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Allen Fawcett - The host of one of my favorite game shows of the 80s, Puttin' On The Hits. I wanted to be on that shit so bad when I was little. I even rehearsed my own routine to Papa Don't Preach. It was not hot. Below is a clip of Allen introducing some chicks lip-synching to The Jets. Why can't it be the 80s again?

For Chastity

Dolly Parton (63)
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Coral Smith (30)
Drea de Matteo (37)
Shawn Wayans (40)
Antoine Fuqua (43)
Paul Rodriguez (54)
Cindy Sherman (55)
Katey Segal (55)
Desi Arnaz, Jr. (56)
Paula Deen (62)
Shelley Fabares (65)
Michael Crawford (67)
Tippi Hedren (79)
Jean Stapleton (86)

We all wore some busted shit when we were Miley Cyrus' age, but you know this whole entire outfit is worth more than what I would sell for on the whore market. Actually, that's not saying much since I think I've already been appraised for a couple of hundred pesos, a lame goat and an elderly monkey with a farting problem. Anyway, this outfit right here put the ug in fug.

I feel like we should all quit our jobs, move to Hollywood and open up a store where we sell torn up shit for like $200 each. Miley totally bought these crackwhore tights already torn up. Think about it. We can go and buy a bunch of L'Eggs, spend 3-minutes tearing that shit up and then sell them for a couple of hundred dollars. We can even say they came from an authentic crackwhore. Those dumb celebskanks will buy it up because they love spending millions of dollars to look like homeless hookers.

Miley doesn't even know who Iron Maiden is. The bitch probably thinks it's something you buy at Wal-Mart to make grilled cheeses. And even Brit Brit wouldn't be caught flashing her shaved possum pie in those boots.

P.S. - Paging Chris Hansen! Paging Chris Hansen! Your assistant is needed in thumbnail #1.

District Judge Esther Cunningham - This shit is from last week, but I totally forgot about it until she came to me in a dream last night. True fact. Our slut Esther is a district judge over in Britain. Well, Esther appeared as her cousin's solicitor in a dangerous dog case. Before she went before the court, Esther decided to have a little brandy. Homegirl had a little too much because bitch got drrrrrruuunk! And Esther's a grouchy drunk, because while in court she told an usher to "fuck off." She also called one of the prosecutors a "fuckwit," refused to sit down and finally kissed a different prosecutor in front of everyone. A guard finally escorted her ass out.

Esther might be a fucking genius because her excuse was that she suffers from an illness that makes her breath smell like booze. Yes, that illness is called being a drunk, you crazy bitch! But seriously that's a good line and will probably come in handy for one of us.

Esther also found herself in more trouble when she taught a law class while boozed up. She finally agreed to get some help for her mysterious illness that makes her breath smell like alcohol.

Jonathan Davis (38)
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Kristy Lee Cocksucker (25)
Samantha Mumba (26)
Joanna Newsom (27)
Estelle (29)
DJ Quik (39)
Jesse L. Martin (40)
Jane Horrocks (45)
Kevin Costner (54)
Phillipe Starck (60)
Takeshia Kitano (62)

You know, Slash is basically telling me to "fuck off" by wearing his cell phone on his waist band. The middle finger is not necessary. Seriously, why is Slash doing this to me?! He is killing me with that shit. This is worse than Axl Rose's fuckery. Rock whores should not be doing this shit. Put that mess in your pocket or in your ass cheeks. Or something! Just not on the waistband! That said, I'd still hit it. But only from the back, because I couldn't look at that shit on his waistband. And you know Slash is the type to not even pull his pants down. He just stick his peen through the fly hole. He's a romantic.

Anyway, here's Slash and his family arriving in Utah today for that Sundance shit. Talk about him or anything else you want. There's no topic. Get drunk and rant away!

The Sun sent one of their reporters over to the Island of Crackie aka St. Lucia in the Caribbean to spend a little time with Amy Wino. What was supposed to be just a one-week holiday has turned into a two-month rampage. The reporter learned that even though Blaaaaake wants to drop the big D (divorce not death) on Wino, she's not hearing that mess. Well, it's hard for her to hear anything with all those crackiewax balls in her ears.

Wino said, “I still love my Blake. I won’t let him divorce me. He’s still in jail but the moment he comes out I’ll be there waiting for him. I love him because he’s just like me. Blake is the male version of me. We’re perfect for each other. I don’t want to go back home to England. I want to wait for Blake here.”

Truth talk time. England evicted her. They put all her crackie little shit in a tugboat floating in the English Channel. They also changed all their numbers, so she can't text them begging to be let back into their lives.

And Blaaake being Wino with a dick is the main problem here. Fuck yourself, but never ever date yourself. The last time I dated someone that was just like me, it ended with me attacking his face with a fork because he put on my favorite jeans and said he looked hotter in them. For the record: they did looker hotter on him and that's why the fork came out.

Wino also talks about how her poon still belongs to Blaaaaake even though she's passing it around the island. The best part of the article is when the bitch from The Sun interviews a couple that Wino tried to get with. They did not want. The dude said, “As soon as we arrived at the resort Amy was all over my girlfriend. She was telling her, ‘You’re gorgeous. I’d love to fuck you. Bring your boyfriend, he can watch’. She was quite clear what she wanted, she was saying, ‘You two can spend the night in my room’. If she had been at all good looking we might have done it. But we just ended up smoking a sneaky joint with her instead.”

They don't know what they're missing. Have they ever seen Wino suck on a crack pipe? Imagine the things she could do with a clitty. She'd have that vagina barfing in record time. Mostly because anything that gets that close to Wino's face gets a case of the voms.

Joaquin Phoenix crawled out from under one of the Abandonded Couch's seat cushions, where he's been living, to host some party at Lavo in Las Vegas last night. They should have changed that club name to Lavado for the night, because that's what Joaquin needs to do. Preferably in a HazMat facility and in a stainless steel tub filled with RID. You know there's some mutant lice-flea-scabie creatures living on his nasty ass. Just looking at him makes my skin itch like there's tiny hobo animals burrowing into my pores.

Those are some dumb bitches who are posing that close to him. I won't feel sorry for them when they wake up with maggots in their cooch or assholes. That's what they get. If I entered a club and Joaquin was there, I would quit that bitch in a second and put in an anonymous tip to the CDC.

Sucking on his peen must be like eating a spoonful of rancid cottage cheese. You'll have to gargle with battery acid to get the taste out.

Anyway, Casey Affleck was also there last night because he's directing a documentary about Joaquin trying to break into the rap game. Yes, a fucking rapper. Sorry, but if I want to watch a drunk ass hobo try to rap, I'll take the damn subway during rush hour.

Yes, this is someone's awesome Patrick Swayze tattoo. I didn't know rainbows could make that shape. But I guess they can whenever Centaur Chippendale's Swayze is around. He's pure magic. I would get that gorgeous tattoo on my ass if the warts didn't get in the way (Free Clinic time!).

This sounds like good news! Patrick Swayze has been freed from the hospital. His rep told People that Patrick put pneumonia in the corner for now. Yeah, everyone keeps finding ways to blend that phrase into Patrick Swayze stories. There's my lame ass contribution. Check and moving on.

Patrick was hospitalized on January 9th with pneumonia. Everyone was biting their finger tips off because Patrick has pancreatic cancer so it didn't look good. Patrick's rep said, "I am happy to announce that Patrick Swayze is home after a brief hospitalization for pneumonia."

The rep didn't say he got over the pneumonia completely, but I'm sending rainbow-covered good thoughts his way. I'm sure Patrick will outlive us all!!!

Memama from Pecker (as played by Jean Schertler) - Full of grace! Full of grace!

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