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And now your loins can exhale, because Levi Johnston's Playgay spread has made its way onto their website. Levi already said that he's not going to drop his Alaskan meat on our foreheads, but he does give us some pubes and full nalgas. Levi's built like a soft-serve cone and his nalgas aren't going to win contests anytime soon, but my no-no isn't going to bitch or moan. It takes what it can get.

I'll stop, so that you can get to the goods already after the jump. By the way, this is not PORN. It's in black and white, so that mean this is high-art. Just tell yourself that while you pinch at your nipples and flick your taint. Also, his Bristol tattoo really adds the touch of elegance this phoot really needed.

UPDATE: Images removed per request, but you can skip on over to Playgirl and drop a few coins to see the nekkidness.

Sandahl Bergman - Broadway star, stuntwoman and more importantly, the glamorous swordstress Valeria in Conan the Barbarian.

Sandahl was mostly doing Broadway stuff before she landed the dreamiest of dream roles - a muse in Xanadu! Most of us would've ejaculated all of our insides at even the thought of being a part of that disco gay butt fuck masterpiece, but Sandahl managed to hold herself together. After she finished creating gay magic, Sandahl went on to make cinematic history by playing Valeria in Conan. She has also been in Red Sonja, Airplane II, All That Jazz and Designing Women. That is everyone's DREAM resume!

And if you still are convinced of Sandahl's innate glamour, I present this to you:

It's a wrap!

(For Dominique)

Bjork (44)
Jena Malone (25)
Ryan Starr (27)
Cherie Johnson (34)
Ken Griffey Jr. (40)
Troy Aikman (43)
Nicollette Sheridan (46)
Cherry Jones (53)
Lorna Luft (57)
Goldie Hawn (64)
Harold Ramis (65)
Juliet Mills (68)
Marlo Thomas (72)

Justin Bieber, the 15-year-old fetus boy with lesbian emo hair who is currently the new Jesus in the eyes of tweens, was scheduled to perform at Roosevelt Field Mall on Long Island today, but it was canceled after thousands of screaming girls went hysterical. They really need to start slipping Valium in school lunches.

Some girls waited over 20 hours, and by this afternoon the crowd had became too much for mall security to handle. TMZ says that shit got real when a dumb fuck employee at Abercrombie Kids shouted to the crowd that Justin was inside their store. That was the code word for the thousands of girls to bust their hymens by trampling all over each other to get inside the store. People were decapitated, the mall was set on fire and now a mob of zombie girls are terrorizing the streets of Long Island. No, but the police were called.

In the end, the event was canceled and someone in Justin's "camp" was arrested for whatever reason. Also, a young girl was taken to the nearest hospital by ambulance after she was injured. Justin took to his Twitter to beg the crazies to go home before anyone else got hurt.

I only have one question: Where in the hell was Officer Dustin and taser gun when we really needed him?!

So what do you do if you are a brand new C list celebutard who in your mind thinks you are A list? Why you go up to women and start hitting on them and generally making an ass of yourself. This is especially evident when you walk up to a C+/B- list television actress from a hit for this network drama who is already known for not being friendly and who responds to the horrible pick up lines by saying, "Who in the f**k are you? Are you 12?" When the celebutard answered her our actress just laughed and turned away and told our celebutard to find someone else. Our celebutard then walked away with his bodyguard in tow. Yes, he really has a bodyguard and it really is funny. (CDAN)

Homegirl was probably waiting for Tank Jones to pull his moves on her, because who can resist that giant ball of hot sex? Anyway, my guess is Levi Johnston and Olivia Wilde?

This female singer has a very unique hair style. She said she came up with the idea on her own. I'm sure she did after the fact. It was necessitated though by the fact she got into a fight with her idiot A list singer/producer boyfriend who took a pair of scissors and cut huge chunks of hair off our female singer's head. (CDAN)

Rhymes with Assy and Pity?

This married/aging actress has put up with a lot throughout her celebrity marriage. She’s practically raised the kids on her own, dealt with scandals and cheating and still managed to put on a happy face on the red carpet. Within this next year, she plans to finally leave her husband and make the divorce public. The current final straw? Not other women or drugs, but an addiction to World of Warcraft. We kid you not. Not Catherine Zeta Jones. (BuzzFoto)

My first thought was SJP and Matthew Broderick, because I can see him getting the butt tingles for the shirtless elves.