When peen-headed Vin Diesel cried about how Hollywood is harder on men than women when it comes to body image, I said some shit about how Hollywood is the land of unrealistic everything and most Hollywood movies are not real life. Here's another example to throw on that pile.
The red band (aka NSFWish) trailer for We're the Millers came out yesterday and it had a couple of scenes of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a club and another scene of Jennifer Aniston stripping in a barn (Side note: "Strippers in a barn" is basically the theme for Trace Cyrus' future bachelor party). I get why Jennifer Aniston wanted to play a stripper. When she's not crocheting boleros for her Beanie Babies, she's doing tequila shots off of Chelsea Handler's leather-covered stomach and when she's not doing that, she's working out (or getting lunchtime lipo). So, since she works that hard on her body, she figures that she might as well show her ass off. I get it. But my neighbor's 12-year-old, obese cat whose got a field of dingles on her butt would make a more believable stripper than Jennifer Aniston does.
But I do appreciate the tribute to TLC in the trailer....
...and the tribute to Cisco Adler's nutsack.
This is what you get when you use Kickstarter to fund a reboot of "Passion of the Christ." - Stock Broker
Jesus: the college years - Sweetas
Pat Robinson had to come out of the closet when these pictures of his boy toy leaving his home emerged. - misstia
Desperate for attention and tired of waiting up nights for her lover to slither between her black satin sheets, Jenny Shimizu has resorted to stealing items from St. Angie's backyard. - H321
via Kotaku (Thanks, Benjamin)
The stunningly luscious cascade of deep fried polyester curls and the clip-on bangs that Mary Murphy wore on her head on Tuesday night's episode of So You Think You Can Dance!
Millions of people nearly overdosed on beauty and glamour on Tuesday night when the shaved Capybara on caffeine pills that is Mary Murphy hit the screens. Mary looked like an electrocuted Cocker Spaniel getting attacked by a mob of guinea pigs. You're doing beauty right when you've got 31 colors of hair on your head and five different hairstyles.
The top of Mary Murphy's head looks like the fake hair section at Sally's Beauty supply. You can go shopping for fake hair on Mary's head. If you want straight clip-on bangs, Mary's head has it! If you want dehydrated spiral curl weave tracks, Mary's head has it and it has it in several colors.
The Hot Tamale Train has crashed into a truck full of corkscrew pasta and lasagna noodles and Mary Murphy has never looked hotter because of it.
via Mercury News (For Patrick)
Joan Collins (80)
Heidi Range (30)
Lane Garrison (33)
Kelly Monaco (37)
Ken Jennings (39)
Eric Nies (42)
Guinevere Turner (45)
Tom Tykwer (48)
Karen Duffy (52)
Lea DeLaria (55)
Drew Carey (55)
Linda Thompson (63)
Charles Kimbrough (77)
And since all of us should be spending this very special day watching Dynasty clips on YouTube while wearing our finest fur (a throw faux fur throw from Pier 1 will do) and diamonds (balls of aluminum glued to your fingers will do), here's one to get us started.
In Star Trek: Into Darkness, there's a scene where Alice Eve is in her bra and chonies for basically no reason (correction: she's in her bra and chonies to give the fanboys and fanlezzies something to fap to) and J.J. Abrams got a little hate for it. So on Conan tonight, J.J. explained himself a bit and then he showed a deleted scene of Benadryl Cumsinbatches in the shower.
Thousands of Cumberbitches are going to call in sick, because it's kind of hard to go to work when your ovary eggs keep exploding out of your vagine. I know, he's supposed to look all evil in that shower, but to me, he looks like he's either concentrating really hard while sexing himself or he's drunk and trying to pee. We've all been there.
America's Soon-To-Be Busiest Plaintiff Is Going To Sue InTouch For Faking Pictures Of Her So-Called Drug Den
And after what felt like weeks of silence, Amanda is awake and is spreading the foolery once again.
Two of InTouch Weekly's photographers somehow got invited to a party at Amanda Bynes' Manhattan apartment and while there, they took pictures of her SHOCKING and DISTURBING drug den. Jezebel scanned the pictures and I posted them below, but if you're expecting to see the floors covered with bloody needles, mountains of coke, the body parts of hitchhikers, broken light bulbs, the carcasses of strung out rats, an overdosed Pete Doherty, empty morning after pill containers, Twilight DVDs (crackheads LOVE watching Twilight) and pieces of burnt foil, you're going to be disappointed. Because Amanda Bynes' so-called drug den is a sad excuse for a drug den. My apartment looks more like a drug den than hers does (the leather sofa, empty bags of Hot Fries and apple cinnamon-scented Glade candle gives me away).
Photographer Giovanni Arnold says that Amanda was obviously floating through another world, because she was mentally out of it. All she did was smoke weed, put on her make-up in the bathroom mirror, dance and smoke some more. Giovanni says that the inside of her apartment looked like the inside of Snoop Dogg's head, because there was weed everywhere. Weed on the bed, weed on the floor, weed on the ceiling, weed on the walls, etc.... But before you go thinking that Amanda Bynes lives in a weed wonderland, Giovanni says she has "bad weed." All that Nickelodeon money and she's still buying some shit that's worse than ditch weed? How dreadful.
Giovanni said that she barely has any furniture and two windows in her living room are spray painted black. So basically, her living room looks like my childhood bedroom when I was going through a goth phase for a second. Giovanni also saw Amanda snorting coke, but she later denied it to InTouch.
Amanda also denies that's her apartment, body and busted toes. Amanda raged on Twitter tonight and threatened to sue InTouch for committing apartment fraud. Amanda says that they Photoshopped everything.
That's not my bed! Those aren't my toes! My toes are pedicured! I just did an exclusive interview with intouch last week, now they bought fake altered photos by that ugly black man in the photo or someone who knows him! They used an old shot of me on the cover with a bad angle of my old nose before I had surgery to reshape my profile and to remove the webbing from my eyes. I have to sue because that's not my apartment, those aren't my clothes! They morphed photos of my face onto someone's body to ruin my life! I have to make a big deal of this and sue because that's not me! I care about my appearance so I have to defend myself! I look like a different person now that I had surgery! Why did they put an old shot of me on the cover? I don't look like that anymore! I only want photos of my gorgeous new nose on the cover of tabloids and real magazines! The photos in this issue are fake and mocked up! I don't care enough to keep talking about it. Just assume that I fucked the boyfriend of the editor of intouch because they fucking hate me!
This ugly faced woman @JessicaFinnNYC is the one who bought fake photos of me & put that picture that looks nothing like me on the cover!
I really hope that some high school drama student acts out that tweet during class, because that monologue of insanity needs to be performed on a stage.
If I was Amanda Bynes, I'd fix my eyebrow situation immediately. After I did that, I'd also sue InTouch for publishing a picture of me with a jacked up joint in my mouth. They're calling out Amanda's joint-rolling skills now. It's serious.
I know that what you really needed today was a video of come-to-life subway seat stain Ke$hit pissing into a cut off plastic water bottle before drinking it. On last night's Ke$ha: My Crazy Life, a co-production between the CDC and MTV, Ke$hit's friend tells her that drinking your own pee pee is supposed to be good for you, so she decides to do it.
You know, I call SHE-NAN-AH-GANS! I contacted someone at the CDC (no, I didn't) and they told me (no, they didn't) that Ke$ha's pee is the color of battery acid, smoke wafts off of it and when she pees, you can hear the high-pitched screeches from her crotch crabs as they get burned alive. That's not her piss. That's obviously Crystal Light lemonade. You so not edgy, Ke$hit.
Detectives with the Las Vegas Metro Police Department are investigating a claim from a woman who says that former baseball player turned Twitter rambler Jose Canseco raped her on May 10th. Before it even made TMZ or any other site, Jose got a huge case of Twitterrhea and started shitting out all sorts of tweets against his accuser. Jose tweeted her name, phone number, work address and a picture of her to his 512,000 followers. Jose also tweeted crap like, "Wow thats funny i raped u then y did u have ur clothing off as soon as we left the club in my car," before deleting most of his tweets. Jose left a few tweets up and he quoted Jack Nicholson and Madonna in two of them:
Wow now people r threatening me not to tell the truth.whats the matter u cant handle the truth
Truth or dare. I dare u to take a polygragh on national tv.i will take one
Everything I learned about law I learned from Judge Judy, the court room scenes in Dynasty and Ally McBeal (in other words, the only thing I know about law is to wear a hot outfit to court and work on a catchphrase that you can spit out while testifying), but I'm pretty sure it's probably not a good idea to encourage a bunch of people to harass the woman accusing you of raping her. That's not a good move. But then again, this is Jose Canseco we're talking about. Roids not only shrank his nuts, but they shrank his brain too.... and whatever sense of fashion he had. Case in point: that shirt.
While watching Jennifer Aniston's skit for Ellen with Matthew Perry and Courteney Cox, I kept thinking to myself that this needs a laugh track and rich people have really weird front door areas - Lainey Gossip
Things that make Katie Holmes wet, and no, it's not the thought of being free from Tommy Girl - Drunken Stepfather
The Silver Fox would NEVER! - The Superficial
This is the view Eva Mendes sees right before she tosses your boyfriend's salad - Towleroad
Every time Lourdes Leon comes back from one of her supervised dates, she should make Madge's veins pop by blasting "Like A Virgin" in her room - Celebitchy
Petra Nemcova's newly bleached weave looks a little parched - Hollywood Tuna
The wonderful effects of weed: 30-year-old dude dances next to his 20-year-old self to the Dixie Chicks' cover of "Landslide" and I'm assuming that a bong was involved - The Berry
Anne Hathaway's hair is started to veer into Tabatha Coffey territory - Popoholic
EXTRAVAGANZA ALERT: Every ensemble that RuPaul has worn down the runway on RuPual's Drag Race - OMG Blog
Basement Baby sneaks out of the house wearing the clothes she made out of grandmas 1970 wallpaper - Just Jared
Ewan McGregor on the set of his new movie Skinny Jeans & Pomade: The Justin Theroux Story - Popsugar
Lara Lieto takes the Afghan Hound prince for a walk - I'm Not Obsessed
Sharon Stone's nalgas look like a peach dipped in blue paint - IDLYITW
I'm still trying to figure out how's there's a part 6 to The Fast and the Furious - Moe Jackson
"Why couldn't Jesse James have been working on his motorcycle with his peen?" asked Kat Von D - HuffPo
I really thought this was Albita for a second - Reality Tea
The "Don't Be A Slut" dress code goes against EVERYTHING I believe in - Jezebel
Vintage Heidi Klum - SOW
In case you needed to be reminding about how damn rich Ellen DeGeneres is - ICYDK
It's the most wonderful and joyous time of year again when we all look at half-naked Naval Academy freshmen dudes (and a couple of girls) climb over each other's half-naked bodies while making their way up a Crisco'd up monument.
When John Travolta tells the Scientology doctors that he feels like greased-up Thetans are crawling all over his crotch, this is what they see after they put his peen under a Thetan-seeing microscope. But seriously, Scientologists do believe in shape-shifting, so if monument is wearing a lace front wig next year, we'll all know that John Travolta learned a new skill.