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I knew there was a good reason for why Chace Crawford's face always looks like heaven's rays are shining upon it while the whispers of angels pass through his golden locks. Okay, I never thought that, but I do now.

The Empress of Lucite tells Star Magazine that she used her exquisite lucite heel to pluck out Chace's plump cherry! Shauna was Mrs. Robinson to Chace's Ben Braddock.

According to Shauna, the two met at a college party in 2003 when Chace was just 18 and she was 32. Shauna said, "He was so incredibly beautiful — I immediately fell in love with him!" Chace melted into Shauna's arms and the two began a secret love affair which lasted for a year. Shauna even gave Chace a key to her lucite palace.

One of Chace's friends added, "Chace told me, 'Shauna was the first girl I ever had sex with! She blew my mind, and I'll never forget it!'"

Eventually, Shauna realized that her mission was complete and she fluttered off to continue to spread her beauty to the rest of the world. Chace went on to star in Gossip Girl and the rest is history.

And now Ed Westwick completely understands why Chace always wants him to wear a pair of lucite heels around the house.

Tommy Girl knows how to handle a big loaded gun - Just Jared

Who would you rather titty fuck? - Hollywood Tuna

Isn't Miley Cyrus aware that she's now known as "Noah Cyrus' sister"? - Lainey Gossip

When is Elisabeth Hasselcrack going to "smarten up" and get her lips stapled? - Towleroad

We've already seen Tila Tequila's titties, tampon string and most of her internal organs, so we might as well see her sucking dick (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Kim Kardassian should dip the rest of her body in powder so it matches her face - Egotastic!

The truth is Zac Efron wept because they wouldn't cast him as Tinkerbell - Hollywood Rag

A picture from the inside of RPattz's magical forest hair - Cityrag

Ryan Phillipe's nipples are out - Popsugar

Lindsay Lohan, now's your chance! - Celebitchy

Now this is a party - SOW

Hopefully, the producers clear the Big Brother house of all radiators - Holy Moly!

Ear fungus - Socialite Life

RiRi and her Christmas gift bow shoes - ICYDK

Mimi is still as humble as ever - I'm Not Obsessed

If these pictures have been Photoshopped or doused with fakery, don't fart on my buzz by telling me.

After the jump is a touching, thrilling and heroic story of a mother squirrel defending her baby friend from an asshole of a dog! The pictures speak for themselves, but it helps if you play the Jaws theme in the beginning, the Indiana Jones theme in the middle and The Color Purple theme at the end. JUMP!

Before we start, is that bulge all Glamberace or did Paula Abdul misplace her stash again? Discuss during the break. So....

Glamberace's concert on ABC's Good Morning America has been canceled, because they are afraid he's going to deliver an encore of his AMAs dry humping orgy. Mickey Mouse needs to get his head shoved into a warm crotch for that one. ABC issued this statement:

"We hate gay stuff in the morning. Well, except for you, Sam Champion."

No, this is their statement:

“Given his controversial American Music Awards performance, we were concerned about airing a similar concert so early in the morning.”

It's not like Glamberace is going to piss on Diane Sawyer's head or ass queef into Sam Champion's face (Sam wishes). Why are whores even flaring their nostrils over NOTHING. This just confirms that the government needs to start handing out vibrators to everyone. Bitches need to loosen up, because it really isn't that serious. However, ff they banned him because of his screeching, that would be a different story....

Patricia Heaton is on an ABC show and her face is way more offensive than ten million shots of Glamberace getting a fake blow job.

Kinko's will be busier than Lil' Wayne's sperm fishes in the next few weeks, because Twihards and Twimoms (UGH) will be getting all their copies of Taylor Lautner's Rolling Stone cover laminated to protect it from...um...stuff.

IN THIS ECONOMY, Rolling Stone should be maximizing their profits by selling this cover in panties and dildo form. I mean, we already know what those horny Twihards are going to do with this magazine, so Rolling Stone would be saving them from suffering a dozen unfortunate paper cuts.

And if this makes you uncomfortable, just focus on the giant brown peen head growing out of the back of his head. I'm hot helping.

via The Frisky

In 2006, a tape featuring Kid Pebble and Scott Stopp (on purpose typo) getting their used tampons sucked by a bunch of skanky groupies made the internet rounds. In a new interview with Spin Magazine (via HuffPo), the Christian banger says that he did not have sex in the biblical sense on tape. You know, because it isn't considered "sex," unless it's in the missionary position, on your marital bed, with all the lights off and at least one of you are crying out of shame.

Scott told the magazine, "Well, there's no sex on the sex tape. For it to get characterized that way, I mean, that kind of sucks." I'll say it sucks.

Do we really need someone to sit Scott down, hold his hand and tell him how this "sex" thing works? Scott is probably one of those fucktards who thinks that sticking the tip in and twerking the dick just a little doesn't count as an intimate act. The bible says that when all else fails, just scream, "IT WAS JUST THE TIP!"

Scott Stump (another OPT) went on to fart that getting a dick job next to Kid Rock made things a little awkward between them, "What sucks about that is Bob -- Kid Rock -- and I were friends. He'd been over to my house and we jammed and hung out. We were in Tampa playing with Metallica, and I walked into his trailer and there were some strippers. It's a time in his life and a time in my life that we'd like to put behind us and not publicize because we have children now, and they're in school, and their friends read. I know he was pretty pissed off at me when that came out. We haven't sat down face-to-face. I did apologize to him that I didn't just burn that thing. I thought that was a skeleton in the closet that would never find the light of day."

But have they sat down face-to-ass? That was a trick question.

And in case you haven't seen this, here's the trailer for that never-released video of Scott and Kid Pebble not having sex with a bunch of strippers in a bus: