Oh, look at this baby in pink thinking she's way too cool for Prince Hot Ginge. Or maybe she's not making eye contact because she knows that if she does she'll instantly fall in love and will forever be pained in the heart since she's way too young for him and they can never be. You're stronger than me, baby in pink. You're stronger than me. - Lainey Gossip

Lucci + Estefan + Seamen = WTF - Towleroad

Either Kellan Lutz just stared into the eyes of Medusa or he's actually made of stone - The Berry

ASkars in ASkarf - The Superficial

The moment when Robin Wright remembers what it's like to suck on Sean Penn's peen - (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

A new uterus abuser and hair icon emerges - Celebitchy

The first GIF was pretty much me after I smoked my first joint. Looking for the cops to bust me and shit - Cityrag

This reminds me, if I ever get a herp sore I should try to dress it up with some gold glitter - Hollywood Tuna

MiserAlba at Fatburger - Popoholic

Why does this picture of Pepaw Pitt look like it was sketched in pencil by one of those Times Square street artists? - Just Jared

Miranda Kerr better be in the middle of robbing a bank, because that's the only acceptable reason for wearing pantyhose over your face - Popsugar

Move the hell over, SamRo - The Daily What

That asshole kid from Punk'd is all grown (and furred) up - (NSFW) OMG Blog

Whatever, JLo - I'm Not Obsessed

Katharine McPhee in GQ - Hollywood Rag

Somebody put a school of algae eaters on Nicki Minaj's wig, please - Crunk + Disorderly

via PIU

I'd say you had a good night if you came stumbling out of a club with scratches on your arm, blood running down your leg, a gut full of coke bloat, sweaty strands of hair in your face and your scattered emotions switching from "I LOVE ALL Y'ALL!" to "FUCK ALL Y'ALL!" in the blink of a side-eye. But when I see Whitney Houston stumbling out Kelly Price's Grammy party looking like this, I don't need to see any receipts before I shake my head while cursing Ray-J's crooked dick for this. It seems as soon as Whit hopped on Ray-J's crooked dick for a second time, she got struck with the crackhead fever again. My feelings about all of this are best expressed through the sea of endless side-eyes around Whitney.

I don't know how I feel about it, but 2012 is turning out to be the year of leaky singers. No, I should think positive. Maybe that's not blood on Whitney's leg. Maybe that doody bubble finally popped. That's a trail of relief running down her leg.

This clip of Tom Hardy and McG on the set of This Means War is from the olden days of 2011, but I've never seen it before and I'm passing it along just in case you too haven't been blessed in the eyes with the image of a paintball punching Tom Hardy right in the nalgas. You know, Tom Hardy denies all the bi rumors, and this video proves that either he's telling the truth or he's a total 100% top. No, dude who is a bottom or vers would put the goods in danger like this. If you're going to take a quick pounding to the ass, it's best if you waddle away with your asshole still intact. Mostly intact, I mean. Picking pieces of your painted ass lips up off the floor is not a fun way to end a good time.

Having the ability to spit paint out of your b-hole is not a selling point on your Grindr profile, believe it or not. Wait, can paint be used a lube substitute?

(Thanks, Jeff)

Human vodka bag Chelsea Handler has spit out a lot of shit about the Falcor/Lamb Chop hybrid that is LeAnn Rimes, but the latter decided to be the bigger person by going on the former's show. And by "bigger person" I mean that LeAnn is a fame whore in the truest sense of the phrase and will gladly look past someone's obvious hate for her if there's a TV camera involved.

LeAnn said that all the shit Chelsea talked about her actually helped her through her divorce, because she was able to laugh at Chelsea laughing at her. Uh huh. There's dick pull #1 from LeAnn. Dick pull #2 came when LeAnn said her skinny ass body happened naturally. LeAnn was a fat kid and as she grew up the fat magically melted off revealing the grown up skeleton of a War Hose underneath. Uh huh. Finally, dick pull #3 came when LeAnn admitted to calling the paps once in a while, but says that they mostly just show up by themselves and it's a thorn in her bony side:

LR: They just follow us everywhere. It's quite annoying. Yes. I get annoyed with myself, to be honest.

CH: That's good to hear. That's refreshing. People want to know that. Now do you know when you're getting your photograph taken. Some people would say that you set the photographs up. Some girls do that. Have you ever done that?

LR: I have actually set a photograph up to get people to leave me alone. Once the photographs are taken then they're done. It's not something that you go do often..... The really really freaky things... Like we'll set photographs up for our wedding so we know everything's taken care of and it's going to be done the way we want to do it.

CH: Like pictures don't get out that you don't want to get out. Private photos. This is a good lesson in paparazzi.

LR: True. But yeah, certain ones where I'm like picking a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. I definitely didn't set that up.

If only this bitch could pull her eyelids out of the squint position to clearly see all of us rolling our eyes at this. Like any of us are buying this shit. I mean, somewhere there's a crumpled up piece of paper in a paparazzo's pocket that has GPS coordinates written on it over a note that reads: "At exactly 14:00, I will pick a wedgie out of my butt in a bathing suit. Get that in hi-res. It will be perfect for The National Enquirer's annual Beach Bloopers cover."

Click here to see LeAnn on Chelsea if you care. And here's Mr. & Mrs. Squint at a pre-Grammy party last night.

Yes, it's almost a week later and we're still talking about M.I.A. burning the innocence of a million children by flipping a bitch off during Madge's Super Bowl halftime show. M.I.A. already gave an eye roll of an apology by blaming it on nerves, blah, blah, blah, blah... On Ryan Seacrest's radio show (via USA Today) this morning, he asked Madge about it. The old Madge would've shot up her middle finger at all the hos who are saying that M.I.A.'s middle finger was a big deal. The new Madge adjusted the stick in her culo and said that M.I.A.'s fuck you to America was highly inappropriate. Okay, MOM!

“I was really surprised. I didn’t know anything about it. I wasn’t happy about it. I understand it’s punk rock and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of love and good energy, and positivity it seemed negative. It’s such a teenager…irrelevant thing to do…there was such a feeling of love and unity there what was the point? It was just out of place.”

Translation: "I was really surprised that one of my minions would go against my wishes. I understand M.I.A. is low-class trash and everything, but to me there was such a feeling of loving ME and good energy revolving around ME and the people positively worshiping ME! It's such a STUNT QUEEN thing to do and I'm supposed to be the ultimate STUNT QUEEN. There was such a feeling of loving ME and the people were uniting to bow at MY feet and then that Britatrash slag had to take the spotlight away from the spiritual art I was creating? When Moses was parting the Red Sea, did one of those slave children make the moment all about them by throwing up a middle finger? They knew their place! And now I looooooathe M.I.A. more than I loathe you know what."

In other words, M.I.A., you and your first born are in danger, girl.

White Oprah should be dragging Lindsay Lohan by the wig to a rehab/monastery/Hazmat Center, but instead she's out partying and talking to the media. Naturally. At a party for New Jersey Turnpike Fashion Week (no, she was at NYC Fashion Week, don't ask me why), UsWeekly asked White Oprah about her style. All of us see White Oprah's style as carefree elegance. White Oprah gets up in the afternoon, grabs a few weave pieces that LiLo shed on the floor throughout the night, sticks them on with a dab of her own vomit and then picks out the perfect dress for her to hike up over her waist when the bar's toilet is busy and she needs to squat a pee out in the alley. Carefree elegance! But White Oprah's hos, Lindsay and Ali, see her style as a complete horror show.

"My girls are always telling me to cut my hair. You know, you think you're fashion forward, and then you have children who are way more, but you make your own look [work]. But it's hard when you're girls are like, 'Mom, you're looking scary.'"

Lindsay & Ali to White Oprah: YOU'RE SCARING US!

The world to all the Lohans: YOU'RE SCARING US MORE!

Speaking of scary, Michael Lohan gave TMZ a picture of him applying for a job at a Burger King in Florida. Great, just what we need. I'm happy that Michael is actually getting a real job, but I'm not happy for the tortured people who will soon buy a piece of dead meat that will give them the shits from a piece of shit with dead meat for a soul.

I interrupt our regularly scheduled celebrity fuckery to bring you this video of a girl giving you directions to her house in just 23,678 simple steps. This girl must be related to my cousins in some way, because this is exactly how they give me directions to the nearest Kmart. "Go that way down the street, make a right at the Taco Bell, go down, make a left at the second Starbucks, go up, go up, go up, make a left at the Michelle's Donuts that used to be a Winchell's Donuts, go down, keep going, keep going, keep going, then make a u-turn between the closed down Shakey's and the Del Taco, and turn right into Albertson's parking lot. Kmart's on your left. There."

They tell it with their arms too, like this girl. This is why GPS systems will never be relevant.

I just wish that this girl also told us where all the bars, Chinese massage parlors and churches are along the way, because I'm going to need a DRANK, a foot rub and a pep talk from God to get me through that journey.

via Arbroath

I can fault Lindsay Lohan for going out in public looking like a deep fried tonsil stone dragged through a wig cemetery, but I cannot fault this bitch's hustlin' game. If there's one thing Blohan's good at, besides reminding all of us what Meryl Streep looked like at the end of Death Becomes Her, it's trying to get shit for free. At the amfAR Gala in NYC on Wednesday night, LiLo, seen above after getting a whiff of her career's remains, slid next to a Canadian millionaire and used her cokey charm to try to get him to buy her a piece of joorees. Who needs shame and dignity when you've got a bag of 8-balls you bought after pawning a diamond watch some Canadian millionaire bought you at charity auction?

One of Page Six's sources claims that at the amfAR event, LiLo told everyone that she was there because she's playing Elizabeth Taylor in that Lifetime movie and the charity was close to La Liz's heart. But LiLo was really there to grift a bitch. The source says that right before the charity auction started, LiLo tried to sweeten up a Canadian financier type. Then when bidding started, LiLo's assistant came over and told the millionaire that LiLo wanted him to buy her a Hublot diamond watch. When LiLo's assistant says "Hublot," a Canadian millionaire says "No, YuBlo me." The millionaire laughed at LiLo's assistant and the watch sent to somebody else.

As expected, LiLo's rep says none of this happened.

Don't you sometimes wish that delusion powered your brain the same way it powers LiLo's? In LiLo's head, she's a gorgeous charming movie star who has such a charitable heart that she will accept an expensive gift from a Canadian millionaire. It's his pleasure to do so and the happiness he will feel from seeing his gift wrapped around her delicate wrist is priceless. That's what LiLo sees. But everybody else sees a sad crack ho begging for a cigarette outside of a White Castle at 6 in the morning. I know, I think I brought us all down with that Norma Desmond-ish image. But we should all be so lucky as to not give a fuck the same way LiLo doesn't give a fuck.

"Hurblurrblurrrherr."

"Lerrblurrblurrhurr!" - Gigaboob

Runners-up:

*buh beep*buh beep*buh beep*beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep*

"...we just lost Sly & Arnold's careers." - Provolone

Busy day at PECS (Penile Enlargement Clinic for Steroid Abuse). Arnold is hoping for at least 2 additional inches. - burpfartsneeze

In this scene from the latest Human Centipede sequel, Arnold and Sly fight over who gets to have their lips sewn to Bruce Willis' asshole. - MrsRedFox

via Whosay (Thanks Melissa)