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While I pulled some Freaky Friday shit and took over Kathy Griffin's body to try to give a faux beej to The Silver Fox, this photoboming dude in the middle of Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian acted on behalf of humanity by throwing a "Are you there God? It's me, the face of humanity. For why did you allow this to happen?!" look of desperation at 1OAK's New Year's Eve party in Las Vegas on Monday night. Meanwhile, Kim is cackling up at the heavens, because she knows that in a few months she's going to butt birth out the chosen spawn of Lucifer and there's nothing God can do about it. I hope God gets the last laugh when Kim gives birth to a drooling cave baby that looks just like Kris Humphries.

While looking like thirty pounds of rotten smoked gouda wrapped in one of Cher's old costumes, Kim continued her reign as Pimp Mama Kris' most prized pig by hosting 1OAK's New Year's Eve party for a check. Kanye also showed up to the party, because he wanted to flash his smuggest smug face since his gay sperm fish has been where literally a billion different kinds of sperm fishes have been before (read: her baby making areas) and has done what none of them were able to do (read: knocked her up). Kim told UsWeekly at 1OAK's party that so far she hasn't had a case of the barfs at all:

"I have felt good. I haven't had any morning sickness, but it still isn't the easiest. People always say it's easy and fun. It's definitely an adjustment learning about your body and stuff like that. I've been feeling really good so that's good."

Kim might not be heaving up gallons of barf, but I'm pretty sure all of humanity is. Yes, this is how it ends. Civilization will drown in its own ocean of barf after reading every single detail about the Kimye baby. Or after seeing this picture of PMK in her freakum dress.

And if you want to infuse your barfs with a sprinkling of HAHAHAs, just read all about how Kim isn't planning on whoring out her baby. Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born is...well...like Kim Kardashian not planning to whore out her first born.

The Llama that goes to the Dentist!

Whoever is responsible for this Sesame St segment must have been tripping their balls off! Why the fuck does this girl have a llama in NYC? Why does she bring him to the dentist? Was his appointment before or after Sarah Jessica Parker's? It'd be easier to decipher the meaning of life than try to figure out what the hell is going on here, but when I was a kid this made me want to move to NYC. If bitches were insane enough to bring farm animals to the dentist, I knew it was the place to be. Given that I saw some bitch walking a rabbit the other day, I was right!

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It's a Happy New Year for Hugh Hefner. No, the medical community didn't introduce a colostomy bag that doubles as a Viagra injector. Crystal Harris' trick ass stayed around for their wedding last night! Hef, 86, and his engagement ring-collectin' ladyslave, 26, tied the knot in a small ceremony at the Playboy Mansion right before Playboy's annual NYE party. It doubled as their wedding reception, according to TMZ.

Can you blame Hef for going for the twofer on parties? The last time he put a ring on this fickle ho's finger, she took it, jumped the wall and told everyone how truly disgusting it was having sex with a flaccid mummy on a Hoverround. And then she pawned that ring! Cold-blooded.

He must really need a titslicious bedpan attendant to work the midnight to 6 shift be in love to take her back and buy her another bauble. Either that or he has her family imprisoned in the secret dungeon under that grotto. Whatever works, Hef.

These pics are from Crystal's Twitter and Instagram. Check out the one from the ceremony. Hef has an equally ancient friend standing up for him. It's very Brothers Grimm, with the wizened warlocks and terrified-beyond-reason village slut being forced into marriage.

My New Year's Eve was pretty dreary. I'm under the weather, so my beloved and I spent the evening on the couch, listlessly staring at the television and eating Christmas candy. That was until we happened upon Kathy Griffin trying to get a rise (literally) out of the Silver Fox by crouching down to blow him. A lot. If those two hadn't been amusing the world last night, I would have gone to bed early.

I can only imagine that Kathy's CNN NYE contract must look like this:

"The undersigned will do anything and everything within her power to disrupt the broadcast enough that co-host Anderson Cooper will be unable to stop giggling uncontrollably while having to protect his genitals from Kathy's ravenous mouth."

It was a non-stop party for those two last night. Kathy mentioned Kim K.'s vagina, shit on Honey Boo-Boo, shit on Taylor Swift, shit repeatedly on Ryan Seacrest, tried to make it rain on the crowd with a wad of cash causing Anderson to have to physically restrain her, and accused Anderson of having pet names for his cock and balls (including "his Christmas presents" and "his taffy"). And the coup de grace was, after watching a broadcast from Maine in which the townsfolk kiss a giant fish after it gets dropped at midnight, Kathy deciding she wanted to kiss Anderson's personal giant fish. Bitch kept stooping to conquer his crotch with her maw! Anderson would then have to crouch down to prevent her. Then he had to use a clipboard to stop her progress. She was undeterred, however. Up and down, up and down, they went. Anderson was less terrified when that mob was punching him in the head in Egypt.

And all I could picture was Michael K. hurling his bottle of bottom shelf vodka at the bar television and screaming about how he was going to kill that "dicknosed firecrotch bitch" and demanding his family take him to the airport so he could fly to NYC and defend Mah Boo's groin. A groin meant only for him! Or at least that's what he told the police psychiatrist after the last arrest.

Check out the video of Kathy Griffin's relentless blowjob efforts below.

Just ignore the title of the video. This isn't a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN FAIL, this is a FUNNY DRUNK ASIAN WIN. (The real drunk half-Asian fail was me passing out at 12:02am in a saliva puddle on the sofa pillow while watching House Hunters after getting drunk on just one and a half glasses of champagne. Frying my gutter water-soaked brain under the sun all day turned me into a lightweight. At least that's what I'm telling myself.)

This video is two years old (approximately, 196 in Internet years), but it's making the rounds now and it's the perfect way to start the New Year right (read: drunk). At a Green Day show in Irvine two years ago, a pre-rehabbed Billy Joe Armstrong pulled an Asian sensation on stage and the dude dropped a fuck bomb and did the Horatio Cane before stage doing a lukewarm stage dive.

Psy wishes he could party like this. Gangnam Style, what?

via VVV

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