I know that all of you missed BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the Super Bowl), because you were high on acid and scratching at the TV as it played the Kitty Halftime Show on a loop, so here's the full video of Blue Ivy Carter's mother giving us the greatest drag show on earth. Beyonce sang! Beyonce popped her ass! Beyonce left cuts on the faces of the hos in the front row when she whipped them repeatedly with her weave! If you have a 3D TV, then you are probably in the emergency room right now, because Beyonce's bulging ass eyeballs knocked you in the face and put stars over your head.
My favorite part was when Michelle Williams and Kelly "When Did This Bitch Get So Hot?" Rowland literally popped up from the basement for a minute before Beyonce sent them back to the unemployment office. Michelle was my favorite, because she served up some Verdine White glamour for days.
And where was Basement Baby?! My guess is that she was in Beyonce's dressing room and was the one who knocked the power out when she plugged a flat iron into a plug to straighten out Beyonce's after-party wig. Poor BB, she can't even flat iron a wig right!
While looking as naturally as exquisite as always, Lil' Kim stepped out in West Hollywood on Friday night with the help of two man hands. Lil' Kim is as delicate as a terracotta pot so she needs the help of two strong dudes to make sure she doesn't take the wrong step, tumble to the ground and break into a million pieces. It'll take a lot of man hours and a lot of Super Glue to put her back together.
If you took the face of a ceramic Lucky Cat, pasted it on a Nicki Minaj Real Doll, filled it with the essence of Snooki and then sprayed it all down with the same lead-based paint that La Toya Jackson sprays herself down with, you'd get Lil' Kim. Absolutely stunning. She looks more like a cat than most cats do. Don't you just want to throw a ball of yarn at her?
Frank Ocean just ruined the party. Here I was ready to put on my cone party hat and throw the confetti as The Difficult Brown was dragged off to a jail cell in cuffs. But cancel the DJ, make your grandma a plate and roll up the dance floor, because the party has been canceled now that Frank Ocean is trying to be the bigger man by not pressing charges against Chris Brown. Boo you whore!
Right after Chris Brown and Frank Ocean got into a parking lot brawl, Frank was supposedly thinking about throwing charges at Fist Brown for punching him in the face. No charges will be thrown at Chris. Yesterday, Frank got all poetic when he said in a note on his site that he's going to forgive Chris Brown and move on without pressing charges, because he's a modern person and an artist and a sanity chooser.
AS A CHILD I THOUGHT IF SOMEONE JUMPED ME IT WOULD RESULT IN ME MURDERING OR MUTILATING A MAN. BUT AS A MAN I AM NOT A KILLER. I’M AN ARTIST AND A MODERN PERSON. I’LL CHOOSE SANITY. NO CRIMINAL CHARGES. NO CIVIL LAWSUIT. FORGIVENESS, ALBEIT DIFFICULT, IS WISDOM. PEACE, ALBEIT TRITE, IS WHAT I WANT IN MY SHORT LIFE. PEACE.
Meanwhile, Frank's producer Michael Uzowur wrote in a blog post on Formspring (via TMZ) that he thinks the whole thing was a set up. Frank showed up to the studio and found Chris Brown's Lamborghini parked in a space that was clearly marked with the name FRANK. When Chris Brown came out with his entourage, Frank told him to move his car. That's when a big dude in Chris' entourage fisted one of Frank's friends Chito in the face for no reason. As the big dude continued to bruise up Chito, Chris and Chris' friend pushed Frank into a glass candle display and tried to beat all the oceans out of his ass. Michael thinks that Chris planned it from the beginning.
Fighting over a parking spot and then breaking a glass candle display? Some fight! This mess sounds like a fight between your abuelita and my abuelita in front of a Hallmark store. (SPOILER ALERT: My abuelita wins by pulling your abuelita's dentures out.)
I don't know what's worse: Frank Ocean not kicking Chris Brown into a cell or Frank Ocean pressing the Kanye key on his laptop before typing the bad news to us. I can't look at you, Frank Ocean!
For some hos, turning in their V-card was an awkward and uncomfortable experience and if they could take a Magic Eraser to the part of their brain that holds that memory, they would. But Shirley Maclaine's daughter Sachi Parker might have all of us beat. When you get your cherry plucked, the last thing in the world you want to do is talk about it with your mom and two grown ass strangers. You just want to wash your fuck parts out in the sink with hand soap and then eat a Yodel while writing about your first time in your Lisa Frank journal.
Shirley and Sachi's relationship has always been on and off and they're not exactly the closest. Sachi says that Shirley shipped her off to live with her dad in Japan when she was just 2 and barely made an appearance in her life. Then when Sachi was 17, Shirley suddenly wanted to get closer and by "closer" I mean "let me sit in the next room while your cherry gets popped" kind of close. In Sachi's new memoirs, Lucky Me: My Life With – And Without – My Mom, she writes that when she was 17, Shirley invited her and her then boyfriend Brad to California. When Sachi and Brad got to Shirley's house, Shirley introduced them to her friends, Phyllis and Eberhard Kronhausen, who were sex therapists. You know where this is going and no, I don't like it either. I'll let the Daily Mail take the crazy hippie fuckery from here:
Sachi says Phyllis told her mother: ‘It would be a fabulous opportunity for Sachi, to have her first introduction to sex with all of us here as a support group. We could talk about it afterwards and validate her feelings.’
As Sachi flushed with embarrassment, she says her mother declared: ‘I think it’s a wonderful idea. We’re all here to help you, sweetheart.’
Now 56, Sachi says that helpless to oppose the three ‘powerful’ adults, she ‘felt like Mia Farrow surrounded by the satanists in Rosemary’s Baby’ and they watched as she and Brad left for the bedroom.
She writes: ‘Once our mission was accomplished, we had to face the next hurdle: reporting back. We hid out in the bedroom until we heard a light knock on the door, and Mom’s voice, “Is everything OK in there?’’ ’
Shirley's agent said that he hasn't read the book, but that whole scene doesn't sound like her.
I bet that halfway through, Shirley knocked on the door and was like, "Are you kids okay? Can I get you anything? Some milk and cookies, some lube or maybe a nice warm cum rag? I hope you're not doing your homework in there. You better be fucking!" If I was Sachi, I would've just faked orgasm noises and come out and said that I came 10 times, he barebacked me in the butt, Dirty Sanchez'd me a few times, hog tied me, whipped me and broke my ass bone in 6 places. I love it all. The end.
I swear, Hollywood hippie bitches are so weird! Parents aren't supposed to tell their kids to fuck while they wait in the next room. They're supposed to pretend that they don't know that their kid is boning their piece in the bedroom closet while biting on a pillow to muffle the sounds. That's what normal parents do! These bitches...
The horse who can play "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star" on the recorder with its nose!
Last week, I talked about how my advanced music teacher in elementary school told me that I couldn't blow my nose, let alone play the clarinet. Well, here's a hot, musically gifted bitch who can play a wind instrument and blow its nose at the same time. My advanced music teacher would call this horse the ultimate musician (and nose blower) of our time!
Seriously, why isn't this recorder-playing horse performing at the Super Bowl Half-Time Show instead of Beyonce? This is what real LIVE talent is all about.
Anyway, Happy Super Smoke A Bowl Sunday! Does anybody know which team the Quarterback Princess is on, because that's the team I'm cheering for.
via Laughing Squid
Rebel Wilson (27)
Tallulah Belle Willis (19)
Sean Kingston (23)
Daddy Yankee (36)
Isla Fisher (37)
Elisa Donovan (42)
Warwick Davis (43)
Maura Tierney (48)
Linda Eder (52)
Thomas Calabro (54)
Lee Ranaldo (56)
Nathan Lane (57)
Lee Ranaldo (57)
Morgan Fairchild (63)
Brenda Dickson (64)
Blythe Danner (70)
If you're impressed with this, you should see his reverse cowgirl (right, Ushrrr?). While giving us the thug lite version of Mary Stuart Masterson in Bad Girls, Justin Bieber went horseback riding with his friends in North Hollywood, CA yesterday afternoon. Doesn't it seem like it was just yesterday when he was riding a plastic horsey in front of a supermarket ("That's because he was doing that yesterday." - you) and here he is riding an actual big boy horse. They must put growing serum in sizzurp! Because....
TMZ says that there's new pictures making the rounds of The Lesbeaver smoking a joint and in some of those pictures there's a large bottle of codeine and a double cup of Lil Wayne's beverage of choice sizzurp (codeine, sodie pop and a Jolly Rancher) on the table. Bieber's sipping from the double cup in one of the pictures. A source type tells TMZ that Bieber doesn't ever get high on sizzurp, so there must've been something else in that double cup. But the other pictures do show the Biebs clearly sucking on the good shit. The source says that many people close to Biebs think that his friends, Lil Twist and Lil Za, are tainting his innocence and leading him into the hood rat stuff way of life.
Sizzurp, really? Justin Bieber probably overdoses and passes out when he sucks on a Hall's for too long, so I can only imagine what he's like when he takes a sip of sizzurp. A drunk toddler is not the look. I bet those motherfuckers don't even give him any sizzurp. They just give him a double cup of grape Fanta with a drop of baby Tylenol in it. He takes one sip and is like, "DAYUM, this shit is strong! I'm already fucked up!" Like they're really going to waste sizzurp on his lightweight ass.
And we have Vanilla Ice to blame for this, because this is Vanilla Ice all over again. Damn you, Vanilla Ice, for selling franchises of your life to Canada!
Here's more of the Biebs making faces like a first time bottom taking a nine incher while horseback riding yesterday.
Here's American legend Punxsutawney Phil making the same face I made the other day at Starbucks when the lady in front of me told her friend that she drinks so much Starbucks that her poops smell like coffee. If you told me you were going to Gobbler's Knob to watch a grown man pull a hairy thing out of a hole, I'd tell you that I've never heard of that glory hole before and I'd grab my favorite knee pads while begging you to take me with you. Gobbler's Knob sounds like a street name in Gold Base, but it's actually Punxsutawney Phil's homeland!
The NYDN says that thousands jammed themselves in Gobbler's Knob early this morning to see if they can put their heating pad thong in storage early. Phil came out of his hole and didn't see his shadow, which means that spring is coming early! But you know, I wouldn't put my heating pad thong away just yet, because look at Phil's face. Phil might be phucking with you. Never trust a side eye-throwing groundhog. Or maybe Phil is throwing a side eye, because he's so over us weird ass humans and our weird ass traditions.
Happy Early Spring, everyone! And to those of us in Southern California, Florida and Hawaii, Happy Same As Always!
At least one ex child star has annoy the shit out of NYC at all times, and since Lindsay Lohan is in L.A. right now, it's up to Amanda Bynes and she got the job done. Amanda Bynes moved out of her Manhattan apartment yesterday, because the building management sent her a GTFO note after getting complaints from her neighbors that she was filling the place up with weed smoke. Instead of investing in a vaporizer, Amanda picked up her bong and moved to a place that appreciates the sweet scent of the good shit.
TMZ says the letter from management said that her lease would be ripped up and stuck in her bong at the end of this month, because it's a non-smoking building. Neighbors kept bitching about the weed smoke coming from her apartment all day and all night. Amanda was also known for toking up in the hallways. Amanda could've tried to fight management's decision, but she decided to move out instead.
1. How is Amanda getting money for weed and a last-minute moving truck? Never underestimate the royalties for The Amanda Show and All That.
2. Why didn't Amanda just do what every stoner college student (or me at my mom's house) does when they don't want weed haters to smell their pot smoke? Just blow the smoke into a toilet paper roll stuffed with Downy Dryer sheets. That's stoner 101! They teach that in preschool.
3. If I lived in Amanda's building, I wouldn't complain about the weed smoke, because I'd be too busy sucking the clouds of the good shit wafting out from the crack under her door.
(pic via Instagram)
Big Treasure (the groom in the crooked tie) and Little Treasure (the groom in bride drag who is killing it by wearing half of a banana clip as a tiara)!
Big Treasure and Little Treasure became internet famous this week after they posted pictures from their gay wedding on Weibo, China's answer to Twitter. Queerty says that one of them is a retired history teacher and the other one is a water delivery man and they met when the water delivery man delivered water to the retired history teacher. That's pretty much how the plot to my favorite gay porn starts. Hong Kong's Big Love alliance inspired them to declare their love for each other in front of everyone. So Big Treasure slapped on a crooked tie and Little Treasure threw some strapless bridal elegance on his body and they got married with a bunch of other gay couples even though China isn't down with same-sex marriage yet. The Treasures were hoping that one of their sons would show up to their special day, but that piece of ungrateful brat trash didn't!
“It’s disappointing that outsiders can bless us but not our own son. The heartless child is sabotaging our happiness.”
Screw that heartless child! It's his loss for depriving himself of experiencing this adorable ceremony of love. And it's his loss for depriving himself the experience of seeing Little Treasure show Kim Kardashian how a tiara headband is really worn. And where are the pictures of Big Treasure pulling Little Treasure's garter belt off with his teeth? I bet their friend in the grey polka dot shirt is the one who caught it.