Bitch Goes Down: The Michelle Heaton edition (at the 0:45 mark) - Holy Moly!

The people of Germany are still upset over The Hoff's current situation, so Salma Hayek has arrived to heal them with her miracle chichis - Hollywood Tuna

This is not what I have in mind when someone offers to give me a necky - The Frisky

Fresh out the Photoshop oven - Popsugar

It's all about the mane - Lainey Gossip

Since going topless without showing any nipples is a theme today, here's Olivia Munn in Maxim - Egotastic!

Jakey G's nipples will break the cycle - Just Jared

Paul Daniels does it better - Towleroad

Sophie Monk trying to do oral to a cherry (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Tiger Woods' snatch menagerie continues to grow - Celebitchy

Joey McIntyre's right stuff made a baby - SOW

Tom Brady and Gis Bundchen's baby still doesn't have a name - ICYDK

Bronx Mowgli takes a ride on his pet donkey - I'm Not Obsessed

The Tarzan doll likes to party by himself - Cityrag

Frolic, Zac, frolic! - Hollywood Rag

via FunPic

TLC's Police Women of Broward County is currently dark for the season, so I've desperately missed the smell of burnt polyester, wet cigarettes and perm juice that constantly wafts off of Detective Julie Bower's oh-so-crispy peroxide angel wings. Even through the TV screen. If only she could bottle that scent and sell at all Loaf 'N Jugs. She can call it "South Florida." That's a compliment.

Here's Detective Bower with her Police Women co-stars and Dancing with the Has-Beens' alumni Jason Taylor at some ping-pong charity event in Hollywood, FL yesterday. Detective Bower must have known that the public has been patiently waiting to get another glimpse of her beauty, because she brought it big with the white tip nails, Bonne Bell bronzer, and the rhinestone western belt circa 1997. The rhinestones almost blinded me from seeing the cell phone strapped to her waistband. I will forgive her for that.

Officer JB is definitely one of my fashions icons of '09.

Michael Lohan was arrested yesterday in Medford, NY after he violated a restraining order placed against him by his ex-girlfriend Erin Muller. Michael was booked, snapped and released a few hours later. Michael must have moved this island, because he claims he was never arrested. Lie father, lie daughter.

Michael farted off to Radar to explain, "I was not arrested. Erin and I had an argument. She has an ongoing order of protection against me. She called and said I violated it by making a phone call to her. I went down there today and saw the judge and I handled it and that was it."

And it just so happens that the judge is a huge fan of Satan. But since it's kind of difficult to get Satan's autograph, getting Michael Lohan's is the next best thing. So the judge used the mug shot camera to get a beauty portrait of Michael Lohan for him to autograph. That explains this mug shot. Obviously.

Fox411 is saying that Kellan Lutz, the other piece in Twatlight who isn't Taylor Lautner or RPattz, has just signed a deal to star in an underwear campaign for Calvin Klein. And not just any campaign. Sources say the hos at Calvin Klein want Kellan to remake Marky Mark's iconic campaign from the 90s that made genitals everywhere go weak. I still have the paper cut scars on my ass.

A source says that Calvin Klein hopes Kellan will become the #1 piece to fap to just like Marky Mark was in 1992. The source added, “The executives have a plan to model the ads very similarly after the famous Mark Wahlberg campaign in the 90’s. They want to recreate the look of the hugely successful ads, and who is better than Kellan Lutz to fill out those little underwear?”

Marky Mark's panty ad for Calvin Klein was an important part of my life as a blooming gay. That shit was serious. I was a tween (Yes, I'm older than Kim Zolciak's first wig aka OLD) when this shit came out, but I remember it like yesterday. As soon as I saw Marky's ad in Rolling Stone, my b-hole opened up for business and started taking applications. Marky is partly to blame.

So, Kellan really has big panties to fill.

Since nothing sells albums like titty domes and crotch hugs (just ask Glamberace), RiRi gives us plenty of both in January's GQ Magazine. My only gripe is that RiRi is always covering up her nipples with her arms and hands. It seems that in most of her pictures lately, she's demurely busting a "Nipples Cost More" pose. If she keeps doing that shit she's going to get a cramp in her arm. Or worse, her nipples are going to get tired of being covered up all the time and will run into the chest of a bitch who isn't ashamed of them!

Also, it's a little funny that one of the stories in this issue of GQ is about why it's "not cool to get stoned anymore." You're going to need a majorly obese joint to get through half of RiRi's interview with them.

And does anybody know if the sweater in the second thumbnail below comes in electric purple? Cream is not my color.

The Golden Globe nominations were announced this morning, and most of the names we expected to hear came up (Examples: Mo'Nique, Precious, George Clooney, Mad Men, True Blood, Jane Lynch...blah blah blah).

Meryl Streep got nominated OF COURSE. If Meryl sat in front of a web cam, and recited from Chris Brown's now-defunct Twitter account while wearing an "I Love Tiger Woods" half-shirt, she'd still get a nomination. This year, Meryl got two nominations in the same category. She was nominated in the Best Actress in a Comedy category for Julie & Julia and It's Complicated. Meryl is going to knife fight herself for the trophy. Meryl is up against Marion Cotillard (Nine), Sandra Bullock (The Proposal) and Julia Roberts (Duplicity). YES! Sandra Bullock got nominated for the damn Proposal! Anybody who saw that wreck knows that the hawk who stole the dog deserves a nomination before Sandra's ass. And Julia Roberts? Just shut that category down and give the golden testicle to Meryl already.

Up In the Air got the most movie nominations with 6 followed by Nine and Avatar. On the TV side, Glee got 4 followed by 30 Rock and some other hos. Once again, Lafayette and Randi Sue from True Blood WERE ROBBED! Instead, they decided to give a nomination the worst bitch on that show: Soooookeh. I'll be writing letters TO.DAY. Believe it.

After the jump is the most of the nominations for The Annual Christina Hendricks Awards, which will be held in January or something. Motorboat and JUMP!!!

While promoting that Nine movie, Nicole Kidman sat down with the BBC's Andrew Marr for an interview about the movie....AND ONLY THE MOVIE! Nicole refused to talk about all things Scientology including: barley, Thetans and if Xenu is a top or a bottom.

When Andrew Marr brought up the S word and referred to it as a "bullying cult," Nicole immediately froze his prune sack with her icy eyes and said, “I just don’t.... This is just so not... I’m here to publicize Nine. If I was here to do an exposé on myself then I’d be like, ‘Let’s go’, but I have no interest in discussing any of that."

Andrew must have not minded that his insides were starting to turn to ice cubes, because he nudged Nicole a bit more on the subject. But she stayed firm and said she would only talk about the movie.

Nicole isn't stupid. She knows that even if she said the word "Scientology," Suri and her men would destroy the world's supply of Botox, Collagen, Juvederm, Restylane, etc.... They would get Nicole where it really really hurts.

Click here to see the video of Nicole putting the freeze on Marr.

Yesterday, we all found out that Courtney Love lost legal custody of her 17-year-old daughter Frances Bean Cobain. Everyone (including my ass) figured it was due to Court freebasing Dimetapp again, but her lawyer (slash daytime dealer) says she is completely sober.

Hm. Interesting. Webster must have whipped up a brand new definition for "sober" since the last time I checked. Facebook rants don't lie!

Court's lawyer tells People that the decision to hand over guardianship to Kurt Cobain's mother was entirely up to Frances Bean. Frances' options were to stand on a corner while holding a sign that read, "ADOPT ME PLEASE," or to go live with her memaw in Olympia, Washington. Frances went with the latter.

Court's lawyer added, "Courtney's been clean for years and is perfectly fine. This is simply about Frances preferring to live with her grandmother at this time. Frances is 17 and a strong-willed child, and this is a decision she made on her own. No matter what, Courtney loves her daughter more than anything in the world."

I love how the lawyer says Frances Bean is "strong-willed." He's trying to make it sound like she's some kind of problem child. Please. Courtney Love couldn't take care of a Pet Rock. She'd throw it into the street and put the blame on it by saying it's a "strong-willed rock."

The decision was an easy one for Frances since she has a working brain.

Lisa knew Randy had a lot of attractive qualities. He had the guns. He had the biker 'stache. He could tame wild animals, but it was his velour shirt that finally won her over. - Firestarter5

Runners-up:

Memories from Sarah and Todd Palin's Prom Night. - ceofancypants

Whenever Callie-May mentioned 'Shotgun Wedding', Billy-Bob was inclined to give her the bird. - HairyPotheadfan

Josh, Anna and Mackynzie Duggar pose for their first family Christmas card photo. - annobanano

via Awkward Family Photos