You might be a Charlie Sheen if you're spending this Christmas holiday on the concrete floor of a cell at the county jail because you allegedly got physical (and not in an Olivia Newton-John way) with your wife. All together now: PIECE OF TRASH!

Radar reports that Charlie's wife Brooke Mueller has been living in a rented house in Colorado for the past 3 months, because their marriage sucks. Charlie has been staying in Los Angeles, but he decided to fly to Colorado this week to spend the holidays with his family. But instead of singing carols of joy, Brooke sang carols of pain to a 911 operator. Apparently, the two got into a fight and Charlie pushed his wife. The cops showed up and took Charlie off to the clink. And just like that, Denise Richard's Christmas wish finally came true!

Charlie might be having the worst Christmas ever, but Denise Richards is having the best Christmas ever! Merry Christmas, Charlie! This one goes out to you:

Marc Jacobs and his husband Lorenzo Martone are here to wish you a Happy Holigay from the fancy island of fanciness known as St. Barts. Could these two get any fancier? My ass uses a Rite-Aid plastic bag to carry my beach necessities and this ho is using a $5,000+ Birkin bag! I'd have to pass a credit check to even touch that bag! And here's Marc casually dragging it around the beach like it's the canvas tote bag you get for free when purchasing an Estee Lauder perfume gift set at Macy's.

I feel like I should lift my pinky when looking at these pictures. They are probably wearing matching canary diamond cock rings. I'm jealous.

Mary J. Blige wants to set the record straight about the rumor that she slappity slap slapped her husband at the launch party for her new CD on Tuesday night. The story goes that Maaaaaaree (said in a Jackee Harry voice) allegedly brought her hand down on Kendu Isaacs' face after she caught him eye fucking a cocktail waitress. Mary then warned him not to pull a Chris Brown by slapping her back. But according to Mary's rep, the story has gotten completed twisted. Mary's spokesbitch told the NYDN:

"Mary was not fighting with her husband. Her husband and her brother got into an altercation that turned into a fight. Mary went to break up the fight. She never mentioned Chris Brown. Mary and Kendu went home together. They're as happy as can be."

The New York Post got a hold of some video from the party. It doesn't show Mary actually slapping anybody, but she does bring her hand up. My guess is that she's simply warning her husband with a prelude to a slap. You do the same thing to your doctor when you know he's about to tell you to ease up on the boozing.

My abuelita is going to track the crazy down who tackled Pope Eggs Benedict last night before midnight mass, and choke that trick out with her favorite plastic rosary (which she bought at the border in Tijuana).

Apparently, the loontardian who took the Pope down and sent a French Cardinal to the hospital has done this mess before. Someone in my family (spoiler alert: me) joked that if she wanted to get the Pope's attention she should've dressed like an altar boy. When my abuelita is done choking the crazy out, she's going to beat the bitch who said that (don't tell her) with one of her Grinch slippers.

Better yet, that leaping lizard lady should've pretended to be a Prada salesperson to get a little love from the Pope. We all know how he loves a little fanciness on his feet.

Oh, and Merry Christmas to all who celebrate it. And Happy National Pumpkin Pie Day to those who don't celebrate Baby Jesus' birthday!

Kris Kringle from Santa Claus Is Comin' To Town!

This is an easy one. In case you couldn't tell by the sight of your mom passed out on the couch from drinking 6 Mimosas, it happens to be Christmas today. So what better Hot Slut is there than the one and only Kris Kringle? First of all, he's a ginge. Nothing makes me HO HO HO in the heart like a Christmas ginge. Second of all, he becomes Santy Claus. And Santy is my favorite person of the day, because his fat ass brought me a Fry Daddy this morning. So I'll be having deep fried butter for Christmas dinner tonight. Actually, I'll do it healthy-style by using I Can't Believe It's Not Butter instead.

Lastly, Kris Kringle sings "If You Sit on my Lap Today." Now, this song is inappropriate for children, but you can sing it to your fuck time partner tonight when you do your annual holiday striptease for them. It's a nice change from "Santa Baby."

Barbara Mandrell (61)
Perdita Weeks (24)
The Veronicas (25)
Armin van Buuren (33)
Dido (38)
Helena Christensen (41)
Alannah Myles (51)
Shane MacGowan (52)
Annie Lennox (55)
CCH Pounder (57)
Sissy Spacek (60)
Twink Kaplan (61)
Jimmy Buffet (63)

Stepford Katie stepped out of her cage yesterday to buy a last-minute gift for Tommy Girl at Hermes in Beverly Hills. I didn't know Hermes sold vibrating butt plugs and anal probes. Good to know.

As usual, Katie looked like someone spit in her barley (all signs point so Suri). Seriously, isn't that the saddest L-Word extra you ever did see? Bitch looks like a lezzie after finding out that her ex-scissor sister stole her autographed Indigo Girls CD. Even that creepy wax-like Santa Claus/serial killer couldn't scare any life into Stepford Katie. Although, not much would scare you if you regularly saw Tommy Girl walk around pantless with only a "Scientologists Do It Better" half-shirt on.

Doogie Howser's big Christmas balls - Lainey Gossip

Avril Lavigne's Figure Skater Boi (site NSFW) - Drunken Stepfather

Ho Ho Ho - Egotastic!

Jessica Simpson looking like your spinster office manager trying to look fancy for the company Christmas party - Hollywood Tuna

Santy's got a boyfriend - Towleroad

Sascrotch and Sascrotch Jr. stroll through Aspen - Popsugar

LiLo loves a bargain - Just Jared

Wino will not be outdone by Pete Doherty - Celebitchy

Fred Savage reminds me that I'm old - Hollywood Rag

Ashley Greene how you've always seen her - Popoholic

Looking at these pictures will give you an incurable case of Rocko Clapp - I'm Not Obsessed

The devil made RuPaul do it! - Popbytes

Kristen Stewart looks best with a bong in her hand - Cityrag

JHud's womb is fetus free - Parade Magazine

Tiny's toe tickler is out of the slammer - Reel Loop

Brittany Murphy will be buried today - Socialite Life

(Thanks to all who sent in this beautiful Christmas present)

Bronx Mowgli has been challenged! The Los Angeles Times brings us the news that Johnny Knoxville's girlfriend Naomi Nelson gave birth to a baby boy on Sunday night. Their new baby weighed in at 8 lbs. and they have named him...ROCKO AKIRA CLAPP. None of that is a typo. This must be just another gory Jackass stunt. Rocko Akira Clapp is the same noise Steve-O made when he swallowed that goldfish and then threw it up.

Johnny's government name is Phillip John Clapp, so you can't really blame him for using the last name Knoxville. But why must he put his kid through that. Clapp is bad enough, but pairing it with Rocko makes it sound like something a nurse practitioner at the free clinic diagnoses you with after admitting that you let Gerard Butler wiggle the tip in. Poor child.

Johnny also has a 13-year-old daughter named Madison from his ex-wife. You know Madison has not stopped pointing and laughing at Rocko Clapp since Sunday.

via MSNBC