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My dumbass was way too hypnotized by Anna Paquin's black licorice dress that I completely missed these pictures of the distinguished afghan hound Adrien Brody at the Tom Ford party with his girlfriend Lara Lieto. Lara Lieto's the chick who was caught clit fucking Adrien Brody in the butt on a yacht. Lara Lieto really did win the life lottery. One day she's taking Adrien Brody from the back on a luxurious yacht and the next day she's escorting him to the finest (not really) pre-Oscar parties! I don't think Lara is wearing lipstick and that make-up looks like it's been sitting on her face for 10 days straight, but I can't blame her. You too wouldn't repaint your face if you were busy dry bumping your crotch into Adrien Brody's popped out butt. Adrien doesn't always wear a fancy scarf around his neck for fashion purposes. Adrien wears it, because when he turns it around, Lara can grab onto it and use it as a rein when she rides him from the back. Giddyup!

The other day, my friend and I were talking to each other on IM and he asked me to name all the dudes I'd sell my family on the black market for. After I told him my list included Adrien Brody, Gonzo from Shahs of Sunset and Colin Kaepernick, he pretty much let me know that I'm a kinky nose fucker who probably farts out boogers. He does have a point. It would explain why I've been known to Google the question, "Is it safe to use a plastic gag nose as a dildo?"

Here's more of Adrien Brody looking like Doug with a wig on at the Tom Ford party last night.

Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can't take the spotlight away from Soookeh's movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that's what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.

Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford's pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna's Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don't bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.

Here's a few pictures of some other hos at last night's party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens.... keep Anna away from him!), Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.

A few months ago, Joaquin Phoenix spit at Oscar and told Interview that taking part in the Oscar game is like chasing a carrot that's been marinated in shit (read: a carrot that tastes like his taint). Joaquin Phoenix later took back his comments when he realized that he was an Oscar contender this year and really just wants to wrap his hands around that majestic gold-plated dildo statute like everybody else. Joaquin is done with trashing the Oscars for now, but Ethan Hawke is picking up where he left off. Ethan Hawke told Gotham Magazine (via P6) that the Oscars ain't shit and he thinks the Oscars are destroying the movie industry the same way peroxide destroyed his hotness. Ethan pretty much co-signed everything Joaquin said including the part about carrots.

“People want to turn everything in this country into a competition . . . [so] it’s clear who the winner is and who the loser is. It’s why they like to announce the grosses of movies, because it’s a way of saying, ‘This one is No. 1.’ It’s so asinine . . . if you look at how many forgettable, stupid movies have won Oscars and how many mediocre performers have Oscars above their fireplace. Making a priority of chasing these fake carrots and money and dubious accolades, I think it’s really destructive.”

You can say that Ethan Hawke is snarling at Oscar, because he hasn't been nominated for once since 2004. You can also says that Ethan Hawke is just grumpy in general, because he looks like a depression era Guy Fieri. But you can't say that he's not telling the truth for the most part. If the Oscars weren't a popularity contest run by studio executives and truly honored the greatest works in cinema, Showgirls would have won at least 11 Oscars and every dog who played Benji would have an Oscar. And none of us would have the memory of GOOPY Paltrow's ugly pink princess dress embedded into our brains, because she would've never even been nominated!

But whatever, if Ethan ever wins an Oscar, I'm sure he'll be up there saying, "This is such an honor! I love you, Oscar! Now, let's eat some carrots!"

And seriously, why does Hollywood hate carrots so much?!

Oscar Pistorius is free to shoot up more intruders today after Magistrate Desmond Nair (Side note: Rachel Dratch is right. Every name involved in this case came from the mind of Suzanne Collins.) released him on bail, because the judge doesn't think he's a flight risk. I see what you did there, Magistrate Nair.

After four days of hearing from Oscar's defense and the prosecution, the judge spent two hours today breaking down all of the evidence. Oscar's side of the story is that he thought his girlfriend Reeva Steenkamp was a thief hiding out in the water closet so he shot through the door and "accidentally" killed her. My brain burped up a whole lot of question marks when I read Oscar's side of the story. How could he not know that Reeva wasn't in the bed? Why didn't she answer when he shouted at the bathroom door? If Oscar is so paranoid about getting robbed, why did he sleep with the sliding door open and was his security system on at time (I'm guessing not since the sliding door was open)?

Oscar didn't answer the sliding door question, but he did say that it was really dark in the bedroom and he doesn't know why Reeva didn't shout back at him.

The prosecution told the judge that they believe he planned to kill Reeva when she locked herself in the bathroom. Oscar's defense said that they will fight the premeditated murder charge.

The New York Times says that Magistrate Desmond Nair spent nearly 2 hours farting at the mouth about the history of bail and then he said that he doesn't think Oscar is going to get on the next plane to Switzerland, because life as a fugitive with no legs IS HARD! Here's a piece of what he said:

But Magistrate Nair seemed skeptical on Friday about the risk of flight by Mr. Pistorius. “What kind of life would he lead, a person who has to use prostheses, if he has to flee” and found himself “ducking and diving every day” on artificial limbs, the magistrate asked. “His international career would be over in any event.”

“A life not in prison,” Mr. Nel replied, comparing Mr. Pistorius to the WikiLeaks founder, Julian Assange, who has taken refuge in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London, despite his “famous face.”

After going on and on about nothing, Magistrate Nair set bail at 1 million rand ($112,000) and confiscated Oscar's passport. The next hearing is on June 4th.

Also, a detective in the case stepped down (or was thrown off the case) after the media found out that he's facing charges for attempted murder.

Does Oscar own a white Bronco, because we all know how this is going to play out. Oscar will be found not-guilty ("If the legs don't fit, you must acquit!"), then he's going to write a book called "If I Did It" and then his defense lawyer's daughters will star in a reality show. We've all seen this movie before!

Supermarket Sweep just wasn't as much fun with Howie Mandel hosting. - perky

Runners-up:

The homeless of Chernobyl take every precaution. - ImpertinentVixen

Man, the tough economy is even affecting Storm Shadow. - TFBuckFutter

No need for panic, New Yorkers! The Health Authority says the street hot dog venders just have to wear that only when they see Ke$ha coming. - TexnDoc

via WOW Report

The croc-fighting ginger and white pussy who will show any trick that she rules the streets Or in this case, that she rules the crocodile exhibit at a zoo in Jaipur, India.

Manu Chaudhary and her husband were watching the crocs at a zoo in Jaipur when she noticed that a regular old pussy had gotten into the enclosure and was hanging out by the water. The cat was just sitting there, staring at her badass reflection in the water and thinking about boxing a small fish or whatever. As she sat there, the Jaws theme song played in her ears, and out of the water came a crocodile with a nose like Tommy Lee's dick. If you were that cat, your slut ass probably would've sat on that croc's nose (yes, I typed that while looking into a mirror), but she didn't.

Manu Chaudhary told The Daily Mail that when the crocodile came at the cat, they all thought they were about to watch a bitch get checked. They did watch a bitch get checked, but in a surprise twist (!!!!), it was the pussy who checked the croc. That cat slapped a ho down. This is exactly what it looks like when the little Jenner girls come home without any money for Pimp Mama Kris.

I know it's not like that croc would've done anything since he's a Gharial and only eats tiny, little fish, but that pussy still showed him who the real bitch queen is.

(For Angela and Ken)

Kyle MacLachlan (54)
Miko Hughes (27)
Drew Barrymore (38)
James Blunt (39)
Lea Salonga (42)
Thomas Jane (44)
Clinton Kelly (44)
Hans Klok (44)
Jeri Ryan (45)
Rachel Dratch (47)
Ellen Greene (62)
Julie Walters (63)
Julius Erving (63)
Jonathan Demme (69)
Marni Nixon (83)
James Hong (84)
Don Pardo (95)

On Michael Bay's driveway sits his freshly washed Ferrari and on Michael Bay's laptop lives a video file of Megan Fox washing his Ferrari AGAIN! Because Michael Bay announced on his website today that Megan Fox will star in a movie that he's producing. In case the memory box in your brain deleted this highly important information (which is 100% possible), Megan was fired from the Transformers movies, called Michael Bay a regular Hitler and said that working with him was about as wonderful as butt fucking herself with a porcupine that likes to bite. Michael Bay pretty much returned that sentiment and the crew of Transformers had a few (or a thousand) words for her. But I guess they sucked and made up, because Michael Bay cast her in the new Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie and he announced the news like this:

TMNT: We Are Bringing Megan Fox Back Into The Family

The Family? So I guess that means Michael Bay is the father and you know he makes everybody call him daddy in a high-pitched voice.

Well, I guess the need to put Botox on the table will make you forget that you hate a douche. Get that check, Megan, I guess. Michael Bay didn't say who Megan Fox is playing, but it's kind of obvious that she's going to be April O'Neill, which confirms that this movie is going to be a grade A mess and should only be watched while under the influence of some mind-altering shit.

The only thing that will save this mess of a movie is if they get Vanilla Ice to recreate this masterpiece:

UPDATE: She's playing April O'Neill and that makes no sense. But hopefully they continue to make no sense and cast Courtney Stodden as Donatello.

Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa's baby was living inside her womb for 9 months, but it felt more like 19 months (aka 9 months in Jessica Simpson gestation time), because for the longest time I'd open up my browser and see pictures of her looking like a circus ball. I can't believe she got through her pregnancy without having to fight an elephant in a tiny hat  because he kept trying to pick her ass up with its trunk. But a baby finally came out of Amber Rose's body today and Wiz Khalifa (born name: Cameron Jibril Thomaz), who looks like the tree in Sleepy Hollow or like an air dancer that was hit by a low-flying plane, tweeted the news before a nurse washed the uterus jelly off his kid:

Happy Birthday Sebastian "The Bash" Taylor Thomaz!!! Everyone welcome this perfect young man into the world

The Bash? They either want their kid to be a rapper, a third string wrestler on the indy circuit or a cast member on the reboot of Jersey Shore 2031. But I will give them a few slow claps for paying tribute to Jonathan Taylor Thomas.

And now Amber Rose can go back to starring in commercials for whipped cream flavored vodka. Does this mean that Smirnoff's new flavors will be titty leche and placenta?

via UsWeekly 

Kunty Karl isn't the only designer who will look a basic bitch up and down and dismiss her with one hand while delicately fanning his beauty with the other. Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik, seen above dressed like a dainty ring bearer at an Easter time wedding, can't be bothered with the likes of such simple mice girls like Annanda Hathafried or Amme Seythaway, or whatever their names are, because he's way too busy worshiping at the feet of real screen goddesses like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle. Random, I know. Manolo is obsessed with Twin Peaks and while talking to Interview Magazine (via P6), he said that they just don't make 'em like Lara Flynn Boyle anymore. (Shhh cállate, nobody tell Manolo what Lara Flynn Boyle did to her face.)

Manolo pulled a "Harpo, who dis woman?" on Anne Hathaway and Amanda Seyfried while declaring his undying love for the beauties of Twin Peaks. Shade on, shady queen, shade on:

Well, last time, I had this, what do you call it? What is it called, this, this thing here? [Blahnik's hands circle over the right side of his torso] Forget about it. I forget about the diseases that I have. I don't want to know. But anyway, so I have this thing here, and when I went to this award at the Savoy, I was 40 degrees [centigrade] in temperature, and I said to people, "Please forgive me that I'm out of it." And I was waiting to be photographed. And I almost fainted on that girl, the tiny woman from France, no, from Mexico . . . Salma Hayek. But she's a sweet girl, beautiful. I love that. This is what I really love: Where are those girls? I was looking the other day, Lara Flynn Boyle in Twin Peaks and that other girl Sherilyn Fenn—they're old-school girls like Elizabeth Taylor, and I think that's so fabulous. David Lynch is démodé now, if you look at his films. I looked at them the other weekend. I said, "I'm going to stay in bed, I can't take anymore." And so I watched the whole series of Twin Peaks. I was in heaven. And I realized how bad it is.

And then Manolo starts rambling about some other movie before he gets back to slobbering over Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle:

Then I saw these girls like Sherilyn Fenn and Lara Flynn Boyle that should be working now instead of these anonymous girls. They're all the same. I don't even know Amanda Seyfried or whatever—they're all the same! I try to remember—the only one I remember is Julia Roberts because she's particular. Anne Hathaway . . . Pretty? Yes. Wonderful actress? Yes. But, I mean, I don't even remember her. What is it about her?

.....I'm not saying she's not beautiful or a great actress. I just don't remember her.

Manolo must not go on the Internet and the one TV he owns must only play one channel (The Twin Peaks Channel), because how can you not remember Anne Hathaway? Every time you open your laptop and turn on your TV, her TEEFS are hitting in the eyes. She's everywhere!

And Manolo made a huge mistake by admitting that he thinks Anne Hathaway is forgettable. Anne Hathaway wants everyone to remember her forever! Anne is going to break into Manolo's fan room and replace all his fans with fans made from her head shots. Anne is going to replace his Twin Peaks box set with The Anne Hathaway Box Set (available in stores the day after the Oscars!). Anne is going to replace the velvet painting of Sherilyn Fenn over his bed with a velvet painting of Anne Hathaway.

Anne Hathaway will not be forgotten!!!!

And when she wins the Oscar on Sunday, she'll look into the camera and say, "Guess you'll remember me now, you dusty old queen!" *mic drop* But sadly for Anne, Manolo won't be watching. He's going to watch Boxing Helena instead.