I know, asking "Would I rather hump on Gerard Butler or Mel Gibson?" is like asking "Would I rather end up at the top of the CDC's Most Wanted list or would I rather have my genitals banned by Jewish people, black people, gay people, women people, hispanic people, jacuzzis, etc....?"
So apparently, Mel Gibson and Gerard Butler are friends and together they terrorized Miami over the weekend. These pictures have got me craving an IV drip full of Gatorade and menudo, because they look like two hungover and hairy nutsacks in sunglasses. They're like two rejected members of The Pussy Posse. But you know, Gerard is a genius for hanging out with Mel Gibson. Because next to Mad Mel, Gerard looks like a fresh piece of fresh ass and you completely forget that his crotch probably smells like a Limburger cheese and tonsil stones sandwich and you don't even care that when he unzips his pants, an unidentified wart mysteriously grows on your genitals. Who cares! Give me Gerard! Give me a mysterious kind of STD! But don't give me Mel Gibson!
Besides, call me vanilla, but when a sweaty piece is grunting over my back, I really don't want to hear him moaning about how Jews are evil. I also don't want a piece to threaten to burn my house down if I don't tickle his huevos. Oh, and don't call Mel's ballsack "huevos" or he'll demand to see your papers and call INS on you. That's a total orgasm killer.
And why do I not have a giant finger for an arm? With a finger arm, you're always giving a bitch the finger.
Almost two weeks after Shakira's truthful hips birthed out her and Gerard Pique's son Milan, they have released the first picture of their baby friend on UNICEF's website and are asking their fans to drop a donation into UNICEF's donation cup. Shah-keeeeeeeee-dah and Gerard attached a note to the picture and that note read:
"We hope that, in his name, other less privileged children in the world can have their basic needs covered through gifts and donations. Thank you for sharing this unforgettable moment with us."
Okay, is Gerard Pique a giant or did Shakira give birth to Thumbelino? Because it sorts of look like Gerard is trying to snort Milan's head and it looks like he can do it.
And damn at Gerard's finger. Dude isn't only hung in the crotch, he's hung in the fingers too.
While shoving a pizza and nachos taco (a piece of pizza folded over a mound of nachos) into my eating hole during the Super Bowl yesterday, what I really needed to see was a chonies commercial starring a male model with -25% body fat and abs like a turtle shell. Nothing makes you feel good about the bloated gut hanging over your eatin' pants like a dude who has been in a gym since birf!
Because most of watch the Super Bowl for the sea of bulges, Calvin Klein gave us man nipples and oiled up thighs in their commercial for their Concept Underwear line. More commercials like this, Super Bowl commercial makers! Because after I watch 6'7", 300lb pound dudes stick their faces in each other's butts, I really want to see a half-nekkid and greased up Matthew Terry flexing all ten million muscles in his body. More of this!
And it's a good thing that pizza taco grease doubles as lube.
Somewhere in between Taco Bell's commercial titled "Madonna at the Club" and GoDaddy's ad, which put the Bar in BARF, a 60-second commercial for the Church of Scientology aired in a bunch of cities including NYC and L.A. The Scientology bath house will have to cut costs by switching from barley-scented Wet lube to generic lube, because Radar says running their shitty commercial during the Super Bowl cost them around $8 million.
As a bunch of stock footage of young people played, a voice over spewed out these stupid words that really mean nothing:
“To the curious, the inquisitive, the seekers of knowledge. To the ones who just want to know about life, about the universe, about yourself. Not cute questions, big questions, one’s that matter. To the rebels, the artists, the free thinkers and the innovators who care less about labels and more about truth. Who believe non-conformity's more than a bumper sticker. That knowledge is more than words on a page. You're young, you're old, you're powerful beyond measure and the fuel of that power is not magic or mysticism, but knowledge. The things you see, the things you feel, the things you know to be true. Sure, some will doubt you. Let them. Dare to think for yourself, to look for yourself, to make up your own mind. Because in the eternal debate for answers, the one thing that's true is what's true for you."
That part about "cute questions" was totally shade directed at Tommy Girl, because you know he's raised his hand during meetings and asked, "Does my bubble butt bottom look cute in these Bugle Boy jeans?"
And THIS is how those crazies are trying to recruit new members to brainwash? This is more like an ad for library membership or for pot brownies. If they really wanted to recruit new bitches, their commercial should've been nothing but shots of John Travolta and Tommy Girl dancing topless to a disco remix of the Close Encounters theme song as the bath house boys sucked the Thetans off of each other's dicks in the background. The tagline should've been:
Scientology: Does Your Church Have A Glory Hole In It?*
* ignore the question if you're Catholic
Right after Beyonce used the Super Bowl to let us peons know through code that the Illuminati will soon take over and our souls will be trapped in her lace front forever (that's what that triangle sign was, right?), Team Beyonce (aka Basement Baby and a dusty DOS machine) released a ridiculous 60 second commercial for her world tour, which starts on April 15th (Happy American Tax Day!) in Belgrade and closes on August 3rd (Happy National Mustard Day!) at Barclays in Brooklyn.
In the commercial, Beyonce does the same morning ritual that Kanye West does every single day. Kanye's gays-in-waiting dress him in the finest royal regalia and silver leaf his anus before escorting him to an empty room where he just strikes cunt queen pose after cunt queen pose.
Why did Beyonce have to name her tour the "Mrs. Carter Show"? That name does things to me. It gets me excited, because it has me thinking that Lynda Carter has finally made dreams come true by putting together a show where she just spins on stage in her Wonder Woman costume for 90 minutes. How many people do you think are going to show up to Beyonce's show and demand their money back when Lynda Carter does not come on stage in her Wonder Woman costume? MILLIONS! And "The Mrs. Carter Show" also sounds like the name of a drag show starring Aaron Carter.
And here's who should be Beyonce's understudy on the Mrs. Carter Show World Tour:
Bitch lip-synchs better than Beyonce does.
These His & Her's - Weight Reduction Body Suits can be yours for only $19.95 plus a %@#^ load of shipping charges.
(note: side effects may include higher blood pressure, headaches & dizziness, change of hair color, increased head size, Zombie like drooling, impotence, spitting blood, loss of consciousness & eye balls popping out. Do not fart while wearing suit or operate any heavy machinery. To be safe, any machinery. - Homeless J
The Real Housewives of Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. - PeggyOlson
This month's Snooki and JWOWW centerfold is Playboy's lowest selling issue to date. - iwouldmarrymichaelk
America was sad to see how badly Pebbles from "The Flinstones" and Sally from "Davy and Goliath" had aged on Cartoon Network's "Celebrity Rehab". - turnelbup
via Poorly Dressed
John Maucere, the ASL performance artist who stole the show from Alicia Keys and Jennifer Hudson at last night's Super Bowl!
You've never truly seen pictures of amber waves of grain and purple mountain majesties until you've seen them painted by the magical and wondrous arms of John Maucere. While Alicia Keys sang the National Anthem and Jennifer Hudson sang American The Beautiful with the Sandy Hook Elementary School Choir, John brought the lyrics to life and them some. John looked like he was standing on a crystal mountain top and shooting rainbows from his hands as diamond-encrusted unicorns twirled in the sky and pink dolphins did flips in an ocean full of liquid bubbles. When John interpreted the lyric "above the fruited plain," my fruited plain started tingling.
And speaking of amber waves of grain, I'm pretty sure that's the name of John's glorious spray tan shade of choice. This clip of John in action doesn't really do him justice, but his ivory fence teeth and his luscious Eddie Munster hair will still take you to places you've never been before.
Alice Cooper (65)
Carly Patterson (25)
Bug Hall (28)
Shandi Sullivan (30)
Kimberly Wyatt (31)
Gavin DeGraw (36)
Natalie Imbruglia (38)
Oscar De La Hoya (40)
Rob Corddry (42)
Gabrielle Anwar (43)
Clint Black (51)
Dan Quayle (66)
George A. Romero (73)
Jerry Adler (84)
I know that all of you missed BEYONCE: THE CONCERT (featuring the Super Bowl), because you were high on acid and scratching at the TV as it played the Kitty Halftime Show on a loop, so here's the full video of Blue Ivy Carter's mother giving us the greatest drag show on earth. Beyonce sang! Beyonce popped her ass! Beyonce left cuts on the faces of the hos in the front row when she whipped them repeatedly with her weave! If you have a 3D TV, then you are probably in the emergency room right now, because Beyonce's bulging ass eyeballs knocked you in the face and put stars over your head.
My favorite part was when Michelle Williams and Kelly "When Did This Bitch Get So Hot?" Rowland literally popped up from the basement for a minute before Beyonce sent them back to the unemployment office. Michelle was my favorite, because she served up some Verdine White glamour for days.
And where was Basement Baby?! My guess is that she was in Beyonce's dressing room and was the one who knocked the power out when she plugged a flat iron into a plug to straighten out Beyonce's after-party wig. Poor BB, she can't even flat iron a wig right!
While looking as naturally as exquisite as always, Lil' Kim stepped out in West Hollywood on Friday night with the help of two man hands. Lil' Kim is as delicate as a terracotta pot so she needs the help of two strong dudes to make sure she doesn't take the wrong step, tumble to the ground and break into a million pieces. It'll take a lot of man hours and a lot of Super Glue to put her back together.
If you took the face of a ceramic Lucky Cat, pasted it on a Nicki Minaj Real Doll, filled it with the essence of Snooki and then sprayed it all down with the same lead-based paint that La Toya Jackson sprays herself down with, you'd get Lil' Kim. Absolutely stunning. She looks more like a cat than most cats do. Don't you just want to throw a ball of yarn at her?