massive amounts of chlorine through your nose.
- "The cover is definitely global, brah."
- "If you look at the baby, he's definitely happy in the water. And that's what I am."
- "He's chasing after a dollar bill. So he's always on the grind."
- "Trying to perfect the perfect the shot in the water was kinda easy for me. Just because I spend about four hours a day, every day of my life, in the water."
- "Usually when I go swimming, I have goggles on. So when I didn't have my goggles on for this shoot my eyes were definitely burning."
- [Blinks five times in two seconds] "Am I blinking a lot, cause I feel like it."
- "Hopefully everyone's reaction when they see it, they'll be like, daang, look at that guy. I honestly think I nailed the shot."
I feel like I should be wearing an Affliction tank top and bumping to dubstep while holding a can of Monster when I read those priceless quotes. Whenever brilliant words of wisdom dribble out of Ryan Lochte's mouth, it feels like I just snorted an entire 32oz Icee. It's worse than brain freeze.
But that shit aside, it wasn't not funny that Ryan Lochte's Nevermind recreation is historically inaccurate and wrong! The baby didn't wear Speedos, so why is Ryan? Maybe Ryan is bigger than that baby and he didn't want the baby to feel bad about it. Yeah, that's probably not it.
When celebrities get accused of crimes, they can sometimes make the plaintiffs go away by having their high-priced lawyers wear them down, by threatening them with counter suits, or by paying them off.
This time, however, it seemed that the usual legal maneuverings and threats weren’t working for this famous actor. It looked like the plaintiff was actually going to have his day in court. It looked like the disgusting, private, sordid details of the actor’s bad behavior would be laid out for the whole world to see! Everyone would be talking about it…
Oh, come on. Are you kidding? You know that there was no way on heaven or earth that was going to happen! Guess who just made a huge payoff to the victim to drop everything? That’s right. Money talked and everybody walked. Or sailed. Or flew. The price of freedom? $1.75 million. (Blind Gossip)
John Travolta and that cruise ship employee whose peen he tried to rent for $12,000? Exhibit: A
$1.75 million is a lot of money, but is it enough money to pay for the hundreds of hours of therapy the cruise ship employee will need to deal with John Travolta's hungry and itchy anus haunting his nightmares every night?
No one should be surprised that this reality star and her husband are splitting. Why not? Because there was nothing real about their marriage in the first place! He needed a beard, and she needed someone with a lot of money to support her.
It worked out fine for the first few years. She pretended to be a devoted wife, and he lived across the street with his boyfriend. However, as more family lies and tensions about sexuality and business and crime and money and loyalty piled on over the years, sustaining the non-relationship became impossible. Interestingly enough, her siblings are being more supportive of him in the split. So much for family! (Blind Gossip)
Dina and Tommy Manzo from The Real Housewives of New Jersey? I've heard the rumors that Tommy Manzo likes to lick alfredo sauce off man sausage, but I never really paid attention to them. But then I just Googled "Tommy Manzo gay" and the first picture that came up was a picture of Dina giving him excited sex eyes and him clinging to wood for dear life.
This esteemed, over-40 American film actor was playing a game of tennis with a friend when they noticed a couple of young men doing the same on the next court over. The four men wound up playing doubles together, and the actor suggested that they all get together for dinner.
The actor took them to a very fancy restaurant that night and they all enjoyed dining on fine food and drinking great wine and talking about sports and women.
The next day, the actor called up one of the young men and asked if he would like to get together for dinner again. The man agreed, and although the other two couldn’t make it, they had another wonderful night out at another nice restaurant, with the two of them drinking and the actor regaling him with stories about his life in show business. This happened several days in a row.
The actor then began texting the man several times a day… until one of the man’s friends clued him in that he actor was gay, and that he saw their dinner dates as actual “date dates”.
The naïve young man had no idea the actor was gay. He just thought that he had just become pals with a famous actor! So when the actor texted him – as usual – the next day, the young man mentioned that he was really glad that they had become friends and that he enjoyed his company, but that he just wanted to make sure that the actor knew that he was straight and that he had a girlfriend.
The actor replied, “I don’t know where you got the idea from that I ever wanted anything more! I’m totally straight and I just want to be your friend!” But after that, the man never heard from the actor again, and the actor never replied to his texts again.
Yes, the actor is still in the closet. (Blind Gossip)
Kevin Spacey STILL keeps a pied-à-terre in the closet?!
This C list celebrity lasted two dates with this A list television and movie actress who has spent most of the last decade in television on some very popular shows. They had sex after the second date and the actress told the celebrity what the names of her breasts were and that he should refer to them by their individual names. She also spent 20 minutes asking him which one he liked better. She got genuinely upset when he could not remember the name of one of them. He said he was so distracted by her talking about them and other topics that it was the strangest sex he has ever had and not something he ever wanted to repeat. (CDAN)
Chuy from Chelsea Lately and Jennifer Love Hewitt? Or David Gandy and Betty White? Yeah, it's probably the latter.