Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.

LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:

LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.

CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?

LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.

CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.

LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.

If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."

Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.

Yes, it's almost a week later and we're still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge's Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would've shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.'s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.'s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!

“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”

Translation: "I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It's such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I'm supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what."

In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.

White Oprah should be dragging Lindsay Lohan by the wig to a rehab/monastery/Hazmat Center, but instead she's out partying and talking to the media. Naturally. At a party for New Jersey Turnpike Fashion Week (no, she was at NYC Fashion Week, don't ask me why), UsWeekly asked White Oprah about her style. All of us see White Oprah's style as carefree elegance. White Oprah gets up in the afternoon, grabs a few weave pieces that LiLo shed on the floor throughout the night, sticks them on with a dab of her own vomit and then picks out the perfect dress for her to hike up over her waist when the bar's toilet is busy and she needs to squat a pee out in the alley. Carefree elegance! But White Oprah's hos, Lindsay and Ali, see her style as a complete horror show.

"My girls are always telling me to cut my hair. You know, you think you're fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it's hard when you're girls are like, 'Mom, you're looking scary.'"

Lindsay & Ali to White Oprah: YOU'RE SCARING US!

The world to all the Lohans: YOU'RE SCARING US MORE!

Speaking of scary, Michael Lohan gave TMZ a picture of him applying for a job at a Burger King in Florida. Great, just what we need. I'm happy that Michael is actually getting a real job, but I'm not happy for the tortured people who will soon buy a piece of dead meat that will give them the shits from a piece of shit with dead meat for a soul.

I interrupt our regularly scheduled celebrity fuckery to bring you this video of a girl giving you directions to her house in just 23,678 simple steps. This girl must be related to my cousins in some way, because this is exactly how they give me directions to the nearest Kmart. "Go that way down the street, make a right at the Taco Bell, go down, make a left at the second Starbucks, go up, go up, go up, make a left at the Michelle's Donuts that used to be a Winchell's Donuts, go down, keep going, keep going, keep going, then make a u-turn between the closed down Shakey's and the Del Taco, and turn right into Albertson's parking lot. Kmart's on your left. There."

They tell it with their arms too, like this girl. This is why GPS systems will never be relevant.

I just wish that this girl also told us where all the bars, Chinese massage parlors and churches are along the way, because I'm going to need a DRANK, a foot rub and a pep talk from God to get me through that journey.

via Arbroath

I can fault Lindsay Lohan for going out in public looking like a deep fried tonsil stone dragged through a wig cemetery, but I cannot fault this bitch's hustlin' game. If there's one thing Blohan's good at, besides reminding all of us what Meryl Streep looked like at the end of Death Becomes Her, it's trying to get shit for free. At the amfAR Gala in NYC on Wednesday night, LiLo, seen above after getting a whiff of her career's remains, slid next to a Canadian millionaire and used her cokey charm to try to get him to buy her a piece of joorees. Who needs shame and dignity when you've got a bag of 8-balls you bought after pawning a diamond watch some Canadian millionaire bought you at charity auction?

One of Page Six's sources claims that at the amfAR event, LiLo told everyone that she was there because she's playing Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie and the charity was close to La Liz's heart. But LiLo was really there to grift a bitch. The source says that right before the charity auction started, LiLo tried to sweeten up a Canadian financier type. Then when bidding started, LiLo's assistant came over and told the millionaire that LiLo wanted him to buy her a Hublot diamond watch. When LiLo's assistant says "Hublot," a Canadian millionaire says "No, YuBlo me." The millionaire laughed at LiLo's assistant and the watch sent to somebody else.

As expected, LiLo's rep says none of this happened.

Don't you sometimes wish that delusion powered your brain the same way it powers LiLo's? In LiLo's head, she's a gorgeous charming movie star who has such a charitable heart that she will accept an expensive gift from a Canadian millionaire. It's his pleasure to do so and the happiness he will feel from seeing his gift wrapped around her delicate wrist is priceless. That's what LiLo sees. But everybody else sees a sad crack ho begging for a cigarette outside of a White Castle at 6 in the morning. I know, I think I brought us all down with that Norma Desmond-ish image. But we should all be so lucky as to not give a fuck the same way LiLo doesn't give a fuck.

"Hurblurrblurrrherr."

"Lerrblurrblurrhurr!" - Gigaboob

Runners-up:

*buh beep*buh beep*buh beep*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

"...we just lost Sly & Arnold's careers." - Provolone

Busy day at PECS (Penile Enlargement Clinic for Steroid Abuse). Arnold is hoping for at least 2 additional inches. - burpfartsneeze

In this scene from the latest Human Centipede sequel, Arnold and Sly fight over who gets to have their lips sewn to Bruce Willis' asshole. - MrsRedFox

via Whosay (Thanks Melissa)

Jack in the Box's Bacon Shake! Your search to find the perfect cup of blended romance to end your Valentine's Day after proposing to your piece with a Pizza Hut ruby ring on a Pizza Hut breadstick (from Pizza Hut's $10,000 engagement package) has ended. Jack in the Crack's bacon milkshake isn't on their menu, so you'll have to say it loudly to the cashier, but it's worth it solely for the "you're a gross piece of shit" eyes of judgement you'll get from the other customers who are about to order a delicious patty of creamed rat meat shoved between two corn syrup buns.

The Bacon Shake is made with vanilla ice cream, bacon flavored syrup, whipped cream and its topped with a cherry. It's ONLY 773 calories and 75 grams of sugar per 160z serving! Yes, that number made LeAnn Rimes' metabolism kill itself and I think I have love handles on my eyeballs just from reading that shit, but it's worth it. SFist reviewed this mess and they say it basically tastes like sweetened pig vomit. That makes me want this in my mouth even more. (If you only knew how many times a day I say that sentence out loud.)

It's bad enough that NYC doesn't have an In-N-Out, but we don't have a Jack in the Crack either. NYC is a magical gutter land where I can get a dry handjob from a crackhead while walking to the corner deli to buy seafood lo mein at 4am, but I can't get a delicious Bacon Shake from Jack in the Crack here. Oh, well. Until I get to California, I guess I'll just have to settle for a cup of sweetened pig vomit. They definitely have that at my corner deli. It's not on the menu, but if I ask for it at the counter, they'll get me a bottle of some from the back.

(For Jackie & Stacy)

Laura Dern (45)
Chloë Moretz (15)
Makenzie Vega (18)
Emma Roberts (21)
Holly Willoughby (32)
Elizabeth Banks (38)
Glenn Beck (48)
Alexander Payne (51)
George Stephanopoulos (51)
Jim Cramer (57)
Mark Spitz (62)
Michael Apted (71)
Roberta Flack (75)
Robert Wagner (82)
Leontyne Price (85)

When we last heard of the Brazilian blossom Sheyla Hershey, she was lying on her death bed after she tried to kill herself because she was forced to downsize her 38M titties and she didn't want to live in a world where she didn't have two globes of pure silicone suffocating her lungs (aka asTITSiation). It was a true titty tragedy (aka a tragititty). Well, those same plastic chest planets that almost put her in the grave, kept her out of the grave this past weekend. This is the information the Surgeon General needs to order that a "FAKE TITS SAVES LIVES!" label must go on every bag of chichi gel.

Sheyla tells The Mirror that after she got boozed up at a Super Bowl in Houston, TX, she sort of kind of smashed into a tree while driving home. Sheyla wasn't wearing a seat belt, so the sheer force of hitting a tree should've sent her flying through the windshield to her death. But thankfully, Sheyla has a pair of 38KKK built-in airbags that saved her life. Sheyla denies that she was drunk, but she was still arrested and will have to answer to the DUI charge in court next month.

It makes my nipple slits smile knowing that Sheyla has fully recovered from her suicide attempt and has realized that the world needs beauties like her to keep spinning and she will continue to stretch out baby blue cotton jumpsuits (Really, the fuck is she wearing?) with her enormous tits. But then it makes my nipples slits frown knowing that the Houston Police Department put this beauty behind bars for even a quick minute. That is an injustice! Sheyla is a precious gift and if she left this world, the silicone industry would go bankrupt and fake tits would become extinct. It would be a sad world. And Sheyla's hippo ass tits stopped this from happening. So she should be awarded a Nobel Peace Prize, not arrested! We need a petition for this shit.

And I also need to see Sheyla reenact this crash on The Insider. But only because I need to know how she's able to drive with those quadruple stuffed chest balls in the way. Did she remove her driver seat and just drives from the backseat using two cat grabbers? Does she drive with her tits and uses her hands to reapply her exquisite eyebrows? I bet it's the latter. There's really NOTHING Sheyla's life-saving tits can't do.

Obviously, Dexter's ginger beard of fiery dreams has brought him and his ex-wife back together again. No woman can resist a ginge who looks like a hipster leprechaun lumberjack. - Lainey Gossip

The Steve-O of Norway is just winking at Darwin now - Towleroad

Amber Rose looks like she's smuggling three litters of pugs in her leggings - Hollywood Tuna

FYI: Miranda Kerr's baby weighs more than she does - The Superficial

Jodie Marsh was robbed of a role she was born to play! - Celebitchy

Four words I was not expecting to read today: Nia Long Camel Toe - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

If only they made lights that could perk up Simon Cowell's depressed titties too - The Berry

I see that Vanessa Hudgens gets her fashion inspiration from Courtney Stodden's elegant armlet - Popoholic

Sarah Jessica Parker takes a night off from scaring the children by covering her cronie hands - Popsugar

I'm more disappointed that Russell Brand didn't sign his name with a smiley peen - ICYDK

R.I.P. House - Just Jared

The Liposuction of Venus - OMG Blog

In possibly related news, Jersey City has announced it will start putting Valtrex and antibiotics in the water - I'm Not Obsessed

KD Lang is looking AWFUL - SOW

True love served 12 different ways - Cityrag

Rose McGowan's face is slowly slipping off of her head - Moe Jackson

Prince, come and get your squirrel - The Daily What