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You haven't lived until you've pulled a bright ginger pube out of your mouth and I guess Taylor Swift knows this, because the elven tramp of The Shire is once again spending time with the bushel of Hobbit pubes known as Ed Sheeran. When Taylor broke up with that Kennedy dude and the family let her know that she needs to be gone or they will take her for a nice night time drive off a bridge, she supposedly rebounded with Ed Sheeran. Taylor is apparently back with the real-life Chuckie Finster after his friend Harry Styles dumped her ass.

A source tells The Sun that when Taylor was in London for the Brit Awards, Ed Sheeran spent some time with her in her hotel room and was there until 4 in the morning. Now the guests next to Taylor's hotel room know what all that giggling and moaning was about. It wasn't sex noises, it was just Taylor whining and crying after Ed beat her in a game of Mall Madness. The source said that Taylor really feels like Ed could be the one (aka she can get at least 2 albums worth of songs out of him) and she wants to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him after her tour ends.

"Taylor has always loved Ed to bits. He’s just an adorably sweet guy who makes her laugh and feel really confident. Harry had that irresistible bad boy thing but Taylor has realised she would rather give it a go with a guy who can make her happy on a different level.

Taylor made it clear when they go off on tour she wants Ed to be her boyfriend. He’s thrilled as he has always thought she’s amazing. When they split last year he always hoped they would get back together. They’ve both vowed not to have a nasty break-up no matter what happens.”

I'm torn (insert your butt plug jokes here), because on one hand, Ed Sheeran gives off subtle shades of Rojo Caliente and that means he's way too good for Taylor's ass. On the other hand, this is meant to be, because Taylor look like an elf maiden and he looks like the black sheep of the Hobbits. It's like some kinky Lord of the Rings fanfic come to life.

White Oprah and Lindsay's version of "ass to ass" performed for Arab billionaires. - Doll-Parts

Runners-up:

The girls worried about a possible misprint on the package, but it turned out that the I-Chin wealth coins worked like magic once they got into the yin-yang position. - ABCDEFGHIJulie

Submitted by on Thu, 02/28/2013 - 5:19pm.
Mel Gibson's been working on his coat of arms. If he could only get a flattering photo of his peen, he'd be able to finish it. - turnelbup

via Izismile

On last night's Project Runway, the deeezigners had to create outfits for a bunch of seasoned beauties and one of those seasoned beauties was the best thing that has happened to that show in years: SHERYL! Sheryl was Kate's client and she didn't get much screen time, but when she did she filled my ears with the greatest wisdom ever told.

At the beginning of the challenge, Sheryl and Kate sat down to talk about what kind of outfit Sheryl would look and that's when Linda Evans' beauty icon and my new favorite philosopher delivered this extremely important piece of advice that everyone should follow.

That should be in every fortune cookie. This is everyone's life motto! This is the truth! This is the gospel! Kate said that she laughed at Sheryl's advice and didn't want to tell Sheryl that she's engaged to her high school boyfriend. Dump him! Dump the ring! Be a slut! Sheryl has spoken and she knows the way.

Mark-Paul Gosselaar (39)
Justin Bieber (19)
Ke$ha (26)
Jensen Ackles (35)
Esther Cañadas (36)
Javier Bardem (44)
George Eads (46)
Maurice Benard (50)
Russell Wong (50)
Tim Daly (57)
Catherine Bach (58)
Ron Howard (59)
Alan Thicke (66)
Dirk Benedict (68)
Roger Daltrey (69)
Harry Belafonte (86)

Jennifer Lawrence's face became the new face of Dior recently and in her first ads for Dior purses, they gave her the regular old Photoshop treatment they give everybody. Jennifer Lawrence looks like Jennifer Lawrence if they filled her pores with spackle, sanded her down completely, put several coats of thick primer on her, poured liquid porcelain clay on her, fired her up in a kiln for a few minutes and then let her cool off before covering her in baby powder.

The humanized animatronic teddy bear of Access Hollywood that is Billy Bush showed Jennifer Lawrence her pictures for Dior at the Oscars on Sunday and she let it be known that shit was Photoshopped to infinity and beyond. Jennifer then said that she loves Photoshop so much that she just wants to dry it up, stick in her bong and smoke it after downing a bottle of red wine. Jennifer Lawrence said this:

"That doesn't look like me at all. I love Photoshop more than anything in the world. Of course that's Photoshop. People don't look like that."

That's not what Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say! Who the hell trained her ass? Jennifer Lawrence is supposed to say that they only used a little bit of makeup on her and they shot her in natural light and she pretty much looks like that in person. Mimi is about to slap a bitch, because Jennifer Lawrence is unveiling her secrets!

This is five thousand years old (5 months old to be exact), but I've never seen it before seeing it at Vulture and it feels like an air kiss for the eyes from Bea Arthur. There's been several international versions of the Golden Girls and this one from the Netherlands has a cover of the theme song in its intro. It almost sounds better in Dutch, because I'm pretty sure I heard homegirl sing about a duffel bag.

My guess is that the cotton candy-haired one is Sophia, the one that looks like a slimmer Mrs. Doubtfire is Dorothy, the one with the serious highlights is Rose and the one with the platinum bob is Blanche. And I bet that instead of eating cheesecake in the middle of the night, they eat everything in the cupboards since they're always stoned. It's the Netherlands!

The moment Katie Holmes and her agent spot one of Tommy Girl's spy spaceships and realize that their date is ruined  - Lainey Gossip 

A factual documentary on how The Vatican is choosing the next Pope - Towleroad

Jennifer Aniston needs to come correct. because nothing sounds posher or classier than a last name that sounds like "anal stain" - Celebitchy

I should be spending my time trashing Ashley Tisdale's outfit, but I'm too busy wondering if her tall and lanky piece is hung like a Tommy Lee. I've got priorities! - Hollywood Tuna 

If JWoww had any feeling left in her tits I'd say that it probably hurt when they ripped that duct tape bra off, taking one of her nips with it - Drunken Stepfather

The mini Ryan Seacrest is taller than the actual Ryan Seacrest - The Berry 

Elisabetta Canalis still exists and the paparazzi are still answering the phone when she calls to tell them where she is - Popoholic

Girls Gone Broke - ICYDK

Basement Baby is taking this Diana Ross circa 1976 look all the way - Just Jared

I SO would - OMG Blog

Law & Order continues to provide potent levels of fuckery by killing RiRi Natalie Wood-style - IDLYITW

I had a wet dream that started out like this once - Queerty

Katy Perry is letting a ho be a ho and John Mayer loves her for that - Celebslam

Forget about Jamie Chung, what the hell happened to Jacinda's Hollywood career? - Moe Jackson

You can practically set an extra large sodie pop on Kristen Bell's baby globe - Popsugar

If Lena Dunham herself did this scene, she would've done it completely naked while pissing in the tub. Other than that, nailed it! - Boy Culture

See every single ensemble Olivia Pope has worn on Scandal, because why not? - Vulture

Mia Wasikowhatever looks like a young Helen Mirren - I'm Not Obsessed

I was going to say that Mila Kunis must miss the smell of douche while doing the Oz tour, but then I saw that James Franco is with her so... - Cityrag

(Pic via Splash)

It's my version of the Four Horsemen: Tara Reid, Jedward, and UGGGGHHHHs. RUN!

Looking like David Lynch's surrealist horror remake of Threesome, Tara Reid, Jedward and way too many horrific pairs of Uggs all terrorized (or you can read that as "tarrarized" if you need more servings of puns today) The Grove in L.A. the other day. I never know what to make of their friendship and I don't even want to know they get into when they turn off the lights, turn on the strobe light and pull out the kiddie pool full of Jell-O Jigglers.

I guess this is what Alice, Tweedledum and Tweedledee would look like if the Mad Hatter served meth at his parties.

And now it's time for everyone's favorite topic: PLACENTA EATING! This is the perfect story for me to type about in between taking bites of the cold, medium rare steak leftover from last night's dinner.

Hugh Hefner's former number one ho, Holly Madison, is birthing out a baby daughter any day now and she writes on her blog (via UsWeekly) that she plans to swallow down her womb meat after giving birth. No, Holly isn't having her placenta turned into jerky and she's not planning to use it to make a uterus daiquiri (ingredients: placenta, ice, rum and hummingbird juice). Holly says that she's going to have her placenta turned into pills. Personally, this isn't gross to me at all considering that Holly has swallowed things that were a billion times more disgusting while munching on Hef's butt. Holly wrote this:

This might sound gross, but I’m totally planning on having my placenta turned into pills I can take after giving birth. I heard it helps women recover faster and I want to recover as quickly as I can!

Have any other moms out there done this?

xoxo,
Holly

Holly must've been talking to January Jones, because my new favorite home wrecking legend tells Glamour UK (via DM) that although she regrets telling everybody about eating her own uterus carne, she thinks that every pregnant chick should do it.

"I should never have told anyone about that. But it’s not gross or witchcrafty. Nor am I putting it in a shake or eating it raw. It’s a very civilised thing that can help women with depression or fatigue. I was never depressed or sad or down after the baby was born, so I’d highly suggest it to any pregnant woman."

So if you had the post-baby sads in a bad way after giving birth, it's because you didn't swallow down a box full of Placentaburger Helper. January also went on to say that if taking placenta pills doesn't help with your depression, just follow your baby daddy's wife to the grocery store, find her in the produce section, go up to her and while you're stroking your bald baby's head, say to her, "Isn't he beautiful. He has your husband's eyes, bitch." It'll take you higher every single time.

Here's Holly at some event in Las Vegas the other day and January in Glamour UK.

While Anne Hathaway dresses up her Oscar in a tiny tuxedo to recreate Fred and Ginger's greatest dance scenes on the custom-made stage she had built where her kitchen used to be ("Who needs food, dahling, the thea-tuh is my protein!" - Anne Hathaway), Jennifer Lawrence is getting intimate with my husband, red wine, and my side piece, a joint, in Hawaii.

Jennifer Lawrence is in Hawaii to either reshoot scenes for The Hunger Games: Catching Fire (and taste the local good shit) or she's in Hawaii to just taste the local good shit. While she's doing that, a metal artisan is hollowing out her Oscar and turning it into a bong. This will be the greatest use for an Oscar until Tommy Girl wins one and has it turned into a...you know the rest.